an apology letter from an OW to the wife

[SoSoMamanBebe]

A dear friend had an EA with a friend's husband a while ago. It never went far before they were found out and it caused a schism between everyone. I love my friend so stuck by the principle that good people sometimes do bad things. She was very honest with her husband and they rebuilt their marriage. Through acquaintances she knows that the wife is still struggling and voiced to me that she's thinking of writing to her to apologise. Personally, I thing sleeping dogs should be left to lie. What do you think?

Sassy OP says an emotional affair so no fucking involved I think?

I don't know what to think really, if its to make herself feel better because she's feeling guilty then def not. If its a genuine 'sorry' because she's heard her ex friend is understandably upset then I think it may be well intended but quite possibly still not a good idea.

IME if I'd been sent such a letter and it seemed genuine it wouldn't have upset me to get it, it wouldve shown me that she was acknowledging her part in something that affected me.

As it stands the OW in my situation took the 'wrong and strong' approach. I'm past any ill feeling towards her but had she sent such a letter it may have made her seem less mercenary tbh.

If she writes the letter she is being selfish and insensitive. Sorry if that sounds harsh. She is only doing it to make herself feel better and probably will make the other person feel a lot worse.

Write it, don't send it. Sorted.

No sex involved. It was two unhappy people who were utterly, gobsmackingly stupid. The apology is heartfelt. I've known my friend for years, since school, and she's never done anything like this before which is why I don't subscribe to the view that she is a selfish person. She did a selfish thing, for a few weeks, and still feels ashamed and guilty, quite rightly.

Some more water needs to pass under the bridge though, is my opinion.

braindeadfred That's a good idea. I'll say it is what the MN jury has ruled?

Least said, soonest mended, I'd say.

They will all move on in time.

Can i just add, i have been in the position of the wife. The OW would not leave it, she apologised to me in the first instance then tried to contact my husband at every oppurtunity afterwards. We nearly came to blows (at the school gates of all places) because she would not let it go. It took months and a few home truths for her to finally fuck off......all the while making the situation ten time worse for me.

If your friend sends a letter then it will just look like she is trying to justify why she did what she did.
The wife will not want to know nor will she care to hear anything your friend has to say. No amount of apologising will make this situation any better. If anything it will make it worse for the wife.

Tell your friend if she has 1 ounce of decency to leave well alone and let the wife sort this out in a way she see's fit. If she does send a letter then then be preapred for fireworks.

I kind of got one. It was full of lies, justificatiins, antagonism, veiled nastyness, poor me stuff, very self indulgent and it caused more hurt.

Not a good idea, it's selfish. Tell her not to send.

Tell her to go to confession if she wants forgiveness. The woman she betrayed won't give it to her.

She doesn't want forgiveness, she wanted to apologise and to tell her very ex friend that she is ashamed. Not justify herself, just to say sorry.

After reading threads on here, it is very obvious that many wives do not "not care" about the wife. They are attempting to behave with dignity and mask their feelings.

I always apologise if I do something to hurt others but this situation appears too complex and I am scared something awful will happen if she sends it; so told her not to.

not care about the OW, struggling with English it would seem!

writing the letter then burning it rather than sending it would give her the catharsis she needs but not mess up thw wife's life further. For me burning it would give a nice finality to the whole thing. It is not the kind of thing you would want lurking in a drawer for someone to find by accident decades later!

I got a sort of apology from OW but also with comment "but you had problems in the marriage " Well mate it certainately didnt help when you stepped in !!!
Really pissed me off,good job they moved to US as I could of hit her hard.
No it doesnt help to apologise or write a letter.
The OW fucks up a marriage, the kids perception of their father and all the dreams you once had on a wedding day.
Selfish bitch.

Can you just clarify? There was no sex involved, so were they just good friends who kept their friendship secret from others? Did they meet up in secret etc? Was there no physical attraction?

OW should just wear a sackcloth and look like shit. That might help, not a letter.

She said there was no sex. Lots of texting, and some of it was dirty. She said they always got on brilliantly then one night down the pub, had a moment and it all started from there. Anyway, it stopped once her DH read her messages.

Dont expect it to be well received.

If the OW who broke up my marriage sent one to me I would read it, have a hollow laugh and chuck it in the bin. 3 yrs down the line both me and my ex have new partners (not OW), but I still wouldnt give the woman the time of day, not after what my kids and I have been through

OW wanted to meet me to apologise the day after I found out.As above no sex, but lots of meetings and texting,some filthy.I politely declined her kind offer and told her to never contact my DH again and go back and sort out her own marriage.
It only made me angrier that she was so desperate to apologise.We had some mutual acquaintances and what I now think is she was desperate to get me onside and stop anyone else finding out about her months of covert flirting with my DH.Also that same day she so wanted to meet me to explain how it had just been 'a bit of fun' she would have been with my DH work and texting away her suggestive filth.
Did then, meet her in person shortly after.Unfortunately our paths do cross from time to time.She blathered away again with loads of self justification.Best onebeing that texting my man to say how much she would like to give him a BJ was just a euphemism for see you tomorrow.
Made me far angrier for far longer I can tell you.

I'm beginning to think that everyone's situation is different. It all depends on the agenda.

She's definitely not sending it, though she is not trying to makes excuses or blame the wife.

It's strange reading this thread, because of the occasions I've known of in RL where a letter or conversation with the OW/OM actually helped the situation and promoted healing.

Where this has happened, the common denominators were: the third party giving no excuses - just a heartfelt apology for their part in causing the recipient pain; acknowledgement that the straying spouse loved the partner very much and didn't want the marriage to end; an offer to answer any questions truthfully if requested.

Recipients of these letters have said that this action divested the third party of their 'power' and allowed the morbid fascination with them to cease. Those who've taken the opportunity to ask questions were relieved to hear that their spouses were telling the truth after all about aspects of the affair and this enhanced trust.

As long as the motive behind it is selfless and is genuinely about relieving the faithful spouse's pain and uncertainty, I think it is a very good idea and can have positive results.

Generally speaking, the faithful spouse doesn't want to know anything about the third party's motivations for doing what they did; they are rightfully more concerned about why their own partners had an affair and whether they are telling the truth about what happened and what was said/promised.

Many people also say they can try to forgive their partners because they have received an apology and have seen the contrition first hand, but because they have received no such apology from the third party and don't know if s/he is sorry, the resentment and bitterness towards this person festers and stops them from healing.

It's true that the people who are most receptive to this type of communication are those who generally have good interpersonal relationships and don't like the fact that they feel lingering enmity towards another person and are self-aware enough to know that an obsession with the OW/OM (which is completely normal and understandable in these situations) is holding them back.

Thank you SternFace. I did think the idea has merit and glad to hear a reasoned response. Your comments on the wronged spouse letting their imagination run riot and the resentment and bitterness building up is what my friend was thinking about, but you put it better!

As she said, what we imagine in our heads is the very worst of everything and she knows her friend was humiliated by her actions and just wants to demystify what happened so that she doesn't torture herself with the what ifs. They were close and she knew her well.

Before everyone snipes again, she knows she did a terrible, terrible thing.

No.
Absolutely not. Why would she send it?
If she feels guilty then so she bloody should do. She should deal with that herself.
If she wants to apologise - too little too late!
She can't justify what she did and she won't be forgiven either so she should just leave it.
Also - does the OW know the full facts? She might end up telling her something she didn't already know and stir up more problems in their marriage.
If I got a letter from my ex's OW I would tell her where she can shove it!!

I understand where your friend is coming from OP. She needs to examine herself thoroughly though and satisfy herself about her motives. As long as this is not in any way about her needs, her ex lover's needs, or her husband's needs - and is entirely focused on her ex friend's needs, any letter she writes might have a positive effect.

I don't think she should volunteer any information about the affair in the letter, but there should be an offer to provide a truthful account if it is requested.

I think the letter should focus on a genuine apology for her part in the pain caused - and an acknowledgement that regardless of the affair, she believed and believes that the man loved his wife very much and didn't want his marriage to end. Nothing about his love for his children - just his love for and attachment to his wife.

IME, most spouses in the wife's position fear that their personalities and marriages have been mis-represented to the OW/OM and there is frustration that they have no means of redress or counteraction, after the event. They also fear that the OW/OM believes that their partners are only remaining in the marriage because of the children or other 'pull' factors. This is especially true if the affair has ended inconclusively in some way, with one or neither party being totally honest about what the affair meant and why it had to end.

An acknowledgement by the OW/OM that the spouse was loved and that in their belief, the marriage itself was the most important factor to the straying spouse, can bring great comfort and healing.