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Original poster

Can men and women be just friends???

59 replies

mopbucket · 10/07/2012 01:05

Well can they?
Met a guy online and have been chatting for months and were meeting up on wednesday for a brew (at mc donalds as its inbetween where we both live) he knows all about dh and my children and i know all about his children and nothing of his ex.
Dh is ok ish with us meeting up
Om is fab to chat to and were meeting soley as friends
Rl friends think im bonkers

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 10/07/2012 09:53

bangs head against wall

Is it not in the slighest bit telling, that op already refers to him as om? Even if you take her other thread out of it?

Yes men and women can be friends in my opinion, I have loads, I've genuinely never shagged Grin but methinks ladies. You are being used as a justification for something a bit more....a case of if I say it's friends and mn say men and women can be friends it's ok

Dropdeadfred · 10/07/2012 09:55

Only if there is no physical attraction from either side

CogitoErgoSometimes · 10/07/2012 09:56

(joins Houseofplain).... for lo it was foretold that men who get chatting with married women on line invariably are looking for a legover & think they are 'up for it'.

Lovingfreedom · 10/07/2012 10:15

Men and women can be friends. I have quite a lot of male friends and I have never slept with any of them. Some of them might want to sleep with me - they know though that's never been on my agenda. I find one or two attractive but never make passes at them!

That said, I also know that a lot of men (particularly if you've only just met) will agree to be just friends to keep the communication going when they would like to make it something more. However, what is the risk here? You are in control. If you want to be friends and nothing more and are resolute in that then there are only limited possible outcomes of your meeting:

  • you are both content to be friends and become friends
  • you want to be friends, he would ideally like more but agrees to be friends
  • you want to be friends, he wants more and isn't interested in being friends so you don't see him again.

Reading between the lines I suspect you are not quite facing up to your motivations and desires here....and let's face it what would our advice be on MN if OP had written 'My DH has met a woman online. She is single and looking for a relationship. My DH has assured her he is married and kids....dum de dum. They are meeting but just as friends. He will be very clear about that. hmmmm...'

Jinx1906 · 10/07/2012 10:43

The trouble is that some may start out with the best intentions of being friends, but things don't always develop that way.

You may not fancy someone and vow never to sleep with him but that is not to say that somewhere down the line one can not become attracted to the other person.

I'm not saying that it is not possible to have male friends and I think a lot depends on the personality of the people involved. Some can keep a galaxy bar in a secret box under the sofa and not eat it whilst others intend not to eat it but ravish it before the evening is over.

Also, is the male friend someone who you know as a couple and do things together with most of the time or is he someone who does not or rarely interacts with ones DP. I guess it all depends on the circumstances. Most of my girlfriends hardly interact with my partner. I can not see myself grab a bottle from the fridge and waive goodbye to my DH to have a glass of wine with Jerome down the road like I do with my girlfriends.

Yama · 10/07/2012 10:47

My oldest friend is a man. Seems funny to write that as he will always be a scrawny teenager in my mind. Some years we don't see each other but I know he would always be there for me.

I have had a lot of male friends over the years. People are people. Society separates the genders.

skyebluesapphire · 10/07/2012 10:53

My STBXH says that him and "OW" are just good friends, but they flirted online, emailed and texted 100 times a day , discussing their relationships and giving each other emotional support, all behind their partners backs in secret, deliberately hiding it.

Just good friends? I don't think so.

The moment you cross the line into flirting, it has gone too far.

MissFaversam · 10/07/2012 10:56

All sounds a bit suspect to me to be honest. Why on earth would you want to find a "male" friend on-line?

Things aren't equal either are they. He's single and your not. Your husband I recon is NOT ok with it.

Who are you trying to kid? Coz you ain't kidding me.

Nagoo · 10/07/2012 11:00

Yes but I don't think in the circumstances you describe. If you are friends without an agenda invite him round your house to meet your dh and family. Don't meet him alone while you are setting the boundaries of a new friendship. It's not appropriate. If you'd been fronds for years and you were certain that there was no attraction on either side it would be different. And the feelings of your dh must be foremost in your mind.

Why are you calling him OM if you do not consider him to be a threat to your dh?

NotGeoffVader · 10/07/2012 11:00

Yes, I have male friends both straight and gay, single and involved. DH has female friends, both single and involved. No concerns on either side.

dreamingbohemian · 10/07/2012 11:04

Of course they can, but that doesn't mean you can be friends with this man. Having never met him, you can't really be sure whether he's trustworthy, really just interested in friendship, etc.

I think a lot depends on the backstory.

I have loads of male friends and it's not an issue in my marriage, but if we were having problems and I ran off to meet someone I'd met online, yeesh, that would not go down well.

BelieveInPink · 10/07/2012 11:21

In light of your other thread, I'd say you weren't interested in having this man as a friend. And it's not him that's after more.

You will realise what a fab DH you had when it all comes crashing down.

SoleSource · 10/07/2012 11:24

No. Always a sexual attraction, IMO IME. I agree with Harry in the film, When Harry Met Sally.

noblegiraffe · 10/07/2012 11:29

If you're just friends then there'll be no problem in bringing your DH along to the meet-up, will there??

Lovingfreedom · 10/07/2012 11:30

Doesn't matter if there is a sexual attraction on one side of the relationship between man and woman friends IMO as long as the one that doesn't want the sex is straightforward in their own mind that it is not going to happen. When that's happened to me either the friendship fizzles out or the person who fancies gets over it and the friendship moves on. Even been cases where there is attraction on both sides but don't act on it and move friendship on. But I think, in this case, OP is looking for an excuse to check out someone that she might have an affair with.

Houseofplain · 10/07/2012 11:35

Op has already said, she nearly left her marriage, because although her Dh is perfect. She has the urge to fuck about and have one nighters.

Then it transpires she's met this "friend" she is now meeting who probably smelt the desire to fuck about from a mile off. With op no doubt telling him what she told us and he's offered her a supportive cock shoulder. I don't think it could be clearer!

Lovingfreedom · 10/07/2012 11:48

Yeah I know. In that case, the only honest way forward is to talk to DH about open relationship/swinging or whatever. He might be up for it. Otherwise, OP better decides what she wants...perfect DH or casual sex and one nighters.

ilovemyneighbours · 10/07/2012 12:05

of course they can

Original poster
mopbucket · 10/07/2012 12:38

Ok so on saturday i admit i had a wobble and brought everything to the table with Dh on how i was feeling and dh fully supported me and giving me much needed advice (aswel as you knowledgble ladies Wink) i have been straight with this guy that i love dh and i have not discussed the weekends events with this man, we just chat about running, kids, etc.
I grew up from the age of 7 with just a dad and 2 brothers and now again im in a house of men i generally feel more at ease with men,
I have suggested we meet in a public place for our first meeting as its safer, dh will know where i am and i will have my car outside
He has his children most weekends and i look after my 3 yr old niece so its even been suggested we meet up for a brew with the kids
I dont know Sad im so confused i know how i felt on saturday but i would not dare to cheat on dh i feel more calmer now everything has been said in the open.
This man i have been chatting too i met through draw something and we started chatting as we got top store in the game and for the first 2 mths i thought he was female after that we chat most days but have not met yet we live 20mins drive from each other so the idea to meet is not too crazy and i feel totally in love with dh and hopefully if i get on with this guy he will mert dh they may even be better friends than him and i

OP posts:
Hullygully · 10/07/2012 12:40

yes

Houseofplain · 10/07/2012 12:45

How much of this chatting everyday, made you feel like you did on Saturday? How much effort have you put into him, that could have gone into your marriage? How have you really been discussing your life with him?

You've gone in two days from wanting to leave as you are desperately unhappy, and want to shag around, to marital bliss Hmm

I think if you want honest answers, you need to be honest to yourself and the signals you would have been giving to this man.

Lovingfreedom · 10/07/2012 12:49

Well OP, if you are honest with yourself and with your DH, don't do or say anything that you would want or need to keep from your DH. You know yourself better than anyone else. Don't be surprised if this guy has sex on his mind but even if he does, doesn't mean you have to act on it.

attheendoftheday · 10/07/2012 12:56

My best friend is a man, it's fine. We are both in relationships with other people and I don't believe he fancies me any more than I fancy him. We share a hobby and have a lot in common, we enjoy spending time together.

stinkymice · 10/07/2012 13:29

I had a male best friend. We used to go for coffee one every week and share a banana fritter. Then one day I realised I would rather spend time with him than my boyfriend. We are married now Wink

schmarn · 10/07/2012 15:19

Sorry. I'm going to call this for what it is.

You have confessed to marital problems to the extent that you are thinking of leaving. You've also apparently been on here to say how you want to shag about. You have met someone online playing an online game (please) and are wondering whether it's ok to meet this stranger. The issue isn't whether this other guy has bad intentions, the issue is whether you are remotely interested in focusing on your marriage or would you rather spend your time agonising over whether or not to meet someone you've met off the internet.

In fact, with respect, it might be an idea to turn your computer off, put aside your virtual life and focus on your real one.