What actually is an "emotional affair"?

[Offred]

People talk about it a lot and I think I'd spot one in someone else's relationship but what does MN think are the defining characteristics?

I'm not so clear on how a close friendship differs from an emotional affair and wonder if it is very subjective depending on individual relationship rules or if it can be defined.

Well said Chocoraisin. It's an emotional relationship that excludes the significant other because all energy and emotion is expended on the EA that there is nothing left for anyone else, not even the spouse.

mmm, I guess the thing is only you know when you've crossed that line. So maybe for some people the line is closer than for others? I think being on the other side on one (as in, my H being in one) the big thing was how it removed him entirely from being in his marriage. And friendships, even really close ones, had never done that before. I knew it wasn't normal when I was told I wasn't welcome to be there when she was :( it became either/or, and ultimately, she was the one he chose to spend time with. I know for me, if I had a male friend I deliberately refused to introduce to my partner then it would have crossed the line somewhere. It's just not ok to have secret friendships, that are only secret because you know your partner would be uncomfortable about how you are with that person. I think you can get to that point without it being a full blown EA - but if that's how far things have gone, it's probably time to pull back from the friend and take a long hard look at your relationship, you know? Because its definitely going to be suffering from lack of attention if one person is focused elsewhere.

If you say or do anything that you wouldn't want your spouse to know about, that is an affair.

EAs are turning to a third party emotionally that you should be turning to your spouse for. EAs involve secrets and confidences.

A friend is someone who the spouse says: I saw .... we talked about .... their opinion was ..... what do you think?

Anything else is inappropriate.

A friend is someone who the spouse says: I saw .... we talked about .... their opinion was ..... what do you think?

God, abitwobblynow, I have conversations with female friends that I wouldn't necessarily share with my DH - does that mean I'm having an EA with them?

My H discussed our marriage with her. He hid all contact from me and her H - his mate.. They were saying things to each other that they didn't want us to know texting over 100 times a day, exchanging Facebook flirty banter, crossing the line between friends and inappropriate. Deleting all texts and emails so they couldn't be read.

I may have discuss h with friends but I certainly don't text friends 100 times a day up til bedtime....

Google emotional affair, Wikipedia has a very good description of it.

Stargazy, yes, that would be fine. I have only told two people: my sister and a very old friend. They have been bloody brilliant and have given me stirling advice but it would be nice to talk to someone who has been there and is still trying to navigate their way through it. Hope you have a nice family day and the sun shines :)

I'm not keen on the Wikipedia one actually, it was posted further down the thread. A lot of the things it says in there could apply to friendly or familial relationships during long monogamous relationships where priorities and needs change.

The section called what is emotional cheating describes it perfectly, how it's worse than a one night stand, how they get feelings of excitement waiting for texts etc , how they confide more in the friend than their partner, how they keep all the contact secret.

No Sherlock - but how would you feel if your H was meeting them for coffee, and having those convs, and neither of them told you?????

Just general points:

I read a good psychology article a few months ago in a science mag - said that the more people try to behave like model citizens, the more they eventually rebel. So the more we constrain people not to talk to other people, not to confide in them, not to be friends with them, the more likely it becomes that they will eventually do something really stupid.

I have (quick count-up) nine good male friends. I'm in contact with each of them each week, some every day. I have about the same number of good female friends, on the same principle. If I told my dh every time I was in contact with each friend and what we talked about each time, he'd have no time to do anything other than listen to my account.

A good relationship is about trust and respect. He trusts and respects me. I trust and respect him. I don't deliberately hide anything from him, but if a friend comes to me for confidential advice, I don't break that confidence.
I don't slag off my dh to other people, and I'm always very aware of the need to cheer on the relationships that others have with their own other halves and never ever knowingly get in the way of that.

So...an EA is not to do with sharing every single friend's confidences with your OH whether a friend wishes that or not. Nor is it something avoided by imprisoning the emotions and behaviour of your partner in a way that stifles their ordinary everyday friendships. It's when you fancy someone and pursue that lust, wanting to be with them as your sexual partner, and undermining your own relationship and any relationship they are in. secretly hiding the real nature of the relationship from your OH. Well, that's my understanding of it.

That's a good post amberlight but it strikes me from than and this thread that actually the name "emotional affair" is a bit pointless. I'd just call a lot of what people are describing "an affair" but then some of what some people are describing "a friendship". I think sometimes emotional affair can be used both to minimise an affair and unreasonably control friendships and therefore I think it might be better to stick with affair and friendship!

I would say that emotional affair means that they are drawn to each other and share secrets behind spouses backs, get the buzz from the hidden contact, look forward to the contact, get obsessed with the contact, but haven't actually gone physical yet.

My H and his "friend" crossed the line from friendly to flirty and then hid the contact and then denied it when asked about it. Also they both cannot see that what they are doing is wrong. In the end my H valued her opinion and feelings over mine, yet they are not having an affair .....

It's all about the secrecy. Yes I used to talk to my friends about my husband and I used to have a really close male friend but my H knew that we were in touch and we didn't text very much, certainly not 100 times a day...

One thing we all agree on is that an emotional affair does not involve sex. If you only have the words "friendship" and "affair", everyone will assume the people having the affair are having sex. So I don't think it's a redundant phrase if it makes that distinction? I agree it's not easy to define though.

My ex-bf became very close to another woman before we broke up. I'm sure they didn't sleep together while we were an item, but it came as no surprise to me when they got together (and eventually got married) soon after we split. I don't blame him btw - he met someone he preferred to me and did the right thing by dumping me before he got together with her. There was a short period of me saying 'I think she fancies you' and him saying 'no no we're just friends' which wasn't quite true, but let's face it, break ups are rarely 100% honest. Of course it would have been different if we'd have been married or had DCs.