What actually is an "emotional affair"?

[Offred]

People talk about it a lot and I think I'd spot one in someone else's relationship but what does MN think are the defining characteristics?

I'm not so clear on how a close friendship differs from an emotional affair and wonder if it is very subjective depending on individual relationship rules or if it can be defined.

well if it helps, my STBXH defined his physical affair as 'beginning' with an 'emotional relationship'. What that meant in practice was that he a) lied about seeing her, speaking to her etc. b) he prioritised his time with her over me and our DS to the point of excluding us from activities where she would be so that he could freely be closer than was appropriate with her even before they had any physical relationship. c) he refused to introduce her to me, but arranged time with her that included our son so they could play act at being a couple, with my DS thrown into the mix (at the time aged around 15mo).

The reason it was an affair and not a friendship even at that point was the fact that his prior relationship (we were married) was essentially destroyed to make space for theirs to develop. Oh, and also, as soon as the opportunity presented itself, they moved on to a sexual relationship - which was justified in his eyes because our marriage was 'essentially over' (nice of him to tell me hey?). He engineered the total lack of sexual and emotional intimacy in our marriage, so that he could be with her. By the time they did have sex and I discovered they were having a full blown physical affair, he was so far gone from our marriage he basically didn't even consider himself married!! I would say the detachment from me took roughly a 10 months. Six of those he was actively 'in a relationship' (his own words) with her, that wasn't physical. 4 months of that they had moved onto having sex behind my back. All this happened despite me trying to arrange relationship counselling, booking a romantic weekend away to reconnect (which he spent the majority of texting her and ignoring me), and culminated with me falling pregnant (the cherry on the cake) which he explained away by saying 'if I had been fully awake and realised who I was with it would never have happened'.

Now there's a story to tell your DC. Conceived purely because his dad was fantasising about fucking his 'friend' instead of mummy... classy. Thanks for that STBXH. Thanks a lot. Incidentally, I thought we were having make up sex due to him treating me appallingly all week - and this happened when he knew full well I wasn't on contraception because we'd had a talk about planning another child 5 months previously. Obviously that slipped his mind too, given that so much of his emotional energy was taken up with pretending he was in a relationship with her, and not me. It also explains how he could be so unbelievably cold as to tell me to 'make my own moral decision' about what to do when it became clear I was likely to be pregnant, and he was likely to leave. Having an emotional relationship with her allowed him to turn me, his wife, into an inconvenient non-person instead.

What disgusting behaviour chocoraisin

For me the big red light to an EA would be based on the question, why would a loving partner want to pursue a relationship with anyone that leaves their significant other feeling insecure? If the partner having the EA was really innocent surely they would work on helping their partner work on their insecurities first before embarking on a "just friends" friendship with the opposite sex. Those having the EA have the outlook that their partner's insecurities have nothing to do with them and should sort themselves out.

"why would a loving partner want to pursue a relationship with anyone that leaves their significant other feeling insecure?"
That makes me uneasy, because if the significant other is emotionally abusive, they will resent any relationship at all that their DP has with anybody. Part of the pattern of emotional abuse is to cut off the DP from any possible support from other people.

www.shirleyglass.com/quizfriendship.php

I now class my STBXH's "friendship" with his best mates wife as an Emotional Affair. He confided on her about how unhappy he was, she confided in him how her husband couldn't support her emotionally. They went from no contact at all to texting each other all day every day. My H walked out, then came back. All the time that I thought we were working it out he was texting and emailing her, including right through our holiday.

The contact was hidden from her H, it was hidden from me. My H was very guarded with his phone and obsessed with checking it all the time too. He also talked about her all the time. And he wanted to make her happy. Basically she occupied his every waking moment rather than me. He would text her from 8am right through til 11.30pm every day.

I honestly don't think they have had sex, but they won't admit to themselves the extent of the contact and how inappropriate it is. They say they are not having an affair , they are just good friends , but the deceit proves that they both knew that their spouses would not be happy with the contact if we had known about it.

They are linked emotionally. It might turn sexual, it might not, only time will tell.

Agree with all that's been said here. My understanding of an emotional affair is that there is a sexual attraction between the two people...and they hide the friendship/the nature of the friendship from their other halves...and they speak negatively about their other halves to each other...and they share more with their new 'friend' than they do with their other half.

Can many men and women be really good friends and nothing more? Yes. I've had really good friends - male and female - for decades.

Can many people feel a degree of attraction to someone else and still be utterly respectful of that person's marriage/partnership for decades at a time and still do all in their power to ensure the other person has a brilliant marriage? Yup. Because if they love someone, they want them to be happy. Thinking they're the only way the other person will have that happiness, and helping destroy their marriage, isn't very loving.

One of my exes has been trying to have one with me for years. This much I know! EAs are angst ridden and intense and up to a point don't feel like infidelity but out it this way - if you would be uncomfortable with your partner reading correspondence between you and the other man it's probably on affair territory.

LesserOfTwoWeevils I guess that's the clue, an abusive partner wouldn't like ANY friendship between their spouse and others, not simply a friendship of the opposite sex.

But not everyone is heterosexual! I think it is fundamentally unreasonable to veto your spouse's friendships, I'm not convinced that it deals with the problem which is, as I see it a lack of self control and/or commitment.

Some things I don't feel comfortable talking to my husband about and do feel comfortable talking to my friends about. I think it is probably more accurate to say sharing yourself in a way you would in a romantic relationship, perhaps as you used to with your partner but don't anymore.

The Shirley glass quiz is pretty good but I think it would class some friendships as borderline affairs inappropriately which I guess is unavoidable.

Just had a look at it. I don't think it's too far off.

My DH had a 2 month emotional affair at the end of last year and it was devastating. We have been together for 22 years and have two teenagers. There had been no infidelities up to then. Everything was going wrong in other areas of our life (family bereavements, business nearly went under) and a colleague came along at just the 'right' time.

Out of the blue, with no previous relationship history, she told him that she loved him and couldn't deny her feelings any longer. She listened to all his woes tirelessly and talked about how they were destined to be together. They met secretly, sent texts and emails. She made him feel in control and adored. DH describes it as a period of adrenaline fuelled madness.

In the end I found out because I listened to his voicemail. The shock was like a sickening kick in the gut. The message said that she had told her husband and she was moving out the following day.

I confronted DH and he put an end to it immediately and is now seeing a counsellor. Although only kisses had been exchanged (he was deliberately putting off the sexual inevitable) I felt utterly betrayed. I felt that I didn't know him anymore. Still getting over it 6 months later in fact. She had always been so friendly to me but I guess people can be a mystery. So I suppose THAT is an emotional affair. A one night stand would have been so much easier to deal with.

Can totally identify with you Minky.If she was a colleague I hope he was able to cease all contact,but may be not?Which must be so hard for you.
Similar situation here.Someone who was no more than passing acquaintance at work,then when he had to alter hours at work she did too.Since found out she didn't need to but obviously was developing major crush on him and he did nothing to dissuade it.In fact encouraged it for same reasons as your DH.

Also like you we had had a tough year with family problems and I think he felt middle aged and disillusioned with past business failures.Altihough by his own admission our marriage was good and he was happy with me they started spending lots of time together at lunchtimes chatting,then texting daily way too much.(which became sexually explicit) She then declared she loved him.He never told her he loved her.He didn't ,was just flattered and made him feel special to be her confidant.Her DH found the texts that said as much and the shit hit the fan.

So glad it stopped there but as you say it was devastating,and I will never forget feeling as if my heart had been ripped out when I found out.Such an enormous shock.And ditto to the one night stand.Whilst he never met her anywhere different or lied directly,he lied by omission and it went on for several months.

2 years plus now and to give you hope we are together and good,OW's marriage fell apart.But it's been bloody hard work and many times I nearly walked away.If he's doing ALL the right things you can recover,but tbh I'm a changed person.Be prepared for it sometimes to get worse before it gets better IYSWIM but you can rebuild your marriage and it is worth it.
Was it an emotional affair?OW was more emotionally involved than my DH I truly believe that.But the secrecy and excluding me and his family did a lot of damage to an otherwise long and very happy marriage.Crap ain't it?!

Stargazy, thanks for your support. Yes, crap it certainly is. Very glad things are getting better for you and reassuring to know that whilst it is a long process you get there in the end. I thought our relationship was pretty good too but I do suspect my DH felt that his life was missing that 'buzz'. Shallow, I know, and something he probably wouldn't have acted on if the opportunity hadn't landed in his lap.

'Heart ripped out' - yes, that does pretty much sum it up. She was a colleague in that they had worked together previously in similar fields, although they hadn't worked in the same building for some time. It didn't help that she was an older woman who'd chosen not to have children as , in her own words, 'they take up so much energy'. Nor did it help that she was a surfing tantric yoga guru with a Philosophy degree and the body of a twenty-five year old. She was ready and willing to drop everything ( including her long marriage) and devote herself to him. She even told him that they had been lovers in a previous life! WTF!! I pretty felt vulnerable in comparison. Now I see her as sad, lonely and unfulfilled, not to mention predatory and a bit mad. Afterwards she sent me an email saying that she never intended to hurt anyone. Tbh this is one of the things I find so difficult to get my head around.

It's interesting that you say you have changed as a person. I have too, but I can't decide yet if it is for better or worse...

Minky if it's ok with you I will pm you sometime this week when I'm not dashing about.Got family coming over today and lots going on.
Plus don't want to give out any more personal details but something about your post really resonates with me.
Confided in a few close RL friends post discovery.DH knew and encouraged me to talk to whoever I wanted if it helped me, which I knew a lot of men with bigger egos wouldn't like! They were lovely and supportive, and pleased DH and I stayed together as they think he's a genuinely good bloke who got carried away.
Out with a couple of them this weekend with their DH's and they don't know that I still struggle sometimes to get my head round what happened, how profoundly it affected me.So is it ok to pm you sometime or would that make things worse for you? all the best x (ps. Really relate to how you view OW btw!)

For me it would be sharing thoughts and feelings and leaning on someone else when it should be your husband/wife that you are going to. And things like texting the other person very early or very late which suggests an inappropriate closeness.

I think you are all complicating things. It's when two.people want to sleep together/be in a relationship but can't. So rather than things progressing, the fancying gets whipped up in intensity. it'.@ called an ea but it's really just the deep longing that comes from frustrated sexual desire.

Not even deep longing. Just frantic longing.

nkf - 2 people fancying each other makes it an EA?

If they keep seeing each other and enjoying the fancying but not proceeding. I personally think eas are fantasies. Wanting someone, being bear them, can't gave them so you start telling yourself how deeply you connect with person.

That's the thing, when you meet someone and commit to them it does not mean you will never be attracted to anyone else other then them for the rest of your life. You will be. But when that happens you are then faced with a choice. Pursue or not. 2 people fancying each other when they are in committed relationships with other people know they are over stepping the mark by pursuing a friendship that's not 100% honest.

It seems bizarre - its not uncommon for friends to know that they fancy each other a bit, but have no intention of ever doing anything about it - should those people stop being friends?

no fireice you are missing the point. What you are talking about is friendship that can be handled sensitively, and respectfully between two people. An EA is something that is completely disrespectful to the previous relationships that exist.

An EA removes the participants emotionally from their established relationships. It replaces the intimacy they have with their actual partners - it's not an additional extra - which is what a friendship is. It overtakes their time and attention, because all their sexual and emotional energy is invested into the affair (even when no sex takes place) to the detriment of existing relationships. A friendship, even with a little covert cor blimey, he/she is quite fit really thrown in, isn't going to do that. Because it's just a friendship, and ultimately you can take it or leave it. An EA is a problem because they two people engaging in it can't take it or leave it, it's the primary emotional relationship they are in.

Thats the way that you are defining an EA, which makes sense to me, but some of the posts on this thread seem to have a much wider definition of it.