DS being taken to therapy for imaginary anxieties. Have other MNers had to deal with this?

[bouncyagain]

Briefly: ExDP and I split a year ago. Her decision, but the relationship was in a bad way for a while. There is one DS. He is now 4. He is at nursery.

I met a new DP very soon (I did not meet her until after the relationship ended). She has her own DCs. DS sees new DP once or twice a month. DS really likes new DP (we have not pushed this at all). He is a happy boy. He is pleased we split as (his words) it means you and mummy are not shouting any more. (Not true, but he doesn't see it.) He loves being at my place.

ExDP is anxious, and has been depressed.

She is finding his tantrums difficult. He is very well behaved and he only has tantrums with her. He only has tantrums with me when he does not want to go back to her, as he wants to spend more time with me.

ExDP has now started taking him to see a child psychologist. I have said I do not agree as he doesn't need therapy. She has ignored that. I am beside myself with worry - what will she do if he is ever bullied? Straight into a psych ward?

I am thinking seriously about getting a court order saying no therapy without consent of both parents.

Am I over-reacting? Have any MNers had to deal with this sort of issue?

Thanks for reading.

Totally agree with Oxford. Actually find your op quite disturbing. You come across as being far more concerned about retaining control than the actual well being of your ds. I think you would be insane to take this to court.

Why on earth would you be 'beside yourself with worry' over your son going to see a therapist - what do you imagine is going to happen?

It sounds more like you are delighted to have an opprtunity to paint your ex as a bad mother - the little digs about how she doesn't do enough with him and the inference that she can't cope while everything is hunky dory at yours.

How do you know she has anxiety and depression, by the way?

In answer to your question 'Am I over-reacting?' I would say hell yes.

What is it that you are so concerned about? Do you imagine a four year old to be lying on a couch being quizzed about his dreams by a scary Freud-like figure? I don't know how a child psychologist works but I would imagine it is just someone talking to and playing with your child.

What is the possible harm in trying to help a four year old express his complicated emotions (because they can't express them in the same way we can)? If he is acting out with the person he spends the most time with that is because that is where he feels safest doing so, rather than because he is desperately unhappy being with his mother (is this what you think?). And he is most likely having tantrums because his emotions are spilling over and he needs to get them out. So wouldn't seeing a child psychologist who is an expert in this area (and doesn't expect children to be over a difficult experience like fighting and divorcing parents) possibly help him? In any case, where is the harm?

What is the relevance of your ex having anxiety and depression? Do you think there is a stigma attached to mental health issues (which affect a huge number of people by the way) and is that where your fear of the child psychologist comes from?

Would you have mentioned it in your OP if she had a physical condition like diabetes?

If you want to make your son happy then the best way to deal with it is not to go to court over something that your ex is doing to try and make his life better (or go to court over anything as it will only increase animosity between you) but to try and have as amicable a co-parenting arrangement as possible.

It takes two people to have an argument so if you see it that your ex is the cause of the shouting be a bigger person. What are you shouting about? If you are unable to have a civilised discussion then perhaps put things in an email instead of talking on the phone. But don't ever do the shouting in front of your son.

I would suggest reading the book 'The Guide for Separated Parents: Putting Your Children First'.

I only think that it reflects well on your ex that she is doing this for him.

Just been looking at the book I mentioned (Guide for Separated Parents) and I quote:
"All children are upset by their parents' separation at first and during the first year will show signs of fear, anger, guilt and depression... Where reactions continue beyond the first year or during the first year appear unusually intense, it may be useful to see a child psychologist for some assistance on helping your child to deal with how they are feeling"

So, I would say your ex is doing exactly what is recommended.

^

As a psychologist myself (although not a child psychologist), i can tell you that the psych she's taken him too will see right through it. He'll come to no harm there, they'll know how to deal with him in a fairly benign and passive way if it is in fact all the creation of your ex.

Don't both going to court over it, i think that would affect your son more. When he's a bit older he'll refuse the treatment if he thinks it's a load of bollocks anyway.

bouncy - like I said, you'll get some people on here trying to say your wrong for being concerned about your ex's action and trying to paint you as a bad person and against helping your kid.

wheezo - the issue is the mum not involving the father in a HUGE decision, not whether therapy is needed or not.

Apparently, the mother is the one with the issues dealing with this child, so if she feels the need to ask a psychologist to help her, it's her decision.

If the OP had the tantruming child at home, would you ask the mother?
Honestly.

mykidsrock - do you really think the answer is to go to court? Surely if the issue as you see is a problem with communication there must be a better way to help two parents communicate with each other?

Can't recommend that book (Guide for separated parents) highly enough. If both parents read it and agree to put their children first then as long as one of them isn't abusive to the other one they can learn to work together for the sake of the children.

But I don't believe that if one person lives with the DCs the majority of the time they have to involve the other parent in every single decision affecting the DCs. It's one matter if they are considering moving some distance away from the other parent for example and I don't think it's fair to make such a decision without both parents being involved (barring abuse).

But if the main carer is having issues with the DCs' behaviour then they have the right to find a way to deal with it. If that solution is to get help from a trained expert then I don't see why the other parent should be 'beside themselves with worry'. I would be 'beside myself with worry' if I thought the other parent was mistreating my DCs in some way. Not if they were trying to help them (even if I thought because of weird beliefs about therapy being 'weak' or some such that that wouldn't be my solution) deal with any difficult emotions they might be experiencing.

Lueji said it better!

Thought I'd posted on this thread but can't find my post.

What I did mean to say is, there is no way a person who only sees his child for the odd day can know whether he is suffering from real anxities or not. Even my dd can hold it together for that long and she is suicidal (as in "has genuinely attempted"). Relatives who only see her in her leisure time have genuinely no idea.

Whatever anxieties a person actually feels are real anxieties, quite regardless of whether the people around him feel they are justified. It's not about you, OP, it's about your son.

Therapists are not evil people lying in wait to label children and confine them to strait jackets: they are very used to helping children to sort out minor problems so that they can then go back to their normal lives and never see a therapist again.

Ds saw a therapist when he was upset about his diagnosis of a potentially disabling medical condition- I would imagine that would be a similar level of anxiety to having witnessed an acrimonious break-up. After 4 or 5 sessions he had learnt to handle his feelings and has never needed to go back.

Would you take your ex to court to stop her taking your ds to the GP about a stomach pain? If not, why to stop her taking to another expert for another problem? What on earth do you think therapists do?

I also don't see why going to therapy is seen as such a huge decision. If the child was ill with a fever, would the parent be expected to consult the other as to whether the child should see a doctor? Much of this issue seems to stem from the stigma that is attached to mental health issues, and perhaps a residual belief that if you ignore it, it will go away of its own accord and that tackling it head on will stop the person 'just getting over it'.

I do notice the OP hasn't been back to this thread for a while. I hope he is still reading and isn't deliberately left because he didn't get the responses he wanted.

Just in case you do care for your child, here is one point.

You think him not having tantrums with you is a good thing, don't you?

Actually it is a very bad sign, children actually are most likely to be badly behaved when they are where they are most secure. If he is anxious with you, he will try very hard to "hold it in" so as to not be rejected or "shouted at", he has seen this happen between you and your EXP, and seen the consequences. So him not tantruming in your care seems like a very worrying sign to me.

Also children of this age can have all kinds of emotional issues but really struggle to express them, as they do not have the vocabulary to do so. The problem is that these worries can still manifest themselves months and years later, a good child psychologist can help them express themselves in other ways.