Trial Separation or Fight to save marriage

[stumpy1969]

Hope it's OK for a man to post!! If not apologise.

Could do with advice. Wife and i have been married for 12 years and have two children 8 and 6.

As a family unit we get on fine and the kids are happy. have a good circle of friends, no money issues, nice home. No arguments in 6 months. Neither of is violent, gets drunk. However the intimacy in marriage has not been there for some years. I had a long conversation a couple of weeks ago where i said i did not want to stay in loveless marriage for sake of children as i could then just see us getting divorced when kids left home (and the temptation to have a one night stand or affair to be OK) - note nether of us (certainly not me wants one night stand / affair)

My wife said the spark had gone (ie not as career focussed, does not fancy me)

We agreed to have a trial separation (i rent somewhere, joint custody of children) for a period of 6 months to try and work things round

Whilst looking for somewhere to rent i have started running 5km a day (already lost half a stone, just another 3/4 stone to go before beer belly gone), eating healthier

However in the last three weeks when confiding in friends about our amicable separation we have discovered one friend has being having an affair for 3 months and has now left husband for good, another friend has had troubles in marriage for 2 years and last week kicked husband out.

I will be honest and say that i will do anything do save our marriage and get things back to how they were, I am concerened that maybe we to hasty in agreeing separation to save marriage. ie ie will be living in a rented house (which will not be a home) and therefore i am sure that will get me down. The agreed contact to try and reignite the flame is once a fortnight after first month apart for a date night. We will see each other on family afternoons with children but will not discuss issues in front of kids. I am struggling how i can attempt to reignite spark when that fortnightly contact is the time we are also discussing our issues. ie not the most romantic thing on a date to bring up anecdotes of how we have upset each other over the years

When wife was out last weekend she came back and mentioned that amongst our friends we seem to be "not too bad"

I was upset when my wife said she did not fancy me anymore but after doing a lot of readings om forums believe this is not uncommon. We make time as a family but not necessarily for each other.

So the question i need advice on at what stage is it best trying to work things out whilst still in family home and at what stage would a separation (trial) be best?

ie. if i can stay in home we can continue to decorate son's bedroom together, plan new kitchen.

By moving out i feel that it jsut makes it easier for separation to become permananent.

I have to say that a man shouldn't be on a womans board really and I always wonder why they are here?

It's no place for them, or shall I just pop off to the masons?

I'ts weird and I don't like it.

He's totally in her business and it's wrong.

Keep fighting? for what? to totally creep her out?

I'm not so sure about the whole 'fighting' thing. Honestly, I tried every angle, changed every single thing about myself that he wanted me too. It seemed to drive him further away.

He has just come home.... but not because I fought for him, quite the opposite. I went out, got a lawyer, started a divorce, started going out several nights a week with the girls, a friend was about to put me on a dating site, I'd taken up old hobbies, and although I haven't yet found paid work I've started to some freebie work for an acquaintance to get my business brain in gear as I want to set up on my own. In short I just became me again. I'm not sure whether I want him back though - the jury is out.

It's good to admit to problems, to talk about them, and try to resolve things, but at the end of the day it doesn't help to keep trying to persuade someone to come back.

Persuasion is another form of control

I agree with MissF

i think he is bloody brave posting here!!
surely we should be helping him not trying to label him?...

mumsnet By parents for parents.
I welcome men on here.
I have been tempted to post on dadsnet,but couldnt find a topic at the time that interested me.
You may have to move out for a bit.
It does sound like she does need some head space.
I would let her know ,if she doesnt already,of the things that you are genuinely willing to change.And also genuinely apologise,if needed,of things you know you are guilty of.I wouldnt just assume she knows already.

RandomMess - i would not have chosen the two bed roomed house i have picked if it was permanent. But the places are limited in terms of close to home and being immediately vacant so i can share custody with the children. I want this trial to start as quickly as possible so hopefully we can open up the communications channel again.

s0fedup - I do want to fight for my marriage. Not because i cannot cope with working and doing 50 per cent joint custody (i have informed my boss who has said whatever working hrs i need to do he will be OK with as long as during course of week i get all tasks/projects completed that i am down to deliver), not because i believe everyone should stay married no matter what. I truly believe my wife and i can work together better as a team than apart and I just feel we are meant to be (how corny is this?) Must remember to reread in 2 years when we are disputing finances in divorce settlement. I also want look my children in the eye in 5 years/10 years/20 years and tell them i did everything in my power to save our marriage. I do wish i had read some relationship books earlier on in marriage rather than just in the last 3 weeks.

Appreciate the "thoroughly decent man" - unfortunately i thought all women liked the "bad boys"?

amillionyears You said in an earlier post "Does she hold things against other people...". Her Dad and Mum went through a very messy divorce just as were getting married. Since then she has hardly spoken to her Dad apart from family events. There have been a few other occassions where she has harboured grudges

BalloonSlayer - i fully agree with the comment "utterly shit thing to say to anyone" - I may have a beer belly but BMI is fine and the fact that i have lost most of that beer belly in three weeks suggests it was not that bad. I would not call myself the most attractive person in world (other than vain people who would?) but i am sociable, funny, good with children.

To most of our friends we are just announcing we are having a trial separation to work out some issues and please do not ask for more details. We have each chosen a few close friends to confide in more detail. One of the people i have chosen is married to one of the girls my wife has chosen. Heard tonight that my wife kept contradicting herself. ie she wants me to earn more money which she know means changing job and probably working longer hrs/working away more. In the next sentence she has said that she likes the fact i can work from home when i want to help with the school run, help with drop offs at after school activities, will make time to go to school sports days/events.

Night Night people.

What a saint

I don't think we are getting the full story.

And I agree again with MissF. What brought you to MN OP?

Move out like she's asked you to. Give her a break. It sounds like she's just had enough of you hoarding money and nagging for sex. You also mention that she started her own business some time ago, so if she was bringing money in as well, that would have been even less reason for you to consider yourself in sole control of the family finances.

It does sound like you have acknowledged you were wrong and have been trying to change, but it may well be too little too late. And by ignoring her wishes for you to give her some space, you are more likely to give her the impression that you are still putting your wishes ahead of hers, and she might well decide, sod the trial separation, just get a divorce.

This is, to my mind a "private" site for women.

Get over yourself MissF. This is a public forum and I don't understand why you are being so hostile to the OP. Lots of men come here for relationship advice - and good on them for wanting to improve their relationships.

Good luck OP. Fwiw I think your wife is taking you for granted. But maybe the trial separation is exactly what your relationship needs.

Just read some of the posts in the last hr. Sorry for upsetting people who do not want me to post but i would like to take the time to clarify a couple of points before i work out how to delete my posts:

MissFaversam - i did mention at the start if i could post and i have seen other posts from men. Unfortunately for me men are not that good at opening up and there is not an equivalent board with regular visitors that i can find. You are right that "persuasion is another form of control". My wife will not be persuaded by me if she does not want be persuaded. Also if my wife does not have feelings for me at the end of separation then i don't believe we should be together and we should just move on with our lies in the most painless way possible. If my wife believes that we have no future after some reflection then we have no future. We will at least to attempt to end marriage civilly and as friends. Three weeks ago i would have said differently but it is thanks to this kind of board/discussions that has allowed me to understand that my wife is not behaving stupidly . people fall in and out of love. I did not realise how common this was in terms of "spark no longer there"
Have no idea if my wife has posted here - i came across this site through someone at work who mentioned the forums had helped support her through her marriage break up.

I am not going to harass my wife. We have agreed the methods and times of contact for first month.

amillionyears - i will be opening up to my wife and she has heard most of what i have posted.

I 'facilitate' men to do what exactly, MissF?

Oh dear. We have been married for ever. Well 21 years and 23 together. DH can be a tight wad and the lust does fade over time but we are the best of friends and have ridden a few storms together. He pokes fun at the size of my bum and I giggle about his belly. We have never though contemplated separating and I think that if this is what your wife wants the chips are down. You may be a tight wad but that doesn't give her the right to demand you earn more if there is enough. Likewise nagging for sex doesn't mean it will be available on tap and it is very trying when a man doesn't appreciate that dw doesn't fancy it and nagging tonight doesn't make one more willing to give it tomorrow night after a good sleep. It rather sounds as though she wants a different lifestyle and however hard you try she wants to seek it elsewhere.

I am sorry for what your family is going through and most especially for your dc. I hope they will weather the storm.

Where does the OP suggest he nags his wife for sex?

Im not sure bushy thats up to you to decide not me really.

All I know is it won't stop until women stand up for ourselves.

Stop saying "bless them" they don't know, because the bloody do.

Stop saying, I need to look after him.

Women need to say "NO" more and more and more.

We WEREN'T put on this earth to LOOK AFTER men.

i just need to clarify a couple of more things - my original question was "So the question i need advice on at what stage is it best trying to work things out whilst still in family home and at what stage would a separation (trial) be best?"

This to me was a questioned aimed at eliciting advice from people who had maybe tried both options. I did not mean to go into the details of the last 12 years.

The fact that my wife who is an intelligent women wants time to herself suggests to me that there is an root cause that may be me in terms of our relationship but i believe most marriages have their ups and downs (surely it is worth fighting a little bit when you are on a down to try and get back to an up)

"Oh and let's not forget the "sex" - In terms of the separation - having sex again within 6 months is not the "result" i am looking for. I have managed to live without sex for a number of years. What i want back is the affection / closeness we used to have. That requires two of us to be committed to working this out. If only one of us is prepared to work then the separation will become permanent. We will move on and adjust.
Hold the purse strings - I really don't with regards to our monthly salaries.

bushymcbush - i honestly believe we have taken each other for granted

Marriedinwhite, you brought a tear to my eye, how wonderful that you compromise and love each other equally. The key must be that you are best friends too. You give us all hope x

missfaversham. Why on earth don't you just hide the thread rather than get so angry about it? You come across as very aggressive.

stumpy. Please ignore any unpleasant posters on here. Its not representative
Of the usual MN advice.
Have you tried marriage guidance? What about simple hints like going for walks together or playing sports together. I know these aren't the most helpful suggestions but it's the type of thing that keeps my DH and I close. Hope everything works out for you.

stumpy you say you dont hold the purse strings but have you ever moaned at her for spending money that you think would have been better saved?