So I have a pretty crap relationship. My 'd'h has done a lot of things that have been 'red flags', but to be honest, I've forgiven them all. Something much more important happened 9 months ago, and since then it's been our interpersonal relationship that's been the issue.
Since 9 months ago, we've hardly had sex. I tried, in the beginning, to seduce him. I wrote desperate, and pleading, emails. Being careful to blame myself, but saying how I needed intimacy, comfort... anything really.
We've had sex three times since. Once was OK. The last two times, have been him coming on to me, when I'm already in bed, asleep, and then entering me from behind.
This hasn't made me feel more 'desirable'. In fact it's made me feel worse. I can't help but feel that the reason for this, is he does it, so he can't see my face. So he can 'pretend' I'm someone else.
I've lost weight, started exercising, bought more 'flattering' clothes. We often have special 'bath' nights (when he has one the same night as me). These were always 'euphemisms' for sex. But despite buffing, layering on oodles of body butter, shaving all my bits, and having lovely, soft skin (and nice perfume) he still rejects me on these nights.
I do wonder how much is me. He wants to watch TV, and often doesn't come to bed till gone 12am. By then I'm too tired to want to have fun, and am often asleep.
I spoke to him just now. I was sitting here all nice... he comes down, goes out on his laptop, comes in (I'm on mine), and turns on A&E 24, which he'd recorded. I notice it will be late before it finishes, so I make a big fuss about going to bed. Which I did, in tears. After an hour I wanted to cut myself, I can't believe I'm so bloody repulsive that he'd rather watch a bloke with a knife in his leg, than have fun with me.
He's now said it's my fault. That I don't seduce him (I do, I've given him erections whilst watching TV, and he's pushed my hand away, telling me to stop). I did lose my temper a bit... I tried to stay calm, but he just walks away from me, saying that I'm the one with the problem. That I tell 'lies'. He said I don't ask him to come to bed... aargh!
I dressed up the other day, wearing tight jeans, and he kept touching my bum, and flirting... still he didn't come to bed that night.
I really am at the end now. He says it's my fault... I'm sick of trying to seduce him, surely if he really did fancy me, he'd jump at the chance.
He did say I turned him down the other night. I'd taken a zopiclone before he came to bed, and by the time he'd come up, I was zombified.
I really feel like smashing up the conservatory. He spends so much time on it, when I want some attention. When I mention this he just says that at least he's doing physical work, not sitting on his arse like me.
I guess some would argue that this is his grief being expressed. But I just can't take it.
I feel so unloved, unlovable, and ugly.