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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've gone into complete panic mode. Verging on hibernation mode. Please help.

999 replies

JackieandJudy · 15/07/2012 15:39

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after. Sad

OP posts:
ladyWordy · 28/09/2012 20:24

Well, I knew it would be a beautiful trip :)

I have huge smile on my face and am laughing at the thought of being in such delightful company ... With animals and rainbows too! :) my favourite things.

Thank you sadwidow Thanks and a Biscuit for all the canine companions who joined us too!

skyebluesapphire · 29/09/2012 00:12

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ladyWordy · 29/09/2012 01:15

Here's hoping this weekend is better than last, J&J - even if only a little. Brew

and
¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø :¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?-:¦::¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø¸,ø¤º from here too! Wink

lazarusb · 29/09/2012 09:53

Thank you for the chocolate cake SW, I still managed to lose 2lbs this week - that's what I call a holiday! Grin

J and J - I hope things have settled a bit this week and dh is looking and feeling a little better. I hope University life is agreeing with ds too. Now I'm back I feel very positive...just not looking forward to losing my weekends to seminar prep! (And it's not like I have a social life to compromise either!).

jellibelli · 29/09/2012 21:04

JandJ still thinking of you all and hoping DH is much more comfortable by now.

Love, light and positive thoughts to you all.

Homebird8 · 29/09/2012 22:23

Ooh, I've never been congratulated for e-boat driving before. Glad I didn't bump the banks at all. Quite keen on going slow enough not to wash the banks away and protect the moorhen nests too so thanks for bearing with my sedate progress.

All this quilting is taking off in my house. DSs (9&7) spent yesterday doing hexagonal patchwork. DS1 is amazingly precise with his stitching Smile. They're making cushion covers for their beds so J&J, you've been an inspiration in yet more ways. Thanks

Hope DH is in less pain now J&J. Have they got his line sorted yet? What did they say at the various appointments this week?

ladyWordy · 30/09/2012 00:23

Wishing JandJ and her DH some peaceful sleep through the night, and ever-growing strength through the day...

foolonthehill · 30/09/2012 17:03

Sunday...day of peace and rest as much as possible I hope.

lazarusb · 30/09/2012 18:54

Izzy - I have been reading a Lord Denning judgement in a Land Law case this weekend and thought of you! Funny how this thread touches the unexpected parts of our lives.

Hope you have had a peaceful weekend J and J.

JackieandJudy · 30/09/2012 20:49

I've just had a wonderful time catching up with everyone's doings! (Well, wonderful apart from hearing about Sad's SIL and her carpet-rejecting ingratitude that is. SIL is obviously unaware of what a star Sad is). Despite being brought up by the sea,I've never been on a barge, (boats but not barges) and I would like to state here and now that my e-journey on Sad's barge, in the company of you lot, was amazing and I want to do it every day!

I don't want to make you all wring your hands in despair, but I don't want to lie to you all either, so I'm just going to give a quick update before I disappear to my bed. I'm struggling a bit. Dh doesn't seem to be making any improvement at all. Both clinic visits were unsatisfactory - very much of the "well these things take time" nature, which Dh knows, having had lots of surgery previously. But he seems to be making no progress at all - he still says it feels as if every bone in his body is broken and that to move equals pain.

More significantly as far as I am concerned, is that his usual optimism and refusal to admit defeat is missing in action. I am really worried about him. There have been no offers of psychological help, but to be honest, even if there were, I don't think he would take them. When we were at renal clinic on Friday, he spoke at some length to the consultant about just how much the line ripping out incident had affected him - not physically but psychologically. I had realised this incident had upset him, but just not quite how much. Doc was sympathetic but not much he could do I guess.

My Dm is in Florida with my SD and last week she fell. Hot on the heels of her fall (the following day I think), my SD fell and fractured his pelvis Dm had been very dependant on him physically, and now he is laid up and not allowed to weight bare for a month. They are also not allowed to fly for at least a month so cannot come home. I am so worried about them - and there is nothing much I can do. We have been able to arrange for SD to have nursing care, and the caretaker of their apartment (which they have had for over twenty years) is very kindly arranging for food deliveries for them, and keeping an eye on them so, in theory, they should be ok. But DM is worried about the future, and although SD is blustering and protesting he is fine, he is, after all, eighty.

So what with Dh, Dm, Sd and Ds1 (who is having the time of his life, but I nevertheless miss him dreadfully) I am finding myself frequently on the verge of tears. Am trying very hard not to give in because, after all, I still have three dc to be strong for, but its difficult lovely ladies. I kind of feel I am letting you all down after all your efforts to keep me afloat, and I also know that some of you have had far greater losses and sadnesses than I have yet had, so I do apologise for that. And I do appreciate all your words of wisdom, I really do, but I keep coming up against this massive wall that I don't know how to get over. I want someone else to be the strong one for a while now ...

Sorry for the self indulgent tone of this post - I think maybe I need another few days on that barge away from real life, and all will be well!

OP posts:
izzyizin · 30/09/2012 21:24

You are not letting anyone down JandJ. This is your thread; a place for you to offload all worries, fears, doubts you may have about anything that is is on your mind.

Of course the nurse's gross negligence which led to him having to have another operation so shortly after his marathon surgery has had a profoundly destabilising effect on him. I cant begin to imagine the depair he must have felt at the need for a further trip to the operating theatre and, more particularly, since his aftercare had shown itself to be inadequate to meet his need for dialysis..

It just ain't right and it ain't just good enough, JandJ. Is your dh's GP amenable to going into battle for his/her patients? If not, get back on to the useless Clinical Director and raise hell - threaten all sorts; press, tv, the works, because there is no way your dh should be left to, effectively, heal himself in mind and body without any constructive advice and help.

Apologies for the rant; it's probably not what you want to hear but, by all the saints, your dh deserves nothing less than the best possible care while he recovers from what, given the inherent risks which he was aware of before he underwent surgery, was more considerably more than a major operation in psychological as well as physical terms.

More prayers are winging your way and more gods will be despatched to a certain area of the capital. I hope your dh has a good night and wakes to find that some of his understandable depession has lifted.

As always, 'to the very good health of you and yours, JandJ'. Thanks

skyebluesapphire · 30/09/2012 22:13

totally agree with Izzy. This is your thread! I dont post much, but I read the updates, especially yours JandJ.

i am thinking of you and praying for you and I hope that your DH starts to feel a little better soon

If you want to offload, that is exactly what we are here for xx

sadwidow28 · 30/09/2012 23:00

Well, I am not in the least a violent person, but I have come very close to issuing some cyber slaps on your DH's behalf JandJ.

I have said that I will only tell you a certain story when we have saved your DH from the dismissive and neglient care of those who should know better. Whilst the nurse did not intend to harm your DH, harm was caused - both physical and psychological. The psychological harm cannot be under-estimated. You yourself are saying that you have known DH to be so debilitated and losing his great fighting spirit. However tired you are, can you muster some strength to jump up and down and get a clinical psychaitric doctor to attend your home?

I cannot urge you enough to arrest the demise of your DH at this time. 'Giving up' can be the beginning of the end..... so gird up your loins, hold onto our hands and do a great battle for DH. Demand and demand and demand once again!

Sometimes I have thought our family was 'too bereaved to cope' - stories I have shared earlier on in the thread - but God does not give you a burden that your shoulders cannot bear. Trust yourself JandJ - trust your strength and your wisdom. Fight and shout and argue when your DH can't do it. Fight for him, your children - and YOU!

Call on the favours of Dr Hero and anyone else you need.

Rage at the heavens until one of our Gods hear you!

I will do more rosaries tonight and ask the Blessed Virgin Mary (mother of all) to encompass you in her arms and keep you safe. I feel you need the comfort of a religious mother at the moment because your own mother is debilitated herself. You don't know who to worry about first because there are too many worries to juggle.

I can spin a plate for you, Izzy will spin a plate, so will Homebird, lazarub, skye, fool, jellibelli, ladywordy and everyone else on this thread. Rage and rant whenever you need to - and squeeze our hands when despair tries to take over your mind.

We are still working with the positive, because if love and care ever saved a man, your DH is well and truly saved!

Take care for now JandJ, we are here for you! Love and blessings, SW and Ringo x x

mumat39 · 30/09/2012 23:20

Hello JandJ. Sorry to hear you DH is feeling so down at the moment. And also sorry to here about your DM and SD.

I was just wondering if you could speak to Dr Hero about getting your DH some help? It is outrageous that after the way your DH has been treated that he's been sent home to just get on with it.

I was also thinking that it's really really important that you should cry and not bottle things up. Sorry if I sound preachy but I think having a cry is actually a really good way of relieving some of the pressure. It's hard when you're trying to stay strong for your family though. So remember that we're here for you and please don't think that you're letting anyone down. You've been through a lot too and we are the glittery circle of love and hope and a collective shoulder for you to cry on.

Lots of love and hugs to you all and it's good to hear that you DS is enjoying uni. xxx

sadwidow28 · 30/09/2012 23:34

......and here is mumat39 with her waterproof shoulders again!!!! What a star!

JandJ, lean on those of us who are here on your thread.

mumat39 · 30/09/2012 23:59

Hello SW and of course Ringo.

I somehow cross posted with you, 20 minutes apart, Confusedso apologies for repeating some of what you said.

I somehow missed the barge trip but it sounds like it was a wonderful break. I hope to make it next time. I'm a bit afraid of water, but feel reassured that Ringo will be keeping an eye on me.

I hope you're feeling we'll and that you've had a lovely weekend.

Lots of love to you and Ringo. xxx

izzyizin · 01/10/2012 01:34

The British Heart Foundation have a Heart Helpline on 0300 330 3311 and they should be able to answer any queries your dh has about his ongoing pain and its cause - which is, of course, the invasive nature of the surgery he underwent and the extent to which his sternum and ribs in particular had to be brutally misplaced to gain access to his heart.

Having broken a couple of ribs in the past, I know the feeling of every movement being painful; every cough or deep breath feeling as if it would cause my ribcage to come apart or cave in. Lying down was a no-go area and only sitting in a semi-reclining position and keeping perfectly still afforded any relief until weeks later, seemingly miraculously, the pain disappeared virtually overnight.

Obviously, a couple of broken ribs can't be compared to the punishment your dh's body has sustained and it will take some time for his sternum to fuse back together - at the moment it's held together by wires which may account for the 'pulling' sensation you've said he experiences.

Has he been seen, or is he being visited, by Imperial's Cardio Rehab Team? What pain relief has been prescribed for him and are district or other nurses cleaning/checking his scars on a regular basis and generally monitoring his progress on a regular basis?

I have no doubt that the nurse who caused your dh to need an additional operation to insert a line did so accidentally, but nevertheless it was an act of incompetence at best and negligence at worst and your dh must have felt utterly despairing at the prospect of yet another op so soon after his ordeal.

God knows what it took him to get through those weeks of girding himself to undergo life threatening surgery only to be told on 2 occasions 'the op's off' and then to have to put himself in the hands of a cardiac team that the Clinical Director described as incompetent.

Your dh is a man of rare courage but to be bought so low by an inattentive nurse as to get himself home just a few days after major surgery which, not so long ago, would have seen him in hospital for 3 months and a lengthy stay in a convalescent home, is indicative of the sense of utter despair and hopelessness he was feeling - that must have been the absolute last straw for him, as it would have been for so many.

It's probable that the sense of confusion you reported here when he came round from that totally avoidable op has also played a part in depressing his customary optimism, as that must have been yet another frightening experience as he came to the realisation that part of his memory had vanished, albeit temporarily - given everything he's been through, that alone may have served to have tip him into an altered state, as it were and the anesthetics that he was given are known to have a depressing effect which can last for some weeks/months.

On the plus side, your dh survived a 10-12 hour op which appears to have had a successful outcome, he's out of the hellhole of hospital, he has been safely restored to his home without having acquired any of the infections that are rampant in many NHS wards, and he is presumably having full dialysis in the secure environment of his home.

If he's not getting any other nursing care, raise merry hell. Get Imperial's Cardio Rehab Team off their arses round to monitor him and give him the reassurance he needs that it will get better and that, as it gets better, he will get better.

There are ways of delivering 'positive psychological input' without him having to unburden himself of a shrink's couch. Bring autumn into the house and place a few fresh flowers beside him, a couple of acorns and conkers, some amazing leaves. Play Mozart (well known for stimulating the feelgood factor), buy/beg/steal/borrow a daylight therapy (SAD) light box, and do what you're no doubt an expert at doing - being gentle with him while not babying him.

There's a long road ahead, JandJ, but you're out of the tunnel. Apart from sparkles and cocktails and delectabe foodstuffs, we've got a limitless supply of tissues and, if you don't mind some of us sobbing alongside you getting the occasional bit of wadding from the quilt in our eyes, we'll continue to hold hands and keep your circle unbroken. Whinge, rail, moan, rage and quietly, or loudly, despair all you want, honey. That's why we've gathered here and we'll be your steadfast fan club companions throughout.

Btw, any rumours of me flying high in a tincan the other day are entirely false. I was of course sitting at the rear of a certain narrowboat, watching the ripples left in its wake, and encouraging Ringo and his springer pal to chase rabbits and rub noses with any equines that happened to be passing - thanks to sw it was a thoroughly memorable day.

ladyWordy · 01/10/2012 01:52

I will gladly spin a plate for you, dear JandJ and DH, and family.

Do think of seeking support for yourself, won't you JandJ: it's OK to ask for help sometimes, even if it's only to cry at the GP. I feel strongly that you need some more emotional support there and some practical help as well. So if anyone's offered, please call on them.

I know you said earlier in the thread that you'd rather be the helper than the helpee :) and many of us will recognise and sympathise with that ? but think of it as helping your friends feel needed, if that enables you to take a step towards asking.:)

In the meantime I am wishing you strength, for whatever your day brings.

foolonthehill · 01/10/2012 12:00

Plate spinning...my speciality. Happy to help.....

Being of the white-coated, sciency minded evidenced based side of medicine this may come as a slightly surprising suggestion...but as well as considering psychological help (which DH may or may not want as you mentioned) would he contemplate any aromatherapy/reflexology treatments to relieve pain, stress and tension?? It can be remarkably helpful especially if sleeping it tricky due to pain.

The practitioners need to be familiar with working with ill/injured people and (don't shoot me) the best place to find them is at your local hospice. They are usually independent practitioners and have private practices, will come to your home and will be competent and positive, used to working around injuries, surgery and lines.

If funding is an issue the BHF have been known to give grants (don't know about renal).

You could also ask to tap into the local pain team's expertise (they may be at the hospital and/or at the hospice)..regular pain relief that is not renally excreted is not impossible to find and even a single shot a day that is active for longer due to renal impairment can be used...................

runs off having outed myself much more than intended......

And for you, be kind to yourself. Before you sleep place your loved ones in the loving hands of someone you trust...mentally, let go and know that you will always be there for them and will pick the burden back up in the morning

still praying

lazarusb · 01/10/2012 12:08

J and J - Please don't ever apologise for anything you say on this thread. This is your comfort blanket and we are all here, just for you. So vent your anger, frustration, sadness any time you like. Yes, we've all had our battles in the past but we've come through them, you are still fighting yours and we are in line behind you, swords and shields at the ready. Please let yourself cry too. You are probably like a wound spring and that isn't good for you or your dcs. 'Coping' is a state of mind but you can't do it on your own.

Please ring the number Izzy gave above and talk to your GP & Dr Hero. You and your dh need support, practical and physical, not dismissals and comments like 'it takes time'...everything takes time! But living in constant pain is not acceptable and cruel. I'm sorry the situation in Florida has added to your worries but try to look on it from the point of view that your DM and SD are not alone and have someone keeping an eye on them.

...and if all else fails, worry yourself silly about what ds is getting up to at University! Grin

sadwidow28 · 01/10/2012 16:20

Checking in on you again JandJ. Sometimes we feel so helpless, but if our words and stories can bring you any comfort, it is such a small thing that we each can do every day.

Please read Izzy's post again and ask for help in any shape or form. Sometimes (a very few occasions) I had to over-ride DH's decision because he wasn't making rational sense. He thanked me afterwards when he was made to feel more comfortable and his brain wasn't simply processing pain. You have to stay the strong TEAM that you and DH have always have been JandJ and sometimes, one person does take a decision that is for the greater good. We use powers of persuasion and intellectual rationale usually, but you are handling a very unusual situation where you may have to make some unusual and important decisions for the total well-being of your whole family.

It's hard to explain - but don't think that every request for help has to be approved and agreed by DH. Any request for additional support will be made with love, care and compassion and not disrespect. Ask for help for YOU - I didn't. I was the strong, intelligent, formidable, capable female who could climb any mountain I faced! But I wasn't really intelligent JandJ because I didn't accept or find help that I needed during the weeks I was the sole carer. I didn't eat properly (I lived off bottles of Lucozade), I didn't sleep because my DH needed turning every 2 hours and oxygen cylindars had to be changed as they ran out. Learn from my mistakes JandJ - ask for the help that is out there and accept it! Find the experts that can help your DH to be more comfortable and recover fully.

I will keep my plate spinning...... don't worry, I won't drop that one!

I add some glittery sparkles to our circle of love:

¤º°°º¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø :¦:?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::-?:''''':?-:¦::?:''''':?-:¦::¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤øº¤ø,¸¸,ø¤º°°º¤ø

Rant and rage at us all you need to sweetie. We are here for you no matter what.

sadwidow28 · 01/10/2012 16:25

......aromatherapy/reflexology treatments to relieve pain, stress and tension?? It can be remarkably helpful especially if sleeping it tricky due to pain.

I meant to comment on this ..... I did get someone in who did aromatherapy and reflexology on DH. I made sure I had someone who understood his condition and wouldn't break a cancerous bone - but DH described it as 'bliss'.

ladyWordy · 02/10/2012 00:39

A quiet hello,and good wishes from MN night shift. And a Brew if you're still awake and hoping to get some sleep soon...

foolonthehill · 02/10/2012 10:20

Good morning JandJ
Treat yourself well today as well as those you love

foolonthehill · 02/10/2012 20:10

Won't fall off the front page...not yet....night all

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