Advice for intimate loving sex please...

[Spuddybean]

DP and i have quite a kinky sex life. Role play, BDSM, fantasies etc. But we never have really intimate, loving sex. We hardly kiss and he doesn't touch me much. I really want to bring this dimension to sex but as it's not really natural to us, I am unsure where to begin.

i want to have sex as ourselves for a change, with lots of romance, kissing, touching etc. So i would appreciate some advice with how to do this without making us feel silly or DP thinking i am being critical of his normal style.

I thought about maybe a shower together first and some massage oil, perhaps some nice music. But am worried it will feel stupid, like i am trying to recreate some r&b type nonsense!

I am 34 wks pregnant and want us to feel really close - if that makes sense. I said i had saucy plans for us for Sunday, and he has immediately gone down the role play route and started fantasising. I said no, i wanted something intimate with us as us and he seemed disappointed. So now i feel a bit unsure.

:(
I'm sad for you. I don't mean to sound patronising, but your sex life sounds depressing.

If there's advice out there saying he shouldn't have to change his fetish, surely there's advice on how to balance this in a partnership? No decent advice would say the partner has to be ruled by it.

What is the reason for him physically not liking PIV? Is it really separate or are they perhaps subtly linked? If it needs to be sorted medically, is he seeing a doctor?

Also, you mentioned Aspergers, is he officially diagnosed? - if it is affecting him and you this much then it really is worth pushing for an assessment (I am hoping for one myself soon - I know it's not going to change my life overnight but it may open up routes to more therapy etc)

The aspergers has been mentioned but not thoroughly investigated as he is very mild and functions fine it was never pursued.

Yes the advice is as you say, fuzzpig, but that's my point he thinks he IS balancing it out, he thinks our vanilla sex life IS fine and that what we do IS thoroughly giving me attention. Because he always ensures i orgasm.

What i want to do is educate him with techniques and ways of a deeper connection of yes making love. But want advice on how to do that. I am also quite 'unsensual' so this is new to me too. but only since i have been with him and felt the love i do for him have i wanted to 'make love' usually i just liked fucking.

This is why i need advice really.

Oh and the PIV is painful for him so he needs an operation - which he is reluctant to have as he doesn't want his penis hurt (understandable). But I am going to have to insist.

Does he have a phimosis?

If so, this can't be helping at all. His bits will likely hurt less afterwards than yours will after you've had the baby...

yes.

and yes i know that, but he thinks it's fine the way it is. as he can still orgasm and conceive.

It's like an overwhelming grogans knot.

I've been at a bit of a loss to tell you what to do on here, because it's all complicated, but getting that dealt with sounds like a really good place to start. I knew a guy when I was younger who had a phimosis and it wasn't sorted when he was a boy because the docs had told his parents that it would affect his sex life later on but the parents were really religious and thought it was best for him to wait when he got married...

He was a very unhappy young man, handsome, funny, but withdrawn into a world of dope-smoking and cynicism.

After the procedure he was a different person. It's very straightforwardly done and the recovery is quick.

If I were in your position I would try and insist on it. You don't sound the most demanding individual but I think you can't overestimate the effect this has on his sexuality - now and when he was developing. You say he's had these fetished since he was a boy and I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that or disregarding them, but if he has lived with this he may not have had the pleasant sensations in his penis that all little boys get before they reach puberty and develop sexual urges.

You can make the point that you are going through the pain of childbirth for him and he can do this for you. I know which I think will hurt more...

fetishes

Yes, i am hoping once this is sorted the new sensations will make him enjoy sex more, rather than relying so heavily on fantasies.

It's just convincing him to have it :(

I am not going thru the pain of childbirth for him by the way, i am for our baby. I don't think i would win with that argument tbh. But i understand what you mean.

Thanks for the time it has taken you to answer me. Altho i do feel worse now than better. I was hoping this thread would be more sex tips rather than about how weird my sex life is. but hey ho.

You're making so many excuses for him

When my DD was little, my DH worked massively long hours , he'd come out of a fairly easy 9-5 life in the RAF and into working 5 x 12 hour night shifts a week, he still managed to do domestic stuff and take care of DD on a Saturday while I was at work all day.
I fear you have a massive struggle ahead of you plus massive resentment after a few months of him doing fuck all while you do everything.

This won't get easier, his sexual issues are the least of your worries quite frankly.

It's not a case of having a "weird" sex life Spuddy, nobody has said there's anything wrong with a bit of kink - the man has massive issues, a list of sex tips won't help if he doesn't like kissing/touching, because good sex involves a hell of a lot of kissing and touching, he washes his hands after he's touched your vagina for heaven's sake!

To be fair Mal i understand your point but 5x12 shifts per week would be a dream. He works every single day, weekends too. He has 3 jobs. So when i'm at home all day i don't think i can expect him to do housework also. As i said if needs be we would get a cleaner.

We have agreed this and we are both fine with it. If that is how you would feel then fine, but you are projecting, because i do not resent him for the housework help. At all.

I appreciate your advice tho, so thank you.

I don't think your sex life is weird, there are plenty of people who enjoy role play, dressing up, toys etc.

It just sounds unfulfilling.
You are unhappy with the "vanilla" sex, and he probably is as well as he doesnt sound as though he really enjoys it.

It does sound as though the operation might help, especially as you both acknowledge the 4 hour sex sessions are unlikely to resume for a while after dc is born.
It doesn't seem as if either of you would be happy for the turn taking to be your only sex life for the next year or so. Can you try and convince him to have the op on that basis? Because if he is not loving the turn taking and neither are you, having the op might give you other options, not a choice between turn taking or a 4 hour session.

As for the housework, my DH has an amazing ability not to see mess.
I work full time.
Therefore we have a cleaner.

Im happy with that, as long as you are not resentful of him not doing housework, which it doesn't sound like you are then there's no need to worry about that side of it, sounds like you have it under control.

You might get a bit lonely though if he works 7 days a week. It's not just about housework, but if you are at home with a small baby you will depend on him for company if nothing else. I know that wasn't your question but does he have to work so many hours?

It's not the fetish that makes him a bad lover. You know that. Nobody can give you sex tips if your partner has already said that he isn't interested in trying anything new. Sex tips you can get from cosmo - this is the relationships board :) You're gonna get relationship advice whatever you thought you were asking for! And you must see it's a relationship issue, as well as a sex one.

Now I am someone who likes kinky sex and has no interest at all in 'romantic sex'. However, I think your H is a complete shitbag. It's not that he 'doesn't understand' or 'can't remember'. It's that he doesn't give a toss about your needs. As far as he's concerned, it's all about getting his needs met, yours don't matter. And by the sound of it, this attitude applies to the whole relationship, not just the sex aspect: he's not going to do any housework or childcare because he reckons that;s your problem and when you are tired or in pain or overwhelmed enough to ask him to do something, he will 'not understand' until you end up doing it yourself. And if you yell at him he will burst into tears and say he's useless until you promise never to ask him again.

What he needs is a good kick in the cock.

Sorry this has made you feel worse OP. I don't think you should feel that everyone is saying your sex life is weird. It's not 'the norm' but wtf is that anyway? Most people are pretty open-minded.

What is clear though, is that there are big gaps in your sex life and it's skewed in a direction that doesn't suit you that well. It's unsustainable too, from a practical point of view becuse you are having a baby, and from an emotional point of view because you are feeling more and more hurt and cut off. And your hormones are changing your sexual appetites, likely, and will continue to do so.

Sex tips may be what you wanted, but the reason you have been offered something other than that is because people reading this have identified, rightly IMO, that you have deeper issues in play. Your dp clearly has physical issues around sex that are easily addressed with surgery. Less easy is persuading him of the importance of this surgery obviously... And he has psychological issues which are extremely likely to be tied up with the physical ones.

The other issue that people can see and want to help with, is that you as an individual are not particularly demanding in having your needs met either. You said you thought it was 'demanding' to want your needs met and it's important you understand that isn't being demanding, it's a natural and healthy expectation to have.

Re the housework - it's a non-issue. If he's lazy in the house, it's not a problem if you can live with it. If you can afford a cleaner, just get one and be done with it. Just don't think you should underestimate what hard work it is having a little one and not good to expect too much of yourself. You haven't got to spend long on here to see that men not helping strung-out new mums in the house is really destructive to relationships and if you've got enough battles to fight re the sex life. I'd tell him now that you've been advised it's a good idea to get help in the house and you'd rather get a cleaner than expect him to do it, given how busy he is.

On a more practical note, I think you should make an appointment to talk to your GP about the physical issue, your partner's fears about it, and your feelings about it.

Yes erik i do see it as a relationship issue but i just don't think the housework is a part of it. The relationship part of the issue is communication. How can i explain how i feel without hurting his feelings?

However it is also a sex issue insofar as things have to feel nice physically for both of us and this is a learning curve. As i have said i have also never really felt like this before and up to now i have been very 'goal oriented'.

Our relationship in other ways is fine. We laugh, cuddle, kiss, joke, play, run around the garden trying to catch each other. We are emotionally in love with each other but it just doesn't seem to translate physically.

Yes, loneliness is also an issue. He is working lots because he is desperately earning for the baby. He is also setting up a consultancy atm so that eventually he will be able to work from home more and spend time with us. So it is very much a means to an end.

Just have to echo Mal and Erik. This is not going to work long-term as it is. If you are not totally aware of that now, the baby will bring it all into perspective soon enough.

All relationships need give and take and maybe in other areas you are well matched. But as far as sex goes, all you've described is him 'taking' and it sounds pretty unsatisfactory and meaningless all round. Can you honestly imagine spending the rest of your life like this? You will end up resentful and angry.

I don't know much about sexual counselling, so maybe that's an option if he is genuine about you and wants to make you happy? But from what you've said he's more likely to tell you to accept him as he is.

SGB, I like your straight-talking advice usually, but be a bit gentler can't you? OP is in last trimester of pregnancy for DC1, and is already upset at some of the stuff she's had on here. She really loves this guy and they are having their first baby.

She needs to be more assertive but not told he's a shitbag or that he doesn't give a toss.

Oh, and OP, I know you're not going through the pain of having a baby for your DP, I just thought this might be an angle to help you persuade him!

I have already seen the gp to discuss dp's penis and have made an appointment with a consultant for August. We have a work thing for him on Sat which i do not want to add stress to, but on Sunday i am telling him he has an app and i'm not taking no for an answer.

And SGB your posts always make me laugh as i think they are so way off the mark! But cheers anyway :) . He doesn't do housework and when i worked did not expect me to either - he only does now as it was my suggestin that instead of paying a cleaner, i give up work and do it myself. He does not see it as my problem. But if you see what i've said about the hours he's working and why then that might help explain. Not really sure where your presumption of whether he would do anything if i'm tired or in pain comes from tho. I often can't be arsed to cook or do anything so he gets a takeaway or we go out for dinner. I am not a drudge in any way.

I think i am in a better place to know what he gives a toss about and he does care about my needs. I just think he doesn't know how to go about satisfying them - also because they have changed recently. I do think I need to be more explicit. in my explanations tho. What would be obvious to me is clearly not for him. And yes he's also very tired with all the work he's doing. Because i also do enjoy the kink he focuses on that as at least it's something he is comfortable with and then when we do get an avo together (especially before the baby) he wants to do that.

Perhaps i've been too into it, and as you say not demanding enough. hhmmm

I think you may be right, if the other stuff is what you have been doing for years and you have never actually sat down and said, well look, my needs have changed. I would really like to try xyz along with the abc we do now, how is he going to know.

Maybe you need to spell it out?

I don't think your sex life is weird, I am worried though that it is unfulfilling for you! In terms of sex tips, communication seems to be the real key. You've mentioned textures upthread and I'm sure various materials could be used in stroking each other if that would help but I would guess you've tried that...

So, back to communication.... Before DH understood that I had changed in what worked for me he made various suggestions. He was thinking 'this made her feel good in the past, she doesn't feel good right now so I will suggest it' whereas for me the "feeling good" (loved, safe etc) had to come first and the experimental stuff was how it was expressed. So he was trying actions to invoke feelings whilst I needed to start with the feelings before any actions would work, IYSWIM?

I don't know if that rings any bells - do you think you are missing most the feeling of love/security/tenderness in bed which makes it hard to enjoy the kink like you used to? DH did despair a few times as he was trying to help but none of his ideas were working and he did need me to explain it better, which I found hard but we got there in the end.

You mentioned you were now pretending somewhat, that must be difficult?

can't sleep again - baby kicking :)

I think you are right FallingOver and Tantrums regarding the spelling it out and understanding what feels right for me. I think i have been pretending the last few times because i thought 'well it used to feel fun (and very close) so if i just get into it i can rekindle that feeling'. But instead i just felt more empty.

Actually, i think the stroking with materials is a good idea - we do that in the play but not during normal sex. I think that is also a problem. They have become compartmentalised and separate. Ie Oral happens in the play sex but not the 'everyday' stuff. He has always said he needs to be fully into the scene/fantasy or not at all - eg we can't be half dressed up and just cut to the end. Which is hard. Altho i think i will persevere with that blurring, as i think he will realise once baby comes along that that's going to be the most time/energy we are going to get.

Anyway, last night we had a lovely time. He asked if i wanted to go to bed early so we took cake up with us, and he spontaneously offered to give me a massage . i returned the favour. We stroked and kissed.

We were going to have sex/toy but i really didn't feel like it and he looked shattered. So i suggested we didn't. I think that took a bit of pressure off. And even tho we had spent an hour touching (non genital) neither of us felt aroused. Is that bad?

He said he was worried about me, he had noticed i didn't seem happy and asked was i lonely? I said i wanted more intimacy and that something had felt 'missing' recently. He asked if i didn't want kink anymore? and i said not for the time being, which he was fine with. He did ask if i meant not ever. I said no, just not at the mo'. I told him my body felt very different now and i needed more 'connection' during sex.

Thinking about it an issue is i don't reinforce these things, so altho i've said similar before - i haven't backed it up, and i have just waited for him to then do something different. When he doesn't know what to do (and neither do i) i just revert to what was done before in a panic to fill the uncomfortable space. Which has given both of us mixed signals. Whereas last night i had the confidence to stop when it felt okay and just enjoy being together.

I think we both felt good and very loving. He said how nice it was. But he still promised we could have sex in the morning if i wanted. To which i said let's just see. As i write this i think maybe he feels he needs to perform and make me orgasm regularly (because he's away so much - he wants me to be 'satisfied' physically) rather than focus on the emotional side. I do think that was how it was in the beginning - i had come out of a sexless marriage so he was trying to give me what i had missed.

Sorry if this is rambling. Not sure if it makes sense.

Anyway, thank you again for taking time to help me. it's hard when you don't have a sounding board for these feelings.

It makes sense. And it will probably make sense to your DH if you explain to him that at the moment it's not all about the end result ie orgasm.
Just try and explain that what you need right now is an emotional connection and if that means non sexual touching in bed at the moment you are fine with that. And then gradually move it on so the touching becomes loving AND sexual.

Being pregnant changes the way you feel, it's a funny time for a woman and you probably are struggling to understand why and how things have changed for you, so you can imagine your DH is just as confused.
But you are doing the right thing, keep talking, keep making sure you have that emotional connection and if you are feeling like that sex, talk to him and tell him what you need.

You both seem to want to make the other happy, I think you just need to keep spelling out exactly what that means for you.