I've gone into complete panic mode. Verging on hibernation mode. Please help.

[JackieandJudy]

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after.

JandJ, I haven't had a PM since Wed 22-Aug-12 22:09:25

I reponded to that and gave you my phone number (with enough details for you to check me out).

Anyway, my offer to speak to the University/Bar Association on behalf of your DH still stands. I may not get anywhere - but I think it is worth a shot! I need more information about the placement and the attendance requirements. I can then look into the 'exceptional circumstances' criteria.

3-4 weeks at the start of a course is usually manageable. However, there will be a waiting list for your DH's course and it is sometimes more easily practicable for them to defer one and accept another.

PM me again if you want to.

In the meantime, I hope you are all bearing up well and enjoying the bank holiday.

SW x

Hi all, up late tonight as I can't sleep, very unlike me - sleeping is the only thing I'm any good at! Sad - I'm really sorry, but I haven't received a pm from you? Just had another look, but nowt there!

Well, not much to report other than the five days of Iv/Ig stuff can now apparently be done over two days so dh will be admitted on Tuesday until Thursday this coming week, ready for the op (dare we believe it?) on 3rd. Also, after having been told that he would be admitted to a renal ward prior to the op, he received a phone call yesterday from an admissions lady telling him to present himself at the cardiac ward on the 2nd.

He has sorted it now and will definitely be admitted to the renal ward, but it just goes to show that the communication between departments is still not as it should be. I emailed our mp few days ago, and received a reply yesterday to say that mp's secretary is away until 3rd, but she will contact me then.

Have been trying to get ds1 to begin sorting himself out, prior to going away in September, but have to admit to being very half hearted about it! I don't wan't him to leave us! Well, I do because that's how it should be, but I prophecy that, one way and another, September is going to be an emotional month in our household. Making lunch tomorrow for some friends so I'm off to hit the cocoa now in an attempt to get some sleep! Nothing like living dangerously!

Hope you're all having good weekends, and for those of us due one - happy bank holiday.

Hope you've got some sleep JandJ. I'm glad that DH's pre op. stuff can be condensed into fewer days as it's nobody's idea of fun hanging round in hospitals. He sounds like an amazing man and with the promise of the renal ward rather than cardiac he will get the treatment he needs appropriate to him as a whole person. His strength in keeping checking all the arrangements is astounding and if he can't get the agreement he needs from the hospital I'm sure the clinical director won't object to further calls at any time of the day or night

Thank you for sending your best to my friend's mum. I'd never seen a 6'7" man fall to his knees in the office before and cry but that's what happened when he heard his DM had come safely through surgery. It just goes to show that you just respond as the moment takes you and whatever and wherever, it's all ok.

Not surprising that you have mixed feelings about DS going off in September. I prophesy a wonderful weekend when he makes a trip home and DH is celebrating coming home from hospital. Maybe a celebratory cocktail or two will be shaken, not stirred!

In the meantime, a comforting and sleep provoking cocoa is just the ticket so here's a to put it in! Night night!

I'm sorry to hear you haven't been sleeping JandJ and hope it gets back on track soon.

Just a little note to say that I worked in an admin capacity at a hospital for a while and the security/confidentiality policies are at the root of the absurdly bad comms between depts. At least he's firmly under the renal umbrella now under the beady eye of the big boys.

HOpe you managed to get some sleep xx

Do you need any of us with banners outside the hospital making sure they operate on your dh this time?! It's disgusting that even now it's been left up to your dh to sort out which ward he's being admitted to. However, I'm pleased that he only has to be in for 2 days rather than 5 prior to his op.

Is your ds going far from home? I remember crying like a baby when my brother went to Uni ...and he brought me his washing home every weekend! It is hard (even as a pseudo parent) but the best thing they will ever do. He'll be having a whale of a time and you'll be worrying about whether he's eating or not!

I hope you had a bolstering lunch with your friends today and had a day to remember, leaving you pleasantly tired for a sound nights sleep tonight.

Best wishes to you all, of course

Just popping by to wave and give a twinkle of encouragement. Hope you've had a good night's sleep and have a few good plans for today. Don't forget DS will need his very own working can opener!

Hi J and J. Hope you are ok and have something nice going on today. I spent 5 hours making desserts yesterday for my mum's annual barbecue with my OA playing up which made getting things in and out of the oven a bit tricky. However, dh took the dcs out and spent the afternoon with the in-laws so at least I avoided that I feel better today though so am now hoping the weather stays dry and I can enjoy eating!

Can your ds cook? Even basic things will give him a huge advantage at Uni and if he can budget and shop sensibly, that will be invaluable. Additionally, if he is familiar with a range of household cleaning products and can change a toilet roll he will be very popular indeed!

Another one just popping by. I never know what to add when people are giving you such great support and encouragement, but I'm sure there are others like me, mainly lurking but willing for things to get better for you and your family x

I hope you are getting a good night's sleep tonight before DH's admission tomorrow, but suspect you might have a disturbed night.

Our very best wishes to DH tomorrow and hope the Clincal Director is watching very closely.

Evening all, or more accurately, morning all. So comforting to see you all hanging on in here, advising and supporting, we do appreciate it.

Hope your bank holiday weekends have been relaxing (sorry *Homebird - are you due one any time soon?). Had a lovely day yesterday, but not done a great deal today (other than watch cry at Sense and Sensibility). I'm not having trouble sleeping tonight as such but I got up about half an hour ago to go to the loo and saw the world's hugest spider. I'm now scared to close my eyes in case it comes for me.

Lazarus - so sorry to hear you have OA, that must be painful and I can well imagine five hours of cooking didn't help. Hope you at least got a chance to sample some of your desserts? Ds is going quite far - about three hours away. He's not too bad in the kitchen (at cooking that is, the cleaning-up-after-yourself lessons don't seem to have sunk in) - it's his birthday in September so I'll be sure to buy him his very own tin opener!

I'm having a bit of a debate with myself as to whether I should persist in arranging a meeting with our MP, or even write a letter to the Trust. I kind of feel that, now that the Clinical Director has waded in on our behalf, there's nothing to be gained by taking this any further. On the other hand, we only have his word for it that he did wade in, and if I see our MP could that potentially be beneficial to others in future? Should I wait and see what happens on the 3rd? I'm not thinking very clearly just now - what would you all do? Have spoken to a few RL friends, and consensus is to go ahead and write.

Will try and be brave now and banish all further thoughts of massive man-eating plate-sized spiders from my mind and attempt to sleep - I may be back!

Hi JandJ I've sent the spirit of our cat to sort out your spider. She has a nasty habit of pinning them down by one leg and flicking them across the room. Then she follows, picks another leg and does it all again. Horrible I know but good to imagine to chase away the bogey spider-man! Hope you slept well after your nocturnal posting.

In answer to the bank holiday thing. We get more than our fair share in NZ at the beginning of the year but between the Queen's Birthday in June and Labour Day in October there's nothing. All those years living in the UK and I didn't even know when the Queen's birthday was. Now I look forward to it!

I've been thinking about your DS. When I went to uni my DM was in and out of surgery in connection with her, then ongoing, cancer progression. Communication seemed to be the key and I am so pleased for your DS that these days there are mobile phones and email and Facebook and any number of ways of keeping in touch. I'm not as old as the hills but my halls of residence didn't even have a working pay phone and I still have the bundle of letters which DM wrote me over those years. Three hours isn't an impossible distance and it'll make visits home so much more pleasurable when they happen. I know you're taking a lot of deep breaths at the moment but the ones over DS will be the wind beneath his wings.

When you're thinking about how to proceed with the complaint then might you think about using it to encourage the good behaviour as well as raise the bad? If you tell your catalogue of disasters but then tell the things that worked in part to put things right then it might actually make a difference for the future and encourage them to work well for your DH now and in any future brushes with the system. It would allow you to name and shame, but also to recognise those who have opened doors and sorted things. Just a thought. You can ignore me if it's bonkers and send me back off to sip another cocktail.

Hi J and J. The back eased up after a while and I got some positive responses on some new recipes. Didn't get to try any as they were eaten very quickly! Maybe suggest to your ds that young ladies like a man who can clean a kitchen?!

I would still write a letter but do it when you are ready, no need to rush! I hope things are going well today. (This could turn out to be one of those threads I read with only eye open otherwise!).

Thinking of you all.

yeurk re the spider. Read Charlotte's Web, that helps to 'humanise' them!

I'd carry on with the complaint iiwy. You may pick it up and put it down in the coming weeks but at least launch it iyswim - get it out there, get it started. You'll certainly get support if not specific wording from izzy and co along the way on here.

You're sounding calm, giant spider notwithstanding . HOw are you feeling, or are you putting on a brave front? xx

Thinking of you and DH with the prep days in hospital this week. At least being in now will mean that they are alerted to everything needing to be in place for the 3rd you'd have thought. Take care and know that I'm praying for you.

Still hanging around here for you J and J. Hope things have gone well this week and your dh is ok. Take care of yourselves.

Still thinking of you all and hope the last few days have gone well at the hospital. Enjoy having DH home tonight. Best wishes to you all of course.

Hello again. Just popping in for my Thursday visit. Hoping very much that things have progressed smoothly this week.

Well, it's out Friday so it must be nearly yours JandJ. Sending you love for the weekend and courage for the 3rd.

Our Friday (out too for DH?)

Evening all, Thursday already (well, Friday for Homebird). I have that sinking feeling that I always get towards the end of the summer holidays! It hasn't been the best break for us this year, but I still don't want it to be over!

Still not convinced the hospital have a complete handle on things. Instead of being admitted from Tuesday to Thursday, dh has been having to stay over-night every night whilst he has this stuff they've now decided he needs. He'll have to keep doing this right up until Sunday night. It actually works out fine because he can be at home resting all day, it's just the continual chopping and changing of plans that worries me a bit.

Thank you Homebird for sending your cat on over - he must have done the job because I haven't seen the monster since (although I'm a bit worried as to where his lair is, I keep expecting him to jump out at me). We do actually have a huge ginger tom of our own, but he is the world's scarediest scaredy-cat - which I think is because his tiny toirtoise-shell mother used to cuff him round the ear all the time. I've never seen him attack, let alone kill, anything and I think just the sight of the spider-monster would have finished him off! And springy funny you should mention Charlotte's Web - it was actually on one day this week.

Have great weekends everybody, I know I will be quaking all over again on Sunday but I take great comfort from knowing that your good wishes are coming our way. If I don't get back before then (going to see DF tomorrow until late Saturday so won't be around much over the weekend), I will update as soon as possible. Many thanks to you all. x

Sending much love and strength to you all JandJ, and theres lots more where that came from, whenever you need it. Im still reeling from the loss of my Luna, who never knew she was my dog, she thought she was my baby. I probably haven`t been around quite as much, but always for you and your family. Stay strong, and pass my sincere admiration on to your DH for the way he is handling everything.

havent posted for a while, but am still lurking. I send you all my best wishes and positive thinking.

Hi JandJ Glad the e-cat was some assistance. You may be looking for the wrong shape of creature. What is left after leg-billiards performed by said cat looks something like a raisin or rabbit dropping dependent on the size of the original creature. Judging from your description of size it may actually look more like a left over prune. Regarding your ginger Tom, I think I may be a tiny tortoiseshell mother!

I'm not surprised you're still unsure of what the hospital are up to. Chopping and changing never did bring a sense of security! Hope DH is coping with the endless ins and outs and that the treatment isn't knocking him about too much. I hope that you are managing to keep a record of all the comings and goings and changes so that if you decide to document/complain you have something to refer to to make it easier.

Wishing you the best for your trip to see DF and I'll be thinking of you all as you make your way to the hospital on Sunday ready for the 3rd.

Forever I'm so sorry about Luna. That gap is horrible and the mind has a terrible of making you think you see movement out of the corner of your eye. Sending you love and comfort at this difficult time.

Well, I'm glad your dh has managed to avoid hospital food a bit, if nothing else. I hope the travelling to and fro hasn't worn you both out too much. I know what you mean about the school hols being over and having to get back to routine - not my forte at all!

I hope you are having a restful time at DF's and you will get a bit of breathing space before Sunday. Take care.