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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

I've gone into complete panic mode. Verging on hibernation mode. Please help.

999 replies

JackieandJudy · 15/07/2012 15:39

Dh is ill, and has been since just after we met. Over the years we've had so much to deal with, and I think it would be fair to say that I have dealt with most of it reasonably well (I'm generally ok at coping when things are going wrong, it's usually afterwards I have a bit of a wobble).

The situation is slightly different this time in that, instead of finding ourselves in the middle of an emergency, he has a planned operation coming up for next Monday. And I'm so bloody scared. The odds we have been given are not good. I can't stop thinking about Monday and am constantly doing the "what if ...?" thing. The elder dc know it's serious stuff coming up and are scared themselves, hence are looking to us for guidance and reassurance. I've tried but today I'm all out of trying and have locked myself in the bedroom. Smallest dc knows Dad has to go to hospital but is oblivious of the wider implications.

I'm shaking constantly. I keep crying at random moments (yes, that was me in Sainsbury's who cried when I dropped the apples!), I can't do this for another week. But I have to. I don't want to talk to rl friends as I will cry and I don't want anyone feeling sorry for me anyway.

But I'm happy to listen if any of you lovely ladies have any ways to help me get through this week, and possibly after. Sad

OP posts:
izzyizin · 15/08/2012 02:43

First things first: this smoothie comes from California and your dcs and lns may enjoy knowing that they're sharing the favourite drink of some real cool West Coast surfer dudes.

Put 1 banana, 12 strawberries, 6 pitted dates, a tablespoon of clear honey, and 1 cup of orange juice into a blender and blend until smooth.

Add 6 ice cubes (give them a bash first if you think they'll put too much strain on your blender), blend again for 30 seconds or so, and pour into a tall glass.

For a delicious variation use 1 cup natural yogurt and 1 cup skimmed milk instead of orange juice. Warning: this drink is an energy boost; don't make it at bedtime unless you intend to dance till you drop burn the midnight oil.

Adding a generous shot of vodka, tequila, or rum, to either version has been known to convince those old enough to know better novices that they are natural born surfers. One for your next party, Homebird, served on a teatray or 2 for surfing the stairs? Grin

izzyizin · 15/08/2012 02:47

Today's thought comes from a famous Stoic philosopher and Roman emperor who knew a thing or two about endurance:

The first rule is to keep an untroubled spirit. The second is to look things in the face and know them for what they are

Homebird8 · 15/08/2012 09:39

Well Izzy what I have been looking in the face is a looming deadline at work and the need to prove my declaration as someone who keeps my promises. It's going to be a bit touch and go but with the carrot of a Friday night cocktail to look forward to I might just make it.

Hope you're doing ok JandJ. Even if I'm a bit preoccupied I'm still thinking of you and DH. Brew

sadwidow28 · 15/08/2012 11:12

Morning JandJ. Hoping that you are still enjoying your days with DH and the family. You must try some of the cocktail recipes that Izzy posts. We are having a virtual party on this thread.

Great thought for the day again Izzy. Okay, I'll go and tackle the bamboo that has taken over my garden .... and I have been putting off the job of cutting it back because the task seems too onerous. I will report on the success or otherwise later.

lazarusb · 15/08/2012 11:21

Yes...and I need to finish reading my exciting book on Contract Law...

foolonthehill · 15/08/2012 19:37

Hi JandJ. Just checking in to say that we're still thinking of, and praying for you here.

izzyizin · 16/08/2012 02:20

I do hope that you and yours are having an enjoyable a time as possible, JandJ.

I've emailed the recipe for Hope on a Rope to friends in Anchorage and Buenos Aires as well as numerous other destinations - now we've got north to south as well as east to west covered, I also hope that the thoughts and prayers of wellwishers all over the world will help keep you buoyant.

The thought for today is

In times like these it is helpful to remember that there have always been times like these

sadwidow28 · 16/08/2012 10:50

Morning JandJ and ladies on this thread. Well, the bamboo has been well and truly chopped back. It did try to fight back though, but I perservered and won! It was quite therapeutic really and was considering tackling another part of the garden when rain stopped play. Ah well.....

Hoping all is well with you and DH JandJ.

Wow Izzy! I wonder how many good thoughts and prayers are now being offered from around the world.

lazarusb · 16/08/2012 12:26

Afternoon. I hope all is well with you J and J although I'm sure tension is starting to build again. Have you heard anything further from the Hospital?
This thread has truly gone global in your honour! I really like Izzy's thought for today - when my Grandad was in hospital it was strangely a comfort to know that the world was still turning, it was just that my little corner of it was experiencing a hurricane at that time.

foolonthehill · 16/08/2012 17:01

I also find it helpful to remember that good or bad I will never have this moment in time again...it makes me savour the good times, and reminds me that the bad ones will pass and disappear.

all the best to you all and especially JandJ

jellibelli · 16/08/2012 17:20

Fool I love that one.

JandJ still thinking of you all and best wishes, as I am sure you'll be wobbly again now.

JackieandJudy · 16/08/2012 21:26

Evening everyone, so nice to see you all and appreciating very much the good wishes and thoughts. As ever, some very inspiring quotes, not to mention cocktails. I'm thinking we should start up a business selling ready made cocktails with a proverb on each bottle - "izzy and Pa's Liquid Remedies". It's a sobering thought to think of people worldwide trying out recipes from this thread!

lazarusb, it's so kind of you to offer Xmas pud, I bet they're delicious and I absoluely love xmas pud. But, in all honesty, I'm still off my food and wouldn't appreciate it - maybe at Xmas, all being well, I can take you up on your lovely offer. And, just to be nosey, how did you go from cakes/desserts to law?!

sadwidow28, I'm the only person I know who managed to kill off bamboo! I so wanted it to grow but my fingers are anything but green. If you need further help taming your garden, call me in!

Well, I've been well and truly distracted from thoughts of Monday today - ds1's A-level results came out. And amazingly he did really well - I didn't think he would get the grades considering the amount of work he did (or didn't do), but he's pulled it off and will be off to uni in October! So cause for celebration (and more alcohol!). Dd also did well with her AS results so we're happy parents tonight!

We went out earlier, and came back to find a message from dh's renal consultant on the house phone just saying he wanted to catch up. Dh tried to ring him back but couldn't get through, so we're a bit worried what that was about (as he's not in the habit of ringing us), but we'll try to speak to him tomorrow.

Happy Friday to you all, and I know for sure I'll be back over the weekend for your special words of wisdom.

OP posts:
izzyizin · 16/08/2012 22:37

Many congratulations to your ds. Well done that dude! He sounds a lot like one of my dbs; there may be no perceptible physical movement but his mind is always motoring at full revs and eating the road knowledge. And many congratulations to your dd too; another success story to celebrate. Your dc have made you proud to be their dps, or do I have that the wrong way round? Confused

I suspect that the call you received from the consultant has to do with the complaint factor. It truly does concentrate minds and, hopefully, your dh will henceforth be treated with the respect and consideration that should be every patient's right to expect from a health service that prides itself on being an example to the world.

I won't digress into a diabtribe about an example of what exactly, but suffice it to say that when dealing with any bureaucratic institution it can very much be a case of getting what you demand, and you should never be hesitant about demanding the best.

Pa & Izzy's liquid remedies? I'm going to take another look at our family tree. In common with so many others it's got a rich and varied selection of diverse characters. Puritanical Lutherans, licentious Hugenots, steadfast Quakers, robber barons, schoolmasters, lawmakers and lawbreakers of every political, apathetical, and hypothetical persuasion.

Maybe there's a pa and dd pair of snake oil sellers in a horse-drawn wagon plying their wares under a paper moon while beset by Injuns travelling the vast open spaces of the USofA which would account for my feeling of deja vu when I read your words? Grin

But one thing's for sure, whatever a past, present, or future pa sells concocts in his laboratory den works and I'm happy to spread the word Smile

sadwidow28 · 17/08/2012 11:53

Morning JandJ. Huge congratulations to your ds on his A level results. Now a great adventure lies before him as he goes off to university in October. I wish him well. Also congratulations to your dd. I am so pleased that your DH was able to savour the moment of their enormous success.

I also suspect that DH's renal consultant has become involved with the complaint proceedure and there is nothing to worry about.

Have another good day JandJ and bask in the reflected glory of your children's great achievements.

sadwidow28 · 17/08/2012 16:56

Bumpety bump.... we can't have JandJ's thread dropping to page 2 like it did this morning. She might need us over the weekend!

lazarusb · 17/08/2012 17:11

Hello J and J, nice to hear you sounding upbeat and huge congratulations to your dcs on their excellent results. I too expect the Consultant has heard about your complaint and that is why he rang.

The cake/law journey is a bit long but if have nothing better to do....Grin
In 2000, after having dd, I gave up work but decided to study GCSE Law to keep my mind ticking over. I did well and went on to study the AS & A level in a year. I discovered that ds2 was in utero 3 days before my exams but still went on to pass. The plan was to go to Uni when he started school. The cake business was a bit of an accident - a friend of mine was getting married and my Mum was going to make their cake. However, they brought the wedding forward and my Mum was due to be on holiday. Dh and I were pretty much doing the rest of the wedding (photos, food & hall decoration) so, after a cake decorating crash course with my Mum, I ended up doing that as well.

A year before ds2 started school I became a TA (to save for fees) but my Granddad (who had more or less brought my lovely brother & I up with our Nan) experienced a significant deterioration in his health. Unfortunately he was estranged from my Dad because of my Dad's gender reassignment and my brother lives 80 miles away so I became his part-time carer too. During that time, word about my cakes & desserts was getting round and I became quite busy with that as well. My Granddad died at the end of 2008 and in the following months I started to reassess my life. I decided to study with the OU for a year to gain UCAS points and, having passed that, got a place at Uni last year.

I am able to pick and choose if and when I do cakes now (quite busy for the next 2 weeks!) which is nice, however, I've done 4 wedding cakes now and generally won't do them any more because of the stress factor!

Sorry that was so long, no doubt a better person than me could have shortened it significantly Grin However, rest assured there is a pudding with your name on it now, ready for Christmas!

izzyizin · 17/08/2012 18:33

Your cakes and puds sound wonderful, laza, and I bet they taste as good as they look.

My Yankee dgm always made her Christmas cakes and puds on the Tuesday after Labor Day and they were religiously fed with brandy every week until they were consumed.

At home my dc is the waffle specialist and when I have time I enjoy making American corfee cakes - my favourite is a sour cream number with a streusel topping,

I'm also a pie gal. Pastry has always seemed a quite miraculous substance to me and nothing's nicer than a slice of warm pecan pie on a cold day.

izzyizin · 17/08/2012 18:47

You're about to encounter the bend that will lead you into the home strait, JandJ, and this is a time when your legs may falter and you'll need to draw on every reserve available to give you the stamina to make it to the finish line.

My late appearance today is in part because I've found it difficult to come up with a thought that will get you round that curve and spur you on.

Accordingly, instead of a thought for today I'm reproducing an ode by that most prolific of poets, Anon,, which I hope will encourage you to keep on going until you get there, honey.

I know that in truth you have no choice but, nevertheless, it may comfort you to know that others have run the race and met with success because they didn't despair and they didn't quit.

As this was oiginally written about 'man', I've taken the liberty of doing some gender reassignment of my own.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile, but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit-
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many a woman turns about
When she might have won had she stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow -
You may succeed with another blow.

Often the goal is nearer than
It seems to a faint and faltering woman;
Often the struggler has given up
Whe she might have captured the victor's cup;
And she learned too late when the night came down,
How close she was to the golden crown.

Success is failure turned inside out -
The silver tint in the clouds of doubt,
And you never can tell how close you are,
It might be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit -
It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.

Homebird8 · 17/08/2012 21:53

JandJ, Izzy is right with her encouragement today. There is always 'The silver tint in the clouds of doubt'. In fact I think that your clouds, thick as they might be, are riven with threads of silver. Your wonderful family, the skill of the surgeons, RL support and we drunkards here for you day and night with that Hope on a Rope of love (and liquor) .

Tough weekend and week ahead I'm guessing, but we're waiting to tie that knot with you and hang on tight now and through your DH's op. Sending you all prayers and love.

sadwidow28 · 18/08/2012 10:48

Good Morning JandJ. You will be making last minute preparations to take your DH to hospital once more. You will have mixed feelings, hope that things will go ahead this time and trepidation about the outcome. That is normal so go with the feelings as they happen. But smile and enjoy your day as much as you can. Have a laugh with DH as you go through the experience together. Take strength from your wonderful children, real life friends and those of us on this thread.

I send you love and prayers as always.

sadwidow28 · 18/08/2012 17:23

I am bumping your thread again as you nearly dropped off page 1.

It is 5.15pm here in the UK and I am going to take my lovely Border Collie for a long walk to a special place in the woods. We call it 'the clearing'. I take LN there sometimes to play with the dog - and within about 10 minutes, both the dog and LN experience the calmness and peace and settle down.

I don't have LN tonight (he is on a scout trip) but I have the dog who is more than willing to walk the mile to say special prayers for you and DH. I will take my special Rosary Beads. I know that you may not be a person who believes in the power of prayer, but I am. I know from our previous messages that I don't offend you when I pray extra-specially hard.

So I am about to depart for the clearing, with the dog and his rucksack all packed. Special beads (blessed by the Pope) are round my neck. I am going to stay there until I have done all 3 Mysteries of the Rosary. that should stock up your prayer cabinet for DH, you and family for tomorrow.

Catch you later!

izzyizin · 18/08/2012 17:39

It seems to me that we're coming to the end of thoughts for the day as prayers, albeit of religious or non-religious persuasion, will take over from hereon in.

Although we'll no doubt continue to get sloshed rabbit away here amongst ourselves while we await your updates, please be assured that our prayers will be with your dh and our thoughts will never be far from your side.

That said, there is one last thought I want to leave with you which is

There is a time to take counsel of your fears, and there is a time to never listen to any fear

You've taken counsel of your fears, JandJ, and from now on I hope you'll experience the still quiet calm in the eye of the storm that comes from being fearless.

sadwidow28 · 18/08/2012 19:45

I am back.... 3 Mysteries of the Rosary were said in the calm clearing. The calmness helps me to focus on the person I want to pray for. My beautiful Border Collie knows when I am praying, and he simply sits at my feet watching I am safe.

Tomorrow (19th August) is the 11th Anniversary since I lost my DH. I did some extra 'asking prayers' to my DH - to hold your DH's hand and keep him safe. I asked my DH to send angels to watch over you and your family.

I asked him to send the full strength of the angels and arch-angels to help your family now in this time of need.

I will continue to 'speak' to my late-DH via prayer, because if he has any more stars and comfort to award, then I am sure he will give them to your DH.

Homebird8 · 18/08/2012 22:56

You make such a great space for prayer SadWidow and I'm sending love for your DH's anniversary. 11 years makes no difference sometimes and I'm sending prayers of comfort, and faith and hope to you too.

JandJ my prayers for you are for courage, and calm and dealing with truths not fears. And for your DH, confidence and peace and love.

My friend's mum has a quadruple bypass op planned for Monday so I'm trusting in the skill of surgeons all round and praying for healing: physical, mental, emotional and spiritual for all.

I love your concept of rabbiting away in the background Izzy. A little chatter is so much easier to be in when things are taking all your strength than a silent expectation of everyone that the one in the middle of the situation will guide things.

Off to buy a new bike chain for DS1 today as it was the end of the world yesterday when his broke. I'm having a Pollyanna moment and being glad that the troubles in his little world are so easily fixable and so minor. I wish you all the same. Brew

izzyizin · 19/08/2012 05:39

Just a quick bump at my bedtime so that your thread doesn't get relegated to page 2, JandJ.