Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Have broken his heart, I can't switch my feelings back on...

62 replies

Buster71 · 05/07/2012 16:18

Will try and keep this to the point.
Have been with dp for 8 months, we both have kids, he has 1 and I have 3. We work in the same place albeit not for the same company. We got together on a work night out and all was good for the first 5 months or so. We met each others kids and family etc.

I knew from the start that his feelings were stronger than mine, he is a lovely man, very respectful and thoughtful. Great father and generally supportive. Everyone said this ones a keeper. So keep I did.

I was happy being single after an abusive relationship, waited till I thought I was over it before embarking on this unexpected relationship. In fact I was much stronger and so independent. I though dp could only enhance my life.

Fast forward 6 months, his irritating little habits that I brushed away suddenly became more irritating, he became clingy, needy and a bit possessive.

I have a large very loving family and explained from the start how they had really helped me when I needed them and that they would always be a constant in my life on a regular basis. He was fine with this, they welcomed him with open arms. I am very sociable and so was dp or so I thought. After time he wanted it to be just us, sulked every time there was a get together and wanted me to put him first.

I do a lot for him and his dd, willingly, support him and was always trying my best to be there. I work part time, life is hectic so don't always have to the energy or time to devote to him.
His neediness and bad habits have sent me running for the hills and he will not accept my reasons for wanting to end the relationship.
I hate hurting him and his dd whom I have become quite attached to, my kids really like him too, although dd1 who is 13 feels he takes me away from them.

WWYD?

Have namechanged for this in case anyone in rl knows me.

Any advice on how to minimise the pain I am causing would be wonderful and sorry this was so long, did not want to drip feed.

OP posts:
lowercase · 05/07/2012 16:29

the sulking / acting out alone is grounds enough to end it.
he seems a bit manipulative.

how to minimise the pain?
you have to end things sooner, rather than later.

after all you have been through, dont waste your life putting up with less than.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2012 16:31

The only way to minimise the pain is to be brief, clear and honest. Try not to leave any openings that he could interpret as opportunities for reconciliation. Try to avoid blame unless absolutely necessary. Your reasons for breaking up are personal to you... you need your independence, for example, and you need a social life. It'd be nice to say you appreciate the last few months and will look back on them fondly.... no harm in a little white lie! Then you'll have to cut contact.

Original poster
Buster71 · 05/07/2012 16:40

Thanks ladies, for the last week this is what I have tried to do. He wants to fight for me and says he will wait till my feelings change! It's all a bit wet, but I can't help feeling sorry for him :(

I am now getting the emotional blackmail, he has had some stomach problems, went for a scan and it was all clear. He has not been for the blood tests but is suddenly now having more trouble after being fine for 2 months. None of his family or friends know about this. Only me. He wants me to be there for him. If I did it would be out of guilt not because I love him. Oh fuckity fuck! Am well and truly trapped!

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 05/07/2012 16:47

You're going to have to cut the ties and get away from him quickly. 'Health problems' as emotional blackmail are not a good thing so don't give in to the guilt-tripping. Keep telling him things are not going to change, preferably as you're packing your bags. (Assuming you live together...?)

maleview70 · 05/07/2012 16:53

The biggest mistake people make when breaking up is trying to be as nice as possible which can be interpreted as leaving the door open. I would be firm with him and say I am really sorry that you are having some health problems but I am clear that I don't want our relationship to continue and my feelings will never change. He will get the message. Its when the texting continues and the "we can still be friends" starts that the messages get mixed up.

Original poster
Buster71 · 05/07/2012 16:57

We don't live together, he was due to move in next week, it scared the shit out of me, hence the breakup.

We have a holiday booked in August, just the flights as its my mums villa we are going to, have said I want to go with just my kids. We don't get much time just the 4 of us and I want to devote myself to them solely for 2 weeks. He was very unhappy about this. Gave the heart strings a tug by saying his dd would be really hurt and what would he do with her for the 2weeks. Told him to book something else, he can easily afford it, has plenty of savings and to stop being tight. Another very annoying habit... Tightness!

OP posts:
Original poster
Buster71 · 05/07/2012 17:01

I need to stop being nice, I just hate hurting people and letting them down. Need to grow a pair don't I?

OP posts:
Oogaballoo · 05/07/2012 17:06

This may sound harsh, but it sounds like you've already broken up so I think it's time to cut contact: if he refuses to accept that you've split and is trying to guilt you then there is nothing wrong with doing this. You've made it clear it's over and he is not respecting your decision and is taking advantage of your niceness to try and get you to do things you don't want to. It sounds unpleasant. You've made it clear you have other priorities (family and children) and even after you've broken up with them he still seems to want to be number 1. It's not on.

Original poster
Buster71 · 05/07/2012 17:18

He insisted I see him today, so I went round after I finished work to discuss it. Felt I owed it to him to do it face 2 face. That's when he told me that his stomach troubles had started up again, how he can't eat, lost his appetite. I told him to see his gp. He has pain and blood when he does a no2, sorry tmi!

He is very scared he has cancer, he can be a bit of a drama queen/martyr. I don't normally pander to anyone, but what if he really does have it?

Guilt is no basis for any relationship! I know what I have to do, guess I just wanted reassurance that I am doing the right thing.

OP posts:
Bonsoir · 05/07/2012 17:22

You aren't in love. Don't keep him hanging on.

startlife · 05/07/2012 17:25

Sounds as if you are doing the right thing - you are not responsible for him and I think he taking the emotional blackmail route.

I congratulate you for your decision, breaking up isn't easy but it's often necessary. You sound very together.

JamieandTheOlympicTorch · 05/07/2012 17:29

You don't have an alternative, do you? You can't stay with someone you are having these thoughts about, let alone felt so strongly that you've posted about them.

solidgoldbrass · 05/07/2012 17:32

Look, love, what happened here is something that is sadly very common in women who've had abusive partners: you replaced one dickhead with another, only a different type of dickhead. Just because this man isn't obviously abusive doesn't stop him being a loser and a crap partner: he's clearly selfish, whiny and manipulative.
It's FINE to dump someone if you don't want to be in the relationship any more. You do not owe this man love, or time, or attention of any kind.

Original poster
Buster71 · 05/07/2012 17:35

Bonsoir, I don't love him, you are right.
Startlife, I am together mostly, had a hard time in an abusive relationship, it made me stronger and determined to not take shit from any future men. It has also made me quite hard sometimes and unforgiving. I used to be so naive. Big tall walls!

OP posts:
Original poster
Buster71 · 05/07/2012 17:40

Thanks sgb, I had not put him in the dickhead category, but the red flags have started to appear, he is whiney and manipulative, it really grates actually. It was a relief to leave his place and run for home!

OP posts:
izzyizin · 05/07/2012 17:40

If he really does have it it won't have been caused by you and you'll have nothing to reproach yourself for.

I suggest you go no contact with Mr Hypochronidriac - and have a great holiday Grin

Original poster
Buster71 · 05/07/2012 17:42

No contact will be hard as I will occasionally have to see him at work and he does do jobs for me at work. I am not his boss, but the client so to speak....

OP posts:
izzyizin · 05/07/2012 17:43

Having a whiny wet dishrag of a man on your hands is irritating in the extreme.

Hang him out to dry, honey. Life's too short to waste on this kind of crap

InfiniteFairylights · 05/07/2012 17:48

I would say that he is blatantly trying to manipulate you. Don't let him. You have to say once and for all "Sorry, it's over" and then go completely No Contact. If he texts, delete without reading, if he calls, ignore. Any response, even "please stop phoning/ texting/ contacting me" will be seen as a way in, so ignore, ignore, ignore. It's not easy, but it has do be done.
Good luck x

Original poster
Buster71 · 05/07/2012 18:07

Am having déjà vu! Had to do that with exdp, he basically stalked me for 6 months after I threw him out. I know the drill, really did not think I would have to do this all over again. I hope he gives up easily, somehow I think he won't :(

That's it, had enough with men! Offs!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Buster71 · 05/07/2012 18:10

Oh and to top off a great day, ds has fallen off his bike and has an egg on his forehead, off to give him some tlc for a bit....

OP posts:
InfiniteFairylights · 05/07/2012 18:18

Oh poor DS Sad
How long were you single for between relationships?

Original poster
Buster71 · 05/07/2012 18:29

I was single for just over 18 months, liked it that way, did casually date for a couple of months then got with dp. Too soon really, need more time with just me and the kids.

Ds is now on the sofa with an ice pack, grazed nose and wanting dinner! Dd2 is stropping in her room and dd1 wants picking up from school. She was on a trip to Thorpe park. No time to dwell on stuff. Bouncing back yet again, am like a bloody bouncy ball!

OP posts:
InfiniteFairylights · 05/07/2012 19:18

I've been single for 4 years now and it's only been in the last 6 months or so that I've truly been ready to think about another relationship.
I thought i was, about 2 years ago, but 6 weeks with a needy, dramatic bloke showed me that I was wrong. 18 months of periodic texts and emails from him, asking why we couldn't work, taught me the importance of ignoring and not responding AT ALL! Hmm[Grin

Original poster
Buster71 · 05/07/2012 19:30

It's very draining isn't it? I want to run for the hills.

OP posts: