No sex, it's always 'my fault' apparently.

[asdrearyastherain]

So I have a pretty crap relationship. My 'd'h has done a lot of things that have been 'red flags', but to be honest, I've forgiven them all. Something much more important happened 9 months ago, and since then it's been our interpersonal relationship that's been the issue.

Since 9 months ago, we've hardly had sex. I tried, in the beginning, to seduce him. I wrote desperate, and pleading, emails. Being careful to blame myself, but saying how I needed intimacy, comfort... anything really.

We've had sex three times since. Once was OK. The last two times, have been him coming on to me, when I'm already in bed, asleep, and then entering me from behind.

This hasn't made me feel more 'desirable'. In fact it's made me feel worse. I can't help but feel that the reason for this, is he does it, so he can't see my face. So he can 'pretend' I'm someone else.

I've lost weight, started exercising, bought more 'flattering' clothes. We often have special 'bath' nights (when he has one the same night as me). These were always 'euphemisms' for sex. But despite buffing, layering on oodles of body butter, shaving all my bits, and having lovely, soft skin (and nice perfume) he still rejects me on these nights.

I do wonder how much is me. He wants to watch TV, and often doesn't come to bed till gone 12am. By then I'm too tired to want to have fun, and am often asleep.

I spoke to him just now. I was sitting here all nice... he comes down, goes out on his laptop, comes in (I'm on mine), and turns on A&E 24, which he'd recorded. I notice it will be late before it finishes, so I make a big fuss about going to bed. Which I did, in tears. After an hour I wanted to cut myself, I can't believe I'm so bloody repulsive that he'd rather watch a bloke with a knife in his leg, than have fun with me.

He's now said it's my fault. That I don't seduce him (I do, I've given him erections whilst watching TV, and he's pushed my hand away, telling me to stop). I did lose my temper a bit... I tried to stay calm, but he just walks away from me, saying that I'm the one with the problem. That I tell 'lies'. He said I don't ask him to come to bed... aargh!

I dressed up the other day, wearing tight jeans, and he kept touching my bum, and flirting... still he didn't come to bed that night.

I really am at the end now. He says it's my fault... I'm sick of trying to seduce him, surely if he really did fancy me, he'd jump at the chance.

He did say I turned him down the other night. I'd taken a zopiclone before he came to bed, and by the time he'd come up, I was zombified.

I really feel like smashing up the conservatory. He spends so much time on it, when I want some attention. When I mention this he just says that at least he's doing physical work, not sitting on his arse like me.

I guess some would argue that this is his grief being expressed. But I just can't take it.

I feel so unloved, unlovable, and ugly.

Jesus! OP, not sure I've read a more upsetting post on here before, something about thus has really upset me more than anything I've seen.

But I have to say... If others recognise you and have advised you to leave before, at what point will you take action?

Look at what he is doing to you. He wants all on his terms, sex is a physical act for him, NOTHING you do will make him want you emotionally... But you know this already, right? He has brought you to the point of considering self harm!

Why can't you leave? Seriously? He sounds very abusive and controlling and I see NOTHING here to make me think he will change. And porn sounds like it may be in use, from his sexual proclivities.

He foes nothing for you. HE KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL AND IT IS NOT IMPORTANT TO HIM.

please. Listen to your own instincts and needs and leave him.

Sod MN, BIG hug, sounds like you need one, my love...

Awww, sorry for multiple post...

It's not all in your head OP. He is doing the best he can to convince you that it is though. He sounds like a very manipulative, dangerous man who's ultimate aim is to break you.

He won't change because he doesn't think he has a problem. In his mind you are 100% responsible for his behaviour, his emotions. If you spoke to his ex I bet she would tell that that he was exactly the same with her. You have done nothing wrong, it's the way he is and he likes the way he is.

You sound lovely, you deserve to be respected, loved and cared for. Find the strength from support here, from RL friends, Womans Aid, from you precious dc's, reach out for help and please leave this awful man.

I have read your thread before and remember how distressed you were.
He is a horrible man. Why do you think he will change?
He has told you that he would have your dd call someone else mummy? Surely this tells you everything you need to know about him.
He is not going to change. Be strong and prepare to leave him.

From what I've seen, it's not unusual for men in this situation to threaten to take the kids, say they'll get full custody, or have particular influence over the kids. In reality this almost never happens. The kids will know that you're their mum and you'll be looking after them. I doubt they'd call another woman 'mummy' in any case and tbh don't think there's a lot of women who would actually want that anyway.

OH GOD! I remember dispairing at your other threads. You have to leave him. Get back in touch with Womensaid. Please...this man will make you ill

Thank you all :)

I was in a state last night, and needed to let it out.

I actually have had, a pretty awful night. I felt ill yesterday, and lay on the sofa, with a very itchy, sore throat, till 4.30am. As I take sleeping pills, I am now zonked out, and have a splitting headache.

I looked at a link to narcissim on here, in the early hours. I noticed far more traits of mine, than 'd'h. For example I am the one who gets jealous. I get jealous of his ex f* buddy, as he didn't fancy her, but she managed to seduce her - I feel jealous, wondering how he could 'get it up' for a woman he doesn't like, but not me.

I'm jealous of some of his ex girlfriends, who he didn't really like, but said they were OK for a shag... again he didn't like them, but he did have sex with them, yet me... I'm not attractive enough obviously.

See, I get jealous so I must be narcisstic. I don't show all these jealousies, not until I make a move, get rejected, and feel hurt. I try to understand why he rejects me, his wife, yet tells me about having sex with these other women. We even have a photo, from his 18-30 holiday (when he was young), and he told me one of the women he had a one night stand with. I feel a bit weird, as I find it strange, to have photos of past sexual conquests on the wall. Fair enough, it's just a photo of him happy, and I've never mentioned it, but inside I feel a bit put out.

It's also me that loses my temper. I've learnt not to rock the boat much (which is when we 'get on', and it seems happy enough - though I'm not happy - not deep down). I eventually get fed up though, it brews up. I try to stay calm, but the feelings of rejection become too much. I then ask him why we don't have a proper, mutually satisying sex life. He then says "why would I find you sexy when you're in a mood like you are now?" Of course... but that doesn't explain the months, when I've not been in a mood, it just gets like a pressure cooker, and I have to let it out. So I come across as unreasonable.

He's not talking to me this morning. He feels injured by my 'mood' last night. I lose it though as he won't talk. I want to talk to him about how I feel. He says what I think are "mad thoughts", and doesn't want to give them room to grow.

It has been noticeably worse, since DD2. I guess I wonder sometimes if it is grief. But again, he never supported me. He never really comforted me. He still asks what I'm crying for. Every other woman is supported & cherished by their partners/husbands, yet I've been allowed to sleep on the sofa, or in DD2's room, and he never, ever has come in, and tried to console me.

This man hates women. Like really hates them. And since you happen to be one, he hates you too. I hope you can see there is nothing at all ever that you can do to change that. Nothing.

Leave. Leave. Leave. He is sending you under.

Look up gaslighting too - it will explain your 'temper'

Hi, this is control and abuse. You are right, he doesn't really like women.

The coming in from behind? Its so he does't have to look at your face (which makes you a person).

Time to phone Slapper and exchange stories. Which I personally would do if I ever dated a divorced man. Now I have discovered how much they lie, I would NEVER just take a man's word for it. I would definitely want the other side of the story as to why something as important as marriage broke up.

Abit I think it was your thread I read.

I've thought about contacting his ex. His son told me that she never slags him off, yet he has always slagged her off to DSS.

He doesn't speak to his mum anymore. Apparently she is mad, and treated him appallingly (he says I remind him of her). So he doesn't speak to any of his family at all.

He said his ex is very aggressive, and (being very shy) I've been a bit scared to contact her.

You are getting NOTHING from this relationship.
He is eroding your spirit, sanity and self worth.
Please get out before there is nothing left of you. Your DDs DO NOT need this horrible, horrible man as a role model or to see your relationship as the template for how a relationship could be.
Please, please, please leave.

You can't diagnose narcissism on the internet and you certainly can't self-diagnose, but you probably do have behaviours and attitudes of your own that aren't helpful to you as an adult. It's ridiculous to assume that all victims of abusers are saints who haven't got their own issues that need sorting out.

I often think that people who keep namechanging and starting threads about the same problems, need to confront their 'victim' complexes that propel them to seek sympathy while never having any intention of following posters' advice. Usually the reason for that is because being a victim brings benefits that you're more attached to than the alternative of being an adult, taking wise decisions, standing on your own two feet and doing the right things by your children. Perhaps there's more comfort being a victim for you right now, but that's a pretty self-centric approach to take to parenting.

Whatever your own character faults, it doesn't detract from your husband's. This is a terrible relationship in which to raise children. You need to put your own fear, comfort and dependency to one side and act like a loving adult parent in order to protect them from this mess.

It's not about the sex: it is about the control! Imagine looking at someone and really not liking them, you know, because they have c*s. You know what they want. What, if you want to hurt and punish them, would you do? Yes, you withhold what it is they want.

That is the sort of person you are with. Tell him you want something small: like you want him to buy you a bar of chocolate: see what he will do.

I bet you: he will tell you you are too fat/some other put down, and 'that' is the reason he won't.
but bottom line, he won't give it to you. With abuse and blame thrown in.

That is what you live with. Its HIM, not you.

If you have to choose between hurt and lonliness, loneliness is so much better. Live with yourself a bit, develop friendships away from him (that does not include a man). You will find life so much better.

I would leave him .

Op you are worth so much more than him , and his shitty treatment of you .
Leave , get in contact with his ex ...she's probably really really nice .It will be nice for your dd to stay in contact with her brother .

When someone hates everyone and slags them off ( his ex , his mum , his entire family ,his ex- girlfriends/fuck buddy's ) then I'd go with the majority vote most times . All indicators point to your H being the problem.

You haven't mentioned his friends ....I'm suspecting he doesn't have many ( or any at all ) .

Putting it bluntly ....stop wasting your life on him , he's never going to change , so divorce his sorry arse and give yourself the chance to enjoy your life . Staying with him means your denying all the fabulous men out there who would worship the ground you walk on , a chance to sweep you off your feet .

Like my granny used to say ....sometimes you need an arsehole to show you what you DONT want .

I like your Granny's style, droves

He's a horrible man. Your mental and emotional health will be 100% better if you get rid.

I think sternface's post sums it up, a little abrupt but I agree with every word. The more you dilly dally about thinking I love him, I'm just as bad, the more damage you will do to yourself and your children. I know you won't but I would hope you would report the rapes to the police as well as going to women's aid as it will help you protect the children and yourself when you separate.

You will always have sympathy btw but at some stage you need to see the bigger picture and think about what your children will go through if you stay.

Good God OP, you are with a total, utter, nasty control freak piece of shit. STOP pandering to "it".

Sweetheart, grow a pair and get shot.

I know. I only have one DD to think about, but in a way that makes it harder, I'm fighting lost dreams, and have been on an emotional rollercoaster myself for months. It has made it harder what is normal grief, and what is adding to it, via the relationship, which was bad before, but obviously adding grief to it has just compounded it.

I guess (in a way) the problems have given me a focus, to distract myself from grief. But for DD1's sake, I know this isn't healthy.

Stern I've not always been a victim (promise). I successfully(ish) raised a child to adulthood as a single parent before.

I'm so angry for you I even spelt my name wrong.

I want to come to your house, stand in front of you and knock this "thing" to kingdom come

I remember your posts about your DD2 - I am so sorry for your loss.

Irrespective of the effect of grief on the relationship, though, he was a shit before that happened and he's still a shit now. I'm sorry.

My exh told me l was an old bag and wouldnt get another man and l would only get 'pulled' now and again if l was lucky by a man who wanted a blow job at my age (mid forties). As he put it 'some bloke might let you suck his cock if you're lucky'

Yes he too was a charmer.

Anyway must dash - eight years on and got to start preparing evening meal for my new lovely DH and l. He's bringing the wine home and no doubt a bunch of flowers and if he hasnt kissed me and told me how much he loves me within five minutes of arriving home l'll eat my hat.

Not only has he given me love and respect by the bucketful, he has married me.

Exh - if you're reading - err - you were saying?....

That's how they keep hold of you these types - by convincing you there's nothing else out there for you, until you yourself are convinced you are not worthy of anything or anybody better.

I for one am here to tell you different. Please leave the bastard !

Btw - not playing grief down at all, but l think it's a bit of a red herring with your DH, maybe brought these nasty traits more to the fore, that's all.

Think it has probably just made it more important to you that he is nice and loving and also given you a reason not to leave because you can blame the horrible behaviour on grief. It isn't grief.

My first husband behaved in a similar way (not identical, but similar enough).
It took me years to realise it was EA by which time he had worn me down so much I didn't believe I could leave/that anyone would love me again/that I could ever have a life.
I questioned everything and thought it must be my fault and I was ill/unreasonable.
To make matters worse I too wanted to harm myself, which in turn made me think I was mentally ill, so he must be right and it was all my fault.

Eventually I left.
It turns out it wasn't me!
It wasn't my fault
Years later I have a sound career, a good (2nd) husband and my 2 DCs are lovely and happy.

My only regret is that I stayed and took the abuse for so long.

Your H is evil.
You cannot change him or make him better or make it right, it's gone too far and for too long.

Speak to Women's Aid and wherever else you can find some support.
Leave him, your life will only get better.