Would you go for full financial disclosure?

[Myselfagain]

XH and I are separated since last year. We have reached an amicable decision re division of salaries and I have been getting a legal document drawn up to this effect. However, I have been doubting his honesty of late. My solicitor recommends getting full financial disclosure. He wouldn't like this but at least I wouldn't be left wondering what he's hiding. From your wealth of experience, MNers, would you recommend this route? What are your views? We have 2 DCs (8&6) so I want the best outcome for them.

Yes I would as once you get a sealed consent order from the court it will be difficult to overturn it I would have thought.

You will prob be asked to reciprocate so
I don't see the problem, you've nothing to lose.

Absolutely yes.

Thanks. Yes, it would probably be impossible to overturn. I think what I lose I my sense of not being a person after money (I've never been driven by it but me and DCs are short now). Also I am sad that it would be the end of an amicable relationship, although I have a growing belief that trying to maintain it is bad for me.

Yes, get full disclosure. It will take longer, but he won't be able to hide anything. It's worth doing. My X had £20 000 I was totally unaware of!

Yes you should. If its amicable only because he is being a bit snakey then its not really amicable

I can't really tell if being snakey is why it's been amicable. But he's very clever and I saw him completely & strategically cut a colleague off the other year and it shocked me at the time. I don't want to be a mug and I don't believe he knows what it means to be a friend.

Usually I believe the best of people so this is uncomfortable.

Myself. If he got nowt to hide there shouldnt be a problem. It may lead to an argument that you dont trust him and if he has been honest you would need to build bridges to keep it amicable

My STBXDH is arsey about me demanding one, but your solicitor would not be advising you properly if you didn't get one. At the end of the day you have got to look after you and your children, whether or not he deems to be your friend. I was under the impression the courts would be less likely to sign anything off if there hadn't been full disclosure - thats certainly what I've told him anyway!

Onvously I meant STBXH - certainly no D in there!

I'm not sure whether to just accept how it is and hope that he'll look after the kids with his financial means. I think I want the truth but I'm not sure I'll ever get it. Maybe I should move on and look after my own finances/professional life. Has anyone else found income they didn't know about when they went for financial disclosure?

I'd rate 'respectful' over 'amicable' when it comes to divorce. Giving him the benefit of the doubt and living in the hope that he's a decent man that wouldn't stitch you up is leaving the door open for him to treat you and the children the way he treated the colleague ie. with contempt. Requesting financial disclosure may annoy him short-term but I think it's important you cover yourself. As a bonus, he'd know he couldn't get one over on you. Not a bad precedent to set.

His definition of respectful seems to be different from mine. I think he likes deferential best. I looked on his company website (mainly to see the woman who seems to have been waiting in the wings following suspicious texts I saw several years ago but that's another issue) and I see he has developed a business tool that is possibly lucrative or may be so in the future. I don't know whether I'd be entitled to part of its income given that he developed it and travelled the world whilst I looked after DCs. I just don't want to be a mug but I'm sad not to trust him and I don't want to be a money grabber.

It's not 'money grabbing' to ask a man to support his children adequately. That's why it pays to go the formal route. It makes you one-removed from the process, puts the decision with experts, and takes emotive personal issues like trust and being taken for a mug out of it.

If you're afraid of what he'll think of you, just use the technique of "referrring to a higher authority" - ie state that your solicitor is insisting on full disclosure and is saying you're a mug if you don't. "Not my fault, guv, it's me solicitor." Or say that MNers won't get off your back about it if you don't.

Really don't agonise. Protect yourself and your dc.

H's solicitor asked for voluntary disclosure form E, so we have both done that. Trouble is, he has got nothing and I have a couple of thousand in savings... am worried that I will have to give half to him!

Yes I can see the benefits of an objective perspective cogito, but the act of instructing a solicitor to do that makes it immediately adversarial. He pays my mortgage and we divided the sum total of our salaries into two so on the surface it's fair. I have potential to earn more, I'm well qualified too. We have enough money to live and I like having the DCs most of the time (unchallenged if I don't provoke). I just wonder how much more money he has or will have. If I send this document back there'll be no room to challenge in the future.

I've tried that Derk, but it doesn't wash with him. I'd have to take responsibility. But I don't want him as my friend anymore anyway. I have wonderful friends and, thank God, they're nothing like him.

Do it.

I didn't - trusted him, then found out later that some assets I got had been significantly over valued by him. He got me to sign an agreement to the division quite early on and I was so keen to keep it amicable and show that I trusted him that I did. He is considerably better off than we are [idiot emoticon].

If I'd been on MN at the time I would have been forewarned and spotted patterns but it was new territory for me and I just wanted to get it over with "cleanly". You're right he's not your friend, mine isn't my friend, despite everything he said at the time. I should have known that, like you I saw him shaft colleagues and people who were supposed to be his friends, i knew he was lying to me and the dcs abut the OW, so this really comes as no surrpise - but I do wish I'd been more on the ball at the time.

Thanks Cats, that's helpful. Not sure my STBXH has lied, he's too skillful or perhaps just honest, who knows?

I can't see I have a lot to lose at this point. I guess worst case scenario is he hates me and possibly gets joint custody. But I don't think he'd want joint custody and I am tremendously angry with him anyway.

I waited a year for exH to complete financial disclosure to agree a settlement between us, with the help of solicitors. It never came, despite his sols saying they were working on it (had a letter to that effect in Sept 2010). In Oct 2011 I filed a Form A at court, having got decree nisi in July 2011. We were given until Dec 2011 to file Form Es at court, first hearing Jan and final in April. When I walked into the court for the final hearing, my barrister told me that an offer had already been made. I then negotiated a 20% increase. Had I not gone to court over it, I'd have got nothing, for he gave me a sum when we split, and in his head, he had done the right thing.

When he gave me the first amount, we didn't have a joint account and he turned out to have £90k I didn't know about.

Thanks Jumpy. Anyone regret going for full disclosure? Did it irrevocably ruin what was left of a relationship for little advantage?

I don't know what to do, but the idea of having kids taken away from me some of the time or of it all being public in court scares me.

Definitely full disclosure. Once you are at this stage his priority is his new life so please do it or you may regret it later. I have been through this although I knew I was dealing with a skilfull liar, my xh threatened me with taking the kids etc etc. Of course in reality this was the last thing he wanted, he just used it to try to make me back down.

When I got to court it really wasn't what I'd imagined. Not public at all in the usual sense. Just you and your solicitor, him and his and the judge in a very normal room, not like a court room at all. Look after yourself and the DC, good luck.

Unless you're wrangling over millions and can't reach a settlement out of Court, it's highly unlikely that the details of your divorce will hit the headlines or become public knowledge.

You've been properly advised by your solicitor to seek full financial disclosure and you're best advised to heed their advice.

You would be doing yourself and your dc a disservice if you were to ignore this advice, particularly as it seems that your stbxh has developed something on your time that has the potential to be a nice little earner to which you/your dc may be entitled to a share of any future proceeds.

If your stbxh kicks off, simply tell him that you're acting on your solicitor's advice in the best interests of all concerned.

Whether in love or war it's best not to let your heart rule your head. You've got reason not to trust him - now look for the figures that may put a monetary sum on exactly how much you can't trust him.

Go for it - and I hope you'll come back with regular updates.

Thanks cahu and Izzy. It is good to hear that court may not be too public, he is better at hiding things so I have a feeling I'd come off worst.

He has been doing a lot and developing a lot whilst I've had the DCs. His career has thrived esp judging by the website. He's spent a lot of time globetrotting.

I'll have a think on it further. It feels like a total judgement call. I will keep you posted.