Would you go for full financial disclosure?

[Myselfagain]

XH and I are separated since last year. We have reached an amicable decision re division of salaries and I have been getting a legal document drawn up to this effect. However, I have been doubting his honesty of late. My solicitor recommends getting full financial disclosure. He wouldn't like this but at least I wouldn't be left wondering what he's hiding. From your wealth of experience, MNers, would you recommend this route? What are your views? We have 2 DCs (8&6) so I want the best outcome for them.

Definitely full financial disclosure. That's the law after all! Let the solicitors deal with it - you shouldn't have to negotiate personally with stbxh. They always hide money somewhere!

how can they hide it? i mean like, where? what does full financial disclosure actually mean - does someone go through their bank statements etc?

Own business? You need full disclosure.

They have to provide evidence - bank statements, business accounts etc. if you suspect there are hidden accounts the court can demand evidence & do a search.

I didn't. He refused. And shafted me.

If he considers it an aggressive request, you have to ask yourself why.

Yes agree. If there's nothing to hide why not fill in form E?! It's not aggressive, it's perfectly reasonable. My stbxh told me proudly of his previous divorce "the silly cow never got me to fill in form E so it only cost me £600 in legal fees to get divorced with a clean break & my company, shares, pension & house in Spain were never touched in return for the small bit of equity in the marital home". See!!!!

My exh from years ago and I agreed to sort it out between ourselves, to save legal costs. DD was nearly 3 at the time.

It worked fairly well for quite a few years, about 7 or 8.

But when he got a new young girlfriend and decided to support her through college over supporting his own (only) child, then things changed quickly. He downsized unilaterally the amount he paid, and wrangled about money ever after. He even, when she was 16, looked ahead in the light of uni costs and fees etc, and offered me a fixed sum up front of £5000 as a one -off settlement. The unspoken part was that I would support her though A levels and uni with no further help from him, and when I did the sums it would have saved hm a fair amount, especially as I had other later children and he didnt, and his partner was working by then.

Needless to say I refused the offer, and learned that things change over years and that your solicitor is right.

And as someone else said, why would it bother him to disclose?

What if he tries to take the kids from me more? And I worry I wouldn't be able to handle his cold rage. He's not abusive but he is calculating and cold.

Yes and his girlfriend is young so, although he says he won't have more kids, she may want them.

He might bluff and bluster or, more likely, endeavour to drip slow cold poison in your shell-likes but the truth is that he's not going to want to have his precious time with his young girlfriend disrupted any more than it already is by having the dc stay over for longer periods.

Why should you have to handle his cold rage when you've got a solicitor to perform that task? You don't have to give him advance warning of your intentions; instruct your solicitor to seek full financial disclosure and refer him to your solicitor should he come the old acid object to what he should be willingly providing of his own volition.

As you've said, it's your judgement call and you owe it to yourself and to your dc to exercise sound judgement free of fear or favour when you call it.

Regardless of whether it's a happy relief to get out from under, divorce inevitably raises some tinge of regret for what once was or for what might have been; make sure that you don't add the potential for further regret should you subsequently discover that his true wealth is considerably more than he led you to believe when you stupidly agreed to his proposals for financial settlement.

As you've said, it's your judgement call and you owe it to yourself and to your dc to exercise sound judgement free of fear or favour when you call it.

Btw, notwithstanding your informal separation, the fact that he has a girlfriend gives you ground to divorce him for adultery and cite her as co-respondent. HTH to concentrate his mind.

Apologies for duplicate sentence; I'm not halfcut and wasted paste proficient

It sounds to me as if you know you need to do this, but you're scared if you do, he'll go for joint residence to spite you.

Thing is, you've been primary carer now for a year, and CAFCASS are only interested in what suits the child, which is usually stability. If you have a hostile relationship (and litigation will ensure that) and a contact pattern that has worked so far, and which you have fostered, they're loathe to force changes that usually require parental cooperation between two people who don't get on. Conflict being bad for kids. And on top of that, he'd have to fund the litigation, which would cost a bomb, plus does he really want the responsibility? Really?

Post on legal, is my advice. They can advise on the child element better than anyone here could, because I think you feel that, without that factor, it's a no brainer. That's what's making you hesitate, right?

Bear in mind that new young girlfriend plus new kids down the line can equal very mad financial news for kids from a first marriage. You owe it to them to get disclosure, IMO.

perfect yes I woke up thinking its the sensible thing to do, if I wasn't scared.

izzy the other thing that stops me is that he can divorce me for adultery and I refuse to take the blame for ultimately ending a marriage he had absented from long ago.

Divorce him first for whatever ground you have & let your solicitor deal with the financials, children & divorce

I am in the same position. I know he will be angry if I ask for full financial disclosure - but I also suspect that he is hiding money. Part of me just wants to end it, but I also know that I am struggling to make ends meet.

He has 50% custody already, so I don't have anything to lose on that front.

Bloody hell, the scales have fallen from my eyes. It's a no brainer. Of course I need full and frank disclosure.

So I might feel embarrassed at disclosure of adultery, so what? He's not blameless. So he goes for joint custody? I don't think he will but he's a good dad the kids'll be fine & I'll have more of a life of my own.

Thanks all for your advice. I'll let you know how it goes. Good luck too bighouse.

Oh myself so very glad you've decided to go for it. It's the right decision for your children.

Definitely. I had full disclosure and it unearthed all sorts of unanswered shit from my EXH about his duplicitous life. If only for those reasons it was worth it and it allowed me to put some demons to bed.

Agree with everyone else. Go for it OP.

Waiting to exchange Form E's for me at the moment. Should be very interesting seeing as it looks like my duplicitous near Ex has set up a new company off the back of the old one I am a shareholder in. Will be very interesting to find out if this is mentioned in the Form E. Sounds a bit like your Ex Minstrels .

You only have one chance to make sure you get what you are entitled to and I would never trust a man who thinks he might be parted from his money however nice he appears on the surface about it.

Still crystal clear. I instructed my solicitor this afternoon for full disclosure. I will tell STBXH when I see him on Friday. Scared, but strong.

If he's telling the truth, he won't mind doing it. If he's lying, you need him to. Yeah, I'd call that a no-brainer tbh.

Do you really need to tell him? You could wait till he comes to you and then sound surprised and say your solicitor gave the impression it's mandatory when one side owns their own business, but anyway it's not a problem because you know he's been honest with you so he can't mind completing it. It's just normal practice.

Let him be the one on the back foot.

I think by telling him I'm taking the moral highground. I had hoped he would be honest with me but he's not. I thought about not telling him and it's tempting because I'm scared, but it doesn't feel quite right.

He's clever & shrewd. He's not hiding that he has more income, he just smooths over it so I don't know clearly what it is. He's hard to catch out in any respect.

I think it's really important that you feel comfy with whatever you do, absolutely.

I also think you might want to speak to your solicitor and see if you can file asap on grounds of unreasonable behaviour (making those as vague and brief and non-accusatory as possible) before he can get the adultery petition in. Bluntly, you don't want him being able to tell your kids a very unpleasantly twisted version in years ahead.

I hate that there is fault-based proof of divorce in this country. It leads to so much avoidable aggro.

Good luck with it all. I can't say how much I think you're making the wise choice, when the temptation to avoid being bullied has to be so strong.