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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can men and women be just friends???

59 replies

mopbucket · 10/07/2012 01:05

Well can they?
Met a guy online and have been chatting for months and were meeting up on wednesday for a brew (at mc donalds as its inbetween where we both live) he knows all about dh and my children and i know all about his children and nothing of his ex.
Dh is ok ish with us meeting up
Om is fab to chat to and were meeting soley as friends
Rl friends think im bonkers

OP posts:

msrantsalot · 10/07/2012 01:12

I don't have any male close friends that are not partners of my female friends, with the exception of one ex who I very briefly dated before both of us realising there was no chemistry there. I would just worry that he may be looking for more than friendship.

mercury7 · 10/07/2012 01:17

of course they can..it's hardly a logical impossibility now is it
whether it is commonly or easily achieved is another matter

TryDrawingAPicture · 10/07/2012 01:27

Yes, men and women can be just friends. I am a female engineer and uni would have been a lonely place without my male friends also, it was me and 100 blokes on my course. Sleeping my way through all of them would have been far too much effort

MyLittleMiracles · 10/07/2012 01:58

I think men and women can be just good friends, me and my oldest mate, who is male have a fantastic relationship and though i can admit he is good looking, i wouldnt want to date him, we are mates, no more no less. We have been that way for years as well. things get harder though when one has feelings for the other, then it complicates, i had heap of male friends as a teenager, despite going to a girls school. It can and does work.

Thumbwitch · 10/07/2012 02:11

Yes they can but it has to be completely without agenda on either side. I have a couple of male friends who I have known for 20+ years; even when we were all single, there was nothing going on between me and either of them, because there was just no chemistry at all. We even discussed it at one point! (not altogether, that would have been Weird)
I am also friends with one of my exes - we were friends before, dated briefly and then stopped again and went back to being friends - no problems with it at all now (I did for a while but then met DH and after that I could look at said ex with no regrets at all). In fact, we were at each other's weddings. :)

I was a tomboy as a teen, had more male friends than female - one of them (who I sadly did fancy! but never mind) told me I was a "good bloke to go drinking with and chat to" - we are still friends in name but not close (due more to circumstance and personality than anything else!) - maybe that makes a difference?

NoComet · 10/07/2012 02:23

Yes, but I think it's easier for women than men.

juniorant · 10/07/2012 07:33

yes but don't cross any boundary in terms of secrets between you etc.
Introduce him toyour dp and family once friendship established like you would a female friend etc.
I have always had male friends never had an issue

purplesprouting · 10/07/2012 07:42

Yeah I have a few, always have had. One of our great friends is a guy I met whilst walking the dog.

I go out for drinks, meals with male friends just like I would female ones. Tis no issue. Dh has good female friends too, I like them and think it odd if he only could befriend males from his mixed working environment.

Original poster

mopbucket · 10/07/2012 08:02

Oh good feel better now thank you x

OP posts:

SillyBeardyDaddyman · 10/07/2012 08:08

Most of my best friends are female and I don't have a compulsion to bed them. The majority of people I've kept in touch with from school are female too.

Houseofplain · 10/07/2012 08:53

I have lots of male friends. But I'm going against the grain here, I think you've come on for a false sense of security. You want reassurance that you aren't wrong, when really you know you are.

It's a strange way to meet friends of the opposite sex, not impossible. But I would question his motives, he's single, wanting to meet female friends off the net.

Plus aren't you the one who started the thread I nearly ended my marriage last night? Where you've got a great Dh. But you've all of a sudden got the urge to shag about some may suggest you've already crossed lines and if you've spoke to this guy about this then he thinks he's on a promise. An om would explain your thread on here.

Oh well you have your justification now your poor Dh deserved better.

stargazy · 10/07/2012 09:00

Slight alarm bells with is one.You say your DH is Ok ish.Thay's the concerning bit,raher than all for it.Does he know the full extent of contact ie.months and how often you chat?If so and he's really, really OK then no problem at all.If it were me and DH 'met' online so often the very least I would like is to be introduced and meet his friend.
My DH has a couple of very good genuinely platonic friends and I like them very much,even go out as couples wit their DH's from time to time.One other female friend however proved she would like to be much more, and secrecy about extent of contact and the inappropriate direction it was going nearly ended our marriage.It ended hers.
So be open,honest and don't abuse your DH's trust,it's very hard to win back once broken.And I hope you continue to enjoy the benefits of a truly platonic friendship.

Gettheetoanunnery · 10/07/2012 09:02

They can, I have a very good male friend and dp has 2 very good female friends.

Thumbwitch · 10/07/2012 09:06

Houseofplain's post does put rather a different spin on things, tbh.

I think you're playing with fire under the actual circumstances - and in fact, meeting up with someone you've met online could be giving him the green light that you're up for some extramarital shenanigans. Which, by the sound of houseofplain's post, is exactly what you are up to. In which case, I agree with your RL friends and think you are, ok, not bonkers, but playing a very foolish game.

Also - there are such things as affairs that don't involve sex - lots of online chatting with a person of the opposite sex, sharing of inner most thoughts, life secrets, whinging about your partners (or lack of) can all be indicative of an emotional affair, especially if you are NOT talking to your own DH about the same things. For some people, these are more hurtful and damaging than physical affairs.

Be very careful - you could lose more than you bargained for.

Houseofplain · 10/07/2012 09:07

I don't know how the Dh could be ok ish? Op has already started to detatched from him and expressed she want to fuck about.

So, if she's confided in this " friend" her new found feelings, probably since he showed up. Then call me cynical. He's going to think he's in for an easy regular shag. Op is standing herself up to get hurt, used and destroy her marriage imvho.

I say that as a female with LOTS of male friends. Given ops recent thread, this one just smacks of getting justification without the "backstory"

BertieBotts · 10/07/2012 09:10

Of course - otherwise bisexual people would be screwed wouldn't they?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2012 09:26

I've thought about this & don't think so. In any male/female friendship - unless both are gay - one of them will almost always fancy the other. It may never amount to anything and they may carry on being platonic for years but, so often, all it takes is a few drinks to find that 'best mate, good old Bob' has been holding a torch for several decades.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 10/07/2012 09:33

Oh God, of course they can. But I was on a vaguely similar thread on here ages ago and was accused of having 'bohemian values' (whatever they are) for holding that opinion.

As for 'one of them will almost always fancy the other', that's a bizarre overgeneralisation.

helpyourself · 10/07/2012 09:33

How and why did you meet him?

I think that the way you met him, PoF, say or Road Safety Forum would give an indication of how you want it to play out.

You don't sound very sure yourself of what you expect. Are you being honest with yourself?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2012 09:41

"that's a bizarre overgeneralisation."

It's really not. It's based on a huge amount of observation in others and a lot of personal experience.

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 10/07/2012 09:42

Well, in my experience and observation men and women can be, and often are, friends without any kind of sexual feelings.

purplesprouting · 10/07/2012 09:47

You may have ishoos with this one op but am entirely with lady clarice in principle. Regardless of cogitos more frissoned experiences there are lots of us who have never had problems with friends of the op sex, across the age range, across cultures ...

I have had male friends since I was a child, I have had men with ambiguous motives try and get friendly...not the same thing at all.

Jinx1906 · 10/07/2012 09:48

I have 2 male friends who are very dear to me, both are gay. I don't think I would be good friends with a straight man. I would worry that the closeness that's builds up between good friends could turn in to something else, especially after a few too many drinks. Even though the relationship with DH is good.

helpyourself · 10/07/2012 09:50

LCCM I agree, but how they became friends is significant. I'm extremely close to a work colleague, I've even checked against EA lists and TBH the lines are blurry. However I can say with 100% certainty that it is and always will be 100% platonic because of the circumstances.

5madthings · 10/07/2012 09:50

well i have male friends who are just that friends! And have been for years :) one is a very close friend, essentially an 'uncle' figure to my children and one of the first people i call on in a crisis etc, he is also dp's friend as well. its just not an issue at all, there is and never woul be any attraction either way, he is lovely and all but just not in that way!

but given the post by houseofplain then umm yes it can still be fine but i think you are actually maybe wanting it to be more than friendship? there is def some boundry blurring going on. maybe sort out your own issues with your dh before you see this bloke or even meet up with kids etc (you say he has kids) so its def more a friends type thing?

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