I've gone into complete panic mode. Verging on hibernation mode. Please help.

[JackieandJudy]

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after.

Oh JandJ, don't worry about being a bit leaky. I'm sure everyone at the hospital is well used to it and they are not your responsibility. You are making yourself stronger for the future by expressing your feelings and not bottling them up so cry if you need to. It's a great role model for your children and how you will support each other through this.

Looks like the night shift has got a bit bigger so I'm sure if you really can't sleep there'll be your lovely ladies here to hold your hand. Try to get a bit of rest though. The hospital will call if they need to and you can trust them in that.

Did the other shoe turn up? I hope so. Perhaps the e-cat I sent threw up in it and knocked it under the sofa. I think a prize for the DC who finds it is in order.

I'm purposely not talking about the future. It's the now that matters and you are managing that admirably as always. DH came through the op and low blood pressure after heart ops is really common. Try not to dwell on the medical details that you can't change. Concentrate on the resilience of your DH to get stronger, the expertise of the hospital staff, and the love everyone around you to carry you through.

Rest on a cushion of calm and take your steps slowly. If you reach it, the knot is there at the end of the rope.

Thinking of you. Hope you manage to rest a little. Oh, and keep re-reading Homebird8's post because it is lovely and so much more eloquent that anything I could ever think of.

Especially the bit about the cat vomit in the shoe eh anonacfr

God bless JandJ. I hope today brings brighter, more reassuring news.xx

Hope you had a few hour sleep J&J and that you have some better news this morning x

Hand holding and a few MN hugs being sent your way

Morning JandJ. I hope you got some rest and the news about DH is positive.

One hour at a time is plenty good enough for all of you at the moment and nobody could expect you to do all the everyday things at the same time. Is there anyone who can help you with must do things?

If DS's shoe is still invisible, is there someone who could take him to get more? I'm sure anyone would be pleased to help. In the circumstances, send him in trainers, or wellies or flip flops. I'm sure school can live with that for a few days and with the promise of a prize perhaps the DCs will find the offending article.

Try not to dwell on the words of the surgeons and doctors yesterday. They love to be amazed at how well people can do and your DH sounds as if he would love to beat them at their own game. They are obviously very pleased with him given the difficulty of the operation and the extent of his needs, and IC staff live and work with complex needs every day and are experts at it.

All you have to do is love him (easy peasy thinks you) and whatever else is going on, that is enough.

I doubt this is appropriate but a line from a hymn we had at our wedding keeps coming to mind "I will hold the Christ light for you, in the night-time of your fear; I will hold my hand out to you, speak the peace you long to hear."

Delurking to send love and strength to you all.

Dropping in to send you all strength, positive thoughts and my very best wishes in DH's recovery.
Take care of yourself JandJ xxx

The first thing I must do is applaud your courage my darling. I truly believe that this comes from knowing deep, deep love, and you and your family certainly excel there.

Then I want to say that your understanding of, and feelings for others - ie, Dr Dismissive - is a beautiful trait, and indicative of a very caring human being.

Continue to shed your tears, you have more than earned the right, and they will soothe a little of the wrenching pain you are suffering.

I am still holding onto you tightly, and won`t let go until you tell me to........Much love.

I cant think of anything better than what ForeverAutumn has put above. I second it.

You are one of the bravest people I have ever met. My counsellor told me that crying is good for you, its the release valve that stops you bottling everything up and it makes you feel better.

((hugs)) for you

It wouldn't have been normal not to cry. Never be embarrassed about tears, they can be just as precious as smiles.

I'm glad your dh came through the op and that you were able to see him before you went home to excavate the porch. I hope the errant shoe turned up! Realised this afternoon (after coming back from town) that ds has just grown out of his plimsolls so back we go tomorrow...

I hope today has brought news that your dh has come round and is progressing well. You are one strong lady and are coping brilliantly. Hope your RL support is also clustered around you.

Have been thinking of you and your dh today JandJ

Also thinking of you both, sending love.

Just adding my best wishes to you and your dh today, JandJ.

A quick bump back up to the top of the page...

A quiet hello and whispered good wishes from MN night shift. Difficult times...

Another little squeeze coming from me here JandJ and, if you've finished ladyWordy's cuppa, I'll pop the kettle back on. Don't forget to breathe out as well as in. A big sigh is very calming. Thoughts, as always, with you and yours.

Just read this whole thread, must say how brave you've all been and what wonderful words of wisdom you've been given. Thinking if you J&J x

Thinking of you JandJ. More positive thoughts heading in the direction of ITU and your DH.

Hope all is well JandJ. Thinking of you and your DH.

Sending you the special sort of cuppa my DS2 make. He stirs the love in right at the end.

Thinking of you and yours J and J. Hope you are hanging on in there and dh is beginning to recover. Hopefully the return to school went well for your ds too.

Just read through the thread and wanted to say how much I admire your courage and devotion JandJ. Will be sending positive thoughts to your DH tonight and wishing him well.

Oh lovely ladies, your words are so comforting.

Dh not doing well. I've spent most of the last two days/nights up at hospital. Even when I can't be with him, it's too far away to come home so dc have been abandoned to the kind ministrations of friends. It's been a crap start to the new school year for the three younger ones, and ds3 is talking about deferring his place at uni, which in no circumstances do I want him to do, and neither would dh.

Twice they've brought him back from the brink, and despite the state he's in, all the docs are amazed at his fighting spirit. I've done a complete turnabout re Dr Dismissive - he has become my hero. He checks in whenever he can. He told me on Monday that it was the most difficult op of his career, and today he said that he likes to think of himself as a modest man but would have to admit to success in his career with some hard situations , yet dh has been the hardest. I googled him a couple of days ago and was amazed to see he's actually pretty eminent. I think he's just not good with people and much more comfortable with his scalpel. And over the last few days I feel we have actually become friends of a sort. His presence brings me comfort (even if he does seem nearly as worried as me!). All the staff have been brilliant.

I cant type more now, haven't been home for a while and want to spend bit of time with dc before bed but please know I have read, and taken to heart, each and every post from you all. x

J&J thanks for your update.
sorry your DH isn't doing too well but l have been in the exact same situation with my DF several years ago. he was pulled bank from the brink so many times that we felt that he wouldn't make it. But we underestimate the human spirit and resilance and he did recover with more than a little help from the wonderul cardiac surgeons.
you will be getting pulled in all directions with your DH and your DC's but please do not forget to look after yourself.
I am glad you have found an ally in Dr not so Dismissive, sometimes great surgeons/Dr's have very poor people skills but really who cares as long as they do the job well.
Will be saying a prayer for you and your family tonight J&J,