an apology letter from an OW to the wife

[SoSoMamanBebe]

A dear friend had an EA with a friend's husband a while ago. It never went far before they were found out and it caused a schism between everyone. I love my friend so stuck by the principle that good people sometimes do bad things. She was very honest with her husband and they rebuilt their marriage. Through acquaintances she knows that the wife is still struggling and voiced to me that she's thinking of writing to her to apologise. Personally, I thing sleeping dogs should be left to lie. What do you think?

I think the time to consider the impact of her actions was BEFORE she overstepped the mark with someone else's husband.

An apology letter would be patronising and attention-seeking imo (and if she sent it to me then I'd most likely do something to her that would definitely require an apology!)

Tell her to stop being so selfish and stay out of this woman's life her apology is meaningless as she was a so called friend.

I think it would make things worse personally but I understand why she feels she wants to do this. I think she just has to leave it- I can't imagine anything she can say will help and it might just rake up old miseries. If your friend feels SHE still needs closure maybe she could write the letter but not send it?

Sounds like she feels guilty and would be writing the letter to make herself feel better.

I can't sdee how receiving such a letter would make the wife feel anything but worse so it would be an incredibly selfish thing to do.

Very selfish thing to do imo.

I think she got the idea from how prisoners apologise to their victims and thought it might help. My friend is still very ashamed and doesn't want the wife to think that she's swanning around without a care in the world.

Can you pass along the info that she is ashamed thro the grapevine?

not all victims want a letter of apology either. Tell her to stay away. A reminder is not what she needs. If she expresses she would like an apology fair enough. Otherwise I think she is seeking to heal her own guilt.

I think a letter would be a self-indulgent way to salve her own guilty conscience. I don't think it would help the wife at all.

When I was in that position, if I'd had a letter from the OW I think I'd have rammed it down her throat. It may just bring everything back and put her right back to where she was weeks ago, in terms of getting over it.

Really, really bad idea. Selfish too. Does she really think the wife cares whether she is "swanning around" or not?

As it's a while ago I'd say no, may sound harsh but she'll just have to live with the consequences of her actions! It would seem like an empty gesture to me and one that maybe should have been made at the time but then I don't suppose she felt ashamed back then.

Unfortunately there are some things that an apology does not make ok!

This is one of them so your friend will have to live with her guilt.

The wife won't care about her feelings . therefore it's pointless and self indulgent .

I think it depends a lot on what is in the letter. If it's just a list of excuses and justifications then really, it will seem shallow and selfish.
If it is a genuine, heartfelt apology with no expectation of forgiveness or understanding, then I say go for it.
Too many 'apologies' these days seem to come with excuses.

A letter is for her benefit not tge wife's.

Interesting responses as I could see the merit of it but wasn't entirely sure. My mother has a friend who had an affair with my father and they are still friends now as my mum said she just 'likes her'. My mother is unorthodox though and it may have skewed my judgement.

My feeling is the OW cares but doesn't want to admit she does, if you know what I mean.

I am trying to imagine what I would think/feel if I received a letter like that and my marriage was still in trouble as a result of it all. I think the wife is probably not ready to see the OW in any kind of a positive light yet as she is still struggling you said in OP. How would the wife feel, the OW has repaired the damage to her own marriage, the wife has not and is still struggling so I think this would go down really badly right now

if enough water had passed under the bridge OTOH I would forgive it if I felt someone was asking for forgiveness. Still a wrecked marriage is a wrecked marriage

The reason she is having problems still will not be fixed by a letter from the ow

really, really bad idea. Your friend needs to keep the hell away, even if her intentions are good. A letter like this just would not be helpful.

She wants to write the letter for her own benefit, not that of the poor wife.

She should butt out of her life and leave her alone. Tell her to stop being so selfish.

People who have affairs with married men do not do anything selfless.
Tell your 'friend' that such a pathetic gesture is way over stepping the mark.

'Dear Wife

I'm very sorry I fucked your husband and helped wreck your marriage. My life is just peachy thanks but I heard yours wasn't. There there - hope this letter helps you feel better'

Regards

OW'

Laughable.

There is nothing she could write that would not come across as 'feel sorry for me'. So give the sleeping dog an extra shot of sedative and some ear-plugs....

"Cares" about what? Who?