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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I just want a break from feeling crazy!

68 replies

wantstosleepnow · 30/06/2012 15:36

My brain is non stop at the moment, I feel a bit unhinged.

But to everyone else I'm fine.

I really want to leave my husband, this thought is going round constantly in my head. He is a lovely bloke, I do love him but I want to be on my own so much it hurts.

We have young DC, he is a great Dad.

It would kill him if I told him, he thinks things are fine. I don't know where he would go if I asked him to go. I have always kind have felt this way, it comes and goes but this time it's so strong I cant see it just going.

What is wrong with me?

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 01/07/2012 21:54

Have you got the kids with you? I don't think you should leave them with him as it probaby won't be good for them.

MistyRocks · 02/07/2012 08:07

Agree with SGB.

how are you today OP? x

Inadeeptrance · 02/07/2012 09:04

As SGB said, you don't need anyone's permission to end the relationship if you are unhappy.

It sounds like you've been unhappy for a while. I also think individual counselling would help you to figure out what you want.

luzluz · 02/07/2012 11:03

Good for you. You have the right to be on your own if that is what you want. It is a red flag the way you're feeling and he has become adept at manipulating your emotions to get you to stay - crying in front of the children is a ploy to get you to change your mind and stay right where he wants you.

He might not be a really terrible person but he is subtley controlling/manipulating you to get you to live your life in a way that fulfils his wishes and not yours. It is/would be a very empty life living out someone else's idea of what you should be doing.

Stay strong.

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 02/07/2012 11:16

I am ok today thanks.

Stayed away last night, had a chat this morning. He said I should
Move out if I want space. I said I'm not going anywhere. He has
Not got anywhere to go either so it's a bit awkward at the moment. We will take turns in staying away/working shifts. The thing is he wants to share childcare equally. Lately he has been the main carer as I have been on placement full time for 8 weeks, so I can't just chuck him on the streets. He has as much rights as me

But I'm not sure how long we can live together before it gets awful, and this is not what I wanted anyway, I wanted to be on my own.

It is going to take a few months to afford a bedsit/flat that we can take turns to live in. I just don't see this working!!

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 02/07/2012 12:04

Talk to WOmen's Aid. This man is abusive, they will believe you and they will be able to help you. He is smothering you, using emotional blackmail to make you obey him and using the children to manipulate you as well. Just because he doesn;t hit you (yet - it may well come BTW and he will say you drove him to it and it';s because he loves you so much) doesn't mean that he isn't a selfish, toxic partner who doesn't percieve you as a person at all. He thinks you exist for his benefit.

kinkynagbag · 02/07/2012 12:08

firstly i wanted to say your very brave.
uour post rings home to me, but being on the other side of it. youv done the right thing and things will get better.

but i do not hink its compelely fair to assume he should be the one to move out, you have decided to be on your own, he does nothing wrong, it just seems to be unfair to jump to that conclusion. whislt making sure you work on shifts and time not together i dont think taking turns to live in a flat/bedsit is going to qwork, how could it?

kinkynagbag · 02/07/2012 12:12

solid... how have you come to the conlusion that he is abusive?

because he cried? yes doing it infront of the children is not cool nor is it fair, but hes emotional distressed, doesnt mean he did it on purpose.

he tried to reseans with her to not go.. i think its fai given it was a shock to him and loves her. if he continues to do this. then yes , but at that moment intime when he hast had to time to think it all through, whilst still in shock. i dont think hes behaviour is to out there.

she has said she always felt liek this, and tried to work over it. she hasnt said he kept her there, i read it as she just tried to carry out a normal relationship with him, ignoring her need to be on her own. i dont see where she has said that hes controlled her at all?

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 02/07/2012 12:38

I know he's not abusive. I have not told him how I feel before so this is a massive shock to him. He has said he is sick of crying now so he is going to walk away if he cries.

The way I feel is my problem, he has done nothing wrong. We are just different.

I don't think the bedsit/house thing will
Work either but I have no other solution. Neither of us can afford a house to fit 4 kids, neither of us wants to be a part time parent.

I am hoping something will come up, one
Of his mates will need a house mate or something I don't
Know!!!

OP posts:

solidgoldbrass · 02/07/2012 15:27

I reckon he's abusive because he is suffocating the OP and has been doing so since she was a teenager; he thinks he's her owner and is trying to prevent her from escaping. No one needs a partner's permission to end a relationship.

maleview70 · 02/07/2012 19:22

Man tells women he wants to leave her because he wants to be on his own.

Responses on here would range from:

He must have another women, how could he do that to his wife and kids, he is selfish, he is a bastard, make sure you take him for what you can, go and see a solicitor and make sure you get your share. Check the computer etc etc....

Woman comes on and says the same

Man is abusive, controlling, should move out to share a bedsit? shouldn't cry in front of his kids ( I don't suppose a women who had just been told this has never cried in front of her kids has she?) and everyone should be allowed to leave when they want to......as long as its not men leaving their wives then obviously!

kinkynagbag · 02/07/2012 20:13

she feels suffiocated becasue of HER feelings of wanting to be alone, he hasnt stopped her from going out, seeing friends, working, going to uni. i dont see where she has wrote hes behaviour the whole relationship has been out the norm?

im new to mn and it seems every thread that is started the guy is abusive and a dick. must be cheating. or they have some other personailty disorder.

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 02/07/2012 20:56

He is really not abusive, even MY close friends don't think bad of him.

OP posts:

maleview70 · 02/07/2012 21:20

I actually feel for you OP but some of the posts on here are just ridiculous.

Sometimes people just grow apart and moving on is the risht thing to do. However, you have four children and it wont be easy.

How would you feel if you left and then your ex met someone else in a few months time? My ex didnt want me but when I met someone else she was absolutely gutted. God knows why. I dont understand that at all.

Will you be happy wth him finding happiness? Will you accept his new partner and be happy that she becomes part of your childrens lives?

If the answer is yes to both then follow your feelings. If the answer is no then you need to think it through....

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 02/07/2012 21:32

I would be very happy if he met someone new.

This was one of the things that told me I needed to break from him. I want him to be happy with someone else so much.

OP posts:

amillionyears · 02/07/2012 21:41

kinkynagbag,welcome to MN.I have been on MN about 6 months,and what you describe does seem to be getting worse.
There are quite a large number of posters that have been very hurt in the past,and this can be reflected in how they view relationships in particular.
Dont have the answer to it all really,and sometimes wonder whether this forum and others like it,how long they can continue,without significant numbers of other posters leaving.
But then,what do I know.It could well be still here in 10 years time and thriving.
wantstosleepnow,hope you and your partner and your children all find peace.

Opentooffers · 02/07/2012 23:07

Solid obviously has issues to deal with of her own. How is it that you have felt trapped for at least the last 6 years, but had a DC 2 years ago? Not to mention a total of 4 DC's. I hope you realise how much hard work being a single Mum of 4 will be, you may feel just as trapped then.
It never ceases to amaze me why people have many DC's in such bad circumstances. I feel for the children, I don't understand why people do that? Anyone care to explain it??

Original poster

wantstosleepnow · 03/07/2012 08:16

After my affair I honestly thought I could just get on with it and bury those feelings. We were happiest after having the DC, I always felt content. But as soon as I started leaving the house more my mind would fill with these thoughts all the time. This past year has been really hard for me. Have vowed so many times to stop being crazy and put the family first.

It's when I found myself disconnecting from him and the kids that I knew I couldn't carry on. I know it sounds strange but the kids don't make me feel trapped. It's not nights out and days away I crave. It's choices, and choice for the kids as well. I am staying at my mates empty house this wkend and dreading it. He is going away next wkend and I can wait to be in the house on my own with the kids.

OP posts:

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