Feeling a bit mmmmm on this subject

[lolaflores]

I am a SAHM. Got chronic back problems and hip. Husband has a new job which want him to go and work away for 3 nights a week but it is difficult given my lack of mobility.
Suddenly company willing to pay for treatment. all sorts of solutions coming out of cupboard. Prior to this was on NHS and waiting months for treatment.
I feel a bit chippy about it as my pain was my problem till it got in the way of his job. have talked about it, explained how I feel. Think I sound like an ungrateful bitch but at the same time sort of livestock or something.
Or just the powerlessness of things somethimes

lolaflores,there was a rather controversial thread that you might find interesting about 4 months ago.I will see if I can find it for you.i think it was called something like IT brain,but I think it also discussed people in the engineering industry.

million I wold be very interested in reading that. He is not aspergers or any of that, just does not get shit.
We went for a break to Venice. Me fully expecting "the question". Not a dickey bird. He gets back to work, there is a "Congratulations on your engagement Card" on his desk. Even the office were expecting him to do it.
I freak him out alot, what with not reading instructions and guessing what time the train is coming at. It brings him out in hives.

I think you should be happy that your husband is such a key member of the team that if your health issues are causing a material problem for his ability to do the job that they are offering a solution. Surely no different to my employer allowing home-working as its the only way I can commit to frequent intercontinental calls at uncivilised times and hence do my job. If I wasn't good at what I do, they would simply find someone without family restrictions, clearly your husband's employers feel the same about him. A good situation which is not to be taken for granted at the moment

Vicky maybe they would suggest having me put down then?

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/1454889-to-wonder-how-my-DH-is-well-respected-at-work-when-hes-such-a-dimwit-at-home?pg=3

Hope that worked.
I can sympathise because one of my sons seems to be quite a lot like you DH.
I feel like I spent years of my life injecting empathy into him.
He is far far better now,but boy was it emotional hard work for me,him and his siblings.
I'd forgotten that most of what was talked about on there was regarding chores and such like,but hope it helps in some way.

You said he was your husband in the op lola then you were expecting 'the question'. Am I missing something?

I get why you feel this way tbh. Did your dp have the resources to pay private health before this new job?

million i put most of this at his dad's feet. man is a monster but DH adores him. plus a computer for a brain but a big soft tomatoe for a heart in some instances.

Or maybe they should employ someone else? You sound a bit hysterical frankly.

perfume no, sorry it was when we were courting. He eventually proposed to me during an ad break when we were watching Big Brother. Tsk.

Yes we had Private health with his old job. go figure

vicky jperhaps they should, but that might be against the law to fire someone who has a wife with health issues. Would you think?

Ah I see

So why did he/you not take up the old private cover to deal with your back?

Can I ask why you married him?

Because you don't sound like you like him very much.

there were limitations to it as this was a pre existing condition. T&C's are changed with this new job, ie. the cover is more extensive. I had consultations but treatment was not covered.

I think if his desire/requirement to work away is new then that's a problem. This needs to be agree in advance between you both. Dh and I talked about this before me married/had dc because I wanted to be clear who was going to be doing what. It can't just be sprung on you. You would think a dh would be keen to see his dw well for her sake, not his jobs' sake.

perfume thats where I am at with it. I am grateful for the opportunity but feel that it would have been wonderful if there had been as much emphasis on getting it sorted without the pressure of work being the compelling factor.

Not if those issues were preventing him from working the hours and locations they require and she was refusing to have treatment which they were willing to pay for which would solve the problem, because of some weird sense if entitlement. I totally get that you may have issues with your husband, but it seems that you are allowing those to cloud what is a fair offer from his employer.

The problem is, as you say, you knew he worked away when you married but hoped he would change with parenthood and learning what it entailed. Not that I think you don't have the right to say things are different. You do. Life moves on and we change, our needs change. You now have a health issue and are right to feel freaked out slightly about being left in sole charge.

You sound a little down about things in general, and I totally get why. I have chronic health problem, it's made me go through a period of mouring the old. your world view changes. Do you worry about the fidelity aspect of things with dh being away so much too?

Entitlement. how have you used that in this context? entitled to what, a modicum of dignity? To be seen as a human and not an obstacle?

I have not refused the treatment. This conversation is about the balance between what my husband's work needs are in relation to what my perceived needs are.

perfume I do worry about fidelity. He comes home to Calamity jane with about as much sex available as a carmalite convent would allow. I feel a burden and a nuisance and not keen on being so dependant either. I was a single parent with a career of my own before marriage and DD2, I don't recognise myself sometimes. Then I become this problem to be solved at someone else behest.

Thing is Lola I'm a pragmatist. You're being offered a solution which you are bitching about because it's not being done for goodwill reasons but for reasons of business need. Sounds pretty entitled to me.

Vicky,she is not really talking about the employers offer.
She is in the relationship forum talking about what her DH did not do prior to his new job offer.

Yeah, what million said Vicky, but if it helps you feel better to consider me a whining cow with no sense of perspective, do carry on

Will do

Before your back problems, I'm guessing you felt reasonably ok with him going away for work, you'd be busy and able and when you are, there's little time for fretting much. Thing is, now you are forced to be more housebound with your back, not only do you feel lumpy and undynamic, you also have lots of extra time to stew and brood. None of this is particularly dh's fault, but I do think you need to talk to him about your desire for him to be here more. Resentment can only grow.

On the other hand, if you take the offer of medical help and get your mobilty back, you may find you're outlook improves as you enjoy getting back to your old busy self. Maybe it's the thought of him being here that appeals, out of fear, and the reality could be the opposite, with his constant presence getting on your nevers.

I have insurance, feel mixed about it but did have to use it as I was getting more and more ill being ignored by the NHS. Am getting my life back after seven years of just existing and the things that seemed so important then no longer do. Perspective shifts. I think you need to get well first, the rest will follow.