I want to leave DH but cannot afford it - how to cope?

[AllOutOfLove]

I am a regular who has namechanged as DH searches my nickname on a fairly regular basis and I cannot afford for him to see this.

DH and I have been married for nearly 9 years and have two children (4 and 4 months). He is British and I am Canadian. We spent the first 7 years of our marriage in the UK but moved to Canada three years ago.

We have had a pretty rocky relationship since our DD was born 4 years ago. We separated for 4 months when she was around 14 months old but reconciled.

Since coming to Canada our relationship has gone from bad to worse. I believe he is WAY too strict with our children and is just generally mean to our DD. He shouts at her for the smallest issues and I can see her personality changing. I have started butting in and defending her when I think he is going too far or yelling at her for no reason. He hates that I do that as he says I am undermining him. Maybe I am, but the well-being of my daughter is paramount.

The long and the short of it is that I want to leave him - permanently this time but I am so confused as to what to do. My gut tells me to stay with him until our youngest is 12 which is when they will legally be able to decide which parent they want to live with. I am terrified that if I leave now he will try to take the kids back to the UK.

If I leave him now he will obviously have visitation rights where he would have the kids on his own. At least if we are together, I can act as a referree and protect my children.

To make matters worse, I have worked out a fairly detailed budget and there just isn't any way I can afford to leave him - even taking child support payments and child benefit into account. I feel completely and totally trapped. I would love to walk out now, but without the means to provide for my children, I don't see how that is possible.

I have looked online and I cannot see that there would be any further financial assistance from Revenue Canada or other agencies. So how do I cope? How do I stay with a mean and controlling man while I attempt to save as much money as possible?

I am so confused and so sad. I am tired of being bossed about by this bossy, manipulative and controlling man. I do not want him in our lives but I need to do whatever is in the best interest of my children. Any advice appreciated!

Thanks everyone! He is home from work now and I am itching to tell him but I can't. I need to bite my lip while I do some planning. This is going to be more difficult than ever before. I know I am going to want to blurt it out during the next argument but I can't do that. I need to be so careful now.

The flaw here is that you assume you will ask him to leave and he will go.
Why should he ? Why would he ?

He gets something out of this relationship. Bullies need that kick.

That was certainly my mistake. My ex found fault with everything I'did so naturally I thought he would jump at the chance to leave... He did not. He refused. This was his house and family and there was no way he was leaving.

I had to up and leave.

(in one argument he said well if someone should leave it should be you not me. But when this did happen he was immensely shocked and angry and became dangerous... )

Be very careful and make a plan b in which you pick the kids and leave to your mum. Pack a bag with important documents and hide it (or squirrel way stuf to your mums).

Any threats or aggression you need to walk out ....

And how worried are you about him having the children unsupervised?
How much. Of a real risk is he to them ?

Keep making your plans please do but be prepared for him not to leave easily . Make a plan b and plan c

And don't have conversation . If there is a way you can pack his stuff and have protection so he can't get back in the home then yes maybe it could work. But any ttempts at sensible conversations are not going to work with a manipulative and controlling person.

Have you checked out the tax rebate on your childcare? You can claim this monthly. Also apart from the child benefit (uccb?) which I presume is monthly, there is the 3monthly payment, it might be called child assistance. The 2nd is based on family income so should increase with you as a single parent. It might be enough to get you in the black.

I wish you success. You will probably waver about doing this and it is natural. The first day will be the hardest but each day after that it will be a little easier until its so easy you'll wonder why you didn't do it before!

Oh and recalling that my ex said things like I had to change or he would leave... I would say please leave and he would say no he was never leaving. You can't win with these people only actions mean something. And asking him politely to leave to a small flat down the road ain't gonna work... Just bear that in mind....

Maybe he travels for work and you can evict his stuff while he way ?

Thank you so much for the extra advice! I had thought that he may try to talk me out of it and/or refuse to leave. My mom is going to take the kids to her place the night I plan to do it so they will be out of the way. They will also have all of our important documents in their suitcase. If he refuses to leave I will go to my mom's place until he either leaves or I find my own place.

Ideally I would like this to happen before DD goes back to school in September but October is probably a better option as I will be back at work by then. Thanks again for all your support and advice.

Just a quick question if anyone knows. I have found an online child support calculator and it says DH would have to pay $597 per month in support. Can anyone tell me whether this would be it or whether I could ask for more considering my monthly childcare bill is going to be between $900 and $1400 per month?

Sorry can't give advice about Canadian financial stuff.

But I did want to echo Cestlavie's wise words. Accept now it's very very very unlikely he will meekly agree to leave. Plan B a necessity I'm afraid.

You are doing the right thing for your children and yourself in leaving. I'm willing to bet all I own that the minute you get away from him you will feel immediately so much better. And you will cope. You sound very intelligent and capable and a good mother.

please make a plan whereby you are not alone in the house with him when you ask him to leave.

however much you thnk he has not been physically violent up to now he could get nasty when he realises what is going on. and use at least verbal and maybe physical agression.

you absolutely need someone with you when you ask him to leave.

or tell him in a public place so you have witnesses.

and do not be alone with him once you have told him.

Thanks Pickgo. I really do think he will go but, like I said, there will be a plan b in place.

cestlavielife He absolutely will not hurt me. I know this for absolute certain. He is not a violent person. However, if he does assault me, it wouldn't be the worst thing. Under the terms of his immigration documents, if he is convicted of a criminal offence, his status is immediately revoked and he gets his ass deported back the UK. So, not the worst thing that could happen.

no, you can never know that.
no one can know that about anyone. he shouts he is mean he hates it when you do certain things.... all precursors to him upping the stakes when you up the stakes....

(read all the incidents of familial homicide etc most cases everyone says what a nice man he was/could never have predicted it etcetcetc )

he has not been a violent person to date.

my ex wasnt violent til he was.

if you are dead or maimed then yes it could be the worst thing.
please dont take this lightly.

just play it safe. have someone with you.

the biggest risk for violence is when you really leave.

"In a statement Mr Fuller's family said: "He loved his children dearly."2
""We cannot begin to imagine what was going through the mind of this gentle man to drive him to such tragic actions."

etc. www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-18874985

just dont take the risk dont take any risk and play it safe.
that is all. take a just in case he refuses to go quietly approach...

cestlavielife ....whilst there may be truth in what you say (and no dispute from me)...I'm not sure it needs to be put into quite such a brutal, frightening way to the OP...

yes OP it is wise to ensure you are not alone if things are difficult at any point....perhaps you need to work out a signal for family members which you could use to tell them you need help...maybe 2 rings on phone or 'H' in a text...so they are alerted to you needing assistance

and yes definitely when you plan to ask him to leave...you must not be alone at this point and someone should stay with you until the locks are changed if possible....

He won't be able to leave immediately as he will need to find an apartment. He has no one here so if I force him to leave immediately, he will be sleeping on the street. As much as I dislike him, I wouldn't wish that on anyone.

My brother lives nearby and he has said he is willing to park around the corner when I tell him. I can call or text if I need help and he will be here in less than a minute. I am taking precautions but I know they are not needed. I appreciate your advice cestlavielife (more than you will ever know) but I know he will not become violent. The last time I left, he just cried - a lot!

Child Support Guidelines Check this out, it seems to indicate you can ask for additional to cover childcare in your award.