Feeling a bit mmmmm on this subject

[lolaflores]

I am a SAHM. Got chronic back problems and hip. Husband has a new job which want him to go and work away for 3 nights a week but it is difficult given my lack of mobility.
Suddenly company willing to pay for treatment. all sorts of solutions coming out of cupboard. Prior to this was on NHS and waiting months for treatment.
I feel a bit chippy about it as my pain was my problem till it got in the way of his job. have talked about it, explained how I feel. Think I sound like an ungrateful bitch but at the same time sort of livestock or something.
Or just the powerlessness of things somethimes

welcome to the Big Society - where people with money and power have the right to patronise you, but people with pain and problems don't have the right to treatment.

It is a bit wrong then isn't it? That I can sit around in desperate pain until it becomes an obstacle to his career, night and day in significant pain. No answers. Then, "hello, look at this".
Feel very much like saying fuck off, will take my chances on the NHS and am not especially bothered how that impacts you sunshine.
I am an ungrateful bitch amn;t I

No no your not you sound hurt and confused at his sudden change in getting you help , I would feel exactly the same , sorry this is not a more positive outcome for you, but to look on the positive , when you can get your head round it , do you want to keep suffering with back pains, when as you say the last gasp there is a solution albeit one that sticks in your throat, I think you might be cutting off your nose to spite your face if you did not take the treatment, but that is your and only your decision to make, all the best .

Did your DH know there were other possible solutions available?
I can see why you are feeling a bit meh.
On the plus side,you may get help with your pains.

When I encounter the NHS nowadays,and if I meet an obstacle,I always say to the GP "and what would you do if you were in my situation".It can be surprising what they come up with.

Depends on what way you look at it. Tbh why should your dhs employer pay for your medical treatment? They could have told your husband that he MUST work away 3 nights. Its new job they could have attached any stipulations and not offered any help.
They are trying to make life easier for both of you and them. Sounds win-win to me. As its a new job how quickly did you expect them to provide medical care for you.
I get the way you are looking at it, but that's going to make you miserable and in pain longer. Which would be a lose- lose situation for all.
I wish dhs company had provided me with medical care.

I can see that it's upsetting that there are options which suddenly become available when money can be thrown at the problem, which you couldn't have before. But it's not the responsibility of your husband's work to pay out for medical treatments for you (or even for him) unless they happened to have a medical insurance scheme for staff which covers it.

They are a business - they will invest some money in improving this situation because it's going to be worth it for them. Yes that's a bit hard-hearted, but they do not operate to improve the world, just to make a profit. It's like they no doubt pay for training courses for your husband which will help him do his job, and for hotel and travel costs for the role he's moving to - they see it as necessary costs to achieve something that is important to the business as a whole.

Who cares at the end of the day where the treatment comes from, if it helps then its a bonus isn't it and if the company want to pay for it so DH can work when they want then thats fine really.

He did know about the improved t&c's re health care but the offer from the company is new and is solely because of his necessity to work away for 3 nights a week.
It is a buisness decision at heart. I know he would be happy that I am not in pain. it just seems from his point too that the imperative is about his work in the rush to get it sorted. I am being ungrateful I know, but that is how I feel at the moment. I would like to be better too but because it would improve my quality of life and not simply to enable him. Curmudgeonly of me.

It sounds to me like it's not so muhc his work's attitude that you have a problem with, but his. Did he not want to support/suggest/help as much before? Until it became something that (directly) affected him?

I think you are over thinking it.

Your DH is obviously a very highly valued member of staff, and in an effort to facilitate his working away they are prepared to provide a non-standard improved health care option for you, his wife.

In normal circumstances you would not have received it.

HoW is this a bad thing? It isn't a case of his work coming first, or him not being there for you, it is a case of a company actually showing a little compassion and understanding for an employee's home circumstances. Fairly rare that is the real world.

I don't really get why you are upset about this, unless both you and your H previously had strong principles WRT objecting to private health care. Is that the issue? Because otherwise, it is a good offer from an employer who obviously values your H as an employee if they are prepared to pay out for healthcare for his family.

I just don't understand you, OP.

Surely it's a good thing that the company is spending money on your health care? So what if it's because they want him to work away? They could have told him it was non-negotiable that he worked away and he'd either be away or on the dole.

And of course he wants your suffering to stop. Of course he does. And of course it impacts his life too; it's unreasonable to think only the person suffering with pain is the one with a problem.

imperial yes, it does impact everyone and because of that I am glad of the offer so that it improves everything all round. But as elephant said before, there was not so much of a rush from DH until it was directly obstructing him i.e. he would not be able to do this with me as I currently am. There are facilities through private health but he kept putting off finding out about the t&c's from his HR. Or not giving me the info to get stuck into it with. With his new job there is more extensive cover, but he has done nothing to help me access that. He has not shown me any of the paper work,, promises to get it sorted but it just kept going on the long digit.
I am as many have rightly pointed out aware of this as a blessing and that it is because he is such a valued member of staff. The health issue makes me feel like a useless lump anyway and I don;t want to be in his way. Just going in circles with this really.

I understand what she is trying to say,I think
That DH and to some extent the company[though not personally,but in a business way],see her in a way as a business hurdle to be overcome ,so that DH can carry on earning money for the company.That is how she a bit feels like a piece of meat.
The potential outcome is very good indeed,but it is how she is sort of traded that is the issue for the op.Hope I havent put words in your mouth op.

somewhat x posted with you op

i think you need to have a word with your DH about exactly why he didnt go into it all before with you.

Sorry, lola, I hadn't understood what you meant.

So he could have sorted out private healthcare at no cost to either of you but didn't bother until it directly affected him? If that's the case then he is vile.

million & imperial yeah, I am a hurdle to be overcome. This is not about the quality of my life, the essence of it is his potential to the company.
He works in a male dominated engineering world, high divorce rate. this may be the very fucking reason why.
I asked him what if I had an equally as demanding job (like before babanoo arrived) and he was asked to do this?
Answer
Not likely to happen.
I shall get the treatment, get a dirty fuck off job that means me being as tied up as he is and then shove that son.

Now I going to be contrversial.I have read on here,and somewhat seen it in RL,that people in that sort of industry are a bit notorious. for being a bit lacking in empathy.
I dont think your real issue is with the company.And I hope the way I put it does not stick in your mind.Now I have reread it,perhaps I could have written it in a less harsh way.
But your DH should have pursued and investigated your health issues with the HR department much more vigourously.
I am trying to be so careful how I put this.He needs to focus on you better than he focuses on work.If you put it to him like that,and you may have to repeatedly remind him,it may open his eyes.

I call him Binary Boy. When we had our DD, I was sure her first words would sound like a fax machine.

He needs to be constantly reminded of the existence of life outside work. Sometimes he is exhausting in this respect. The robotic aspect of him is not all of what there is to him but is frustrating.

I must say lolaflores, at first I couldn't see where you're coming from. Hope you don't mind me saying this. But I'd jump at the treatment if it would improve things. But the last post. I can see you don't want your husband to work away. I wouldn't like mine to on a regular basis. He has had to go abroad only a couple of times and that was bad enough.

But a lot of women have jobs where they have to work away from home. I knew somebody who was an auditor visiting companies for an audit and staying in hotels and she had to find a different branch of that when she had children. Well she didn't have to I suppose but she did. But I can see you feel you are being manipulated and this isn't a nice feeling. See what others say.

thanks for understanding. he has travelled alot in the last 5 years. Spent 10 days in Oz when DD was 2 months old. then working away most of the week for nearly a year. i knew this when we got married but thought he would notice that parenthood changes shit. He wants it all I suppose and sees this as a marvellous offer for all the right reasons and still be amazed why i aren't turning cartwheels. manipulated is right

Most companies offer private healthcare to enable their employees (and families in some cases) can continue to be more effective at work and not have the constraints of NHS waiting lists for some treatments.
However the NHS pull out all the stops for major emergencies ie heart attacks etc

just yeah and a two tier system sticks in my craw. Though my problem is that I am getting treatment in a quicker way not because of crisis but because it is impeding my husbands work demands.