I don't know if I'm posting in the right place, but really would like to talk to someone!

[dustyblinds]

Hi,

I don't know where to start, other than saying I feel really silly posting, and don't quite know where to start. But if I don't talk to someone I think my head will probably explode.

I guess I'll just dive right in. I'm really bloody unhappy, but I can't decide what's wrong. I have a horrible feeling it's because I'm stuck in the wrong relationship, but when I question myself I wonder whether I'm blaming my poor DP for my dissatisfaction. I

We have been together for 12 years, 2 x DDs 4 & 6.

He was a rebound fling after I ended another long-term relationship (fiance) with a guy I adored but was totally career focused and didn't want what I wanted (at that time a cottage with roses around the door and lots of babies).

I moved away a few months into aforementioned fling, fling became long-distance relationship, he moved to be with me, I lost my job, we ended up in his home town and bobsyouruncle, fling becomes relationship.

We are very different; he is verry quiet, not ambitious, we don't communicate well. We split up for a time, but (I think due to insecurities on both sides) got back together and conceived DD1.

I find it difficult to describe, as in some ways he is very hands on (I was determined not to take on the traditional stereotype) but I feel this is largely resented. We have had a poor relationship since birth of DD2 in 2008 and challenges of parenting increased. He struggled with stress/depression and was on antiD for almost 2 years, came off earlier this year.

Not to dwell on that too much (and obviously there is lots more I won't bore you with) but on the other side, I am hugely dissatisfied with, well, everything.

We are living in a part of the world I don't want to be (up North). I don't enjoy my job and never have, and despite more self-analysis than is healthy I can't figure out what I want to do with my life. I am currently self-employed and worry I have taken a step off the career ladder (not that I was on one, really - ex-public sector). I surround myself with distractions/hobbies but still don't feel fulfilled. Family life is a constant source of tension, and I just feel an overwhelming need to change things.

I feel very silly writing all this down. It feels self-indulgent and I realise I probably come across as self-obsessed and spoilt. Sometimes I tell myself I have depression, because I can't think of any other explanation for this constant 'searching' I find myself doing, yet I never find resolution.

I fantasise about leaving my partner frequently, yet I also want to get married. Despite proposing to me years ago (during our split - I refused at the time) I would like to get married, but he now absolutely refuses until things are better between us. I want a stable, happy family home. I realise marriage won't make that so, but find it difficult to accept that he doesn't want to marry me. Most times I think he doesn't even like me, and resents being caught up in the domesticity that two young children (now with added puppy!) brings. I think I see marriage as stability, and feel quite volatile at the moment.

Sorry for such an unwieldy post. I don't know what I'm asking, really, just felt the need to get this crap out of my head.

When DD was one, we were due to move house. I considered staying in the old house and letting him move on his own. I did love him though and having a young child made me want to make it work. Looking back now I don't think I loved him like my first love. He's not a bad person but it just didn't feel like the kind of love to want to spend my life with him. I always knew we would split one day. I don't know why, I think maybe we were too different. By the way we also had the same values on how to bring DD up. Still do and we now get along really well now we are apart.

Anyway getting back to the question, I moved with him to a different town. It lasted another 18mths or so.

People used to say to me about the grass isn't always greener. I used to think anything was better than this feeling.
Don't get me wrong, I had a few wobbles after I left. One minute I felt relieved then I questioned if I did the right thing.

He was my friend as well as my partner so I missed him even though I didn't want to be with him. When I heard he met someone else I felt jealous even though I didn't want him. Very confusing at the time.

I'm so glad I finally did it though. He is too. It was a constant battle to make it work. We had outgrown each other. He is very happy with his partner and new baby, I'm really happy with my DP. I met him about 2 years after the ex. I knew I needed to be on my own for a while. It was the best decision for me after jumping from one relationship to the next. It helped me understand what I really wanted. With the ex we had a lovely home, money, holidays etc. I was still unhappy

Now? No money to spare, haven't had a holiday in years but I love DP and DC more than anything. I feel very lucky.

atleast that's an inspiring story. How is your relationship with your ex now?

I get on really well with his family, and dread the thought of alienating myself from them all.

We have had a discussion tonight, so we will see if anything changes. I think I probably need to go back to the drawing board and decide what I want from life in the meantime, like millions suggested.

While you are thinking about what you want from life,I am wondering if you,and your DP [because he said about what is the point of life when he gets up in the morning] should also consider your spiritual side.
I'm not saying that should be a new hobby,but a part of your lives that you maybe have not put much thought to.

Had a rethink about my own post!
I am wondering if part of your problem may be to do with roots.
People who have moved around a lot,or and have had disrupted childhoods can often feel a bit rootless.Hence maybe your want of roses around the door,and marriage.And hence why you always have a vague feeling of restlessness.
Being part of a community,belonging to a church,belonging to groups can help give people a sense of belonging and roots.

If its any consolation. I split up with DD's dad in 06 he started a relationship with one of the nicest ladies you could ever meet. DD has lived with them since, I'm in very regular contact and I pay maintenance happily for DD to be brought up in a normal loving family with her new DBro.
I'm getting married to my DDDF in under a month DD adores him and DD has 4 adults who love her and bring her up in agreement.

Fuck I'm lucky.

Can happen though.

PM me if I can help x

million I have reflected on that. I envy the support, meaning and community people can find in religion. But I am beyond atheist, and he is indifferent.

I do wonder about meditation, though. And I know we both feel a real lack of community engagement too. I was brought up in a little cornish village with a shop, pub and community centre - everyone knew everyone and it was a vibrant, thriving (if rural) community. Here, our neighbours are mostly elderly, and we're all so busy, no-one spends time with anyone.

I think that's something about the state of modern life for many people at the moment though, and I do feel that's where religion can play such a big part.

Morning dusty!

How's my relationship with my ex now?
Brilliant! Now.
When we first split we were both upset so were very understanding of each other. After a month or two we started arguing. Alot. We were together longer than we should have been really, we started to rub each other up the wrong way. Anyway overtime things got easier, we still wanted what was best for DD and understood that for her to be happy we had to get on. It didn't happen over night but we eventually became friends again. We spend DD's birthdays together, partners included. I went to the school sports day with his partner. We still disagree on some things but we talk about it instead of argue.

His partner is lovely and my ex seems to really like my DP. More than he likes me actually!

I've been thinking about rebounds since reading this thread. I've done it, infact ex was definitely a rebound from my first love. I've watched family members and friends rebound after relationships.
IMO rebounds are with people you wouldn't normally go for in a million years. Not saying we choose bad people but people who we know are not right for us. It's attention. Attention we didn't get at the end of the last relationship. If your feeling insecure you cling onto that person and ignore the red flags even though you know deep down that person is not right for you.

I think I jumped from one relationship to the next because my own father was absent from my life. He popped up now and again but always left at some point. My DM's view of men is bad. She's never had a real relationship since my father, 25yrs ago. She thinks they are all pigs. I think that has something to do with it. I had no idea of what a happy relationship was like so I settled for someone who was being nice, he didnt hit me or cheat on me so I thought it was a healthy relationship. I was still unhappy though.

You mentioned your parents relationship, your childhood etc.
That struck a chord with me. It's a discussion I had with DP recently. His upbringing was very similar to mine, mother living hand to mouth, struggling with money. Literally no money. Fuck up fathers. We both seeked relationships with people who on the outside looked like they had our dream childhood, people who we thought had the happy life we craved. We believed that if we were with someone like that our own children would have the life we didn't. It was only when you become part of that family you realise it was all a front. My ex and first loves parents had unhappy marriages, lovely homes and money but the wives were miserable. Same with DP's ex.

Was this part of the attraction to your DP? As you mentioned he was financially secure. You wanted a different life to the one you knew?

By the way I don't think its shallow so I'm not judging you. I did it. I just think you really need to think what it was that attracted you to your DP in the beginning, be honest with yourself. If it was the stability he provided you do need to work on yourself before you make the decision to stay or go. If it was him and the man he is that attracted you then you really do have something to stay for.

Argh I can't stay away from this thread! As RightFedUp said, its like talking to my younger self.

With regards to your ex, yes yes it is rose tinted glasses. After I split with DD's father I saw my first love out one night. We spoke indepth about our relationship, we reminisced about the good times. I remember feeling like that teenager again, thought I still loved him. By the way he broke up with me, I adored him. He was similar to your ex but rather than career focused it was money, money, money. He dreamed of big houses, fast cars. Getting those things by quick money making schemes. I wanted those things too but I also wanted security and marriage and kids.

It's all coming back to me now! Anyway after that night we spoke I was driving myself insane, thinking I'd never really got over him. A few weeks later I saw him again, he told me he felt exactly the same. Do you know what though? I could have gone home with him that night but I chose to stay and have fun with my mates. I thought no way am I going to cut short a great night out for a bloke anymore. I put myself first for a change. I'm so glad I did. The third time I saw him all those feeling were gone. It was strange. It's was like I finally had closure, I realised he hadn't really changed. I had changed though. I was no longer that teenager, I was a woman and a mother.

I think what I'm trying to say is that what you might be feeling about your ex is your young carefree, teenage self. First loves are intense. You want that same feeling again and because you didn't have that with your DP you keep looking back.

Taking time out of a relationship did me the world of good. While I love my DP to bits and want to spend the rest of my life with him, im not naive about it. I'm not afraid to be on my own anymore, I've done it with my DD, I could do it again. I'm with DP because I'm happy with him but I'm realistic and know that anything could happen between us. Because I'm a stronger person than I was before I'm more honest with how I feel and why.

Just stopping by as have kitchen full of kids, puppy and paint, but just wanted to say thank you for all your lovely replies (again!) I was just reflecting that the good thing about posting here is the continuing debate beyond one evening of crisis! Too often I have a tearful night of self reflection then continue with life until the next time.

Atleast thanks for sharing your story, it's really really helpful to hear the experience and perspective of others. I do think there are some differences wrt the ex story, in that I have probably been through the 'I want to reignite my love for my ex' stage and have come out safely on the other side. I do think though, that reflecting on the dynamic between us (humour, shared perspective, conversation, intellect and approach to life generally) it does shine a light on the failings on my current relationship, even if I don't want to jump into bed with my ex (which I definitely don't). He is also at the pinnacle of his career (scientist) so I do accept there is a level of respect/adoration from my point of view, but like I said, I think I have moved on from wanting to relive the past.

I also think that there's truth in what everyone says re looking for those things in a relationship which were lacking at home/with previous partner. My ex ended up becoming very remote as he got absorbed in university life (he career changed a few years after we met) and I think he detached as it became obvious he was heading in a different direction. My current DP (the fling!) was refreshing in that he was far less uptight, great fun, affectionate, and above all shared the passion for our 'hobby'. I will admit it was only later I realised he was well off, and that emotional and financial stability and sense of family (DP comes from large, close family, exDP did not know his dad and was raised by his aunt as his mum till he found out truth at 18). So yes, as the years ticked on DP moved from fun distraction to father material; he was also great with kids and generally very paternal.

I don't know where I'm going with this conversation, and really must get kids upstairs.. but THANK YOU for indulging me with this self analysis. So far you guys are streets ahead of my RL friends in terms of practical support and challenging questions!

Oh fucking hell. Reading back on my last post I have to confess clearly I'm not over my ex at all, no matter how much I rationalise it to myself (although I am not sexually attracted to him anymore and this was one area which was never particularly great when we were together).

Yes I do think 'there's what you could have won'.

When I first met him, I remember bursting through the door and declaring to my mum and best friend that 'I had found the man I wanted to marry'.

I never stopped feeling like that, and totally adored him. In many respects I still do. He is insightful and clever and a scientist and geeky and makes me laugh out loud. I would have followed him to the ends of the world (he knew that) and only ended it when the rejection was so obviously painful I couldn't ignore it any more (I told him I wanted to spend more time with me, I remember he matter of factly told me he could see me every other Thursday evening and one Sunday afternoon twice a month).

When I met him last year we were the best of friends. You know that feeling when you haven't physically seen someone for the best part of 15 years but it feels like yesterday.

I really really don't want my ex back. But I would love to feel a smidgen of that desire/engagement for my current DP, who flounces around the house in a permanent state of depression and needs written instructions to make a cup of tea.

See, now I'm being REALLY horrible, since the truth is DP spent the day with DD2 today, and I've discovered he made home-made strawberry icecream with her (with real strawberries) and painting and craft, and cleared up after himself. He really is not all bad.

Pass the gin, please

Dusty your last post is exactly what I tried failed to explain

I picked up on this from the very few times you mentioned your ex. Without meaning to, you compared them.

You articulated your feeling towards your DP compared to your Ex a hell of a lot better than I did.

atleast I must have had a random moment of lucidity.. lucideness? erm..

So, to sum up:

1. I probably have self esteem issues which stem from my childhood
2. I have unreasonably high expectations of relationship due to rose-tinted image of my first love stuck in my little brain
3. I'm probably making my partner miserable
4. It's a bad role model for the DC
5. I should probably grow a pair of balls and leave.

I need and/or possibly if not and more

Does your DP have any idea why he is depressed?
It may have nothing to do with family life.

I'm not sure, million. If it's not caused by family life it has certainly become the focus for it! He had counselling a couple of years ago (at the start of his anti-D treatment) but didn't find it insightful or constructive.

My view is he's naturally a follower, is not a self-starter, waits for life to happen to him rather than embracing it, not ambitious, very much sits in my shadow (socially) and has barely any of his own friends and seems to place no value in cultivating friendships, is extremely quiet so very difficult conversationally (and has a stutter) and I think has quite low self-esteem as a result of this. Comes from a very loud, big family where most of the choices were made for him by overbearing matriach without much respect for his personality (gifted academically but pressured to apply for scholarships etc.)

He was 'depressed' before having children, generally frustrated with being on the treadmill (yet couldn't/wouldn't take steps to identify issues and change). I remember him mentioning his ex-GF also thought he was depressed (didn't work for several years). He also has a history of recreational drug use (cocaine, ecstasy and more recently MDMA? can't remember what it's called and mushrooms) but basically would always talk about wanting to take stuff when he was fed up with life, which I didn't support obviously. It seemed like escapism to me.

So yeah, I am not convinced what we're currently going through is all due to family pressures, but it does certainly seem to have become the overall focus as what's stopping him 'getting on with his life', as he puts it.