I don't know if I'm posting in the right place, but really would like to talk to someone!

[dustyblinds]

Hi,

I don't know where to start, other than saying I feel really silly posting, and don't quite know where to start. But if I don't talk to someone I think my head will probably explode.

I guess I'll just dive right in. I'm really bloody unhappy, but I can't decide what's wrong. I have a horrible feeling it's because I'm stuck in the wrong relationship, but when I question myself I wonder whether I'm blaming my poor DP for my dissatisfaction. I

We have been together for 12 years, 2 x DDs 4 & 6.

He was a rebound fling after I ended another long-term relationship (fiance) with a guy I adored but was totally career focused and didn't want what I wanted (at that time a cottage with roses around the door and lots of babies).

I moved away a few months into aforementioned fling, fling became long-distance relationship, he moved to be with me, I lost my job, we ended up in his home town and bobsyouruncle, fling becomes relationship.

We are very different; he is verry quiet, not ambitious, we don't communicate well. We split up for a time, but (I think due to insecurities on both sides) got back together and conceived DD1.

I find it difficult to describe, as in some ways he is very hands on (I was determined not to take on the traditional stereotype) but I feel this is largely resented. We have had a poor relationship since birth of DD2 in 2008 and challenges of parenting increased. He struggled with stress/depression and was on antiD for almost 2 years, came off earlier this year.

Not to dwell on that too much (and obviously there is lots more I won't bore you with) but on the other side, I am hugely dissatisfied with, well, everything.

We are living in a part of the world I don't want to be (up North). I don't enjoy my job and never have, and despite more self-analysis than is healthy I can't figure out what I want to do with my life. I am currently self-employed and worry I have taken a step off the career ladder (not that I was on one, really - ex-public sector). I surround myself with distractions/hobbies but still don't feel fulfilled. Family life is a constant source of tension, and I just feel an overwhelming need to change things.

I feel very silly writing all this down. It feels self-indulgent and I realise I probably come across as self-obsessed and spoilt. Sometimes I tell myself I have depression, because I can't think of any other explanation for this constant 'searching' I find myself doing, yet I never find resolution.

I fantasise about leaving my partner frequently, yet I also want to get married. Despite proposing to me years ago (during our split - I refused at the time) I would like to get married, but he now absolutely refuses until things are better between us. I want a stable, happy family home. I realise marriage won't make that so, but find it difficult to accept that he doesn't want to marry me. Most times I think he doesn't even like me, and resents being caught up in the domesticity that two young children (now with added puppy!) brings. I think I see marriage as stability, and feel quite volatile at the moment.

Sorry for such an unwieldy post. I don't know what I'm asking, really, just felt the need to get this crap out of my head.

A wedding certificate won't make things any better between you, I'm afraid . It won't give you stability to your relationship, and instead may even drive a further wedge between you, when one or both of you realise you are tied together legally. Is joint counselling an option at all? It sounds like you're really unhappy because you 'settled' for the next best thing after your break-up. I'm not sure what to suggest, and I hope someone with some good advice will come along soon.

I agree quietly we do only get one life. What's the point of living an unhappy one?

I agree, quietly no one should settle. But I read on another thread the importance of getting your own life in order before looking to flee a relationship. Which I've been trying to do, but, frankly, am exhausted by it. I'm in the middle of a course (which I now don't want to do - typical), do lots of gardening, exercise, and now puppy training. All of which is great, theoretically. But still something is missing.

Other than my partner being (I hesitate to say depressed, although perhaps he is) a generally negative and low-energy person (and aren't we all sometimes?) I am basically in mutually supportive and respectufl relationship, no emotional or physical abuse, no gambling or debt. I just can't talk to him and feel very lonely much of the time.

I decided today we should emigrate to Australia. But then again, I think I am probably quite flighty..

Please don't 'settle'. I could have written your post many times during my marriage. It doesn't end well. Maybe try counselling so you can say you really gave it your best shot but if that doesn't work separating and parenting happily will give your kids better relationship models in the future. That's my main regret now I see my oldest child repeating that in their relationship.

I think all these things you are doing / planning are actually avoidance things. They are things you are doing to fill the hole left by the thing that you left out of your list of good things about your relationship - and that's happiness.

Oh rightfedup your comment just made me come over all chilled. I have a horrible feeling you're right, but I don't want to face up to it. The grass is always greener, right? I am very flighty generally, and seriously do question whether I'll ever be happy, with or without the boy.

For god's sake don't do anything at the moment that will tie you to him further.

What's he like with the children?

I think he's right to say he won't marry you until/unless things are better - it shows his unhappiness, too.

I know what you mean about low-energy people - they can really suck the life out of you.

What do you think he'd say if you suggested living apart for a while?

Aargh this is such a strange feeling -like talking to my younger self! I remember many times when I talked myself into staying because he was a nice man. Many times I'd get a 'project' going to distract myself and make myself stay because I was too scared to leave. I was told as a child that I had no common sense and was 'difficult' and 'flighty' and I believed it and believed I couldn't make good decisions and should play it safe. The episode of friends where Rachel's mother tells her that she 'settled' for her father and how Rachel shouldn't do the same made me cry and cry and cry. Only years later did I work out why.

If you really were my younger self, I'd say work on your self esteem so you can follow your instincts and have the confidence to look for a fulfilling relationship rather than an adequate one.

Imperial he has moments of pure loveliness and total dad-indulgence. He makes cakes with them, dances with them, collects every piece of art they've ever made and reads them stories at night. Yet, on a day to day basis with them, he's tired and irritable, impatient. As I write this, I can hear him in the kitchen; every time he drops something he says 'oh for goodness sake' in an angry voice. He is just generally tense, over-reactionary, often distant. But to be fair, small children are hard work, and I can't expect him to be cheerful, happy dad all of the time.

Getting a puppy was a really stupid thing to do, with hindsight. That was a decision made by my pre-children self. The strain it's put on the family is enormous (although the kids love her). He doesn't engage with her at all and is resentful of the extra work she takes (although I am taking on the bulk of exercise and training).

We discuss the problems in our relationship ALL THE TIME. Instigated by me, usually. We had quite a full and frank discussion a few months ago about living apart, and how we'd do it, and he seemed quite taken by the idea - suggesting where he could go and how he could sublet other rooms in the house. Then we stacked the dishwasher and went to bed. The next morning it felt a bit wierd and scary, we were lovely to eachother, and by the evening we'd agreed we were starting again.

I know in my heart it's not normal to have conversations like this..

quietlysuggests ahh, you're shattering my illusion now. I've spent the last 6 years convincing myself that relationships need hard work, all those things you said. I know exactly where my soulmate is. Although when I met him again last year he'd put on a considerable amount of weight and I wasn't physically attracted to him (and still can't get over his rejection all that time ago). Superficial, me? Looks that way.

How old are you?dont answer if you dont want to.Not sure how much relevance it is in your case.
Do you think you love him?
Do you think he loves you?

rightfedup advise away! I am so envious of other couples who seem to have perfect relationships, and feel so alone with my thoughts. I feel like I must be the only one in the world going through this, and sometimes think it might be easier if he was abusive (I apologise if this is disrespectful to those who face the real horrors of domestic abuse) because at least then I'd have a valid reason to walk away. I have few close friends, and have only touched on some of this stuff - it seems to scare the crap out of them; they know the implications are too big, and probably don't want to feel like they've steered me down a course of action.

On another note, I don't think I actually want another relationship. The idea of being single feels positively liberating, if not incredibly sad.

And thinking about the concept of soulmates - apart from the ex (rose tinted glasses there, obviously) I am not sure I could have another soulmate. I don't even have a close friend on my wavelength who I can really confide to, although I have plenty of friends and an active social life.

Thanks for the responses. Seeing it all written down is scary, but it is a relief to talk, too.

million I am nearly 37, he is 40.
He says he loves me, I say I love him.
The truth is, I care for him immensely. He is a kind and gentle man. We have a huge shared history, a very strong shared interest (which I won't reveal as it would be too easy to identify me in RL) We have been through so much together. I know he cares for me in the same way. We have the same values for our children, and ourselves. I would be so fucking sad to give up on him, and our family.

But, to steal an observation from another thread, he doesn't make me belly laugh. Conversations are a struggle, and don't flow naturally. We are fundamentally incompatible. (He is a hoarder and hugely messy. I am an aspiring minimalist, or example). I feel like these are the best years of my life, and I am growing in confidence and ambition, but he is dragging me down with inertia and depression.

Oh I feel like such a drama queen. We do have great sex, so that's always a bonus

Dusty you could be describing him and us. That general irritibility was him all over and it's really hard to live with. He's not a happy man in your relationship. It will adversely affect your kids because they will learn that they are a bit crap if dad snipes all the time. Mine love their dad but hate that behaviour but they are beginning to be like it too.

Why not spend some time apart - really, why not?

rightfedup honestly? Because I still feel there's something worth fighting for. And I so so so want it to work. And I've not decided what I'm doing with my career, financially I'm unstable and too tied up with him (would not want to rock the boat until I'd sorted finances).

And ultimately, the thought of giving up on it all and destroying the family home, essentially just because he's a moody git, chills me to the bone.

On reading recent posts I'd say you would need to get really good counselling from a proper therapist before you decide whether to split or not. I think you might have regrets later if you don't feel you'd both tried your best.

Also, you may both benefit as individuals - my and my DH have. He had an affair and even if we do end up splitting, we like ourselves and each other a lot better now. Go for a good one though.

Thanks rightfedup I've tried that twice before. Years ago (before we broke up) we tried Relate, he just kinda sat there and didn't say much - the sessions felt pretty pointless so we called quits and separated anyway. The second time, I went to a counsellor - a couple of years ago - and talked all about him and she suggested he sounded like he had depression. That prompted him going to GP and getting anti-Ds, which he was on for 2 years. I don't really feel like I want to go back down that route, to be honest.

ALSO, if we did split up, there's no way I'd stay up here (his neck of the woods) - I'd want to move back down south - 400 miles away, which feels a crap thing to do for the kids. But I really don't feel at home here at all, and not confident I'd have the confidence to enforce a separation if I stayed.

I have been together with someone before where I have desperately wanted it to work but felt unease like you describe.

What strikes a chord with my experience is that you seem (like I have done in the past) to be in a relationship which never felt right in the first place if I am honest. I wonder if it is at all realistic of you to expect a relationship that never was right to become right, if you know what I mean? What do you think you'd be going back to, or working towards? Can you remember any period where you've really believed in the relationship?

When I was in aforementioned relationship we talked about problems constantly too. But that isn't right, or normal. If it's working, then you don't worry about it constantly. You might have a bad patch, sure, but constant analysis?

I read this really helpful book called 'Too good to leave, too bad to stay' by a woman called Mira Kirschenbaum. I'm not a self help book person normally, but this was just brilliant and really helped me. Counselling helped to an extent, but I feel there can be a risk with that of just overanalysing your childhood or whatever when the problem is way more simple.

I hope I'm not projecting my experience too much here BTW. Mainly, I really wanted to say sympathise.

Normally on the relationship board on MN,it turns out that the problem may be about the man.But in this case,I think the issues are maybe more to do with you and your life.Dont mean that in a bad way,but that you have itchy feet.You are feeling like soaring,whereas you see him as dragging you down.
And there are some great things in your relationship.
There are some people who live somewhat unconventionally.I,m thinking in particular of some celebrities who spend several months of the year apart,but are still married or in a long term relationship.
Might that be something that might work for you?
Also I am wondering what your childhood was like?
Were you uprooted a lot,and that is why you want the marriage and roses around the door bit.

crazyhead when I first got together with him, I remember reassuring a good friend at the time 'don't worry! It's not like I'm going to marry him or anything'. That probably tells you everything you need to know.

million I suspect you're absolutely right. I've always been quite insecure, needy I guess (I can't believe I'm admitting this in public) but it's true, attention from men = validation and acceptance. To be honest, I just wanted to have children and a happy, family home. At the time, although I knew he wasn't my soulmate, he was stable, calm (and at the time laid back), generous and kind. I hadn't been treated like that in a while. He was also financially secure, and from a well-off family.

I was brought up on the breadline, working class family with delusions of grandeur, self-employed Dad with zero business sense, always suing someone, bailiffs at the door, Mum very unhappy. Didn't fit in at school, moved primary school twice, had a major move south when I was 11, went to several schools, moved house frequently (Dad money mismanagement/house reposessed). Mum left Dad the day I finished my A-levels (I was happy, he was essentially a narcissist). So yeah, lots and lots of moving around and a background of financial insecurity..

But the roses around the door? I still believe... it must exist.. aggh!

I think for now,you need to stop looking at things outside of your self ie DP,Australia,marriage,hobbies etc.,and take a long look inseide.
Take some time to figure out first of all,what you actually want .
You could even make several lists.
One,total dream of no kids,no DP,limitless money etc
List two,a bit more realistic,kids,some money,maybe living seperate to DP but near him so kids can see him
List three,with DP,with kids,working together which may involve you all moving down south,change of jobs.
Not sure if this will help,and maybe stimulate new ideas.You could tell him what you are doing,but they need to be your ideas within yourself.And do take a few weeks over this.Let your mind be free to be creative and think things through.
Then you may want to post agaim,or you may have figured out your direction.

From your post you seem dissatisfied with more than just your relationship.

Sure you could break up, but would that help with your lack of career satisfaction and the fact that you don't like where you are living.
You sound to me like you are generally dissatisfied with your life, your relationship with your DP is only part of that.
Think very hard before you take a step that you ultimately might regret.
I would suggest counselling before you make any major decisions about anything.

I'm a grat believer in the idea that you must have one area in your life that you are really satisfied with be it carrer, family life, hobbies etc. You sound like you have no area in your life that satisfies you.

Think it over and proceed with caution.