I want to leave DH but cannot afford it - how to cope?

[AllOutOfLove]

I am a regular who has namechanged as DH searches my nickname on a fairly regular basis and I cannot afford for him to see this.

DH and I have been married for nearly 9 years and have two children (4 and 4 months). He is British and I am Canadian. We spent the first 7 years of our marriage in the UK but moved to Canada three years ago.

We have had a pretty rocky relationship since our DD was born 4 years ago. We separated for 4 months when she was around 14 months old but reconciled.

Since coming to Canada our relationship has gone from bad to worse. I believe he is WAY too strict with our children and is just generally mean to our DD. He shouts at her for the smallest issues and I can see her personality changing. I have started butting in and defending her when I think he is going too far or yelling at her for no reason. He hates that I do that as he says I am undermining him. Maybe I am, but the well-being of my daughter is paramount.

The long and the short of it is that I want to leave him - permanently this time but I am so confused as to what to do. My gut tells me to stay with him until our youngest is 12 which is when they will legally be able to decide which parent they want to live with. I am terrified that if I leave now he will try to take the kids back to the UK.

If I leave him now he will obviously have visitation rights where he would have the kids on his own. At least if we are together, I can act as a referree and protect my children.

To make matters worse, I have worked out a fairly detailed budget and there just isn't any way I can afford to leave him - even taking child support payments and child benefit into account. I feel completely and totally trapped. I would love to walk out now, but without the means to provide for my children, I don't see how that is possible.

I have looked online and I cannot see that there would be any further financial assistance from Revenue Canada or other agencies. So how do I cope? How do I stay with a mean and controlling man while I attempt to save as much money as possible?

I am so confused and so sad. I am tired of being bossed about by this bossy, manipulative and controlling man. I do not want him in our lives but I need to do whatever is in the best interest of my children. Any advice appreciated!

((hugs))

No advice but hopefully someone who knows more then me will be along

Thanks BlackOutTheSun. I don't know whether I need advice or just to vent. It is exhausting trying to pretend to be happy with him. :(

OK well if you are the mum and living in your home country, surely he doesn't have the right to take them away?

No he doesn't have the right to take them away. But he has said to me before that if I ever left him he would take the kids and go back the UK. Just because he doesn't have the right to do it, doesn't mean he wouldn't attempt it.

I need to give DS a bottle and then DH will be home shortly after. I will be back when I can.

I think you need to work this through step by step.

First of all, he can't take them anywhere without a passport. So get their passports and put them somewhere safe, preferably outside your home. Then you know they are in Canada with you. If they do not yet have passports, get them and hide them.

Secondly, take legal advice. Speak to Women's Aid or Canadian equivalent. You need to find out what your options are and what likely outcomes are. You may, with evidence of verbal abuse, be able to limit his contact for example (I have no idea, depends how unpleasant he is).

Thirdly, don't talk yourself into believing you can't leave. You can, even if it takes time. There must be women who live in Canada on govt support. So find out how that is done. If you need a 1-bed flat to make the bills stack up, that may be healthier than staying for financial reasons. Also, he would have to pay maintenance presumably.

I know more helpful people will be along soon x

What a terrible situation. You say your 4 yr old is already changing. What happens if your NSDH changes her so much that at 12 yrs she doesn't want to stay with you? Have you got family or friends that can put you up for a while? Somewhere he doesn't know? It took me over 2 yrs to save up enough to leave my X, it can be done.

Thank you littlebluechair and TodaysTheDay.

I have already though of safeguarding the children's passports, but if I move them now and he notices he will work out that something is up. I can't risk that. When the time comes I will give birth certificates, citizenship cards and passports to my mom for safekeeping.

I could stay with my mom for a few weeks but not long term. She lives in the middle of nowhere and it is almost an hour to work and school. She has also said she can help me with first and last month's rent when I do go which is a huge help. Unfortunately the month to month expenses in my own place are too high for me to cover on my salary, child support and child benefit.

I want to just run away and end it now but I am trapped. We have a house together which needs to be finished and then sold and I either need a second job in the evenings or enter into a life of crime. I just can't afford it financially otherwise.

Sorry your going through this, your lucky you are in you home country plus your wonderful mum is willing to give a hand to put your nightmare to an end. I don't have any advice but I would probably say the earlier you work on this situation and leave, the better. If you leave it till your baby is 12, it'll be four times harder. If you have made up your mind don't look back, get it sorted out. (((Hugs))) you'll be ok.

Firstly, ignore your gut instinct! Your little dd has already been, and is being, subjected to verbal and emotional abuse from her f and there is no way you should be considering staying with him a moment longer than is necessary.

Secondly, visit www.canadianwomen.org to see what resources are available for women in your province - it may be that you will be eligible for subsidised housing.

Why are you reluctant to safeguard the documents that will prevent him from summarily leaving Canada with your dc? Do you fear that he will become violent?

Get those documents under lock and key in a safe place and don't hesitate to call the police and have him removed from your home if he so much as threatens to lay a finger on you.

IME these men never change. He will most likely try to bully, bluff, and bluster you into staying or reconciling (again) but hopefully you are now once bitten, twice shy and will recognise that pigs will fly before he makes good on his promises.

You can do this - thousands have done it before you and are now living life as it's meant to be lived.

I would say an hour to work & school is manageable, we lived a 50 min journey away from both for a year.

I feel you're putting obstacles in your way a bit, I can understand being scared but if you go to your mum's with passports safely in storage somewhere else, he can't do much?

How big is the place you want to rent? Can you find a smaller place?

Is he violent towards you at all?

I was going to say the same as littlebluechair. Under an hour's journey to work/school is easily doable so why not just live with your mum until you've saved up enough money to move out?

You sound a bit like you are making excuses why you can't leave.

A 2 hour round trip commute to school/work each day may be easily achievable in the UK but it's not quite so easy in the depths of a Canadian winter which tends to be a tad more prolonged than that experienced this side of the pond.

But they are much more geared up for it with snow-chains etc. and anyhow winter is some months off - the OP might be able to get her own place by then.

Reading your message was like seeing part of my own past on the screen. I stayed in a miserable marriage for years because I couldn't conceive of how I could manage on my own, because of the effect on the children, and because the thought of how horrible the leaving process would be with him that I just couldn't face it. I plodded on with gritted teeth and it was the most terrible waste of my life, and in a way of XDPs too. My inability to stand up to his controlling ways made for a very bad mix for both of us - it just made him more controlling and me more of a wet martyr. It also rotted my confidence in my ability to leave and manage on my own.

When it came there is no denying the split was difficult and prolonged for everyone including the children. But now we are a few years down the line it is good for all concerned. The children are fine - having separated parents is hardly unusual, they still have both of us, and they have adapted to the benefits of divide and conquer and two separate homes and households. XDP has a stable and happy relationship with someone who loves him, and I have a stable and happy relationship with someone I love and respect.

Like childbirth, it's painful and messy but temporary and so so worth it.

Make your plans, grit your teeth, prepare for a rough ride but keep your eyes on the prize of happiness and wellbeing for your children and yourself. You do deserve it, we all do.

You need to go and talk to a good lawyer and find out where you stand regarding him not taking the children out of the country, regarding maintenance payments, all that scary stuff. They will have good advice. Also about him spending time with the children and his behaviour.

Is there anyway you can up your salary? Apply for a new job, better hours? Plan for a career?

You can do this. It is scary. But I doubt most people that leave their shitty H/Ps do it with pockets full of money, and it is not a reason to stay. I am in the first months of trying to work out life without my X, and it is daunting, scary, overwhelming. But I am doing just fine, and I will get my life back on track, it just takes a bit of flexibility. So I am not moving into my dream home, but a tiny rented flat in the city I grew up in where I never thought I would move back, on benefits... but that is not my future. I will get a job, I will get a career, I have my children, and I have the love and support of family & friends. I will be fine!

Good morning all you wonderful ladies! I have had a quick read and you have all offered wonderful advice. We're out for the day but I will respond more fully when I get back. Thank you so much for your messages.

Stay strong AllOut. Start saving now.

You said that living with him you can interveen when he is emotionally abusive towards your DC and that you are worried about him having them alone. I guess this is a legitimate concern.

BUT... I grew up with a dad who was emotionally abusive to me as a teen (I don't really remember if he was when I was younger, it was certainly worse as a teen). My mum wasn't always there to interveen and sometimes she was there but didn't. I think it would be better to have my main home be somewhere where I wasn't emotionally abused and limited contact with the abusive parent, rather than live with the fear the whole time.

She is already affected by his treatment of her at 4. She will be 16 by the time her sibling is 12. The damage will have been done by then.

As an adult I suffer from depression and anxiety that have resulted in me being scared of leaving the house alone. I'm working on it, and I'm not saying its all my dad's fault or that I can't move on from it. But that early damage to my self-esteem isn't quick to repair, I have core beliefs that I am an unloveable person and that its my fault when things go wrong (even if they are completely outwith my control). My strongest memories of my dad are of him shouting in my face about what a little shit I was - even though he probably spent more time doing fun stuff with me.

When I went for councilling I spoke a lot about my dad. When the councillor asked about my mum, I didn't have much to say at all either positive or negative. She wasn't there. I've since realised that emotionally she wasn't there, she was depressed. I don't really have strong positive memories of time spent with my mum, even though I'm sure I must have.

They are still together and I get on with them reasonably well, my dad seems to have improved but I am unlikely to trust him. I try and be kind to my mum and build up a relationship with her. But I guess... part of that 'unloveable' core belief comes from her, that I wasn't worth protecting from his verbal outbursts. She has since told me that she wishes that she'd got me some help (councilling?) when I was a teen as she recognises now that I was depressed. I haven't dare ask her why she is still with him or why she didn't consider leaving, maybe its none of my business.

I hope that if you don't find a way to leave that your daughter is more resilient than I was/am.

I'm not saying that the practicalities of leaving are easy. But I am sure that it won't take you 12 years to overcome them, for the sake of you and your daughters I hope not.

if you are going to be doing any 'searches on web, etc...go to the library or similar...not at home...he may check internet history and find out you have been on to things, etc

Sorry it sounds a bit cloak and dagger...needs must...if your mother doesn't mind...I'd be having any paperwork, etc sent to her address too...and keep it there...not home....and perhaps even buy a cheap mobile...left at your mother too for making any contacts and getting calls into....

your privacy in your planning and support needs will be better kept totally separate from the house....along with you gathering up yours and DC's documents...take all to your mothers or a safety deposit box or bank secure box...leave key with mother, etc

precautionary....you don't want your movements to be known or stumbled upon...maybe open a new acc just for savings, etc and keep that at your mothers house too...

It might surprise you how much stronger you will start to feel when you have done some of these things towards your independence and separation

Lots of help and advice here so keep posting updates as you can and asking anything and we are all here to root for you xx

maybe you will be better to MN on this namechange thread and any others related to...just to be safer too.. away from home...it would be awful if this was found by DH if you don't really know what his response could be...

again library...or similar...your mums maybe?...maybe you could get hold of a netbook or similar and keep it at your mums...wifi access if she doesn't have system in house???

Hello again everyone. I'm sorry I haven't been back before now. It's difficult to find time to MN with DH home.

I accept that I am probably making excuses. But the truth is, I am terrified. I have absolutely no idea how to broach the subject with him - how exactly do you begin a conversation that will ultimately end your marriage?

Not everything is an excuse though. I can't go anywhere until we sell our house. There is money tied up in the house that could really help me starting out. And it was a fixer-upper when we bought it so there is a little more work to be done. I am thinking it will take us another year or so.

I am constantly looking at apartments and houses for rent just so I know what's out there. I would love a three bed, but I'm also looking at two beds as they are more affordable. As long as he is in his cot, DS can be in with me.

I'm just confused and feeling a little like a prostitute as I need to "keep him happy" so he doesn't suspect anything. Urgghh

I was going to reply but I really don't know what I could say to be of any support...

if you believe another year or so is going to work out fine for you to choose to do then I can only say...I wish you well and hope things work out ok for you

Things can change quickly. You would be skint to begin with but it wouldn't be forever and you'd gave space to think about where to go next. Also a friend of mine believed she'd never manage financially if she left her dh but she did her research at CAB and she's fine. Her mum's helping her by lending her money to pay off dh a portion of the value of the house, but she's managed to take on the mortgage despite working only 4 hrs week and being on benefits. She also gets some maintenance. It is possible!

If you're married, then it doesn't matter if you're in the house or not, you'd still have a financial claim on it, surely? I would take your mother's offer of deposit money and leave the marriage, if I were you.

I know it's not that simple and it seems insurmountable, but you have to put your little girl first, and living with someone who is mean to her and who is damaging her before your very eyes isn't putting her first. Maybe turn it around - living apart from her, he might make efforts to be a better parent when he did see her. If you're living together, there's no way you can protect her 24/7 and she will always be on edge. At least if she only saw him for set times, it wouldn't be a continual grinding down of her spirit, and perhaps you could get supervised visits, especially if he was a flight risk.