Am too wired too sleep - can you believe Im sorting out the porch?
Thanks be to God and the goodwill of MN, DH has made it through the op at least. Mixed news really though - he was in theatre for 11 hours and the surgeon I saw didnt sound too confident. He said it was the hardest operation he had ever done, and all we could do was hope for the best, and that he had done his best. He said that he couldn't give me any assurances but at least dh had been opened up and put back together and survived thus far.
This surgeon is the aforementioned Dr Dismissive, and I have to say, I felt a bit sorry for him. Dealing with crying spouses is obviously not his thing - he was unlucky in that, just as 12 hours had passed since they took dh down, I was feeling increasingly edgy and happened to leave the waiting room I spent all day in - and almost crashed into him. I think he saw me crying and probably wanted to join in. (You know when you don't actually want to cry, but tears are just pouring out of your eyes? That's the sort of crying I was doing, not sobbing and heaving). I never saw a person with such red eyes (his, not mine) - they were the colour of tomato sauce and the poor man looked wiped out. There were meant to be two surgeons, but from what I could gather, surgeon number 2 just looked in and said "yup, that looks ok" (or words to that effect). So Dr Dis was running the show down at the business end.
About ten minutes after he left, dh's renal consultant appeared - his main one who he usually sees in the general course of things. He told me that he was just relieved that dh had survived the operation which, written down like that, sounds quite harsh. But this man has known us for about ten years now, and I really feel he genuinely respects dh and was honestly relieved. He gave me a massive hug (which set me off again) which he's never done before, but then told me the bad news.
Which is that dh's heart was in much worse condition than they had thought and that the repairs may only be of a temporary nature. I couldn't think of anything to say to that really, no point asking for promises nobody can make. We went in to the ITU - dh was still on a ventilator so no point me staying long and getting in the way, I just stayed long enough to stroke his hair and tell him I loved him. As I left, the staff were worried that his blood wasn't clotting well and also that his blood pressure was low, but they have promised to ring me at any time of the night if needs be.
There were two anaesthetists checking him over and before I left I thanked them. One of them said that dh was a pleasure to look after, and that set me off again - I so don't want to be one of those stupid women who weep and wail everywhere, but I couldn't help myself. I want to be mature and restrained but its not happening. All I can say in my favour is that at least I cry quietly (I gave birth to all four dc quietly now I come to think of it too - what does this say about me I wonder?!)
So classic displacement activity - clean the porch of course. I began sorting it out because when I got home I had a passing notion that I should do something about getting ready for ds3's return to school on Wednesday. A cursory look for his school shoes revealed only one of the buggers, despite me being almost certain I put them in one of the shoe crates we have in there. I've now turned the place upside down and, as is the way of things, something which is really a minor irritant, is assuming huge proportions in my mind. If I can't find the other shoe I'll have to go and buy another pair tomorrow, and I don't want to go and buy another pair, I don't have time, money or inclination.
And talking of things assuming huge proportions - please excuse the ridiculous length of this post. I only meant to give a brief summary but I seem to have spewed words out at a rate of knots. Heartfelt thanks to all of you for bringing me and mine this far. x