Checked DHs Internet History

[PastaLadyHasNameChangedForThis]

I have name changed, am a very regular poster who is sat wondering what the actual fuck.

I am on Maternity Leave at the moment and all this time is playing havoc with my head. It's so unbeleiviably silly but i've gone form being so trusting and utter non-jealous of DH to thinking constantly that something's going on that I don't know about.

I have comitted the cardinal sin of checking his messages and the rational part of me is glad to have found nothing, however the irrational side of me is thinking "hmm....has he deleted stuff?". I would like to clarify here and now that on a rational day, I do NOT think he is cheating. On an irrational day, I think in equal measures "he's cheating / flirting with someone else" and "you are being irrational".

It's my problem to work on.

After checking DHs phone, this morning, I also thought I would check his internet history. I was out last night and there are porn videos on his internet history for yesterday.

I'm not porn-averse, and genuinely don't think anything of him using porn to satisfy himself. There are a couple of feet fetish pages and a couple of 'big boobs and bums' too. Nothing shocking, though he's never seemed that fussed on my feet truth be told.

However, and this is where I actually feel a little bit sick and am shaking, there are also Tranny and Shemale pages.

Seriously feel ill.

I visited the site on my phone and to look at the Tranny / Shemal pages, you click on Fetishes and then click on that subcategory. There are a few pages in his history. Therefore I don't think e's looked at these by accident.

Fuckng hell.

DO straight men look at these things?

My heart is pounding.

I think short and sweet. 'Saw on your phone that you've been looking at extreme stuff. I really don't like it and would prefer you didn't' type of thing.

I would either a) forget about it and accept that people's fantasies are their own private business or b) talk to him. Mulling it over, continuing to spy, watching for 'evidence' is going to make you ill with stress. I would just have it out or let it go.

As for the conversation, I would say 'X, I've done something really stupid and you are not going to like what I'm going to say, but I looked at your phone and found some really disturbing things on there. I know I shouldn't have looked, and I know you will be angry, but they are now in my head and I don't know what to do' and then take it from there.

But I am increasingly realising that if there's any trouble, I'm a confronter, whereas lots of people on MN advocate watching and collecting 'evidence. I would just not be able to contain myself, and would immediately say something, so perhaps that wouldn't work for you.

I would say that you were searching through the internet history to find something you'd looked at and had stumbled across these sites.

... actually change that to 'I really don't like it and would like you to stop'

Does it really matter if he says "actually, yes, I'm bisexual"?

There was a big news item recently (maybe even two in the last couple of months) about people eating people in a porny kind of way. He could well have read news items about it and been curious to find out more. Not in a thrilled kind of way. In a nosey kind of way!

Yes, I think it would matter to me if he said he were bisexual.

Heterosexual husbands have access to heterosexual sex with their wives. If he were bisexual, he cannot fulfil that desire through sex with me. How does he filfil that desire? I would be forever worried that he would look for physical satisfaction for that desire - that porn wouldnt be enough.

I was going to say the same as lady. Thing is, I'm a member of a few forums. You'd be surprised on more "lads" ones the crap gets linked. There has been loads going around about this out of sheer curiosity, due to it being very prevalent in the news.

I imagine many who use forums and see a term or something they aren't familiar with may click/google.

It seems to me you WANT there to be something wrong. You thought you were going to find him cheating, so when that drama was averted. You weren't adverse to porn you say. You then found some. But you also "found" your reason for a drama. Shemale porn, when some "explained" it away more rationally. You had to keep looking to find another "my marriage may end" issue. So now you've got the v porn.

I personally couldn't keep that a secret, I'd have to ask why he was looking at such stuff as the thought turns my stomach. But I think YOU need to look really at what is going on here with you and your relationship. As you seem helll bent on finding a reason to destroy your marriage. That's how it looks to me.

If someone is bisexual it doesn't necessarily mean that they cannot/will not be satisfied in a monogamous relationship. Not at all. Only he can tell you that, if it is the case, though.

That's why you don't want to say 'I need to talk to you' or sit him down because it makes your conversation a dialogue where there can be several outcomes. The only outcome you want is that he stops.

I'm not at all sure that talking about this is the way to go though. Not every man is a ba$tard, cheating, fu&ked up as*hole contrary to what a lot of Mumsnetters seem to believe and it might blindside him if he believes that he has a lovely cosy new little family.

See again, you are bringing things up, which may not even be an issue. Something for which there could be a rationl explanation, say curiosity, forum banter.

You are building everything up into a drama, probably marriage ending scenario. Why is that! what is really going on in Your mind? Truthfully? Just talk to him.

If having this conversation would possibly end our marriage then I will.NOT be bringing it up with him.

Whatever it looks like, I dont want to end our marriage. I had insecure thoughts and feelings due, imo, to this massive change of becoming parents and me, in all honesty, feeling like I have nothing going for me or happening in my life except dd and dh. I am so so keen to go back to work as I feel like I am out of the loop of Life. I have never felt insecure or jealous until very recently.

I categorically do NOT want to destroy my marriage.

When a man who has a new little family seems to be able and willing to get away from it all to what seems to be the polar opposite of his home life, I think the question that can reasonably be asked is Why? Or What attraction does this have that life with your new baby doesn't?

Obviously you yourself are looking for more than what the domestic scene has to offer, but you are not looking for that through porn. I think you should perhaps go to a therapist to explore where your insecurity and feeling of jealousy is coming from. Sometimes a feeling like that can be explained away by the turmoil of tiredness and hormones but sometimes the same hormones can fine tune your antennae and can give you 100% accurate suspicions. So I think you should also continue to monitor your H's computer and phone.

Monitoring or wondering will take a toll on your relationship either way. You can choose to monitor, or to question him immediately, or to resolve it through counselling for yourself and maybe with your H. But one way or another, there is now a cat out of a bag that requires dealing with.

(FWIW, I think your thoughts and fears about bisexuality are well-founded. I used to post a lot on a forum for partners of bi and gay men and I think most of the other posters there would echo your disquiet. It is assuming a lot of someone to think they would never express a whole side of their sexuality in any way, shape or form. I also fear that at some point, if there are continued signs that he is interested in non-heterosexual sex, the question will need to be addressed, but ime it is not worth trying this until you have seen a consistent pattern and have evidence in your hands to back up your line of questioning when discussion time rolls around.)

I think I might talk to dh about how im feeling generally - being off work, the (for me) monotony of sahmness, the vulnerability I am feeling at not bringing much money in atm.

I wont bring uo what Ive seen and Math, thank you for your post. It has in itself helped to calm me.

I'm another one who thinks that its probably more just something he does to entertain himself/pass the time, and porn has so many subcategories its quite easy to browse all sorts of different stuff without actually being into any of it.

I'll make a little confession that I tend to browse things like that myself (and I'm a happily married woman). It doesn't do anything for me sexually... it is more just like a kind of fascination/curiousity, and some of it is so taboo that that gives me a little thrill of excitement (naughty thrill, not sexual thrill).

At any given time, if my DH looked on my computer history he'd find any manner of dodgy websites (from 'furry' porn to balloon fetishes, to sneezing fetishes - yes they exist!)

Red flags (for me) would be if one particular subcategory was all he looked at, and also the quantity involved. People who are really getting into a fetish or have a strong sexual preference can have histories of hundreds-thousands pictures, because like any addiction you need more over time to get the same thrill.

If the pictures don't run into the high hundreds (for a day), and they're all of lots of different categories, then I honestly wouldn't worry. He's probably just a curious/bored browser. :)

My browser history is now damaged beyond repair, i was 'forced' to check out vore porn i think this is just normal curiosity. I'm a curious person by nature and I consider myself perfectly 'normal' whatever that may be.
You clearly love your partner, he loves you. Please try not to read to much into this, have a calm chat with him if it'll make you feel better.

Be aware and trust your instincts. If your relationship does not seen what it should be and there is a lack of intimacy get some couples therapy.
I have been little relaxed about Dh looking at porn, about six years ago I found a link to a transvestites dating thing(not tv porn) along with women porn site and confronted Dh. He said that he little curios about men that crossed dressed and that was that. Thought no more about it.
Then over the next few years, we had our ups and downs as you do when you have young children and sex not as regular as Him or I would have liked. Some other little things cropped up as well that should of set off alarm bells, eg he started shaving his balls because he liked them that way.
Anyway to get to the point, a few months ago I found some passwords and profile name so logged on to find he had created a false name, he was posting naked pictures of himself and chatting on lots of Tv/gay/women's swing sites. He was trying to arrange dates with transvestites and women. As there was not much response from the women, he says, the men were much more chatty he got in to that side much more. Then to top it all I also found pictures in Dh email account of a TV he had met up with but , if this is any consolation to me, was unable to get an erection with , Dh says.
We are now in the process awaiting to start sexual addition therapy and my whole world has been shattered and the betrayal extremely hard to bare.

I wouldn't allow mine to touch porn on the family computer. You're just a click away from something that can be illegal or something that could come back to haunt you later on.

Tell him to use another device that's just his, in his name, if he really must resort to porn for his kicks. Remember that it can be addictive so it may simply be better for him to stop now before it gets out of hand.

achillea Wed 12-Sep-12 09:55:06
I wouldn't allow mine to touch porn on the family computer.

In passing, may I enquire what it is reasonable for your partner to forbid you?

I remember once the guys in the office, years ago, laughing about a website they'd seen. I went home and clicked on lots of pages on it. I can't remember the site but it was full of odd, though legal, stuff. Anyone looking at my internet history the next day would have got a wee shock. I was just being nosey.

There used to be another one that reviewed and rated all the local call girls. I regularly looked at that site because it was so funny. The girls were rated with a flower (good) or a fish (bad). I have no intention ever of employing their services.

I would find it extremely reasonable if my DH forbade me to look at porn on a family computer. Thankfully neither of us would need to forbid the other from doing so as we both understand the importance of making sure the children are not exposed to such things on the family PC. I can't see a problem with that OneMoreChap?

Achillea would be perfectly within her rights to ask that adult things are viewed on a device that DC have no access to.

MissPants Wed 12-Sep-12 11:20:24
I would find it extremely reasonable if my DH forbade me to look at porn on a family computer. Thankfully neither of us would need to forbid the other from doing so as we both understand the importance of making sure the children are not exposed to such things on the family PC. I can't see a problem with that OneMoreChap?

Neither DW or I would do that, no [in my case, DC are of an age they can do what they like].

It's the term "wouldn't allow".
"Agree not to" is fine.

My DH won't allow me to wear short skirts
My DH won't allow me to preach Catholic homophobic doctrine/practice my religion
My DH won't allow me to view mumsnet FWR

Forbidding/not allowing doesn't have much place in a relationship. But then, we knew that?

I wouldn't attach that degree of importance to something as subjective as the term "wouldn't allow". My DH wouldn't allow me to get a taxi home from hospital yesterday and left work early to pick me up.

I think we both know in achillea's case she meant it in the context of a reasonable request. One that certainly she would expect to be agreed to when it impacts the welfare of their DC.