I just want a break from feeling crazy!

[wantstosleepnow]

My brain is non stop at the moment, I feel a bit unhinged.

But to everyone else I'm fine.

I really want to leave my husband, this thought is going round constantly in my head. He is a lovely bloke, I do love him but I want to be on my own so much it hurts.

We have young DC, he is a great Dad.

It would kill him if I told him, he thinks things are fine. I don't know where he would go if I asked him to go. I have always kind have felt this way, it comes and goes but this time it's so strong I cant see it just going.

What is wrong with me?

I understand why you feel that way, but I really don't think waking him up is going to help - although if you have no-one to take the kids tomorrow it would be torture waiting until tomorrow evening.

Oh op

I'm afraid I'm not brave enough to do that and leave DH, but the fundamental difference here Is that I don't want to leave him, but like you I had an affair and the trust is gone

I just want DH to tell me he loves me.

Sorry to throw a spanner in the works but how are you feeling in yourself otherwise? Is this just about your dh or are you yourself not happy? I am just wondering because sometimes depression or anxiety can manifest as something else like in your case a deeply held belief that you need to make one decision and then you will feel better.
By all means leave him if that is your truth but I wonder is there something else going on within your psyche that you would do well to explore with a therapist on your own before making this monumental decision.
Just an idea...

I did it. I woke him and gave him the letter. I told him I need space. He didn't listen and thinks it best that I go to counselling which is what is fundamentally wrong with why i don't want to be in a relationship. I know what's best for me, but he has pushed through what he thinks is best for me.

Hi Op

Sorry you are in this position but looking back at me at 17 to me now at 32 I can understand where you are coming from.

What are you going to do now that he has reacted that way? If you plan to go ahead with it you are going to have to be very calm and firm.

For example
Him. You need counselling
You. That maybe but I have made up my mind and this is going to happen
Him. You don't know what you are doing
You. I have though long and hard and this is what is going to happen.

He will probably try and throw a lot of logic at you and you can't get into that... Don't debate it with him. You have made up your mind and this is what is happening.

Try not to get in a screaming match, he will be able to use that to prove how emotional you are.

Calm but firm

Good luck

I'm going to suggest too that you try some counseling.

To look into issues in your family of origin - why you say you want to have a close and intimate relationship but not as part of a couple.

Look back to into the reasons why you had an affair, was it validation you were looking for from your affair partner? Have you always needed this?

I hear you say you want to be alone yet you talk of wanting males friends and having had an affair, it doesn't square up.

I think a comment on this thread has stuck with me.

'it might not be the right decision, but it's my decison'

I had an affair because I felt trapped, when he found out I so badly wanted him not to hurt anymore that I tried for the next 6yrs to make it up to him.

I am worried if I don't end it now and I try counselling that I will end up wanting to make it right again and pushing it to the back again and I'll always feel like this.

He said surely its worth a try, I feel pressured again.
He said don't I want to try everything first before I let go, I'm not sure I do.

He said if I could have a magic wand what would I wish for and I said I would wish that I didn't exist so I couldn't hurt anyone.

What do you feel trapped by? Him? Or the responsibilities of family & marriage?

When I suggested counseling, I meant individual counseling rather than couples counseling to try and help you work out why you feel as you do.

Sounds like you've been unhappy for a long time and resenting the fact that you feel you've missed out on things by settling down so young. At lot of times people stay in relationships that they know aren't right for them because of fear. Fear of loneliness, fear of hurting them and fear of having to deal with uncomfortable situations. If he had actually done something wrong it would be easier but he hasn't and you are still feeling guilty about your affair and guilty about not loving him enough so it makes it twice as hard to be honest. You can't live a pretend life forever, you have to be true to yourself or you risk becoming depressed and bitter in the long term and he deserves someone who loves him fully. Think about this over the next couple of days and think about what you are going to say. The main thing is to be very clear about your reasons so that he can understand and that you have the strength and conviction deep down to stand by your decision. Be prepared for him to suspect another affair, to get emotional and say hurtful things etc etc but you will feel like a weight has been lifted from you and once the storm has calmed down hopefully you can both agree on a mature rational decision as to where you go from here. Ultimately your child should be your number one priority. Although you are happy to be a single mum, your DC will be very much affected by a split and needs to be loved and supported through it and to understand why it's happening. Good luck xxxxx

I don't feel trapped by my DC's, which is strange as I have 4. I feel trapped by being part of a couple, I feel like I can never be me. He's not stopping me as such but I do feel stopped from being me.

He will never understand my reasons. Give him a few days and he will feel angry at me that I am so selfish that I couldn't just get over it. It hurts me the most knowing that he won't understand and he'll hate me.

Thank you for your post Jac, it's the thought that he deserves better than half a wife which he has currently got, but he won't understand that as he thinks he is happy with me like this and I just need to work on it.

I feel more determined today and I'm so worried he's goin to wake up with hope. He is still in bed btw.

Sorry that was a response to your original post. Well done for beIng brave and saying how you feel. Sounds like he is the dominant one in the relationship, possibly because of the age gap as you have gone along with his wishes over your own and now feel frustrated and it sounds like this isn't the first time you've felt like this. Maybe individual counselling might be an idea, not to help you stay with him but to help you to gain the self confidence to do the right thing and stand by your decision. He is in denial trying to delay the inevitable, therefore it's down to you to be the strong one. This isn't going to be easy so get all the support you can x

He's obviously been running the show all this time, and i can so understand how you can feel trapped and fed up to have to adapt to him - btw this can be done subtly rather than in an openly domineering way, and he is very good at making you feel guilty/coming across as very hurt. But think about this - is he thinking about what YOU want and what you may be happy with? to me, it's all about his happines, and you could just 'work on it'. It's easy at 17 to get under an older person't thumb, especially if they are quite nice (nothing obvious to rebel against).

I think he is mainly thinking about saving the family. He is not controlling in a way that I listen to any of what he says. I am really independent and have recently gone to uni and started to do my own thing. But I feel a constant guilt, that I shouldn't want to have time away from him or enjoy myself if it's not with him. He wants much more than I can give.

I am sleeping out tonight and have spent the day in bed and at my sisters. It's so painful to be around him, he's not saying anything but I can see him coming apart.

My sister thinks I'm rushing into it. It won't come as a surprise to my real friends, they know my personality and they can see I'm not meant for long term.

This thread is helping lots as without I'd think I was a selfish bitch breaking up a family.

Oh wantstosleepnow I have just started a thread similar to yours. I have been with my dh for 29 years since I was 18. I also had an affair 3 years ago, confessed and have been trying to make up for it ever since. I feel so crap though. Selfish and horrible. My dh works away a lot and I get attracted to other people, one in particular but I definitely dont want to go down the affair route again. I am worried I will regret leaving, but feel so unhappy deep down. I also spend days laying in bed crying. My dh is a good man it is a horrible situation to be in. Hugs to you xxxx

wanttosleep

i was in a similar situation to you (except i only had one dc) had been with exH 8 years since the age of 18 and had totally changed as a person and grown apart from him. ours was a teenage relationship that should never have gone on more than a couple of years tbh but out of fear i stuck with him. i missed out on so much, job opportunities, going to uni, working abroad, making friends, buying a house, because of him holding me back and because of my own fear of being on my own

but breaking up was the best thing i ever did. i wanted to be on my own, i didn't see my self in a new relationship, i just wanted to NOT be with someone and "find myself" as cheesy as that sounds . but ironically i met my now DH within a few months after the split even though i TOTALLY wasn't looking! and within 18 months i had given birth to our DD :o and now 5 1/2 years later we are blissfully happy. it was not all plain sailing, but now EXH is very happy with someone else, and has a good relationship with DS.

please don't feel bad, you deserve (and will get) so much more. you are at uni now and that is your first step towards a better future. and in the end your H will find happiness again and probably deep down realise that things were not right with you

please keep posting and you are welcome to Pm me if you want x

Starsandsky I am also attracted to anything and everything, I haven't split because I want to peruse this I have split because it'a not fair on him that I'm like this.

Mistyrocks, I feel like I have found myself, and that person does not want to be in a relationship. If that makes sense. He doesn't hold me back with jobs or anything, he is very encouraging. It makes it so hard that I can't pinpoint it.

But I feel a constant guilt, that I shouldn't want to have time away from him or enjoy myself if it's not with him

Why do you think you feel that way, wantstosleepnow? In reality most married couples I know enjoy time away from each other (as well as together, obviously) - my mum and step-dad have been happily married for over 30 years and quite often don't live in the same house! (Slightly extreme version of events - they have a holiday home and a main home, and my step-dad has more pursuits and social circles in the main home, my mum in the holiday home, so she goes there more often than he does).

I think starting uni may also have been a wake-up call to you in terms of living an independent life and being an independent person.

Individual counselling shouldn't be about you trying to repress what you want, btw. But I wonder if you are reacting strongly to having something that's just about you for the first time in your adult life (your uni career - seen in a certain light your affair was also one of the few things that was not about your role within the family, but this is a far more positive choice!).

My strong sense is that you and your DH are just growing apart. I would guess that he at 38 is much more like he was at 28 than you at 27 are like the person you were at 17. You've grown up in the intervening years. Do you think you would still be together if you didn't have children?

Because he enjoys spending time with me so much that I feel like i should be the same, instead I love having time away and it's very important to me.

I have been doing things outside of the family home for a few years such as college and part time work. Again I have felt guilt about this, but I can't pin point if that's him making me feel like that or just how I feel.

In this last year at uni I havent felt guilty, I feel very positive and so did he. But I felt pressure not to spend too much time studying, again not sure where this comes from.

I am going at 4 to my friends and I'm worried he will just cry all night, there is nothing I can do though. That's why I just want this over with, I don't want to prolong it for him, give him chance of hope.

Stop thinking of this knob as a saint and you as a villain. He may not be completely evil, but it seems to me that he decided that he was going to be your owner whether you liked it or not, and you, at 17, never got the chance to find out who you really are and what you really want out of life, because he was always there, filling your life and your mind with himself and The Relationship. I'm not remotely surprised you already tried to escape by having an affair.
This man's inadequate. That's why he picked a teenager for his partner and refused to let her ever think for herself. You've grown up now, and you want to move on, and that's fine. Remember that a man who 'loves' you doesn't always have your best interests at heart and that sometimes being loved is a burden, not a joy. You don't need his permission to leave him; you can refuse any contact with him after the break that is not about his contact with DC or important financial issues, you can force him to leave you alone if he starts stalking you (which men like this often do.) He is not your owner. You can choose whether or not you want to be with him. Best of luck.

Solid, I don't think he wanted to own me but I do think he wanted this all consuming relationship much more than I did and he didnt listen to my protests, just made me feel inadequate as I wasnt the same as him.

He did none of this on purpose though. I know he just thinks he's right.

He won't speak to me when we are not together. He will want a clean break and does not believe in being friends. I know this from when we have talked about other relationships breaking up.

wantstosleepnow, what you're describing is very little different from wanting to own you. But in fairness I think he is one of those people for whom their couple relationship is the most, if not the only, important thing in their lives and they really need to be with someone who feels the same. You couldn't help but feel stifled by that weight of expectation, much as he can't really help feeling the way he does either.

On the other hand, his choices now are either to try to compromise on his expectations or not to have you in his life at all. If he genuinely loves you, won't he want some of you rather than none? He seems to have fixed views and really it leaves you very little room to grow as your own person.

Does he have many deep friendships?

There is no compromising left now, I want to be on my own so much.

No he doesn't have any deep friendships, I know he would like some though. He has a fair few friends, they all seem to look up to him though, he doesn't really have friends that are on an equal footing. I know he's spoke about wanting more friends. He is not controlling of them though but this is how it ends up.

He is controlling and he does want to own you. He's a manipulative shit, actually. He is using threats to keep you in a relationship that you no longer want to sustain. YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO LEAVE HIM AND YOU DON'T NEED HIS PERMISSION.

I have left, I'm at my friends for the night. Hardest thing I've ever done. He was falling apart in front of the kids but I know it would have got worse if I stayed so I went.

I've text him to see if he's ok and he's said yes.

I think he needed to pull himself together in front of the kids.