Internet dating, where am I going wrong?

[GemsAngels]

Iv just signed up to a dating site and Im a little disappointed! Its been a few weeks and i want to give up already!!
Im not sure what I was expecting but I seem to be attracting the below 25's who are looking for what they call 'fun'!
Or the over 45 bald fat ones!! (sorry to bald fat men but its not my thing!)
I have a good profile. I have put some decent pics on there.
Please tell me where Im going wrong??

Oh god, I sympathise!

I am fed up of messages from guys who can't spell (and if they're trying to impress you, at least use bloody spellcheck) or who just write: "Ur profile looks cool babe".

I want to put in my profile (but am too scared) - only contact me if you can spell. I reckon that would knock out about 99% of the guys on one of the sites I'm on (am on two at the moment but am being very half-hearted about it. Need to leave it a while to get over the ex cokehead who I met online...).

I had a 26 year old contact me last week. I've just turned 36. He asked if I'd ever been with a 26 year old in text speak with a smiley face and a LOL. I reminded him that I had been 26 myself once.....

Oh and the guy I was seeing wrote about how he was into yoga and tennis and blah blah blah.

When it came to it, he'd split up with someone a couple of weeks and took a lot of cocaine. The former was the reason he gave for finishing with me after a few months.

If only he'd put that in his profile to start off with, it might have saved me a lot of heartache! As for looks etc though, when I turned up he was damn gorgeous and even better than his profile pics.

However, he couldn't spell. He finally sent me something of mine back that I'd left at his. I live in School Road, and he addressed to "Skool Road." What did I expect from an old skool raver!

On the height thing... Men are amazingly predictable, so much so that I was able to coin 'ODQ's rule of 2' - which runs as follows:

If a man says he is 5'11 or above on his profile he will be the height he claims. If he says he is 5'9 or under you can subtract 2 inches. (If he says 5'10 - he will be no less than 5'9. I had to introduce the grey area for my wretched DH who is kindof 5'9.5 He broke my previously infallible rule - I used to call it ODQ's infallible rule of 2 :o)

OP if you read the link there is loads more advice from me and other seasoned ODers and info about sites. Personally I used Match because it had the highest number of users in my area but an older friend found Dating Direct good and friend in London met her hubbie on Love and Friends.

And Shirsten you did the right thing dumping Mr Cokehead - I read your thread with great sympathy. Have to say you were very unlucky so OP don't be put off by that.

Gems lovely notice you are South Wales (me too!) The pick over here is a bit rough! If you are prepared to travel a bit guys in Bristol are far tastier.

Agree with OnlineDatingQueen's advice. Met DH 6 years ago, on Match. Met lots of nice fellas on there too. Friend met husband on Guardian Soulmates but not one guy got in touch with me from there, the feckers. (Its quite elite?)
Agree about meeting early on rather than faffing around with too much messaging. It's grim to 'fall in love' over email and then have a shock when you actually meet. Read loads and loads of profiles and you'll soon be able to read between the lines. If you use it to have fun meeting new people, you will.
Re. text speak, I don't think there's anything wrong with putting something in profile like, only literate types need apply, or something...

My friend met her lovely partner on GSF she's Cardiff he is Brizzle but the distance is no probs!

Thats fab ImperialBlether that made me giggle! Its so so true!! Im going to be thinking about this every time I read a profile :) Thanks I will have a look at those sites :)

Sorry it didnt work out Shirsten I guess we dont find out the real person until we meet a few times, this is what is worrying also, as they can actually tell you anything, but then meeting someone off a site can do the same. I sometimes wish someone could set me up on a nice date, so I had a bit of background on him :)
I might have to put how text talk annoys the hell out of me though. I am the same with spelling, so glad Im not the only one. I feel so fussy sometimes.

Thanks ODQ Im def gonna have a look at your link, I need guidance ;) and from a pro eh!

ike1 Oh really? Ha ok thanks for the tips ;) Bristol isnt too far from me, and I honestly dont think distance would be much of a problem, for me anyway.
Whats GSF?

Alurk Yes I see alot of advertising for match, was a bit unsure of paying, but will def have a look. Im thinking I might give it a trial. Im def up for meeting new people and not taking it too seriously, just need to find potential dates :)
Thanks for the tips :)

Would seeing eachother over webcam like on Skype be a good way to determine if there is chemistry between 2 people?

SL34 trust me on this - not a good idea

Exchange a couple of emails, suss out by phone then meet up in person.

Webcam gives option to delay actual meeting, also allows some cheeky "I'll show you mine..." If that's all you want by all means go for it but if you are looking for a relationship don't even think about it.

I think it's easy to tell with guys. Any guy messaging saying "i'm looking for fun" straight away you know he just wants sex. Plenty of fish is full of men looking for "fun" and they will get it from anybody. My partners bf is on there and purely goes on there for a shag, he has travelled up to cambridge for a fuck (he lives in herne bay kent) i met my other half on POF but if i was ever single again touch wood im not i wouldnt ever use it again unless i was just after sex.

tbh the site i had the most luck on was www.girlsdateforfree.com think men are more likely to want ar ellie if they will pay for a membership whereas the girlsdont have to on there, standard, men will pretty much shag anything if it offers but tend to be pickier about who they will settle with.

fwiw i did meet my other half off pof and only saw him by chance on that people u should meet section and he was obviously keen, texting a lot, offering to take me home 70 miles away so i knew he was into me, sadly, not all the men on there are like that and it does seem to be a free sex site!

Iv just signed up to love and friends. Its free or you can upgrade and pay. Iv gone with the free profile. Are you able to mail as its free, I dont completely get it. Iv only just set it up so will have to have a good read I suppose!

Modifiedmum

I'm not disputing that that men may be less cautious than women when it comes to casual sex but this:
' men will pretty much shag anything if it offers'

suggests that women who are interested in NSA sex are relegated to the status of 'things' who are referred to as 'it'??

I use online dating for NSA sex, I'm a person, not a thing:(

I agree with all ODQ's tips. After four years on my own and aged 44 I finally plucked up the courage to give OD a go and had a very interesting 9 months of dating before I met my current partner on POF.

I was on Match briefly, met one nice bloke and went out with him for about 3 months. Apart from POF I was on a site called, I think, Plenty More Fish - not sure if it still exists, but I went on a couple of dates from that. Nothing at all came of My Single Friend, which I thought was a shame because I liked the idea of it. Also nothing from Guardian Soulmates, despite being a lifelong Guardian reader!

So, I have to say, I had most success from POF - my now partner was internet date no. 8 and we've been together for nearly three years. I don't know if I was just lucky or somehow managed to screen out the worst ones, but none of the dates I had was terrible and they all seemed perfectly fine men but, for one reason or another, just not right for me. Or indeed, me for them in some cases. We'll gloss over the 54 year old who advertised himself as 45 ...

Funnily enough, I'm a total spelling and grammar fascist too. My partner is dyslexic and all the spell check in the world couldn't completely correct his spelling. Inspite of that, the way that he wrote (not textspeak, god forbid) really conveyed his personality and I'm glad that I didn't let that get in the way of meeting him.

A few more of my rules, apologies if already covered by ODQ or elsewhere:

• don't be shy - contact anyone you like the look of. It's a numbers game!
• sometimes you need that second date to be sure you're not that keen.
• enjoy the photos taken by cars/planes/motorbikes, apparently the female

Whoops - pressed something wrong there.

I was going to say that my partner says the female equivalent of those pics involves a bed covered in cuddly toys, or lots of pictures of cats.

Sorry for rambling on. This is my first post on mumsnet, after lots of lurking and reading.

@ Gemsangels have you tried using a webcam prior to meeting to see if there is any chemistry between you and your dates, if at all that can be done via cam?

@onlinedatingqueen do you not think that seeing someone cam gives you a better idea if you will get on with someone though or have some sort of chemistry? Personally i don't do casual sex just not my thing.

Didn't mean it like that honest! lol! I WOULD of used POF for nsa as there was a point in my life i used to be single and just want that but never really found anyone that tickled me fancy really very much on dating websites! Didn't mean it to come out so harsh feel bad now! Just meant that some (and only some!) men may have a type of lady they like then when they get the horn that pretty much changes to any person that offers, they are certainly not an it but i've seen a few girls get caught up in some horrid men on POF but then i've also seen some lovely lovely men get caught out by horrid women to, deffo works both ways and think as long as you keep your wits about you, make it clear what you want then all will be good! :-) X

Also another website i tried and had a succesful date on was smooch? don't know if its still about tho x

SL34 no I don't as already stated - but that's just my advice.

My reasoning is that sometimes there is just a 'chemistry' in person that is hard to explain but goes beyond looks - maybe it's pheromones?!

I'm more concerned that it's a slippery slope into the whole webcam sex thing - which I repeat is fine if you want that. But this is just my opinion.

i agree sl34. If im 100000% honest my other half (like you do!) picked his best pictures for pof then when he added me on facebook i was a bit uhhmmmm ok and he came on webcam to prove he was genuine (we was meeting quite a distance) and i was like hmm... but i told myself to stop being so bloomin shallow and met up and the chemistry was deffo there and i'm glad i didn't let the webcam session put me off. :-) X

Im glad POf worked for you Coming My grammer isnt perfect but some of these guys its just so off putting! I know I have to give it time but honestly this is ridiculous!
I have mailed 'my type' and nothing! Am I aiming to bloody high?
I just dont feel attracted to many!
Another unsuccessful day on POf :(

The thing that bothers me is how do you know who you are talking to at the end of the day? Pictures can be of anyone, airbrushed and faked unlike web cams. I am sure that some people who use them don't use them for sex purposes as i wouldn't if i owned one.

I think its just easier meeting men in real life than fart arseing around on dating sites. There has to be a better way in 2012 to meet decent people?

No I like rambling Coming thanks for your help :)

Totally understand where your coming from modifiedmum

Im not sure I could do webcam, havnt thought about it.

Im honestly not shallow, I just find it hard to be physically attracted to a pic.

Although the guys Im attracted to are not mailing me back, poor me :)

@ Gemsangels it isn't you trust me. Maybe internet dating just is not for you? You have to be pretty thick skinned which is why i gave up with it. I know how you feel. Instead of giving me confidence it made me depressed which is not a good thing.