No sex, it's always 'my fault' apparently.

[asdrearyastherain]

So I have a pretty crap relationship. My 'd'h has done a lot of things that have been 'red flags', but to be honest, I've forgiven them all. Something much more important happened 9 months ago, and since then it's been our interpersonal relationship that's been the issue.

Since 9 months ago, we've hardly had sex. I tried, in the beginning, to seduce him. I wrote desperate, and pleading, emails. Being careful to blame myself, but saying how I needed intimacy, comfort... anything really.

We've had sex three times since. Once was OK. The last two times, have been him coming on to me, when I'm already in bed, asleep, and then entering me from behind.

This hasn't made me feel more 'desirable'. In fact it's made me feel worse. I can't help but feel that the reason for this, is he does it, so he can't see my face. So he can 'pretend' I'm someone else.

I've lost weight, started exercising, bought more 'flattering' clothes. We often have special 'bath' nights (when he has one the same night as me). These were always 'euphemisms' for sex. But despite buffing, layering on oodles of body butter, shaving all my bits, and having lovely, soft skin (and nice perfume) he still rejects me on these nights.

I do wonder how much is me. He wants to watch TV, and often doesn't come to bed till gone 12am. By then I'm too tired to want to have fun, and am often asleep.

I spoke to him just now. I was sitting here all nice... he comes down, goes out on his laptop, comes in (I'm on mine), and turns on A&E 24, which he'd recorded. I notice it will be late before it finishes, so I make a big fuss about going to bed. Which I did, in tears. After an hour I wanted to cut myself, I can't believe I'm so bloody repulsive that he'd rather watch a bloke with a knife in his leg, than have fun with me.

He's now said it's my fault. That I don't seduce him (I do, I've given him erections whilst watching TV, and he's pushed my hand away, telling me to stop). I did lose my temper a bit... I tried to stay calm, but he just walks away from me, saying that I'm the one with the problem. That I tell 'lies'. He said I don't ask him to come to bed... aargh!

I dressed up the other day, wearing tight jeans, and he kept touching my bum, and flirting... still he didn't come to bed that night.

I really am at the end now. He says it's my fault... I'm sick of trying to seduce him, surely if he really did fancy me, he'd jump at the chance.

He did say I turned him down the other night. I'd taken a zopiclone before he came to bed, and by the time he'd come up, I was zombified.

I really feel like smashing up the conservatory. He spends so much time on it, when I want some attention. When I mention this he just says that at least he's doing physical work, not sitting on his arse like me.

I guess some would argue that this is his grief being expressed. But I just can't take it.

I feel so unloved, unlovable, and ugly.

Right, first and foremost, you are not unloveable or ugly. It is NOT your fault at all!!

He is being a complete bastard !

Find the strength to get rid and find someone who deserves you and everything you have to give, not treat you this way!

Hope your ok.

Can i ask what happened to set all this if?

*off

What were the red flags which you have forgiven?

Oh I am sorry rain. What an utter shit.

OP - sorry to hear you're in this position. It sounds like your DP is withholding sex from you. He sounds controlling and like he is being unpleasant about it and other things. You sound like you could do with some support, especially if you're (quite understandably) finding it difficult to cope with this rejection/control from your partner and it's affecting your self esteem. You imply that you and your partner have suffered a major loss/trauma. Maybe try to get some help to face up to some of that too, if possible - talk through with someone, possibly therapy? Useful for you...and you could encourage your partner to get some help with this too? I'm hoping others will post some other useful advice. Take care. You could do with a lot more support, affection and more kindness than you're getting from your DP at present. If therapy doesn't seem like an option, do you have friends in RL who you can talk things through with?

Please know this is not down to you, he is a complete arse for making you feel like this.

Thank you. I have actually contacted Women's Aid, and was given the number & email for a local worker. So far I've emailed her, but have yet to give her my number.

I guess him telling me that it's my 'moods' is the thing which makes me second guess.

There is other stuff (which I was advised to contact Women's Aid from advice on here under another user name), but I guess I've stayed... I don't know why. I guess I'm getting old now.

We've only been together three years, I didn't expect sex to stop so soon.

His ex wife had affairs and left him. Her name is 'Slapper' on his phone. She's been happily settled to the same man for years now. I wonder if she had enough of him rejecting her... because, in all honesty, I wouldn't be sure that I'd turn down another, if they made me feel desirable.

It's stupid things like perfume - I ask what he likes, and he won't answer, saying "don't get a perfume for my sake". I guess it does have to be what I like, but I'm used to men nuzzling me, saying I smell good, and he never does.

He also uses the excuse that he doesn't know if he can trust me taking the pill.

He's adamant we can't have another baby, and, after what happened, I'm not sure I could go through it again, but still. I just want to be wanted.

I'll really out myself, but; he went on holiday alone, when I was 7.5 months pregnant, and again when DD1 was 4 months old. There were two coffee cups on his hotel room table (he swears that they were so small he had to have two at a time), and I found photos of his genitals on the camera. He swears that they were to send to me, when I was in hospital having DD1.

He also had a female friend, an ex F* buddy, who used to come round when I was pregnant with DD2 (not for sex, allegedly they were still friends). We've not seen her since DD2.

I would say his ex wife had affairs because he withdrew sex and affection. Make no mistake he is doing this to control you.
Men like this see women as lesser beings and they like to think that women dont deserve to be loved and valued.
Men like this also expect women to put up with it and keep their mouth shut and their legs closed. They are abusive mysogynists. His wife didnt follow the "rules" these men like women to follow and thats why shes in the phone as Slapper.

The more your write the more your DP sounds like an unpleasant and controlling man. You sound lovely and like you could do with some love, care and affection. You're never going to get that from a man like this, TBH and it would be better for your state of mind, health and self esteem to be on your own than be in this type of relationship. It would also free you up to find someone who actually treats you properly (as you've described). You say you want to be wanted...he knows that and is using it against you to bully you and to keep you in your 'place'. You're right to go to Women's Aid and you're right to get some help. One reason I think that people stay in these relationship is because it can be quite addictive and you always feel like there is a bit more you could do to try to make it work. Often it's strong women who stay until they realise that they have done everything they can...but it's him not them.

I can't tell you what is going on with him and you are alluding to a lot of things we don't know which is understandable but confusing. Women's aid will help, as will thinking in terms of what you want not who is to blame (I.e. breaking the pattern of thought that he is trying to set up - that everything is your fault)

Really feel for you feeling rejected - it's very destructive and frustrating.

But is there another thread about this I don't know about, or are you drip-feeding a bit? I know not everyone wants to write a really long first post, but I get the impression that your relationship problems are a lot more deep-seated and complicated than being just about sex.

Forgive me if I've missed something somewhere else.

That sounds awful :( I'm sorry OP. I think Carer is spot on. I remember your thread, but not your previous name, so don't worry.

Are you aware that him coming up after you are asleep and having sex with you is rape, as you cannot consent when you are asleep.

It all just sounds like a huge mess. Do you get anything positive out of this relationship?

What Berries said :(

It really does sound awful for you.

Bertie not.berries

He is affectionate, in that he likes me to lay on his lap, and stroke my hair, when watching TV. I often don't want to, as it makes me feel like a cat! Which gives him a reason to then not want sex, as I 'withdrew' from him. Although, the reason I withdraw, is I want to be desired. Not just patted on the head.

I wonder if he even likes women. It's as if he wants a wife in 'name & status', someone in bed with him (just sleeping), and to stroke. Not to talk (he told me off for trying to talk to him during dinner - he said he hates talking during meals, and likes listening to the TV). I want to talk, be romantic, have a conversation with him.

We went to the cemetery earlier this year. On the way there he pointed out girls, saying who'd he'd like to shag, and wouldn't like to shag the older ones (ones my age - early 40s). He said he did this to "show what a bastard would be like" and that he wasn't like this

He's already told me that in ten years no man will look at me.

The other night, I woke up and found him watching something with young, scantily clad, girls in. I asked him the next morning, and he said that it was a crime programme. I feel unreasonably jealous, and get really insecure around younger women, with him. I've never been like this in a relationship before. No one has ever made me feel so insecure before.

His son (adult) came up recently, and he went to the pub with him & took him out for a meal. I did ask why he never took me out, and his repsonse? "I asked if you wanted to come too"... but I didn't. I want him to want to take me out, not just as a gooseberry with his son.

Thinking on it, he's accepted blow-jobs. And now he likes sex from behind (no kissing before)... it just makes me feel like I'm a blow-up doll, and it's not me he's fantasising about

No I don't feel raped. I just feel used.

Sorry for it being confusing, I'm trying to keep this personal stuff away from another thread. If I was to say you'd know why.

I just needed to confirm that it isn't all in my head. As I try to talk calmly with him, but he just walks away, which makes me angry. Then I try to get him to talk to me... but he won't while I'm in one of my "moods". I've always got a mood though, I just bite it down, till it comes out.

I used to look young for my age, now I've aged. I guess 9 months ago, and the lack of comfort from him has made me age.

I'm not sure I get anything out of it. I do fancy him... (how awful is that to admit).

When I was having DD2, I knew something bad was going to happen. I asked him before the surgery, not to let DD1 call anyone else mummy. When we talked about it after, he said he would let her call another woman mummy, as it's nice for children to grow up with a mum & dad.

I guess I'm in the wrong here, but I hate that he's admitted that.

I'm scared if I leave, then he will have DD1 calling someone else mummy.

She's all I've got

I think I've seen threads from you before and the advice was no different to what I'm hoping you'll get on this thread.

You need to leave this abusive man.

The sex you describe while you're asleep sounds like rape to me.

If you can't leave for your own sake then leave for your children's sake.

Start threads for support to leave him by all means, but don't keep name-changing, starting new threads and hoping for a different result. You need to take some action now.

This sounds awful. It is rape objectively (and there is definite sexual, psychological, emotional and verbal abuse) whether you feel it is subjectively or not. He may not be gay or fantasising about someone else he may just not want to see you face because he is raping you.

I really think you need to get out of this relationship.

You need to leave this man. Sex while you are asleep is rape and when it is happening when you are awake he is having sex ON you not with you. He is an abusive cunt. He is undermining your confidence so that you stay with him by making all those nasty comments. Fucking bastard.

She won't call someone else Mummy - even if she does, she will know you are her mummy. A name is nothing, it's all in the actions and love that you show a child, and she will know, whatever he tries. She will know - they're clever like that.

If it helps, DS hasn't seen his dad at all in almost a year now. He calls him Daddy, or more often recently, Other Daddy. DP has been part of his life for around a year and a half and over the last year has been a dad to him, looked after him, done the day to day stuff, played with him, loved him. DS calls him by his name and won't call him Daddy although he refers to him very strongly as "My Daddy". XP, absent, not around, is Daddy. DP, here, very much present, My Daddy. He knows who really cares for him.

I'm sorry but this will only get worse, as I'm sure you know really in your heart of hearts. You have to start planning the best way to leave or separate.

Do you really fancy a man who leaves you feeling used, who uses sex, or lack of it, as a punishment, who obviously feels entitled to sexual gratification whether or not his partner consents? Not very attractive behaviour?

Don't worry about your relationship with your DD if when you leave. Children aren't stupid... they know who does all the hard work. And I'm sure she will be much happier knowing her mummy is.

Jesus! OP, not sure I've read a more upsetting post on here before, something about thus has really upset me more than anything I've seen.

But I have to say... If others recognise you and have advised you to leave before, at what point will you take action?

Look at what he is doing to you. He wants all on his terms, sex is a physical act for him, NOTHING you do will make him want you emotionally... But you know this already, right? He has brought you to the point of considering self harm!

Why can't you leave? Seriously? He sounds very abusive and controlling and I see NOTHING here to make me think he will change. And porn sounds like it may be in use, from his sexual proclivities.

He foes nothing for you. HE KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL AND IT IS NOT IMPORTANT TO HIM.

please. Listen to your own instincts and needs and leave him.

Sod MN, BIG hug, sounds like you need one, my love...