Trial Separation or Fight to save marriage

[stumpy1969]

Hope it's OK for a man to post!! If not apologise.

Could do with advice. Wife and i have been married for 12 years and have two children 8 and 6.

As a family unit we get on fine and the kids are happy. have a good circle of friends, no money issues, nice home. No arguments in 6 months. Neither of is violent, gets drunk. However the intimacy in marriage has not been there for some years. I had a long conversation a couple of weeks ago where i said i did not want to stay in loveless marriage for sake of children as i could then just see us getting divorced when kids left home (and the temptation to have a one night stand or affair to be OK) - note nether of us (certainly not me wants one night stand / affair)

My wife said the spark had gone (ie not as career focussed, does not fancy me)

We agreed to have a trial separation (i rent somewhere, joint custody of children) for a period of 6 months to try and work things round

Whilst looking for somewhere to rent i have started running 5km a day (already lost half a stone, just another 3/4 stone to go before beer belly gone), eating healthier

However in the last three weeks when confiding in friends about our amicable separation we have discovered one friend has being having an affair for 3 months and has now left husband for good, another friend has had troubles in marriage for 2 years and last week kicked husband out.

I will be honest and say that i will do anything do save our marriage and get things back to how they were, I am concerened that maybe we to hasty in agreeing separation to save marriage. ie ie will be living in a rented house (which will not be a home) and therefore i am sure that will get me down. The agreed contact to try and reignite the flame is once a fortnight after first month apart for a date night. We will see each other on family afternoons with children but will not discuss issues in front of kids. I am struggling how i can attempt to reignite spark when that fortnightly contact is the time we are also discussing our issues. ie not the most romantic thing on a date to bring up anecdotes of how we have upset each other over the years

When wife was out last weekend she came back and mentioned that amongst our friends we seem to be "not too bad"

I was upset when my wife said she did not fancy me anymore but after doing a lot of readings om forums believe this is not uncommon. We make time as a family but not necessarily for each other.

So the question i need advice on at what stage is it best trying to work things out whilst still in family home and at what stage would a separation (trial) be best?

ie. if i can stay in home we can continue to decorate son's bedroom together, plan new kitchen.

By moving out i feel that it jsut makes it easier for separation to become permananent.

Miss F, you sound slightly unhinged. And very angry with the world.

The OP's situation doesn't sound good. But why are you laying all the blame at his feet? Why are you making assumptions about his behaviour (past, present and future) that you cannot possibly know? I am certain (as is the OP) that whatever the issues are in their marriage, they are both at fault. But right now, here, he is looking for advice, not abuse.

Mean, I'm not angry? why would you think that? I have an opinion, which to me is valid. I really don't worry if someone thinks differently.

My opinion is a man shouldnt actually be on a womans website. I find it weird but if you have another opinion about it it's fine.

Wow, unhinged? due to me saying i think the OP is controlling? And not saying that he needs a ruggy at the moment? Ive obviously dropped into 1950. Make him a cup of tea girls.

stumpy. You could try re-posting with exactly the same facts but switching the sex of you and your wife. Ie you pretend to be a woman, I expect some of the more Militant posters would suddenly be more sympathetic. Please don't bother responding to any of their comments, it only encourages them.

I dont mean to sound horrible but ive seen posts both on here and on MSE where the female poster has posted about being in a financially abusive relationship.
OP sometimes something that might have been a trivial item to you may have been an essential one to her.
Ive also seen mysogynistic comments on other sites from blokes moaning about how their wives have "let themselves go" and then in the next breath moan about how an excersise class/new top or whatever costs money!
And then they are eying up other women while refusing to acknowledge that looking good costs money.
Not saying this is you OP but ive seen it on other message boards and ive seen it happen in friends relationships.

It's not a 'woman's website' . And even if it was so what? Go and dust your Spare Rib collection rather than wasting your time getting all het up.

Op, I think you sound decent but I think you should back off a bit. Best advice a friend ever gave me was to say everything you want to say, try your hardest... Then give up.it does sound like she has lost interest.

BUT being a single parent is not the Rose garden she may think - and sharing parenting is a difficult thing to pull off unless you can move to a house on the same street. It may be that the reality of going it alone may make her think again, but ifit doesn't you need to move on with dignity, knowing at you did what you could.

Marriage is often a dull, thankless exercise that has to be worked at. Hollywood has not done anyone any favours in promoting unrealistic, romantic and exciting marriages as normal. Most of us are just muddling through, arguing about whose turn it is to put out the bin and fending off partners with wildly different sex drives.

I have seen plenty of people walk away from their marriages for the excitement of a new partner. In 2 years the grass is just as brown as it was in the previous relationship except now they don't see their children and pay a fortune in child maintenance.

I genuinely believe that if you can still manage to laugh together, be good companions and sometimes reignite the passion that brought you together you are doing pretty well

So this site is just for Mums? Well it probably started out that way...

The OP is obviously touching a nerve with some. No reason for him to be attacked

Fortunately we're not all bitter and twisted, OP, but at least you're getting a different perspective on things.
I hope it works out for you.

Encourages them? blimey. Militant? Women are? I seriously wonder and want to hold my head in my hands most of the time.

Exactly the same facts are irrelivant here because they wouldn;t happen. They might but very very rarely. Why on earth dont women catch on to it?

missf
I think you need to look at Mumsnets Q & A section, I have cut and pasted to save you the trouble.

I'm not a Mum - can still I join Mumsnet?We hope Mumsnet isn't exclusive to mums and indeed we know we have a number of dads who log on and contribute. If it doesn't sound too pompous we think the concept of "mumming/mothering" goes beyond gender so don't feel Mumsnet is too exclusive. We did think of calling the site parentsnet.com but it just sounded so hideous. We do have Dadsnet specifically for men to chat here but you'll find that if you just contribute on the regular threads folks won't be surprised by having a male joining in. Similarly, we have a section specially for grandparents, Gransnet

Miss F isnt there some night you could be reclaiming or some other useful service to the cause of feminism you could be espousing about now. A shame to see your considerable talents wasted on us no mark Stepford Wives.

I have to say that a man shouldn't be on a womans board really and I always wonder why they are here?

Because he wants to ask a female perspective on a problem involving a female ?

well spero, I land where I do. If you sort of think stepford then that is purely up to you isn't it. I also dont claim to be a feminist, I believe in equality of the sexes and i dont really find it in our present times. what does that make me then.

Why on earth dont women catch on to it?

Maybe we're all too busy just getting on with our lives and relationships, warts and all, to be looking for a feminist agenda in the minutiae thereof.

Ohdearnigel

Does he really? does he not know what he will hear? is he so naive?

Relationships on MN is cut throat and for a reason, the reason is that women are fucked over and he knows it.

Indeed miss F we both have our own opinions to which we are fully entitled etc, etc.

But I say hurrah for stumpy, at least he is actually trying to figure out what is goingon and get some advice, to which he seems genuinely capable of listening. I wish my ex had shown even a scintilla of stumpy's self awareness then I might not be now struggling through single parentdom with annemotionally traumatised child who's fuckwit of a father has chosen to live in Australia.

So I find your sniping unconstructive. Just my opinion of course.

Im not a feminist? never read a thing about it. All I am is a 50 year old woman knowing that we are still being fucked over all the time. I read these boards and think/know that women are soo damn far from equality it hurts. A person will get away with what they can and since time began a man was able to. Women are soo aggrieved becasue they damn well know now and won't stick up for themselves due to what should be right in a mans world.

Well fuck that and fuck all the women that believe it. You are either stupid or too controlled to know better.

Sorry that your world view is so twisted that you think it a good use of your time to vent in this way. There have been many threads where the male posters may have deserved your kind of response. This isn't one of them.

Yeah! Fuck all those women...but not with a penis, mind!

Arf at Constance.

Going to bed now. Cheer up Miss F, I don't disagree with a lot of what you say, just the way you say it.

Good luck stumpy, I hope it all works out for the best, whichever way that turns out.

stumpy1969,it sounds like you need to have a talk with her,do your best,hope she will listen,and then let her go for a while.
I dont know what arrangements you both have about telling the children.
Your wife does sound like she needs to clear her head.
I think holding grudges is going to be part of the problem.
I'm not sure if now would be the time to do it,but perhaps you could make a list of the things she may be holding against you.
And sometime show her the list and apologise for them?She probably has a few more in mind that you may have forgotten.
It is difficult for anybody to move on in themselves,when they are holding hurts from way back that havent at least been talked about.
Good luck to you both.

Stumpy, shame you can't get her to go to relate, either alone or as a couple, then she could get her thoughts sorted out.

I think if you appeared happy and in control of your life (you come over as a bit wimpy), slimmer, busier she might find you more attractive.

You both seem to have the attitude that we might/ might not separate permanently as if it's just another of life's little problems when in fact it would probably mean, in time, that one or both of you find new partners, one or both of you may want or need to move a distance away so that seeing the children becomes a headache, and that finances will be fine despite running two homes. Have you assured her that you will always provide for her and kids and always be there to childmind. Then she can dither around without having to deal with the normal problems of being a single mum and just do as she wants and take as long as she wants. Maybe you both need to consider some home truths.

This sounds too far gone to pull back to a happy marriage without both of you committing fully to it

Sorry but from what you say your DW just thinks you'll meet up every couple of weeks and work it all out over six months while dining out ?

I agree with whoever said this is a way of letting you both leave the marriage more gently and actually thats no bad thing , ok you might choose a different home if it were to be permanent but 6 months is no big deal in a compromise home.

Her comment about not giving you a second glance now probably sums it up really but as you say if you do things the way she is asking but it doesnt work then at least you wont be hearing how the marriage could have been saved if only you had agreed to a trial separation