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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I've gone into complete panic mode. Verging on hibernation mode. Please help.

999 replies

JackieandJudy · 15/07/2012 15:39

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after. Sad

OP posts:
TheLastRavenhope · 05/09/2012 21:59

Hi J&J, I've been lurking on this thread and I have to say, I'm amazed at both yours and your DH's courage in such difficult circumstances. I'm going back to lurking again now but I'll light a candle for you both xx

tallwivglasses · 05/09/2012 22:04

Thinking of you Jackie Thanks

skyebluesapphire · 05/09/2012 22:12

Thinking of you.

ThisWeekonFancyPuffin · 05/09/2012 22:15

Oh lovely. I remain in awe of your strength and that of your dh. I'm glad that they are taking good care of him. Please look after yourself too.

((((((Vitual hug))))))

We are all here for you.

dondon33 · 05/09/2012 23:14

Thank you for the update JandJ, I know you must feel pulled in every direction at the moment so really appreciate your precious time.
I'm willing your DH extra strength and positive thoughts in his recovery.
Your such a strong brave lady but don't forget to take care of yourself too, big hugs, much love and best wishes xxxx

ladyWordy · 06/09/2012 02:01

Thinking of you and your family during these long days and nights...

izzyizin · 06/09/2012 05:01

It's my fervent hope that the thoughts and prayers which surround you and your dh, together with his sheer grit and determination will prevail, JandJ.

Please don't feel that you 'have' to update - we're not going anywhere and we'll be here for as long as you need us.

Homebird8 · 06/09/2012 07:13

Exactly as everyone is saying. We will be here for you if you need us. I am so honoured that you made time to talk with us here. The other things in your life are so much more pressing.

I was heartened by your description of Dr Diss. It just highlights that people can always surprise you. He may be no good at explicit comfort but his honesty about the difficulty of the operation and the ongoing situation sounds like just what you need at the moment. There is no point in hiding from the tough time your DH is going through. All we can do is watch and wait and praise the skill of the IC team who respond to DH's every need however precarious things seem.

We pray for you all from all over the world, and send the skills you need in a parcel wrapped with love to get you through. I don't know about a knot in the end of the rope, I'm wanting to turn the whole construction into a hammock to support and strengthen you with a little rest.

Thinking about DS going off to uni. You know, he's a grownup now, and can make his own decisions. I know you want him to start this autumn, especially as DH has had to postpone his study, but maybe it's not the right time for him. DS will have your support when he goes off to do his course even if he defers and may do better if he's not got his heart and half his mind at home with you all. I know I'm meddling but I think with the upbringing he's had he will make a good decision on this and you can trust him to do it against the background of your and DH's hopes for him, and the strength he will need to make the most of it. I Blush to say it but you do have a lot on your plate and he needs to be comfortable with his decision. (By all means influence and sway his thinking. You are his DM after all. But let him make the final call)

If you can forgive me for that imposition, please accept my best strengthening wishes for use as necessary over the next few days. Thanks

ForeverAutumnNow · 06/09/2012 08:54

Still here J, holding your hand, and sharing your fear and tears, but with much hope in my heart for you......."The soul would have no rainbow, had the eyes no tears" - John Vance Cheney

springydaffs · 06/09/2012 09:36

thinking of you all as you plough through these difficult days. HOw heartening about Dr Dis eh? life can be full of lovely surprises.

re DS - if he's anything like me, studying can be a solace when life events are challenging; a way to escape, really, and immerse myself in gorgeous learning. Plus all that making friends thing he'll be doing; the excitement of that. It could be good for him. Is his uni a long way off?

lazarusb · 06/09/2012 12:58

Nice to hear from you J and J, but please don't feel you have to update all the time, we will still be here and you're right, your dcs come before us!

Glad to hear that former Dr Dis has turned out to be a good guy after all and is in it with you. He will ensure your dh gets the best of care I'm sure.

Have you informed your dcs' school of the current situation? They can offer them support in school and be aware of any changes in behaviour which might arise. If you can't get in to do it, ask a friend to do it on your behalf. Good to know that your friends are rallying round, they are invaluable at a time like this.

Take care, keep up your fluid intake and keep a lip balm handy - hospitals dry me out no end! Thinking of you all.

izzyizin · 06/09/2012 18:33

Here's more thoughts and prayers to sustain you, JandJ.

ladyWordy · 07/09/2012 01:13

A gentle hello from the night shift. Wishing you well dear JandJ.

tallwivglasses · 07/09/2012 02:11

Another one here. Sending positive vibes x

izzyizin · 07/09/2012 04:35

Dear friends of my dps have embarked on the trans-Siberian 'Rossiya' train that hugs the tracks from Moscow to Vladivostock.

Their trip, which is part of an around the world west to east (they stopped off at my home in London en route - my moggies gave them a warm welcome in my absence Smile) voyage, is by way of a late retirement present to themselves that came about after she watched Reds Grin has been long in the making and yearning.

You'd adore this couple and they'd adore you and your dh. They are erudite free thinkers, gregarious and outgoing with the ability to infect any gathering with humour and feelgood factor without causing any offence to sensitive or more reserved souls.

In common with yourself and your dh, they inspire loyalty in their legions of pals around the globe - they're well-travelled in the US and in numerous other parts of the world.

Anyhow, as per usual, I digress as the reason I'm telling you this tale is that they have synchonised watches and, regardless of whatever local time they find themselves in, at 1pm UK time they will raise two glasses of vodka or alternative regional tipple, to 'the good heath of you and yours JandJ' and I know that by the time they reach their destination, after numerous planned stopovers along the way, those 2 glasses will have multiplied to hundreds, if not thousands, that will be saluting you and your dh daily.

As always, you are in my thoughts and prayers and it seems to me that so many of us are with you and your dh in spirit that it's starting to get mighty crowded in his ICU.

swooosh · 07/09/2012 05:38

Still thinking of you xx

fluffyanimal · 07/09/2012 10:06

Thinking of you and your family JandJ xx

lazarusb · 07/09/2012 14:21

Just popping in to say hello. Have been using my 'alone' days to read some law books before returning to Uni. (Should have read them in July!). Anyway, I look forward to picking your dh's legal brain when he is feeling better. Hope things are settling down a bit for you. As Izzy says, standing room only in the ICU now.

MerlotforOne · 07/09/2012 14:55

More positive thoughts heading your way...

sadwidow28 · 07/09/2012 17:00

Hello Jand J - and all the ladies on this thread. I am home again! Did I tell you that I was visiting my mother in the NE for her 88th birthday on 2nd September? As she hates my canine companion I usually have to book into a local B&B but, on this occasion I found a lovely cottage about half an hour away from her and the family. I stayed there from 31st August until today. It meant that I could attend her birthday 'do' and then take her out on little trips and excursions when she felt up to it.

I told the family about your DH JandJ and I asked for their prayers to see him safely through the operation. We are all good at praying! We have had to do enough of it over the years. I found a lovely local church near the cottage and went to midday mass on the 3rd September in the hope that if I 'put myself out' a bit, then my fervant prayers for your DH during surgery would be especially heard.

I couldn't get internet connection on my phone at the cottage so I have felt so out of the loop - but you have not been out of my thoughts! I have prayed on beaches, on the top of hills, in the middle of meadow fields.... anywhere I felt inspired to send up a prayer as I walked the dog.

I arrived home half an hour ago, dragged everything out of the car and found my netbook so that I could log in and get the update. Honestly, it is the first thing I did on arriving home. So having read your update, I think I had better call on more help. Your DH is such a fighter that I feel I must bombard heaven with pleas for his safe recovery. I'll stop for a minute and make a certain phone call........

Okay, I have done it. I have contacted the SMA Fathers in Manchester and arranged for ONE MONTH of Healing Masses to be said for your DH and you. That is a mass every day for 30 days (starting tomorrow). I have had to register it in your mumsnet ID but I have explained the circumstances and the precariousness of your DHs recovery so the masses will reach heaven and all the angels and saints will know who they are to watch over with love and care, and they will also know to wrap you in a warm blanket of comfort to keep you strong.

Leaky eyes are okay JandJ - I had them when my DH was diagnosed as terminal. But you will find your inner strength again in time. That is what strong, stoic females do. As Izzy said up thread, get accomplished in understanding DH's medication; learn what the monitors tell you; challenge anyone who does not maintain the highest standards of hygiene when they attend to your DH. Do not, I repeat, DO NOT hesitate to jump up and down if something is not to your satisfaction, or if you have any concerns about your DH's well-being or care. You have to be the voice for your DH as he fights to recover.

Squeeze our hands as hard as you like if you ever feel troubled. We'll keep up our 24 hour watch for you again. This thread will be here on page one when you need to find us.

Take care, and know that you are loved and cared for by some very dear cyber friends.

lazarusb · 07/09/2012 17:15

sadwidow Nice to see you back, I was wondering where you were this morning! Glad you had a nice time. It's amazing how often I find myself thinking about this thread!

izzyizin · 08/09/2012 01:14

So pleased you're back after what sounds to be most relaxing break, sw - we've missed you.

I no longer ascribe to any man-made religion, JandJ, but I often have a word with the saints and I will beg Juliana Falconieri, patron saint of chronic illness, Bernadette Soubirous of Lourdes, and Juan de Dios, founder of the Order of the Hospitaliers of St John of God, to bring their gifts of healing to your dh and ensure that the archangel Raphael is ever present at his bedside.

I will also ask that you are blessed with the third cardinal virtue of fortitude to strengthen your already inspiring courage in the face of adversity.

We're about to go dine at the local country club - not quite as grand as it may sound as all residents of our town are members - and at 11pm US eastern time we will raise our glasses to you and yours in the hope that our thoughts will bring you light and comfort in those dark hours before dawn in the UK.

ladyWordy · 08/09/2012 01:31

Some lovely posts here. Sending peaceful night-time thoughts for you and yours.

skyebluesapphire · 08/09/2012 07:45

Jandj - still thinking of you

Sadwidow - nice to see you back

Homebird8 · 08/09/2012 09:31

Hi JandJ and all you lovely ladies. We promised we'd be here, and here we are. Just popping in (which I do more regularly than I let on) to send you what DS2 calls a 'Scrummy kiss' made of love and comfort and softness - there's always a recipe (like Izzy's Pa's cocktails). Hope it heals you a little and when you pass it on to DH, heals him a lot. Sending you a Scrummy!