I want to leave DH but cannot afford it - how to cope?

[AllOutOfLove]

I am a regular who has namechanged as DH searches my nickname on a fairly regular basis and I cannot afford for him to see this.

DH and I have been married for nearly 9 years and have two children (4 and 4 months). He is British and I am Canadian. We spent the first 7 years of our marriage in the UK but moved to Canada three years ago.

We have had a pretty rocky relationship since our DD was born 4 years ago. We separated for 4 months when she was around 14 months old but reconciled.

Since coming to Canada our relationship has gone from bad to worse. I believe he is WAY too strict with our children and is just generally mean to our DD. He shouts at her for the smallest issues and I can see her personality changing. I have started butting in and defending her when I think he is going too far or yelling at her for no reason. He hates that I do that as he says I am undermining him. Maybe I am, but the well-being of my daughter is paramount.

The long and the short of it is that I want to leave him - permanently this time but I am so confused as to what to do. My gut tells me to stay with him until our youngest is 12 which is when they will legally be able to decide which parent they want to live with. I am terrified that if I leave now he will try to take the kids back to the UK.

If I leave him now he will obviously have visitation rights where he would have the kids on his own. At least if we are together, I can act as a referree and protect my children.

To make matters worse, I have worked out a fairly detailed budget and there just isn't any way I can afford to leave him - even taking child support payments and child benefit into account. I feel completely and totally trapped. I would love to walk out now, but without the means to provide for my children, I don't see how that is possible.

I have looked online and I cannot see that there would be any further financial assistance from Revenue Canada or other agencies. So how do I cope? How do I stay with a mean and controlling man while I attempt to save as much money as possible?

I am so confused and so sad. I am tired of being bossed about by this bossy, manipulative and controlling man. I do not want him in our lives but I need to do whatever is in the best interest of my children. Any advice appreciated!

It is not an excuse when I say I need to wait for the house to sell. I have worked out a very detailed budget and to stay here, I would be about $600 short every month. To rent a small place, I'd be about $300 short every month.

I don't see how that is possible. I cannot leave if I cannot afford to live. It's just not possible.

Thing is, you're proposing to spend a year (maybe) getting the house up to scratch, and then however long to sell it?

In the meantime, your little girl is suffering.

Wouldn't you be better off selling it as is and taking what you can? Or commuting from your mum's or having a tiny place? If you see your daughter's personality changing, how can you stand by and wait? Wait for what? There is no perfect time to see the fun crushed out of a child.

I'd rather be facing living frugally/skint than the prospect of thinking about enduring watching my DC's suffer anything prolonged and negative...

...money can be sought after...damage is damage... you see that clearly now for your DC...where will that be in a year or more...you can improve finances...you can't erase emotional damage...

I'm sorry...priorities are important and I wonder that you have them confused???

and I'm quite sure your mother wouldn't be putting a time limit on staying with her until you have other options you could afford...
you won't be homeless or penniless...I really don't see what's holding you back.. at all????

You might be $300 short if you move out & rent a 3 bed, what about a 1 bed with you on sofa bed?

How much maintenance have you factored into your budget?

How long will it take to sell your house now and how much would you get from the sale?

I know its not a nice spot to be in, but if you don't want to leave just say that, it isn't that you can't from the info you've posted here.

You need to stop thinking you are trapped by a house that is not perfect enough to sell. You bought it as a fixer-upper, and so will someone else! It is only your pride making you want to finish it, but that is not important in the scheme of things. The trouble is, by thinking you have to stay until it is perfect you are spending loads more money which you may or may not get back in added value, and you risk dragging this out for several more years - especially if your H has no sense of urgency about the renovations, or if funds are tight. I guarantee you if your H wanted to leave you he wouldn't give the state of the house a thought - he'd just go.

You may not make as much money as if it were finished, but nothing is guaranteed in life - the price of property could drop by then anyway. At least selling it sooner rather than later will free up enough money to start you off somewhere manageable now which has to be better than living like this for a couple more years.

I think you should tell him, and move out temporarily to your mother's. See if you can take a few weeks off work, while DD is out of school for the summer. That will give him some time on his own to get used to it. Put the house on the market asap, and see if you can find some extra money (bank loan if necessary until the house sale goes through) for a cheap one bed place for either him, or you and the children, for maybe 6 months until the house sale goes through. Then when you have some more money you can look for somewhere a bit better.

I really think you should move the birth certs and passports out of the house a day or two before you tell him. He is unlikely to notice they are gone if you are acting normally, but if he does then, well - you were about to tell him anyway. Do not make the mistake of telling him first and then going for them afterwards.

Please listen OP - FN is speaking sense. You can do this! I lost money on a house once when I left a shitty man - best decision ever because I was free and happy.

Get some legal advice.

From my experience, a British wife and a Canadian husband, when their marriage broke up, she got custody of the kids but was forced to remain in Canada so he could have access to them. Also the UK is part of the Hague convention and if a Canadian court gave you residency a British court would force the father to return the children. The UK is not somewhere you can run away with children to.

I think you really need to contact the Canadian equivalent of Women's aid and get advice. Get your kids out of harms way, don't let him control you, then sort the money and do the Canadian equivalent of "The Freedom programme".

You can do this, and changing schools and jobs will be fine if you have to.

Thanks everyone for all your advice. I really do appreciate everything you have said. I wish I could explain a little more fully but it just sounds like excuses. I cannot live with my mom long-term. Her husband is an alcoholic and I don't want my kids exposed to that. She also lives in the middle of nowhere - it would take me 45 mins to an hour to get to work in the morning and that usually doubles in the winter when drifting snow across the road can reach two or three feet! So not only will I have to budget for higher fuel costs, I will also need snow tires.

Money is obviously not the only issue but it is a big one. My mom left my dad when I was 11 and she left with nothing. She rented a 1 bedroom shithole and most days we only had toast to eat. I never want my kids to be that hungry. It was a horrible time and it took my mom 5 years to get on her feet - I refuse to give my kids the same life.

I will leave him but not now. I appreciate your words but to be fair, you do not know my situation so you can only guess at what you would do. I have to get my finances in order and make some plans. I am his sponsor until July 2013 so I need to find out what my immigration obligations are.

I really don't want to sound like I am disregarding your advice. I have already decided that I am with him for another year or two while I put my exit strategy in place. I started this thread for advice on how to cope in a marriage that makes me unhappy. I didn't ask whether I should go now or later. It will not be now.

yes you need to amke careful plans and dont tell him what they are until you actually moving.
you cannot subject your dds to 12 more years of this (or six or eight whatever it is )

acting as referee is not a good role to play.

go to someone and talk practicalities and finances.

talk to the candian equ8ivalent of womens aid.

read lundy bancroft why does he do that. get informed about the long term damage. to you and to your children.

you cannot protect them by living there with him. better live seprately in a safe haven and ahve supervised contact if it comes to that.

record his behaviour log it

I am glad you ignored your gut instinct top remain with this man until your youngest DD was 12 with the eldest being 16. The damage would have been well and truly done by then. And they would have blamed you also for putting your abusive H before them. If you had said to them, "well I stayed because of you", they would have asked why on earth did you do that?.

Have you sought proper legal advice to date re separation and his immigration status?.

Ok, so your mum's out of the frame in the long term but is there no-one else you can stay with?. Being in a refuge would be far better than you all staying within this abusive household.

It is scary and daunting to leave but really what choice do you have. Slugging it out another year is not going to do you or the children any favours and just prolongs all the anguish for you and your children. Your children are seeing their unhappy mother and how you react to your H. They are also learning from you.

BTW abusive men often use the children as weapons i.e threaten to take them away from their mother. Its a deliberate ploy used by such types to keep "their woman" in check.

No-one benefits from being in an abusive relationship and a person cannot cope in a marriage that makes them unhappy.

All that will happen in the next year re yourself is that you will become further downtrodden and further disheartened. It does take time to leave but NO, repeat NO obstacle is actually insurmountable.

Not to mention the effects of same on your eldest daughter; he is already treating her badly and you've already seen personality changes in her. What do you want to teach your children about relationships here?.

Thank you for your post Atilla. It makes a lot of sense although I am not in an abusive marriage. My husband is selfish and is an asshole but he is not abusive. Not at all.

I have been re-reading this thread as well as some information online about divorce and I'm going to ask for this thread to be deleted. I am kidding myself if I think I will ever leave DH. I won't. I have put up with his moody, miserable nature for 9 years and I know I will never get the courage to leave him. I'm not strong enough.

I am lazy and weak and most days, my kids are the only thing keeping me from dumping the entire contents of my medicine cabinet down my neck. I couldn't cope on my own and I know that. This thread just gives me false hope and wastes your time and mine. I'm sorry.

Please MN reconsider deleting this thread. It has been requested yes but what purpose would deleting this now really serve anyone?.

All out of love,

You are not wasting anyone's time. Truly you are not.

You may not think you are strong enough to leave but you are. You just need support and help to get out; it is accessible but you need to take the first and often the most hardest step of all to take, to actually access it.

Also if you chuck the pills down your neck your children will be motherless and I really do not think you want that either for yourself or for them.

What sort of marriage do you consider you are in?.
Do you not want to consider the possibility that you are in an abuse situation?. My guess too is that he does not act like this around other people or coworkers.

I can't give you advice about how to cope within an negative marriage that leaves you so unhappy and your children effected badly....

I know I lived within a negative, emotionally very difficult controlling relationship....slowly over 6yrs I realised I was miserable and had nothing left of myself about 3yrs into it....it took me a long time to see this had happened to me and with the advent of my first child brought most of this into reality for me...my DC was 6mths old when I left the relationship as I knew and could see that my DC's life would be badly effected and I didn't want that and couldn't do it to myself anymore either...

I had no plan...except to leave. I packed a suitcase, had no money and my DC in pram and I left. I went to my mums and toddlers group and found the most amazing support and help from them and from there was found a B&B where I stayed for a while....things get better, the relief was incredible and I never worried about the future...just the getting out of the situation I was in....I started again and have never regretted anything...I'd do it again if I had to...'things' are replaceable...

There is help and support out there and I would urge you to go and seek that support...you don't have to be alone and just coping...you can ask for help and I'm positive you will find it....
I hope you can see that our fears are our biggest obstacle and nothing is as scarey when you find the strength to do things you know that you must...

I can't do it. I can't tell him how I am feeling. I have been playing the role he wants me to play and I don't know how to stop. I am no longer me and I don't have any idea how to get back to how I was.

I left him before and he wheedled his way back in a few months later. As miserable as he makes me, I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I never had security growing up and I can't do that to my children. I remember times as a child where I came home from school to find my mom sobbing on the kitchen floor, trying to figure out how to make half a loaf of bread and a few potatoes last all week.

I have been reading and between my wages, child benefit and child support, I would bring in about $2500 per month. Daycare is $1400 for both kids, a small two bed is $800ish, gas, electric and water around $200. That takes me to $2400. How do I survive on $100 a month? I cannot buy food, diapers and formula on that amount. It simply isn't possible. This is why I keep saying I cannot afford it. I am not looking at luxury apartments and all non-essential items are gone (phone, Internet, tv, smokes). On top of that, I have car payments of $250 every month. I can't change the math - I am stuck. I cannot afford to leave.

Look you are not your Mother. She is now married to an alcoholic, you are not going to do that are you.
Yes life is hard, but it can be far harder with someone who is not good for you.
My mother left my father when I was tiny, and although we were never well off, we did have food to eat. Most of us are in the UK so don't know the sources of help you can look for, this might be somewhere to start.

My mother didn't re-marry but that wasn't from a shortage of offers, and she didn't even look very hard. She had a lot of great friends, and isn't someone I would call lonely.

ok you are right...obviously for you right now there seems no way out that you can see at all ...I'm sorry but I don't think anybody here is going to have much advice about staying in your situation and carrying on and being able to advise you of how on earth you can do that...

I'm not sure what I could ever say within this situation except for you to do what seems best for you in whatever way you can manage to do that and all the best to you and I hope you stay ok and find some answers as you go along your road

I would only strongly urge you to consider all avenues...there has to be help out there for people in your position and right now you may be feeling defeated but actually you are at the beginning of a new life for yourself and your DC's...you must try to view things from the right angles....

Have you got an equivalent to a CAB in Canada that we have here in the UK? Just thinking they may have more advice for you legally and financially on where you stand, and may help your peace of mind. Also if he left, would he have to pay child support? And would this help you on the day care financial scenario?

1. You can leave without telling him. I upped and left one lunchtime in a taxi, with my belongings in a few bags and DD on my lap. If he behaves in such a way as to make you scared to talk to him, he has sacrificed any entitlement to have The Conversation before you go.

2. If he tries to take the dcs to the UK, you will be able to get them back in accordance with the Hague Convention.

3. Just because you leave, doesn't mean you sacrifice your entitlement to a share of the profits when the house is sold.

It's doable, honestly it is. You just have to break it down into small steps and keep going through them. And you have to stop paying attention to your feelings for a bit until you're in a safer place.

Have you factored in the fact that he would be expected to pay a contribution for his children? I don't know Canadian law very well, but there must be some equivalent of the CSA.

If you do nothing else, get advice from someone who knows the Canadian system. There has to be some support for women in your system. Anything that sheds light here? Divorce in Canada

Hi again everyone,

I have been doing a lot of thinking and a lot of research these past few days and I am feeling a little more positive. I have had a long chat wih my mom and she is going to help me as much as she can.

I am going to ask DH to leave our home and rent a small place for himself. I can manage the house for 3 or 4 months and hopefully it will sell in that time (it's a condo in a sought after area and they usually sell in days so fingers crossed). She has also said she, my step-dad and brother will come in and we can give the house a cosmetic fix ready to sell. My step-dad owns a building supply store so he has the manpower and my mom's best friend is a decorator so she is going to call in a favour and get him to quickly paint from top to bottom.

Nothing is going to happen for the next month or two as there are things to sort out - passports, new glasses, dental work etc. but I'm feeling more positive and definitely feel ready to do this.

Hurray! Really delighted that you've made a plan to get out of this situation. Well done!

thats great news OP...stick to your plans...keep strong and stay in touch on here....
your family are on board to support you and thats really good...let them help as much as poss now

all the best with THE conversation you need to be having soon and I'm sure you will manage fine when the time comes for this.....you have some plans and a way forward and that will give you hope and strength to keep going and make these positive changes you and your DC's need

You go girl. You sound like an amazing mom!