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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've gone into complete panic mode. Verging on hibernation mode. Please help.

999 replies

JackieandJudy · 15/07/2012 15:39

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after. Sad

OP posts:
TheLastRavenhope · 22/09/2012 15:56

Phew! I finally have internet again! I haven't had chance to catch up on the posts, just wanted to send some more sparkles to everyone :)

And now I'll catch up and sort out getting onto the other site :)

Xx

izzyizin · 22/09/2012 16:34

More sparkles coming up... ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø and I hope that these ones wlll shower down on JanJ's house and that her dh is enjoying every comfort their home can offer.

izzyizin · 23/09/2012 02:50

And a few more to return this thread to its rightful place at the top of the charts Smile
:¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?-:¦::¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø:¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø

Homebird8 · 23/09/2012 07:48

Is that pattern from the tip of the sparkler in Pa's latest concoction? It's put me right in the mood!

Made a decision the other day. I've been wanting a boat for years (narrow boat in the UK but that'll have to change now - no canals in NZ!) and I've been on the lookout for a great name. Finally worked it out - my watery home will be called... Wait for it... Hope on a Rope! And every time I set off in her I'll think of the love in the world and how we are never alone, whatever we are facing. Just need my DH to get his foot mended and get a job and then we can think about it!

Hoping J&J and her DH are sitting together and making a few plans for some happy times. I can't keep up with the mountain of sparkles but I hope they're hitting their mark and brightening up the J&J household as intended Wink

dondon33 · 23/09/2012 08:14

Good morning from the UK guys.

Yeah Izzy, we really need a petition for new emotions. I'd also like to include a slap one :) obviously only for when posters start topics "please slap me" :)

Welcome back Raven, it's like losing an arm when you don't have internet connection or is that just me

Homebird- I love your boat name, I hope you can it soon.

dondon33 · 23/09/2012 08:15

*GET it soon :)
I haven't had enough coffee yet to function properly :)

lazarusb · 23/09/2012 11:00

Homebird - what a fabulous name! It's nice that this thread is a going to be a long standing reminder of, no matter how difficult life can be, there is a lot of love and strength on offer. (Terrible grammar but I hope you know what I mean!).

Haven't been around much as I'm trying to re-establish my Uni frame of mind! Doing lots of reading but not sure how much is sinking in.... I tried to write my CV yesterday as well - it's amazing how little I have achieved in my 41 years on this planet! I am going to start my quilt square today (gulp). I am really nervous that it will be terrible and the rest of you will laugh at it Blush I shall have a Hope on a Rope at the ready to console myself!

J and J, SW and fool - I hope this weekend is bringing you some peace and comfort and the river of life is bringing good things your way. Thinking of you all x

ladyWordy · 24/09/2012 01:57

Love Hope on a Rope! :) let's throw some out to anyone who needs it :)

izzyizin · 24/09/2012 03:34

On that subject, Wordy, there is another OP who would seem to be in need of a rope to hang on to and, if no-one has any objection, I'd very much like to post a link to their thread here - not, I hasten to add, in the expectation that we'll be making more rl quilts Smile

Until your verdict is in I've conjured up a few sparkles and left one of the earlier thoughts for the day from this thread which I hope will give provide the encouragement that can seem in short supply when the night is long.

I suggest you take Tom Denning to bed, laza Grin Whatever you may think of his judgements, reforming judges are rare and he did more than most to restore common law to the common people. He was man shaped by, and of, his time but in many ways ahead of it. Given JandJ's experiences, it's a tad ironic that due to the case of Gold v Essex which Denning took on in 1942 the law was changed to make hospitals liable for the negligence of their staff.

Hopefully, a rested and relaxed sw will swirl in later to re-energise the sparkes on this thread and Pa's perfecting a Fall cocktail to extend the sunshine as the nights begin to draw in - recipe alert: buy maple syrup! for those in the southern hemisphere, this little number also works as a precursor to spring.

After my long vacation here I feel in need of a holiday Confused I've been googling October flights to the Greek Isles but at this rate I'll be lucky if I make it before the olives are harvested Smile

Here's hoping that JandJ's dh is soundly slumbering in his own bed...

izzyizin · 24/09/2012 04:23

I second a sound 'slap' emoticon, dondon - perhaps with a wet fish sign? And I'd like an 'eau d'cod' one too Grin

lazarusb · 24/09/2012 09:16

Izzy - I'm happy to entertain Lord Denning in my armchair but I'd prefer not to take him to bed (firmly reserved for Dave Grohl and dh at the moment!) Wink

I'm happy to spread Hope on a Rope further than this thread btw Smile

foolonthehill · 24/09/2012 10:52

Hi all.
JandJ we continue to think of you
I am envious of the special stateside sparkles and may have to capture some for myself as well as throwing them around for JandJ

ForeverAutumnNow · 24/09/2012 14:42

Sparkles for all who need them, but especially for J and family, in the hope that things are starting to look a little brighter for them.

The weather here today is dreadful, absolutely hissing down! However, Im off to beautiful Cadiz, at the end of the week. I adore the place. We stay in the heart of the old walled City, with all its vibrant history, little cobbled streets and cool plazas. Yet the beach is just a short walk away. Perfect.

dondon33 · 24/09/2012 18:26

Greek isles and Cadiz ! I'm feeling envious. I'm in Warsaw at the moment and winter's starting to slowly creep in. It's still a little sunny some days but then the temp drops very quickly - You actually can experience all four seasons in just a few short hours :)

eau d'cod :) :) I've been thinking and I would very much like some sort of almost closed fist at the correct angle with the correct movement ;), emotion. It would save precious time when commenting on horrible DH/DP threads :) (I have a very strong feeling though that this one will never be allowed)

Hope things are good JandJ x

lazarusb · 24/09/2012 20:16

dondon - I've always thought a emotion would be good for that kind of thread....but then I can see that wouldn't be appropriate either! Wink

ladyWordy · 25/09/2012 00:21

Happy to throw a lifeline of hope to anyone who feels in need ?.so would be glad to see the link, izzy. Thanks

....I so love those sparkles!....

foolonthehill · 25/09/2012 11:01

And here today dawns sunny. Hoping you are all ok and that JandJ are continuing to grow in health and happiness. Much love to you all.

JackieandJudy · 25/09/2012 17:09

Hello lovely ladies, what a fab glamorous thread this has become, what with cocktails and sparkles and glitter. So glad none of you can see me as "glamorous" is not the word that would spring to mind, and I'd be chucked off forthwith. Sorry for the long absence, bit of an emotional week but more of that in a minute.

I'm sad to hear that some of us are struggling, any positive vibes I have I'm sending your way, along with good wishes, thoughts and sincere hopes that things will improve. I've really missed getting on-line and hearing from the strong, funny, positive ladies on this thread - it's a real tonic, I truly hope anyone suffering can take the same positives away as I do, and that you all feel better and stronger and more optimistic before too long. And if the thread itself doesn't do it for you, I can personally and highly recommend one (or more) of Pa's cocktails.

I haven't been on MN at all in the last week or so, so I don't know what thread Izzy is referring to, but by all means, if anyone out there can benefit from anything that has happened on this thread (and how could they not? There has been such a wealth of wisdom and love) then do link away.

Homebird, seems like your Dh and ds have been keeping the medical profession in NZ busy this past week! Glad to know both are recovering - maybe we should put our respective dh's in touch and they can swap war stories and entertain each other. Or perhaps they'd prefer it if Laz read them a bedtime story about Mr Denning? I love the story about Dr Hasan too, can just imagine him cowering away from grateful relatives! I think we should start a club for hero doctors, can see there could be a lot of fun in that - twice monthly meetings to debate suitable candidates whilst working our way through Izzy and Pa's cocktails. Naturally, we would have to interview each prospective member in person ...

Autumn, here's hoping you have a wonderful time in Cadiz, it sounds beautiful. Wouldn't say no to the Greek Isles either ...

Anyway, back to earth with a bump! Dh came home on Friday, having had his new line put in last Monday. It works just fine in terms of dh getting enough dialysis (new ones often don't apparently) but for some reason its painful. People have been asking me all week how he is and the honest answer is "I don't know". He's very quiet and grey and slow, and any sort of movement hurts him. As long as he's absolutely still he's fine, but if he moves, he says he feels as if everything is tearing apart. In his own words he says he's "fragile". He's also very emotional and frustrated at his inability to do anything, but I totally get that. We're off to cardiac clinic tomorrow and renal clinic on Friday so he's still being kept a close eye on.

Dh badly wanted to come with me on Sunday to take ds to Uni, but it just seemed too risky. And since I could hardly drive for crying I think it was a wise move on his part ... I was so taken aback by how upset I was, I mean its not like I didn't know it was coming, but I cried and cried. Ds cried when we said bye to dh, but on the whole, he was excited and I'm really happy for him (said through yet more tears!) I had a quick convesation with him this afternoon (just before he had a nap prior to going out tonight - hard life!) and he seems to have taken to it like a duck to water. Those of us left behind do miss him enormously (even ds2, who would rather poke hot needles in his eyes than admit it) but it was the right decision (hopefully).

Some time way up thread I had to go to Wales as my dh had a fall. Well, this week it was dm's turn to take a tumble. Unfortunately, she's in Florida so I can't rush to be with her but she assures me she's fine, just shaken. I only found out because my brother let it slip (he's been out there for the last three weeks with her). I know she's playing it down as she doesn't want to worry me but she is very frail physically, as well as having Parkinson's Disease. Dh and Dm are very close - so now I have each of them fretting about the other, and playing down their own ailments! I have to say that the hibernation mode I felt I was verging on at the beginning of the thread is sounding rather appealing ...

Back with the next (long and boring) installment soon. Look after yourselves everybody.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 25/09/2012 19:44

Words can't express my delight that your dh is ø¤º°`°º¤ø,¸H O M E:¦:?:''''':?-:¦:: JandJ - it's the most welcome and gratifying news I've heard in a long time.

And how truly wonderful that the heroic head of the household was back with you all in time to launch his/your eldest into the exciting world of university freshers - from which the new student will return in a few weeks with a pile of dirty washing!

In the meantime I trust the medics will be able to relieve the pain that your dh is experiencing. It's wearing and debilitating in the extreme to have to avoid movement in order to gain any relief from pain, and it's to be hoped that his clinic appointment tomorrow will lead to investigation of the cause of his discomfort and resolve it so that he can begin to move around freely and get some colour in his face.

Please, JandJ, don't let your dh be fobbed off with 'it's only to be expected' or 'the pain will go in time', or some other dismissal of his concerns, and make it clear in no uncertain terms that what your dh is experiencing cannot be allowed to continue as it impeding his recovery.

The list of deities who have been invoked has grown considerably since Kumugwe was called upon to lend his aid - names and addresses will be provided in due course Smile - and in the next couple of days a god or 2 will be directed to Fla to keep your dm safe from further mishap. I'll also add a link later to the other thread I mentioned and give the recipe for Pa's latest concoction which is mighty pleasing to my tastebuds - but that may because I was practically weaned on maple syrup Grin

There remains the unveiling of your very own special celebratory gin-based cocktail and for that I am relying on you to set the date when, in addition to those that are daily raised at various location around the globe. we can all raise another rl glass to 'the very good health of you and yours, JanJ'

dondon33 · 25/09/2012 19:53

Thanks for the update and it's not boring! we all wait with baited breath for your instalments JandJ.
So glad DH is home now and I feel for him not being able to do much at the moment but it will come, he will feel better as each day passes. Still sending love and strength to him to encourage a faster recovery and take away the pain he's feeling.
Glad to hear your DS is settling in, he'll have the time of his life ;)
It must be strange (I've not experienced it yet) having one DC absent, I'd find myself shouting bellowing up the stairs to him or laying his plate for meals for a long time until I got used to it :)
I hope your DM is ok but understand her reasons for not wanting to worry you.
No.... don't hibernate, come hide take refuge among the sparkles and cocktails. xx

sadwidow28 · 25/09/2012 19:54

And here I am! It was great to log in and see an update - although I fret for DH and his fragility.

JandJ - I cried when DSD decided to do a flat-share within 16 miles of our home (but with hind-sight she was ready to move on). I cried again when she took her first job in Birmingham (and I drove her to the interview, chatted all the way and told her she was 'the best person for the job'). I cried when she got married, again when she emigrated to Japan...... Letting our children go always tugs at the heart strings.

It simply isn't 'life as we know it'.

So I am back for a day - I am kicking the black dog and balancing all my commitments in between. LN is doing well - I have him again this weekend. I have visited one of my charities to meet some of the supporters from 'the other place' (none of the quilters though) and I have someone who has taken over my holiday home. She is collecting a 3-legged cat who needs a forever home. She has paid a donation to a charity to have a week in the HH and my RL friends and I are taking her on a narrowboat trip tomorrow so that her visit to the North feels hospitable and welcoming.

Tonight, I must start cooking a 3-course meal for 11 people so that I have less to do after cooking English Breakfast on the boat. I am known as The Galley Queen but there's no room to even turn round on the boat..... I am good at wiggling by the oven and hob and I run it as a tight ship! My canine friend will attend as the Ship's Dog. It is a position in his life that gives him joy and fun. He may be 13 years old but he still counts everyone and herds them back to the lounge if he thinks they are unsafe. He likes to go at medium speed and knows how to flick his back to change the boat gears if someone does go-faster stripes!

If anyone can send me extra sparkles to keep my spirits up whilst I juggle these commitments, I would be sooooooo grateful. There won't be any Hope on the Rope on the boat, but I will be able to share the story of JandJ tomorrow and get 4 more people into the prayer group.

JandJ, i may not have been around very much for the past week, but I have never missed a day of prayer.

Take care - and love and blessings to you, DH and the family x x x

sadwidow28 · 25/09/2012 19:57

I'll watch this thread tonight to see if anyone else pops in. I think I am cooking until 3am (UK time) !

izzyizin · 25/09/2012 20:07

:¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?-:¦::¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø:¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø :¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?-:¦::¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø:¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø

For sw and for all who are in need of a spark of magic in their lives.

Welcome back, sw - more than a few of the above sparkles are for your amazing canine pal and for the intrepid feline who is going to bring so much love to your holiday home tenant.

lazarusb · 25/09/2012 20:28

Thank you for that update J and J. I cried like a baby when I left my brother started Uni. He was a bit taken aback but we've always been close. He's my no 2 best friend.

I hope you can get some medical support to help ease your dh's pain and he starts to get colour back soon. You are still coping admirably, despite what life is throwing at you...and don't worry about being glam, I spend my life in jeans and have hair that earned me the nickname of Chewbacca ...thinking on it, my brother started that Hmm

SW Lovely to see you back, you sound brighter too. You are a lovely friend Smile

skyebluesapphire · 25/09/2012 20:35

SW - welcome back - I would willingly do sparkles, but I dont know how to do them (puts on dunce hat and sits in the corner)

Thanks for the update JandJ - I hope that your H starts to feel much better very soon and that they can sort out the pain for him

xx

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