I don't know if I'm posting in the right place, but really would like to talk to someone!

[dustyblinds]

Hi,

I don't know where to start, other than saying I feel really silly posting, and don't quite know where to start. But if I don't talk to someone I think my head will probably explode.

I guess I'll just dive right in. I'm really bloody unhappy, but I can't decide what's wrong. I have a horrible feeling it's because I'm stuck in the wrong relationship, but when I question myself I wonder whether I'm blaming my poor DP for my dissatisfaction. I

We have been together for 12 years, 2 x DDs 4 & 6.

He was a rebound fling after I ended another long-term relationship (fiance) with a guy I adored but was totally career focused and didn't want what I wanted (at that time a cottage with roses around the door and lots of babies).

I moved away a few months into aforementioned fling, fling became long-distance relationship, he moved to be with me, I lost my job, we ended up in his home town and bobsyouruncle, fling becomes relationship.

We are very different; he is verry quiet, not ambitious, we don't communicate well. We split up for a time, but (I think due to insecurities on both sides) got back together and conceived DD1.

I find it difficult to describe, as in some ways he is very hands on (I was determined not to take on the traditional stereotype) but I feel this is largely resented. We have had a poor relationship since birth of DD2 in 2008 and challenges of parenting increased. He struggled with stress/depression and was on antiD for almost 2 years, came off earlier this year.

Not to dwell on that too much (and obviously there is lots more I won't bore you with) but on the other side, I am hugely dissatisfied with, well, everything.

We are living in a part of the world I don't want to be (up North). I don't enjoy my job and never have, and despite more self-analysis than is healthy I can't figure out what I want to do with my life. I am currently self-employed and worry I have taken a step off the career ladder (not that I was on one, really - ex-public sector). I surround myself with distractions/hobbies but still don't feel fulfilled. Family life is a constant source of tension, and I just feel an overwhelming need to change things.

I feel very silly writing all this down. It feels self-indulgent and I realise I probably come across as self-obsessed and spoilt. Sometimes I tell myself I have depression, because I can't think of any other explanation for this constant 'searching' I find myself doing, yet I never find resolution.

I fantasise about leaving my partner frequently, yet I also want to get married. Despite proposing to me years ago (during our split - I refused at the time) I would like to get married, but he now absolutely refuses until things are better between us. I want a stable, happy family home. I realise marriage won't make that so, but find it difficult to accept that he doesn't want to marry me. Most times I think he doesn't even like me, and resents being caught up in the domesticity that two young children (now with added puppy!) brings. I think I see marriage as stability, and feel quite volatile at the moment.

Sorry for such an unwieldy post. I don't know what I'm asking, really, just felt the need to get this crap out of my head.

grat =great carrer = career

Hi Dusty

It sounds like you have feelings of guilt about what you know and feel, which leads in to denial, because you know the answer to your questins already.

its ok to feel this way, if you were to accept these thoughts and feelings as the truth, you might find you have a clearer path to take.

questins=questions sorry

Oldwoman has got this spot on I think.

I don't think leaving would solve much for you at this time point. You don't like your job and have little money, so even moving down South would not solve these issues, you would be a badly off single parent, without the help and support (which your husband does provide) of the children's father, moreover, it would be terrible to take them 400 miles away because you are basically a bit dissatisfied with a life you freely chose, when he's a pretty good dad who is 'hands on'. So, the best thing for the children would be to stay in the North near him, even if not with him- which you don't want to do.

Going to Australia with a man and a life you don't like is frankly bonkers.

However, there are other alternatives: getting a more interesting job, living apart but close by, a change of mind-set which will happen naturally and so on.

I'm not sure if you should stay together in the long-term, but you do have many things going for you that others don't have, such as great sex (and attraction presumably) after 12 years, and a solid division of labour around the household. I wonder if some of the other stuff could be worked on- like doing activities together rather than talking stuff if you are not great coversationalists. Or accept your husband isn't a great talker and make an effort to chat once a week to a different friend on the phone/go for a night out, so that these 'needs' are met.

There are a very few people who feel all their needs are met by one person. My husband is my soul-mate but even he doesn't meet all my needs, all the time.

I think you sound bored and bored people get quite destructive. Rather than do lots of little things, I would seek out a career path that will keep you busy and interested for the next 30 years or however long we will all have to work. Then, if you have worked on your relationship, and the rest of your life is rewarding, and you still don't want to be with your husband, move on.

But change for changes sake doesn't always produce the desired result.

I'd wait to see if this is a mid-life crisis; if you are still here in a year/two years time, you have your answer.

Another vote for counselling here - counselling that focuses on you, not your shared relationship or your partner's depression, but on you and who you are. Or who you think you are, and why, and where those ideas come from. Often they were shaped by things that happened a long time ago, and I've found it enormously helpful to recognise that and think about whether those ideas are still useful or even relevant to who and where you are now. It's bloody hard work, and you have to really want to do it, but if you find the right counsellor/therapist It's truly worth it. Whatever you do next it will then be with a better understanding of yourself, and how you relate to people and situations, and that's got to be good, no?

How long were you with your ex for dusty?

I'm wondering if this dissatisfaction with your life/relationship is because you have gone from one long term relationship to another without doing all the things you thought you should be
doing now.

I wouldn't say you were flighty.
I would say you've always been part of a couple for a long time so you have always put other peoples feelings and expectations alongside your own.

You want to do what you feel you should have done when you were younger but tied yourself down out of a sense of guilt/duty/insecurity.

I went from one long term relationship to another throughout my late teens and twenties. As I approached 30 I freaked out and fantasized about being on my own with DC. I realised it was because I was unhappy in my relationship with DC's father.

I'm not sure what advice I'm trying to give you really. It's a lot harder when you have children but I will never forget my father asking me if I still wanted to feel like this in 5 years time.

I knew there and then that I couldn't go on like it so I ended the relationship.

One other thing I would like to ask is about your ex. You mentioned him in a few of your posts.
Have you never really got over him? Maybe you feel this way towards your DP because your still holding onto hope that you will reunite with the ex?

Correct me if I'm wrong.

dustyblinds
sorry you are going through this. i have just read your whole thread. something just struck a chord with me that i had forgotten about. The comment "dont worry its not like i am going to marry him"... i did that too, we did marry after a long time, had ds and are just divorced now.. it was a kind of "none" relationship. 13 yrs too. took me 2 yrs to make the decision to go for divorce (after 2 yrs separation) and a lot of heartache. Im trying to find myself now but other recent events caused a blip for me

Oh forgot to add....you also mention about career etc and thinking it might be to do with the way you feel about DP.

IME? I'm with a man I adore now, my career has gone tots up and I'm stuck in a job I hate. We have fuck all money, he has a very stressful job and I have a lot of family issues going on.

But none of this changes or affects the way I feel about him. We do have ups and downs like any normal couple but I never question my feelings for him. I did with my ex though, I KNEW I didn't want to be with him for the rest of my life, I just didn't want to admit it.

Oh bollocks. I just wrote a reply the length of War and Peace, but forgot to login before posting and have lost the lot. Will go and make a cuppa before recomposing..

OK. The edited version of War & Peace =
Thank you, you are all lovely, generous people for taking the time to reply. I have NEVER articulated much of this shit to anyone. It has all been in my head, churning away, for years.

AtleastthatswhatyouSaid You perceptive lady, you. I met my ex the day after I finished A-levels, was engaged by 19 (my suggestion) was with him until I was 25, met my now DP.

There is SO much stuff I wanted to do with my life but didn't. Was too reliant on male attention for validation/feelings of self-worth. Didn't have the balls or money to travel. No ambition. Was a real homebird and just wanted to settle down with ex-P and have babies.

Fingerbobs that had never occurred to me! But seriously, I would be broke, and am not convinced I'd ever reach a conclusion or way forward. I would definitely love to do it, though..

Mumsy yeah, Australia was a stupid idea. That was yesterday's reason to get excited at least. Career focus is something I need, but sadly I can't find - and comes down to exactly what million said - I am pretty sure I'm probably dissatisfied (I wonder somethimes if this is this depression) but it's about me, and not having found my purpose in life. I have more self-help books than is healthy. I've done career profiling, personality profiling, Myers Briggs X million (ENTJ is latest, but changes every time I do it). I never knew what I wanted to do at school, and at 36, I still don't know.

This doesn't feel like a very articulate post, but thank you for your input, I really appreciate it.. my puppy has escaped upstairs so I must go!

oldwoman, therein lies my quandry exactly! Am I dissatisfied because of my less than perfect relationship, or in spite of it? How do I find out, without splitting us up and trying? I really am filling my life with distractions at the moment, and it's not really achieving anything other than making me feel quite exhausted, and feeling guilty for the lack of love/time I'm investing in my family.

Ooh, forgot to mention, Mumsy, our 'mutual hobby' is the one thing that really keeps us going (well, me at least) and it's the time where we click perfectly and are completely in tune with eachother. It's also how we met. But sadly, there are limited opportunities to do said hobby up here. It is the one factor which I think would sway him to move down south, but without securing new jobs etc, I think it is unlikely to happen.

Rather than concentrating on what's wrong about him, and whats wrong about you and what's wrong when you're together...what do you need from him? What does he need from you? Do either of you know?

If you can't provide what the other person needs and get what you need from them or aren't prepared to try , then the fundamental structure of a relationship is weak.

I also think women have a huge tendency to over think things and expect things to be perfect

Thanks cybbo I know what you mean. I'm resigned to our communication challenges now. My objective - which I made a year or so ago - I'm not all-consumed with having a soulmate relationship which sets my heart on fire. I just want one where we don't fight and live together peacefully and amicably. And that he is generally happy, rather than angry and resentful of family life. To give you an idea - he has on more than one occasion got up in the morning muttering 'what's the point in life'. I find that outlook on life difficult to manage, especially with two healthy, spirited girls running around!

He needs to know how it makes you feel when he talks like that and how it makes it harder for you to love him

What's his view of you?

cybbo he knows. I have explained, unemotionally and when he is in a neutral mood. I gently point it out when it is happening, sometimes. I try and diffuse with a hug, or I try and jolly him out of it. Most times I just ignore it, and try to be the positive one, or remove whatever stress is causing his bad temper (if he's cross because he can't find something, for example).

I don't know how he feels about me. In angry moments, he looks at me like he despises me, and any request to do simple stuff is met with a tense, hostile response (WHAT Dusty?) But in calmer moments (i.e. when kids have gone to bed) he is more relaxed and says he knows I'm just trying to get stuff done. I am not sure he's attracted to me anymore. Most of the time I don't think he really likes me at all. Yet when we do have big heart-to-hearts he says he wants us to stay together, he loves me, does want to be part of a family.

It doesn't add up, and I feel I've got nowhere left to go in terms of helping manage the impact his moods have on the family. We can go from big heart to heart the night before to exactly the same behaviour the following day. It feels at the moment like he's saying this is how he is, and we all have to live with it.

I just don't know at what point you draw the line and say 'this is unacceptable'.

Can I ask a couple of questions.
Do you think that if you left your DP,that in a quite short space of time you may be with another man who may also be a bit unsuitable for you?
And if you gave up your current job,and got another,that you might soon be discontent with that one too?
I am not trying to be mean,or inferring anything,I am just wondering whether that would ultimately be the case.
What do you think?

Hi million, thanks for asking challenging questions

If I left DP, I have absolutely no desire to be with another man (not to live with one, at least!) I think I would just enjoy the freedom of living on my own, without his mess and clutter (and bad moods).

RE jobs - I left a job I hated (voluntary redundancy) had some time off (my dad was ill and passed away last year) and the job I am now doing is different in that it is a slightly different sector, but the work is very similar (business cases, reports, funding, reading strategies, performance management). I don't like it.

I want a job where I can 'do' something. Running a cafe has been a little pipe dream of mine. I'm an organiser, I think, rather than a writer, thinker or strategist. Although I can do the latter, it's just so dull.

But yes, I wonder sometimes if I have issues..

Gosh OP - I could have written your post and your subsequent replies - even down to the ages of the children.

I don't know what the answer is and what has already been written is v.insightful - can't really add more.

I guess I just wanted wonder out loud if this is more common than we think - i.e. a general malaise with life or the fear that we are plodding through a life half lived...

sheeesh really? That's fab! Well, it's not, obviously, but I've never met anyone remotely like me before. Everyone I meet seems to be largely sorted and enjoying a generally happy family life. I exhaust myself turning to new things every 5 minutes in an effort to find myself.

Are you finding resolution in anything?

Running and meditation although I find with meditation I get to a point where I start to "resist" even though I know it helps me. It's almost as though I don't want to move forward even though I really do.

I sometimes think of it as self sabotage or fear of success

I've been thinking about a comment you made in one of your posts dusty.
You said you would find it easier if he was abusive in someway so you had a reason to walk away (by the way I'm not judging you for that comment, I know what you mean)
I had a similar thought about my ex, I used to think if I found out he had cheated (not that he gave me any reason to believe he was) that would be my excuse to end it. Like my decision would be made for me. It's mad looking back now!

Also with the fantasy of being on my own. First I started looking in the local paper at rental properties, then it moved onto how I wanted to decorate it. Exactly like I wanted. Then it moved onto how I would financially support myself and DC. Before I knew it I had it all planned but I still wouldn't leave. We had the same conversations, one minute agreeing things were not working then agreeing to try again and acting as though everything was fine the next day.

I think you know deep down what you want but your afraid of the next step.

So how long did it take you to end it eventually, atleastthatswhatyousaid? I'm just starting to think about finances now, they are horribly complicated and mixed up.

sheesh how funny, I'm a runner too. Actually that's my biggest distraction at the moment!

Sounds to me like you need some time for yourself. If he's prepared to do what it makes to make it work, great. But sometimes couples just lose that thing that made them a good match to begin with. Being a good partner on paper is not enough, there has to be something behind it too

Does he feel he just has to wait until you've sorted your head out? What practical positive changes is he prepared to make?

cybbo he clams shut if I try and discuss marriage. If pressed he will say it's something he would like to consider, but only when things have improved between us. FWIW I realise how ridiculous I am to pursue the need to get married - but I do feel hurt that he won't, despite knowing how important it is to me (I had always said I only wanted children if married, but relented, obviously).

Arguably we still have lots of fun doing our shared activity. It makes us come alive. But don't get to do enough of it, unfortunately.

To be honest I don't know what he's feeling, other than the obvious. That's the most frustrating thing about it all. Heart to hearts are led by me and he contributes barely anything to the discussion, other than saying he doesn't want to split up, he'll try and make more of an effort, or he's doing his best.

I would say the only practical positive changes recently have come from both of us, i.e earlier bedtime, less time online and better routine in the morning so we get kids to school on time with a margin of tidying up. That in part is due to the new routine since getting the puppy, though, which although we discussed fully beforehand he now seems to resent.