I'm just going to write this down

[uselesslife]

he's not very good with DS, he's getting better, but doesn't do much in the way of actual "care"

he's very impatient
he's very short tempered

he does not make me feel loved
he does not make me feel special
he makes me feel useless a lot of the time
i never feel he is actually interested when I tell him a story
he talks about nothing but work
he never actually does anything for me, we have nice holidays and go to nice restaurants, but he never actually does anything to make my life easier.

he thinks its ok to wake me up at 1am to tell me he has a really snotty nose
he thinks its ok to wake me up at 5am to ask me where his jeans/boots are

he sends me texts like "out with work tonight"

I know he will avoid emptying the bin, unloading the dishwasher. to my knowledge he has never ever emptied the dishwasher in the 5 years in this house. he was most put out when I told him recently to put his dishes in the dishwasher, not on top of it

He never does any cleaning, tidying, nothing

He expects to find his stuff where he left it. e.g the clothes that he left in a pile in the middle of the room, the letters that he leaves in the middle of the kitchen worktop. So I should actually work, cook, live around his mess.

he moans and moans to me about how much pain he is in, but hasn't taken any painkillers(toothache, cold etc)

if I start to discuss anything important, ie finances, he just says he can't deal with it. Hence he ows 1000's to the taxman

In his defence, re the stuff at home, he works long hours, is stressed and has to catch up with a lot of sleep at the weekend

will be back with more

We've been 'discussing' it for 2 years
Counselling for 6 months.
To 'discuss' his anger, stress and abuse towards me.

Yes I think it's clear OP has, many times!! She has reached the end of her tether!

BJ as you will know if you spend much time hanging around the relationships board once you discover domestic abuse there is often a script that goes with it.

The endless discussions, the turning around to make it all the other person's fault, the blaming of illness/stress/work/DCs etc.

the truth is that all the discussion in the world usually only results in brief respite from the bad behaviour then they are back to their old ways. MR Nice and Mr Nasty are never far from one-another and Mr Nice only usually comes out to play when the chips are really really down and he needs to regain control (also true of female abusers btw).

Useless...you must be feeling very up and down emotionally. Keep going you know you deserve to be treated with respect and love. Not like this.

so, been for my interview, it was really good, but unfortunately not quite the right role
But it went really well, so good for my self esteem
Told H that I don't want to see him, because I cannot talk about this anymore. I just can't bear it
I haven't even asked where he is staying.

I have started to document all the nasty events, some which I had forgotten. MN old threads very useful for this.
It's been 3 years

I think this is worse than I thought
I had always thought DH had a personality disorder
But just discovered this website out of the fog and it's scary

Reading your OP it sounds like it could be written about a sulky teenager not a fully grown man who is supposed to be your partner.

You know you haven't come to this decision lightly, you also know that when you have been here before you have 'caved' and let him continue to behave this way (as we all do, so many times!).

For your own sanity please be strong, stick to your decision and start on the road to a better life for you and your DCs, you really do deserve better. I agree that looking back you will find hundreds of little moments (AIBUs etc!) that point to this.

You were probably told by the stern ones (yes, Any Fucker, I mean you!) that you should leave the bastard, but you gave him the benefit of the doubt. No more. Put yourself first and any issues he may have, he can either choose to deal with alone, or not - it doesn't actually matter any more. You can do this x

I had one of these Hs who didn't listen to me for years. Eventually I moved out. Now he manages his Tax his Car insurance and MOT and pays people to clean the house and do the garden. Why wouldn't he do it when I asked him? Because he preferred to have a domestic servant look after him.

OP if you stay strong he MAY shape up and pigs may fly but either way you will be better off.

Out of The Fog is a great site imo.

Bottom line is there is nothing you can really do if a PD is involved.

So typical, LemonDrizzled! That's why I sometimes advocate handing over a bill every week, so they can see how much money their 'lazy' wife is saving them. Doesn't often work, I admit, but it can give the household drudge an idea of what she's actually worth. (Did work once, through!)

I'm so miserable
Feel shit, got my period and can't stop crying
I'm in bed

I just can't fix this situation
He's staying away, but I'm guessing he's in a hotel, he will have to sort out something more permanent

I am just dreading talking to him
I'm contemplating only talking to him with our counsellor. Can you do that?

Have a duvet day OP , things can wait you need to rest & draw breath, crying yourslef out can be exhasusting but very cathartic.

Useless, I don't think a joint counsellor is much use with people like him, you would be best putting your efforts into solo counselling for yourself. I would recommend only communicating with him by email (or text if you must) so that you can remain calm, consider what you want to say and have a record of what is said by both of you in case of any confusion at a later date.

I am doing this with my stbxh and find it has taken a lot of the heat out of the situation from my side and I feel less 'under his power'. I always ended up losing my rag when I talked to him and looked weak or out of control. This way it is just facts and I manage to keep emails simple and to the point, deleting as I go along to stop me saying anything that he could use against me.

you're right, counselling has been all about trying to help him, with his anger and frustration etc, not really how abusive and manipulative he is

just trying to find a mediator.

feeling better, forced myself to do something
tidied up the garden and the house, now doing some admin
supposed to be going to the gym, but i think i overdid it the other day and knee is a bit sore, so will wait until after physio tomorrow

Well done, the more normal things you can do in between all the 'splitting up' stuff, the easier it is to see that this is just part of your life, its not the end or a huge gaping hole, just another day with different challenges.

so
we had to do a parents thing for ds this morning
so I had to see him
He's listening( well, at least not talking)

We have a real problem with him moving out, i.e, he has nowhere to go. He has used airmiles for the hotels this week, but we really don't have the funds to pay for anything
everything is overpriced and booked up.
Flats/houses in our local area are being advertised for 4xtimes normal price, as Olympic lets!!

during the week, it's fine, I don't see him
I am dreading the weekend
I've told him I will be out with DS tomorrow and I will make myself scarce on Sunday so he can see DS

Not your problem honey! He needs to sort himself out, not you sort him out after he has abused you!! If he leaves you can claim benefits & he can keep his money for rent.

but that's the excuse he is using
how can I force him out?

See a solicitor, or CAB, or phone Women's Aid.

Get legal advice ASAP

Does he not have a friend or relative he can stay with? Or find somewhere a bit further out that isn't close enough to be an olympic let? You need to tell him that someone is moving out and if he cares one jot about his DS it needs to be him, as the alternative is that you will have to go. You will get some financial help - I managed to sway it with my stbxh by mentioning that we may even have more spare money between us with me as a single parent (turns out probably not, but it did the trick and got him out!)

no family
all friends have family, and are joint friends really, bit awkward

We're in south London, they still say Olympic lets!!
I might get financial help, but that's not going to come through in a week

I know, mine's been gone about 3 weeks now and still no financial help for me in sight, but they do apparently backdate it up to a month, so if there's any way you can make it happen, then you can get on with claiming sooner rather than later.

Took about a week for the forms to arrive, a couple of days for me to get together the figures I needed (self-employed so a bit trickier than just stating wages etc) and now I'm waiting to hear....

You can't let him use that as an excuse though, as it won't change significantly in the near future (not til after the olympics anyway!) Maybe he'll have to find a hotel outside of London and he'll have to commute, plenty of others do it.