Advice for intimate loving sex please...

[Spuddybean]

DP and i have quite a kinky sex life. Role play, BDSM, fantasies etc. But we never have really intimate, loving sex. We hardly kiss and he doesn't touch me much. I really want to bring this dimension to sex but as it's not really natural to us, I am unsure where to begin.

i want to have sex as ourselves for a change, with lots of romance, kissing, touching etc. So i would appreciate some advice with how to do this without making us feel silly or DP thinking i am being critical of his normal style.

I thought about maybe a shower together first and some massage oil, perhaps some nice music. But am worried it will feel stupid, like i am trying to recreate some r&b type nonsense!

I am 34 wks pregnant and want us to feel really close - if that makes sense. I said i had saucy plans for us for Sunday, and he has immediately gone down the role play route and started fantasising. I said no, i wanted something intimate with us as us and he seemed disappointed. So now i feel a bit unsure.

You are right that your body is different right now & it will feel different again after you've had the baby & maybe as a mother you'll never feel like kinky non emotional sex again. Have you thought about what would happen in that case?

Midwife, the kinky sex can be emotional - as you are connected thru vulnerability and trust. Often as alter egos things can be said which are difficult as you. This is why DP likes it, it relieves the pressure of being him with all his responsibilities. We have done it before and both felt so powerfully connected, i just can't describe the intimacy. However, i think it just needs balance with other types of intimacy too, which can be neglected if we aren't more careful.

As for if i never want to do it again, then we would have to break up really. This is a fundamental part of him, not just sexually. We wouldn't be happy with him doing this elsewhere with others, and he wouldn't be able to stop. I would feel guilty. He would feel resentful. This is why we have been honest with each other about it from the beginning. It's why he has been single for so long before me. It is something which many women struggle with, so he would rather be alone than with someone who isn't down with it. And i respect that.

You do sound like you have really thought thus through honey. I hope he can also understand how you feel at the moment & how you will feel in the first few months as a new mum

Spuddy, I agree that the non-vanilla sex can be more connecting because of the additional trust.

If you can use some of the kink in a less full on way, I think that would be really positive. We had to cut back to plain vanilla for a while and now I feel happier, we are adding a few sprinkles sometimes but I think that is the only way that worked for us both, to break the link and then look at what we could build instead. It sounds like your DH is not really able to do that and that you are OK with that, but cutting back would be a possibility to find something that works for you both.

Oh god sed doesn't have to be all smoochy for it to be sensual....Not at all!

Some of the kinkiest and naughtiest experiences I've had have been very sensual without any soppiness at all.

What you have to do is find a way to mesh the kink with sensuality...Massage is a good start let's build on that...

He likes textures are we talking fabrics etc? Can you explain a bit more?