What actually is an "emotional affair"?

[Offred]

People talk about it a lot and I think I'd spot one in someone else's relationship but what does MN think are the defining characteristics?

I'm not so clear on how a close friendship differs from an emotional affair and wonder if it is very subjective depending on individual relationship rules or if it can be defined.

Is it intention to progress the relationship?

This is weird - I was wondering the same thing after reading another thread on here.

Probably the same thread! The one I was reading is the one about the friend who wants to apologise for an emotional affair.

Yes, me too! And it made me think that I don't actually know what one is. As you say, when is a close friendship an emotional affair?

I'm wondering if anyone really knows!!!

When one of the people wants things to be physical. Where they are spending time and emotion with the person who isn't their wife/husband.

Here's a thread that might shed some light.

My DP's ex had an emotional affair. What it amounted to was, no sex between her and the bloke concerned, but so much time and energy was put into that relationship, that there was nothing left for my DP. He was last on the wife's list of priorities. And the question came up. "If we were both drowning which one would you save." Her response was, "that's not a fair question". So he left.

I think it must be different for different people because I've convinced myself sexual attraction is not a reliable guide given that surely all married people are sexually attracted to other people at some stage. So is it the taking steps to foster a relationship that goes beyond friendship and how do you define "beyond friendship" is it dependent on boundaries in individual relationships? How do you separate inappropriate friendships from controlling and abusive demands?

That thread is only confusing me more.

I agree, the way that EA's are talked about on mumsnet I sometimes wonder if it includes close friendships?

I think the clue is in the Emotional Affair. A friendship isn't an affair.

From Wiki

"Emotional infidelity" is an affair or activity which excludes sexual intimacy but makes demands on the person that curtail the emotional availability that s/he had agreed to provide to his/her partner. It can begin as innocently as a friendship or hobby. It may also be called an affair of the heart. Where one partner is in a committed monogamous relationship, an emotional affair can be a type of chaste nonmonogamy without consummation.

But see that doesn't satisfy me either because actually a close friendship takes away from a monogamous relationship sometimes, and actually that isnt necessarily bad monogamous relationships work best if they are not too suffocating, also sometimes emotional affairs are satisfying parts of an individual which don't exist in their monogamous relationship aren't they? Does that still count as taking away from the relationship?

Ah he's just a friend I care for like a brother/nephew/adopted son, that's why I bought him, gave him, did xxxxx for him that I wouldn't do for anyone else but him because he's my bestest bestest friend. It's more of a maternal thing. Don't be like that. He's not a threat. I'm with you, aren't I? What? Tonight? No sorry, I've already made plans to see my bestie. Maybe next time.

Yeah, they're just friends.

I think when either partner in the relationship feels frozen out because of a friendship/relationship that they see as seemingly more important to the other partner than they are, then it's a step too far. So don't be surprised if it ends up in divorce.

My ex had loads of "just friends". Which is why his work mates called him Slyman!

But what if the friend in question is female or a group? Many of my friends behave like that about each other and are all heterosexual and middle-aged. I also think there are EAs which come as a complete surprise because they've never impinged on the relationship. Do you see what I mean? It is hard to define and sometimes I wonder if it can lead to excessively controlling behaviour and some sexism ie that opposite genders can't be close friends which makes me sad.

My xp had loads of female "friends" he was sleeping with them though, not really any emotions involved. I have a few very close male friends who are just that, a recent male friend who is dh's friend really but we have got close recently who has backed off because he is worried DH will think EA (although I am not secretive and we have talked about it all and he is not worried). I don't think from his end things are fine and so fair enough to back off.

The line to me seems to be strength of feelings and steps to act on them that fall short of sexual contact, perhaps deliberately? "oh we can't sleep together because that would be cheating"

I'm not sure of the answer. I can just go by life experience. And mine has been that both my ex husbands slept with all their female friends. My current DP has 2 life long female friends. They both admit that they would have loved to have a relationship with him beyond just friends.

The male friends I've had in the past all crossed the line at some point. So I'm inclined to believe that in a platonic male/female friendship, one of them is lying and would like more than just friends.

I've only heard the expression on Mumsnet. When I first saw it I thought it stood for Extramarital affair. I think anything one partner resents can be a problem. People totally obsessed 24/7 about their jobs, their hobbies and so on. I must say I would be suspicious of somebody saying oh my bestest bestest friend is somebody else's husband.

Oh how strange, I too, was wondering about the boundaries of EA this morning. And I came to all the same conclusions as others on here: it is very difficult to distinguish from a close friendship. Which then led me to wonder (while I was hanging out washing) in that case, maybe it is not necessarily the negative thing it's painted to be on this site.

So...I wondered, could EA ever be considered a good force in a relationship? I like to think so...

about the female friends! I suppose openness about it is good though, shows they probably don't intend to cross the line.

I do have genuine friendships, close ones, with two blokes, where there have never been any attempts or intentions above friendship. I know from personal experience, and logically I also believe, heterosexual men and women can be good friends. One of my male friends has been my close friend for 14 years.

If you don't show your husband/wife your messages from your "friend" or tell them all about your meetings then the chances are it isn't innocent. And by don't show I mean refuse too, not as in "we don't need to share everything as we trust each other."

I don't think any affair can be a force for good within monogamy tbh. It is hurtful and damaging.

BUT I suppose all that matters is what the other half of the relationship believes is crossing the line and not what it is reasonable to believe. I suppose an unreasonable prohibition on opposite gender friendships would be damaging to a relationship anyway:

Ok justfab, now that makes sense. An emotional connection which is deliberately concealed from your spouse/partner...

Offred, one of my DPs 2 female friends is married. She said that about my DP in front of her DH. She is just being honest. Her and her DP are very strong and bonded. She admits she felt like that when her and her DH were going through some crap years back. The other friend never married. She is lovely. She would have been a great mother. Sadly she never found anyone to share her life with. Her and my DP adore each other, as friends. She says she would have loved him for a husband and father to her children. I take it as a great compliment that he's with me He is honourable and integral. Even his ex wife says as much. Also, these friendships are not full on. They see each other maybe 6 times a year. With EA relationships so much time and energy is put into them that the partner feels left out and unloved. Maybe that's the difference?