Have broken his heart, I can't switch my feelings back on...

[Buster71]

Will try and keep this to the point.
Have been with dp for 8 months, we both have kids, he has 1 and I have 3. We work in the same place albeit not for the same company. We got together on a work night out and all was good for the first 5 months or so. We met each others kids and family etc.

I knew from the start that his feelings were stronger than mine, he is a lovely man, very respectful and thoughtful. Great father and generally supportive. Everyone said this ones a keeper. So keep I did.

I was happy being single after an abusive relationship, waited till I thought I was over it before embarking on this unexpected relationship. In fact I was much stronger and so independent. I though dp could only enhance my life.

Fast forward 6 months, his irritating little habits that I brushed away suddenly became more irritating, he became clingy, needy and a bit possessive.

I have a large very loving family and explained from the start how they had really helped me when I needed them and that they would always be a constant in my life on a regular basis. He was fine with this, they welcomed him with open arms. I am very sociable and so was dp or so I thought. After time he wanted it to be just us, sulked every time there was a get together and wanted me to put him first.

I do a lot for him and his dd, willingly, support him and was always trying my best to be there. I work part time, life is hectic so don't always have to the energy or time to devote to him.
His neediness and bad habits have sent me running for the hills and he will not accept my reasons for wanting to end the relationship.
I hate hurting him and his dd whom I have become quite attached to, my kids really like him too, although dd1 who is 13 feels he takes me away from them.

WWYD?

Have namechanged for this in case anyone in rl knows me.

Any advice on how to minimise the pain I am causing would be wonderful and sorry this was so long, did not want to drip feed.

Yes, it really is, but just think, the sooner you go no contact, the sooner he'll be out of your life and you can go back to enjoying being single!

Remember, if it does become necessary, that it's not wrong or silly to involve the police if a dumped partner stalks you. Most of the time, these whinyarses manage to convince some other poor woman that they are misunderstood and adorable and fuck off out of your hair, but sometimes they become troublesome.

Thanks sgb, that happened last time, he switched his attentions to the next unsuspecting woman, then when she saw sense he tried with me again and I just ignored him, eventually he gave up.

Current dp is not as bad, I think I will get emotional blackmail for a while longer, but I can handle that I guess.

" I don't normally pander to anyone, but what if he really does have it?"

Then he deals with it with the people close to him. Not with his ex girlfriend. If you felt you could remain friends you might be able to support him but he sounds the type that is 'all or nothing'. You have to step firmly away or he'll think he still has a chance.

Oh yeah, the 'I've got cancer' thing. Well if he does have it, that's tough luck, but you didn't give it to him and you can't cure him by letting him clutch at you and whine 24/7. There are, presumably, other people in his life who can support him - and if he is such a wet whiny PITA that no one else wants to put up with him either, that's still not your problem and health care professionals can deal with him.

I don't think the issue is his neediness, possessiveness or wetness. If you had strong feelings for him, although those things would bother you, they might not be a reason to run for the hills. The issue is that you just don't feel the same about him. Rather than analyse the situation to the point where you end up cutting him off which I think is a really rude and cruel thing to do, make it clear that you really want to be there for him as a friend but you just don't feel the same way and it's all a bit heavy for you. If at this juncture he can't deal with it, then you say that you can't see him anymore.

What happended to people feeling flattered every now and then? I think we live in a world where clinginess is becoming part of a vicious circle because of the way we treat each other in relationships. Poor fella sounds like he's been hurt before, obviously thinks the world of you. He'll make someone else very happy i'm sure.

LB: Sorry but that's crap advice. Clingy whiners need telling once to chill out, and if they carry on, they need dumping. It is not healthy to expect a partner to focus on nothing but you and The Relationship, and just because someone 'loves' you doesn't mean you owe them anything. Being 'loved' by someone when you don't feel the same way is an awful burden because you can't win: if you are nice to him/her you are giving him/her false hope, if you are firm with him/her you are being 'unkind'... The only thing to do is dump and cut all contact.

Run away now! Massive, massive red flag in his behaviour about your family.

SGB is right. Cut all contact. If he has no one else to turn to with his phony stomach problems, you've only got to ask yourself why. Then you realise you made the right decision in calling it off.

EW Yuck OP. Don't pander, dump and don't look back.

Erase all contact details.

8 months is nothing and a bloody lucky escape.

Thanks Solid :)

I just feel a bit sorry for the guy. The OP said that he was thoughtful, respectable, lovely man etc.

It's all about different points of view. I was clingy with a boyfriend I had many years ago because he showed me no interest. With my current DP I'm not even slightly clingy. In fact it was only the one boyfriend that I have been clingy with.

This man might not be clingy with the next. I know several people who are clingy with one partner but not the next. He might be clingy because he finds the OP cold. I'm just trying to look at the other side of the story.

The one thing that is certain is that unfortunately, for both of their sakes, they should not be in a relationship. I agree that it will probably end with no contact but to be so blunt when he is having a hard time, is pretty rude imo.

Saying "you're a fat, lazy, whiny, self-obsessed, clingy twat" is rude.

Saying "there is no future in this relationship and I think for both our sakes it is best if we never have any contact from this point on" is kinder and more honest in the long run than "you're a nice guy and I hope we can be friends but..."

LB, I do feel sorry for him, but that's not a good enough reason to stay with him. It would only be out of guilt.

Essentially he is a nice guy, he has hangups like everyone, some of which I have only just cottoned onto. He used to say he wanted to look after me, I said that's ok but I like my independence. He does DIY jobs for me but expects payment in kind, which I don't feel comfortable with. He suffocates me and refuses to listen. I have given him plenty of slack. he is demanding, like another child. I want a man not a boy.

My feelings for him have never been that strong, not like his. I just can't give 100% to anyone except my kids. Whether that changes when I meet mr right who knows.

SGB is right, I am trying to soften the blow but he wants to fight for me, so I will be firm but respectful. I can't bring myself to kick him when he is down by pointing out the numerous other irritations, that would be cruel.

Oh and he does have family and friends, he is close to his sister, they know what has happened but he won't tell them about his health problem. He went and got a blood test today. I made him promise to do it. I think he has ibs, he is thinking worse case scenario.

One of his favourite expressions is "blow job for a blue job" which makes me heave!

Buster, count this a lucky escape, frankly. Don't be drawn into his poor-me pity party, he sounds desperately manipulative at a billion different levels. The sexual-favours-for-work stuff is just hideous, at a minimum.

Well done for spotting it before you got too much further in. You owe him nothing, now keep contact to the absolute minimum.

God! He's sounding worse with every post.

Demanding payment in kind? Euch!

Lucky escape if you ask me.

So basically he doesn't feel that you have the right to end the relationship?

Dangerous.

Don't feel sorry for him. You need to be firm and not let him manipulate you.

Dahlen, please don't get me started! The flood gates might open ;)

So looks like I have to bite the bullet yet again. Am really enjoying the peace and quiet, no kids, they are with their dad for the weekend, so its just me and the pooch.

I don't actually think he is dangerous, he does not have form in that way, I have met his ex and she moans a bit but nothing drastic, but he did tell me that he never loved her and that I am the only woman he has truly fallen for.

Actually, it was the payment in kind that finally made me decide to end it, the gall of the man!!

Eek, yuk, argh, he sounds revolting! What you had there is a NiceGuyTM - a selfish, nasty, manipulative prick who tells everyone how 'nice' he is and then whines about what cunts women are when they won't obey him and dance attendance on him. You are well rid, you really are. And at least you spotted early on (before moving in with him or getting PG) that he actually isn't what you or any woman with healthy boundaries want.

I think lucky escape is right, I am done and he knows it, accepting the fact is another matter.

He does have this facade of nice guy, everyones mate, do anything for you type but after I really got to know him that all fell away and I was left with mr moaning minnie, who bangs on and on about the same thing, often repeating himself.

Of course there is much more to it, I shant bore you all with his other annoying habits, of which there were many :)

Thanks for the advice everyone, I just needed some unbiased opinions x

1 week later and a serious chat (face to face) when he came over to collect his stuff. He still wants to fight for me (his words).

I did not spare his feelings, told him exactly how he made me feel and he has apologised unreservedly. Is taking all his bad habits on board and did not try and push the blame back to me, like my ex used to.

I said I need more space, he said he will wait as long as it takes..

The next day I get a HUGE bunch of beautiful flowers delivered. No note, just a text to say he means what he says.

So oh wise ones, what do I do now?

We have a holiday booked in 4 weeks time, he really wants to go, with his dd, but will accept the loss if needs be and not expect me to pay towards his loss iyswim.

Well you essentially didn't tell the truth, unless "more space" means "I want to be in Lands End and I want you in John O'Groats", so he's using that as a green light to keep trying.

SGB is going to kick your arse

I know! At least I pointed out all the things he did to annoy me and he had the good grace to look ashamed of himself.

Why do I feel so guilty then? I do feel sorry for him, but it does not bode well does it.

Family thinks I have been too harsh and should give him a 2nd chance

Look, you can't fake it. You've been completely honest about you feel about him on here, and as an objective observer, no matter what he's like, no matter how nice he is you are annoyed enough about him to post on here. It's just not tenable, is it? You can't have a relationship based on that. It's only been 6 months.

Oh god, why am I such a wimp!!!

In real life I am a strong willed woman who holds down a good job, looks after 3 amazing kids, kicks butt when needed. Yet I cannot seem to offload this guy. Its very frustrating