DS being taken to therapy for imaginary anxieties. Have other MNers had to deal with this?

[bouncyagain]

Briefly: ExDP and I split a year ago. Her decision, but the relationship was in a bad way for a while. There is one DS. He is now 4. He is at nursery.

I met a new DP very soon (I did not meet her until after the relationship ended). She has her own DCs. DS sees new DP once or twice a month. DS really likes new DP (we have not pushed this at all). He is a happy boy. He is pleased we split as (his words) it means you and mummy are not shouting any more. (Not true, but he doesn't see it.) He loves being at my place.

ExDP is anxious, and has been depressed.

She is finding his tantrums difficult. He is very well behaved and he only has tantrums with her. He only has tantrums with me when he does not want to go back to her, as he wants to spend more time with me.

ExDP has now started taking him to see a child psychologist. I have said I do not agree as he doesn't need therapy. She has ignored that. I am beside myself with worry - what will she do if he is ever bullied? Straight into a psych ward?

I am thinking seriously about getting a court order saying no therapy without consent of both parents.

Am I over-reacting? Have any MNers had to deal with this sort of issue?

Thanks for reading.

Also, no GP referral.

i think you may be over reacting here.
she obivo worried about him, and i can see why you might be concerened.
but as this age its nothing like councling adults have or even older children. it will be play theropy, he prob wont even relise hes being analized. i would have a converstation with your ex, see what all her worrys are and talk about it. with her.

she may be over reacting but shes trying her best for her little one. he will most deff act differently with her then he does with you.
how often do you see him can i ask?

She won't talk about it at all - just tells me to talk to the therapist. I have told the therapist I don't consent.

Yes, I know this sort of play therapy won't be too damaging, but I'm really worried about her building up a culture of therapy for him.

I have him once a week and every second weekend, and also extras at bank holidays and then some whole weeks for holidays.

I should have addded that I would like to have him a lot more but she won't allow it.

Do you realise that children often save their tantrums to the people they feel most comfortable and secure with?

If he has tantrums because he wants to spend more time with you, maybe he is less secure in your relationship?

Just offering a slightly different perspective. :o

Therapy may well work with the mum and she may benefit from the work and reach a more stable relationship with her son.

I have taken DS to a child psychologist following my separation and ex behaviour. He had two sessions. She thought he was doing well and had the tools to cope with the separation. We talked (in private) about some things to look for and what to do and that was it.

You're "bouncy again" but your ex and son clearly aren't. How do you know he doesn't need therapy? How do you know these anxieties are "imaginary"? You don't.

Lueji -

He has tantrums with me but only those that are normal for a 4 yo.

The ones he has with her (I saw one once) are massive - he was kicking and punching her and he tried to run back to my place.

She thinks his tantrums have no explanation other than that he is threatened by my new DP. He barely sees my new DP and I do loads with him all the time he is with me. She stays in the house and does things like bake cakes with him. Nothing wrong with that (it's a good thing IMO) but I take him to theatre, car racing, stuff like that which he really loves.

He said to me the other week "why won't mummy let me watch cbeebies in the morning?" What do I say to that?

Yes, you are over-reacting, I'm afraid. Going to court over this issue is a bad idea, it really is- I know you say that you and your exP are still shouting and arguing but I think taking it to such an extreme level may to irrevocable damage to any chance you both have of achieving a civil relationship.

I understand your fear, really- therapy is a big unknown for many of us. But it's very unlikely that this psychologist is as bad as you think- it's a child psychologist and this will be geared towards your son's level. It sounds like it's there for both your son and perhaps for your ex partner as well. So she can better understand him and what is going through his mind, and why he is behaving this way.

It must be incredibly hard for your ex to be the one that has to deal with the tantrums and I imagine it must be very hurtful and frightening for her, and can't be good for her anxiety and depression. If she can find a way to understand what's going on and give your son an avenue to express himself then surely that's a good thing?

I honestly do sympathise with your predicament, but I think in this case your fear could be allayed by having some contact with this psychiatrist or reading up on what type of methods they are using and things like that.

From what you've said it sounds like part of the reason you are so upset about this psychiatrist is the fact that you have no say and it's an example of how you do not see your son as much as you'd like and see this situation as proof of how much less of a role in your child's life you have, despite wanting more. Seeing him so little must be incredibly hard and it sounds like your frustration over these restrictions is being focused on this one issue. I hope in time you both manage to figure out an arrangemet that lets you see him more often.

Chubfuddler - yes, exDP deff not bouncy. I was until this all happened.

I find your recation to the idea of therapy very strange. You are 'beside yourself with worry'? Really?! Do you think psychologists read minds or

If the child's mother feels a psychologist might help with his anxieties and tantrums, what harm do you actually think this can do? Psychologists do not 'analyse' children but they do help to provide strategies to manage difficult behaviour. If your xp is dealing with ds's difficult behaviour it sounds like an excellent idea. If you have not seen examples of the behaviour she talks about that may well be beacuse he behaves differently with you and with his main carer.

If he doesn't need a psychologist and xp is somehow inventing problems then the worst that can happen is the psychologist will say 'well there's a lovely normal child, now let's work with you, xp, to deal with the bits of his behaviour you find problematic'.

Are you one of those people who believe that psychologists have the power of mind control?

It's really unusual for a child that age to prefer parents to live apart, and this makes me wonder how much shit he has witnessed between the two of you (you already said that you still argue). The fact that he prefers you apart makes me feel quite sad for him.

He obviously misses you, and this is normal. How do you support your son in doing the handovers for contact? Do you speak to in a positive way about his mother to him?

I don't think seeing a child psych will do any harm, it might help him work through his feelings through play. He has experienced a lot of change in his vey short life, and might need some help in understanding and accepting his new circumstances.

Oogaballoo - Yes, really upset at how she has handled it. My views don't count. They never did though.

I think I'm with you, OP, about the "culture of therapy" thing.

It all seems over the top really, including your suggestion of a court order.

I think you both need to calm down.

Maybe she doesn't let him watch cbeebies on the morning for the same reason I don't let my son watch tv all day eg. I want to interract with him, and I want him to play with his toys and use his imagination. It shouldn't be too difficult for you to tell him there are different rules at different houses. Good luck with it all.

And Oggaballoo, let's not get mixed up with psychologists (play therapy, parenting techniques, counselling) and psychiatrists (medical/ drugs).
Very different fish.

Sorry, my post was a bit antagonistic. What I mean is maybe you should both give it time and try not to worry so much.

Also, you say in your OP 'imaginary anxieties' but then go on I post about how he hits and punches his mother during these tantrums. Your exp's anxieties do not sound very 'imaginary'...

grasshopper - I always speak positively to him about his mother. Her anxieties are not imaginery - what is imaginery is that he is upset by the situation.

Someone else asked whether we shouted in front of him. Yes. It was horrible. He used to sit there crying. That's why he's so much happier now.

Fredworms - thanks. I just wish she would communicate and listen to what I think but she only ever makes her own decisions that I am supposed to go along with. She is actively trying to exclude me from his life.

Im afraid I very much doubt that he is not upset by the situation. He is 4. Separation of his parents is a massive deal, even if it is ultimately a positive step. He is upset.

OK, if you think he is happy with the situation, what do you think is causing his tantrums with his mother?

Poor little boy. Since your ex has suggested you talk to the therapist, why don't you do that (in a non-confrontational way, obviously)? He/she will talk you through how child therapy works and it might put your mind at rest.

OP I have this my 10yr old is a little shit for me and an angel for his Dad. His behaviour at school is terrible. Had CAHMS referral (which his Dad attended and said he felt there was nothing wrong with any of his behaviour). CAHMS have referred for an ADHD assessment.

Your DS is playing you both!

If you have witnessed your DS having very out of control tantrums, but you think that therapy for him is wrong, how do you think they should be addressed? Discipline? Ignoring his expressions of upset and anger? Preventing him having contact with his mother?

I think that you are looking at this from your own perspective too much. It is not surprising that you would feel hurt, upset and perhaps even a bit embarrassed at the fact that your son needs some professional help. You probably feel a bit powerless, especially with not seeing your son very often, and that the involvement of a 3rd part feels like further power being taken from you. But it is not about you, it is about what your son needs to deal with the problems he has faced in his young life. He is clearly upset about something. What real reason do you have for not taking every avenue to help him?

Do you see him by court order?

I find it interesting that you say you wish you had more time with him but prefer to go to court to try to prevent 'therapy' rather that using your money more wisely by trying to gain more contact/shared residence