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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I've gone into complete panic mode. Verging on hibernation mode. Please help.

999 replies

JackieandJudy · 15/07/2012 15:39

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after.

OP posts:

sadwidow28 · 25/09/2012 22:16

I have just had a sad exchange with SIL who has left a DV situation. A friend offered to pay for her stair carpet - so I checked with her and she accepted the offer - I have bought her a 2nd-hand good quality stair carpet off eBay .......... SIL is now saying: "I thought I would be able to choose my own NEW carpet'

Every good turn comes back and bites you on the bum!

I will make sure I get the carpet to Womens Aid!

izzyizin · 25/09/2012 22:26

Has your ungrateful SIL not heard of the saying 'beggars can't be choosers' sw?

When she's got the moolahs she can choose her own new carpet and I hope you've made it clear to her that, until then, her bum can take it chances against the splinters on her wooden stairs.

I have no doubt that the eventual recipient of your carpet will be eternally grateful to you.

sadwidow28 · 25/09/2012 23:04

I am just so disappointed Izzy. My friends in 'the other place' have pulled out all the stops and sent her items she needed when she walked out with a plate, a knife and a fork. She has the potential of a lovely flat now.....

I visited her flat when I was at Mam's 88th birthday weekend and her lounge is superb! I bought the sofa, friends bought her curtains, picture frames had been sent............... her kitchen is doing really well. A friend of mine sent her a fully equipped toilet bag so that she could go into hospital for her operation feeling 'loved' and 'cared for'.

Well - tuff SIL!

How dare she think that she has a budget to buy NEW carpet and tell me on the phone tonight that she doesn't want the 2nd hand carpet?

I need to let my SIL go. I am not responsible for my brother's DV, EA and FA. She chose to live with it for 27 years. I didn't cause it, I couldn't control it not could I fix it.

skyebluesapphire · 25/09/2012 23:09

SW - sad as it sounds, I think that you have done all that you can and like you say, you are not responsible for your brothers actions. You have been very caring and generous. If she wants to stand on her own, then let her and see how she gets on .....

sadwidow28 · 26/09/2012 00:02

Thank you everyone! (JandJ, I don't mean to hi-jack your thread)

Nearly done all the cooking!

I am making a kiwi cheesecake in honour of Homebirds.

izzyizin · 26/09/2012 01:31

Be careful, sw - those cooking smells that are wafting over the ether and the thought of kiwi cake may draw a throng sufficient uninvited guests to sink the boat

I'm sad that your SIL chose to endure so many years of dv, but you're not your brother's keeper and you cannot be held responsible for his behaviour/actions any more than he can be held to account for yours.

IMO you should rest content that your SIL has proved herself to have more front than Selfridges so effectively got out from under as it's evidence that she no longer has need of your financial or other ministrations. As for your kindness to her having bitten you on the bum; a transitory sting is but a reminder that you should devote yourself to those who enhance your life and leave those that bring nothing to the table to their own devices.

izzyizin · 26/09/2012 01:36

This is the link to the other thread I mentioned: www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1568987-Advice-please-Do-I-need-to-toughen-up

It's possible that the OP won't be back but, in case she does call in again, perhaps we could take it in turns to add a few encouraging words/thoughts every couple of days?

This page needs sparkles... :¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?-:¦::¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø:¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø :¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?-:¦::¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø:¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,

ladyWordy · 26/09/2012 01:51

With love to JandJ and her DH

ForeverAutumnNow · 26/09/2012 02:09

:¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?-:¦::¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø:¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø :¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?-:¦::¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø:¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°`°º¤ø,

I hope I`m not breaking any copywright law Izzy, by borrowing some of your lovely sparkles. They are for a good cause!

So pleased that DH is back where he belongs J, and a sincere hope that he gets the help he needs to control his pain. Has there been any talk of him seeing a Psychologist? What he has faced would have floored a lesser man, and he may benefit talking through all that he has endured. His quietness may be masking possible fears, and he may feel the need of re-assurances about certain things. I`m sure your love for each other, and for your family, is what will help him the most though.

Lovely to see you again SW, and being your usual busy, multi-tasking self. Dont waste any more of your time or money on anyone who doesnt fully appreciate it. I`m afraid some people take advantage of good nature.

Some more Izzy Specials to heal those in need tonight.....Sleep is eluding me for some reaon.

izzyizin · 26/09/2012 02:18

No copyright issues whatsoever, Autumn. The sparkles that brighten this board are free for any to use for all who have need of them.

sadwidow28 · 26/09/2012 03:24

I have nearly finished my cooking and I am loading my car now.

However, I have decided that I am taking you all on the narrowboat cruise with me. I am placing JandJ and each and every one of you in my heart and I am taking you for a jolly day out in cyber space.

We will putt putt down the Bridgewater Canal and look at the bird life. We will relax in the stream of water ripples that we leave behind the boat. You must wave to all and sundry on the canal bank - walkers, joggers, anglers and little children!

If you can help me with my canine friend, that would be so appreciated. He does a whinge every so often to say he needs to relieve himself .... so we have to moor up and get him off the boat...... but watch him because he frollicks up the banks and amongst the trees and forgets that he is 13 years old now!!

We will leave sparkles wherever we go tomorrow.

I won't be at home tomorrow night but I think I can log in.

Are we all ready?

Off we will jolly well go then!

foolonthehill · 26/09/2012 10:22

(Jumps into virtual barge...SW can I bring our newly rescued Springer spaniel too?? will your bestest canine friend mind? She's very very calm and loving) could just do with a positive experience in the company of loving friends. Happy to do doggy duties whilst you are imprisoned occupying the galley.

JandJ Dh may be housebound but I'm sure a little inland cruise will be ideal pictures are here you may have to bring extra supplies of Hope on a rope Izzy (and there are no excuses for not turning up just cos you are Stateside I will bring for those who can't/don't take to the strong stuff.

All others we will pick you up as you appear along the route.

Love to all

ForeverAutumnNow · 26/09/2012 11:04

Ahoy there everyone. I`m just a few miles from Warrington, so well placed to join this virtual little cruise. Lovely, mild - virtual! - Autumnal weather too. Rain, what rain? More than happy to help with doggy duties. Love and sparkles to all.

jellibelli · 26/09/2012 12:00

JandJ thank you for your update. I am sorry DH is in such pain, I am not surprised he is slow and reluctant to move. As well as the pain of the movement the sensation he receives must be scarey . It won't be speeding his recovery I'm sure. I hope your visit to the cardiac clinic today will be fruitful and they can make progress for him and give him the help he deserves.

Lets not forget the progress he has made in actually being well enough to be at home with you all - hurrah!

I am sure that some of the tears you let flow when dropping off DS were some that have been held in for some time and escaped while you let the drawbridge down. Don't be surprised at yourself or disappointed or any other negative emotion. There's no shame in honest tears! (I have every sympathy with you btw, I sobbed for the change when i dropped my DC off too, I was alone too as DH was away with work).

Will be good to see you all on the canal trip but I'll have to leave early to go to Liverpool. Yummy food SW and great company with all the love and kindness swilling around the boat.

Best wishes, light and love continue to all the JandJs and all other characters on the thread who would benefit from some positivity and support, be they actual posters, like SW or the three legged cat just beginning her new life. i think we may need to think of K9SW tomorrow as it sounds like he will be a bit stiff after too much fun and capering today!

lazarusb · 26/09/2012 16:15

Oh SW how I would love your virtual trip..I hope the sun is shining! Although I'll avoid the kiwi cheesecake as I'm allergic to the delicious little fruits.

As for your SIL - I was in her shoes but after just 6 years and with ds in tow - I would have been grateful for any help whatsoever. As others have said, maybe time to let her float out down river on her own.

dondon33 · 26/09/2012 16:39

Wait for meeeeee I want on the barge.... don-don hunts along the river banks searching for a 13 yr old canine frolicking like a puppy in a trail of sparkles

I could do with cheering up at the minute, having a bit of a tough time, and really would like some kiwi cheesecake I know it would help :)

So nice to see you back SW.
I rather agree with Skye regarding your SIL.

Hi JandJ- I hope your DH, even in some small positive way, is feeling a little better today x

Love and hugs to all x

ladyWordy · 27/09/2012 00:31

A family member had surgery a few years ago ( something much less urgent) and I remember she come back very small, sore and fragile, like a little shell of herself. Literally grey too because blood transfusions had gone out of fashion. :(. ( nothing like what your DH has gone through of course).
I tried to think how she'd be 7 days hence, and then another 7 days, because daily progress was slow. It did come though, and luckily she fully recovered her strength.

I'm hoping you see progress too, however gradual JandJ.

I've never been in a boat, so am rather liking this virtual trip :) :) a beautiful idea...

Homebird8 · 27/09/2012 02:47

Ah SadWidow, now you're talking. I grew up with my garden fence on the tow path and have canals in my blood. I always wanted a narrow boat but it seems an unlikely ambition as there aren't any canals in NZ. I'd love to e-accompany you and if you need a crew member to leg us through the tunnels I'm your woman.

Legging it is a slow process, one step at a time and in the dark with drips landing when you least expect them; a bit like DH's progress I should think. Keep going though and the light at the end appears and I'm praying for a short tunnel for the whole J&J family.

So sorry J&J that your husband is in pain. I hope you can get the cardiac and renal teams to communicate and not abdicate responsibility to each other to sort him out.

Glad DS is at uni though. DS1 came back from his 6 days away, no worse the wear for his concussion, and full of stories and experiences. I have to admit, I was pretty pleased to see him though. 9 is too young to leave home

foolonthehill · 27/09/2012 10:25

Hi jandJ hope the pain relief is better and the line is working. On the river there are sparkle galore as the sun hits the water...they are all for you and those who need them this morning.

SW your SIL is missing out, it is sad but it's time for her to help herself now. there will never be a shortage of people in need of your help and support....thanks for everything you do....and hope you are enjoying some real life sparkles!!!

foolonthehill · 27/09/2012 21:58

a little bump to keep us up on the first page. Love to all.

shall we serve hope on a rope from this??www.selfmadesailor.com/images/rope-bottle/bottle-3-23.jpg in keeping with the nautical theme.

Prayers for restorative sleep and encouraging progress jandj

Lovethesea · 27/09/2012 22:31

Just read the whole thread, so sorry for your stormy weather and hope you and DH can find some calm water to sail on soon!

Prayers for healing, life in all its fullness and much joy for you and all of your family.

Homebird8 · 28/09/2012 02:02

Very appropriate Fool, I'd love to use a bottle like this but I'm not sure my batches of Hope on a Rope will ever make it as far as a bottle! hic!

lazarusb · 28/09/2012 16:27

Do you know fool, that bottle reminded me of being a child...I'm sure there was a local pub that had lots of those hanging round the bar. (my parents were morris dancers so we saw inside the odd pub occasionally while shuffling through to the toilet!).

sadwidow28 · 28/09/2012 16:52

Well, it has taken me some time to write up the story of our narrowboat trip. I wrote it and the t'internet wouldn't upload it! I think we had far too much fun!

Fool, one of our first animal encounters included a Springer (female) called Luca who still has to be muzzled as she is newly rescued. Ringo (my canine companion) brought her on the boat at the aft and they chatted away. The new owner said that she had never seen Luca so calm. I believe we had your lovely canine companion with them as well because I offered to take them both for a run up the canal bank and they were definitely woofing at other parties and playing in a pack!

Forever Autumn, we waited by Stockton Heath for you to join us. You brought the better weather and made the rain cease. What a great walk everyone had to Walton Gardens and by the canal bank. Did you see the most perfect rainbow (ground to ground over Warrington). Many pictures were taken, prayers said and positive thoughts sent to JandJ.

Lady Wordy sat inside the narrowboat all day. She loved the chit chat amongst friends and scattered her sparkles inside the boat. She was entertaining and engaging - a great asset to our virtual cruise.

We let jellibelli off just before Daresbury so that she could wend her way to Liverpool. But we had all joined hands together to keep our circle of love very strong.

It was fantastic that Homebird joined us. She was a true trooper with experience and took the boat through some very narrow parts of the canal. We never bumped a parked boat on the bends and she even managed to navigate round the less experienced skippers who meandered their boats across the canal. We were totally safe in her capable hands.

I know that everyone enjoyed the English breakfast and their 3-course meal 4 hours later. Whilst that gladdened my heart, it was the rainbow that convinced me we were connected with JandJ and her DH. It isn't every time that we see a perfect rainbow - but we were given one on our virtual cruise. That equates to positive thought and prayer. I was also a bit 'gob-smacked' when 2 equestrian friends walked towards Ringo and the Springers and they did 'love and kisses'. Was Izzy sending good thoughts do you think? I do!

It was a surreal and wonderful day where we were all connected by thought. It was a great day and I am sure we have managed to send more positive thoughts to JandJ and her DH and family.

Thank you for joining me in my heart. I had great fun. I hope you did also.

sadwidow28 · 28/09/2012 17:09

And... and... lazarubs ate half a chocklit gateaux! She was gracious though and asked if anyone wanted to share! She gave away all the kiwi cheesecake with great grace to dLondon

I had to laugh as dLondon was running along the bank to catch us up. It was so clever of Ringo to put the gears into 'go slower' so she could hop on the boat!

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