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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just want a break from feeling crazy!

68 replies

wantstosleepnow · 30/06/2012 15:36

My brain is non stop at the moment, I feel a bit unhinged.

But to everyone else I'm fine.

I really want to leave my husband, this thought is going round constantly in my head. He is a lovely bloke, I do love him but I want to be on my own so much it hurts.

We have young DC, he is a great Dad.

It would kill him if I told him, he thinks things are fine. I don't know where he would go if I asked him to go. I have always kind have felt this way, it comes and goes but this time it's so strong I cant see it just going.

What is wrong with me?

OP posts:

tribpot · 30/06/2012 15:53

Do you need some time on your own, I mean just physically alone, rather than needing to be out of the relationship? Can you go away for the weekend or for a few days to clear your head? It can be unbelievably wearing just being around people all the time, always needing something from you.

veritythebrave · 30/06/2012 15:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 30/06/2012 16:08

Thanks for replying. I have had time on my own before, it changes nothing. I want him to leave and for me to be alone. He hasn't done anything at all and nothing has changed. I just have a need to be on my own. I'm 27 and we have been together 10 yrs. I think this has something to do with it.

I think I am going to tell him, but I know as soon as I do he's going to hurt so much and it will be my fault. Why can't I just be happy with him. I love him and he's lovely, why do I feel like this?

OP posts:

veritythebrave · 30/06/2012 16:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TeacakeTilly · 30/06/2012 16:59

Apart from having DCs I can totally sympathise with you as I'm going through the same thing. Are you the same as me in that you want to want to stay but don't know how to want it or why you don't (if that convoluted sentence makes any sense!)?

amillionyears · 30/06/2012 17:55

this may be a silly question.but your name is wantstosleepnow.Are you sleep deprived.And if you are,how do you feel,if you can remember,when you are fully rested.
Could you present it to him,that you need time on your own from him.professional people sometimes have sabaticals.Every 10 years they have a 3 month break.tbh,this sounds like what you personally need right now.

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 30/06/2012 18:19

No that NN was from when DC4 was a baby, she is 2 now.

It's so hard to describe, I like him, I like being around him but I want my freedom, my own future. I don't think a break would cut it

I'm worried I will tell him, he will upset so I'll downplay it and just carry on.

Or what if we break up and I realise it was a massive mistake. But when I think about it I can remember so many 'happy memories' tinted with doubt.

OP posts:

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 30/06/2012 18:21

I'd love to just be happy Tilly, that's always been my wish, to be content.

He is perfect for me, no one will ever love me more. But I just want to be alone so much right now.

OP posts:

tribpot · 30/06/2012 18:46

I think it's one of those dreadful situations where you want two things that are fundamentally incompatible with each other. It's not surprising that, having been with him your entire adult life, you find yourself wanting to spread your wings and see what else is out there. That's not intended as a criticism of him at all, it's just a fact.

You also don't want to hurt him, and know he is a very good man for you, and the father of your dc. That's a hell of a lot to gamble with. Plus he doesn't sound like he's done anything to cause you to feel this way - he loves you. But you don't love him, not in the same way. It's awful but it happens.

Why do you feel you are not free because you are with him? That you don't have your own future? I would have thought the two dc you have together were tying you down more than he was? Can you give an example of what you want to do that you can't do but you could do if you were single? (Shagging other men notwithstanding).

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 30/06/2012 19:55

That's a good question tribpot. I just want to be able to go out and not feel guilty, he does make me feel a bit guilty, like I should t want to go out so much. I want to have male friends without feeling guilty.

These are just little things btw, most of all I just want to be on my own. Being a single mum doesnt put me off tbh. I quite like that idea (Naive maybe?)

I feel quite bitter that I got pregnant at 17 by him, obviously I made that decision too, but he was 28 so had lived his life.

I also had an affair 6 yrs ago. Obviously I regret it - he found out.
But I also want to not be the person who cheated for the rest of my life. I made a mistake when I was 21, I want to forget it!! He is not nasty about that, just insecure - obviously I know this is my fault and it's selfish of me to want rid of that feeling but I can't help it!

OP posts:

tribpot · 30/06/2012 20:12

I can't help laughing at the idea of a 28-year-old having lived his life although in fairness he had certainly lived more life than an 17 year old. Perhaps it's unfair but I regard that as quite a large gap given your relative ages (at the time, I mean, less so now).

It sounds as if the after-effects affair might be still lingering. Presumably the reason he makes you feel guilty about going out / having male friends is because of mistrust or insecurity after your affair. That sounds like something you need to confront, rather than run away from; there is another thread running where the OP bitterly regrets an affair about 6 years ago too, and despite extensive effort, the DH has never really got past it.

Does it seem easier just to start a clean sheet and put your baggage behind you? Life isn't really like that, especially not where children are involved. But to get past a betrayal like an affair requires effort on both parts to rebuild trust. If he can't or won't do that, you may be better off apart. Have you had relationship counselling?

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 30/06/2012 21:06

We tried counselling, it wasn't for us.

We do confront the affair, we talk about the lack of trust. He says I have to reassure him, which I do.

It's just always going to be there. Yes I would love a clean sheet, wouldn't we all.

But these do seem like mInor issues still when all that is going on in
My head is shouting that I just don't want to be in a relationship. Ever.

I like closeness and intimacy but I don't think I could ever be happy in a couple. Is that strange? I think it's what it boils down to.

How do I explain that to him?

OP posts:

Yogii · 30/06/2012 21:11

Go. You'd be doing him a favour and one day he'd realize that. Take comfort from that when you tell him.

tribpot · 30/06/2012 21:35

I do think your brain is being pretty clear about what it wants, wantstosleepnow. I think it would be unwise to ignore that - but perhaps you do need to explore why you don't want to be in a couple, why you think you could never be happy. Are you stifled by his insecurity? I understand your behaviour was very hurtful for him, but when do you get off probation? I think I've said virtually the same thing on the other thread but essentially at some point either he has to trust you or decide he can't. Either reaction is perfectly understandable but you both have to move past this issue, one way or another.

likeatonneofbricks · 30/06/2012 21:37

you should go, you feel trapped and it can only get worse. If you realise it's a mistake later then at least you've made your own choices and learned something - but I think you won't regret it as you literally NEVER been on your own since 17, not had noone to answer to.

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 30/06/2012 22:01

I think the fact my heart jumped when I saw a few people telling me to go shows me that its what I really want. I think the comment that at least it will be my own decision is probably right.

What do I say though to him? It's going to completely come out of the blue. He always asks me if i love him and I always say yes.

Because I do, more than anyone. But this feeling is too strong.

OP posts:

tribpot · 30/06/2012 22:14

I think you can only be brutally honest, there is no sugar-coating this pill. At least you can say with an honest heart that you love him, that there's no-one else, and that you're deeply sorry that you want to end your marriage, that it's nothing he's done but just the fact you are not the same person at 27 that you were at 17. That you could wish it could be any other way but you need to move ahead with your life and give him the chance to do the same.

likeatonneofbricks · 30/06/2012 22:22

try to explain that you've never been your own person and as much you love him, you feel like you are changing, and that deciding to commit at 17 was bound to be a risky decision for any person (i.e. you didn't really know yourself then, and you never had a chance to properly know what you are about).

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 30/06/2012 22:44

Oh god I am crying so much and he's asleep next to me.

Fuck, this is going to kill him. I wish I could be the person he and my DC deserve, but I'm not.

OP posts:

likeatonneofbricks · 30/06/2012 22:50

it may not be as bad as you are expecting if you manage to stay genuine friends, once the wound starts healing. Tbh the way he is insecure about you going out doesn't show that it's very healthy for him to stay in r-ship also, it may strangely work out better if you co-parent, it's not like you aer leaving him not to see him again. This is of course if he doesn't turn nasty, but I hope he wouldn't.

likeatonneofbricks · 30/06/2012 22:51

Also if you are really meant to spend your lives together, it's not impossible to get back together at some point if you both wanted to.

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 30/06/2012 23:12

Thanks for talking to me, I have come down stairs now.

Once we break up he won't want to remain friends, it will hurt him too much. He'll see the kids but he won't have anything to do with me.

OP posts:

likeatonneofbricks · 30/06/2012 23:17

maybe to start with, but you never know. I don't mean very close friends but still you can care about each other as this can't really just switch off. Tbh even for the sake of dc you shouldn't be enemies. Don't think it will be easy for btw - it will take a while to disentangle from your h emotionally. It's just inevitable with break ups but people do move on, most of them.

likeatonneofbricks · 30/06/2012 23:17

easy for you, I meant

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 30/06/2012 23:44

I'm going to wake him and tell him, I've wrote him a letter. This can't carry on untill tomorrow. I'm a wreck

OP posts:

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