I'm just going to write this down

[uselesslife]

he's not very good with DS, he's getting better, but doesn't do much in the way of actual "care"

he's very impatient
he's very short tempered

he does not make me feel loved
he does not make me feel special
he makes me feel useless a lot of the time
i never feel he is actually interested when I tell him a story
he talks about nothing but work
he never actually does anything for me, we have nice holidays and go to nice restaurants, but he never actually does anything to make my life easier.

he thinks its ok to wake me up at 1am to tell me he has a really snotty nose
he thinks its ok to wake me up at 5am to ask me where his jeans/boots are

he sends me texts like "out with work tonight"

I know he will avoid emptying the bin, unloading the dishwasher. to my knowledge he has never ever emptied the dishwasher in the 5 years in this house. he was most put out when I told him recently to put his dishes in the dishwasher, not on top of it

He never does any cleaning, tidying, nothing

He expects to find his stuff where he left it. e.g the clothes that he left in a pile in the middle of the room, the letters that he leaves in the middle of the kitchen worktop. So I should actually work, cook, live around his mess.

he moans and moans to me about how much pain he is in, but hasn't taken any painkillers(toothache, cold etc)

if I start to discuss anything important, ie finances, he just says he can't deal with it. Hence he ows 1000's to the taxman

In his defence, re the stuff at home, he works long hours, is stressed and has to catch up with a lot of sleep at the weekend

will be back with more

He's actually gone, never got this far before

How do you feel?

bit shaky
bit shellshocked i think

Not surprising that you're shocked. Do you have any rl support?

Are you going to start the search for a super duper new man now?

ffs
he's been gone half an hour and just phoned to say goodnight to ds
he's being all "woe is me"

he started off telling me he had done some banking transfers, then said he was seeing a lawyer
then said he would make the announcement
then said he had been sick for 2 weeks, give him a break
then asked if there was someone else?
then if my friends had egged me on to do it?
then " cant believe you are kicking me out of my house"
then"cant believe you don't think i care for you, then reeled off all the material things, the car, the holidays. I don't care about them, I want you to be nice to me

then, I would like to see my son before i get evicted

then said I did fuck all all day.
he is convinced that i just sponge off him

all this is garbled
but im not really thinking about another man piglet!!

but he emptied the dishwasher

Oh that makes everything OK!! I don't know what it is about dishwashers and, well, some men. DH thinks he's done something magnificent if he manages to put something in it. He brought down half a dozen cups from his studio this morning and dumped them on top of the freezer. He does this every few days. I'm not quite sure how he thinks they jump from there to inside the dishwasher.

I asked if he could put them in the dishwasher. He has sulked since then.

He did put them in though (first time EVER!!!)

i don't really want to talk about it in rl Jux
would have to be on the phone

what a prat
we have a family diary on the laptop, I've just noticed that in today's date he has written
XX moved out at useless's request

small violins playing. (very small, very, very small)

Useless...this is such a shock for you but i hope you will stay strong. On another thread today someone suggested playing "I'm a victim" bingo...you predict 5 phrases that you think he is most likely to use to get your emotions engaged with him...one point for every one noticed...because you know he does not think he's really gone..he will keep trying different scripts to see what will get him back in his comfy place with domestic services resumed.

Stay strong.

oh god, it's so all about him
I tried and tried to tell him it doesn't matter what he thinks( he thinks he's done loads) it's how I feel
that's the whole point

this is going to be so hard
I don't mean not giving in
I just mean it's going to be a huge uphill battle. he's going to moan and moan, and cry and beg, and be angry and bitchy, and victimised, and dramatic and sooo hard done by.
Today he asked when he was going to get some luck?
Er, how about your lovely son and wife, nice house, lovely holidays, boys trips at the drop of a hat, stable job, very well paid.
yes you are stressed by your job, but quite frankly, you have taken no steps to deal with that, and you are your own worst enemy, and less alcohol and more sleep would help

and yes your mum is poorly and far away, but in the last year you have visited 6 times, you have millions of air miles that allow you to do this

keep holding onto that small voice of sanity and reason...it is you...you at your best and the you that needs to be free.

he sees himself as the victim,

you know he has really "had it all" and most definitely blown it.

Your turn now, life is out there and you will get to it.

xxfool

Hopefully he will seek help for himself and get better. Perhaps his health insurance through work can be used for a worthy cause this time...

You are going to be ok. You are going to be better off without the strain, without the emotional brickwall. Tonight, do not think too much about what happened today, it's just the result of his behaviour.
Be kind to yourself.
All the best.

He does sound very difficult and needy, refuse to engage, you need space and time to process, and you need to be good on Tuesday. Look after yourself.

now here comes the self-pity

he's just sent me a message saying
sorry he's failed as a father and husband

i can't actually turn my phone off, it's a bit faulty, but i think when the battery dies I will just leave it off

Hang on to that Useful. (Sorry, I rather selfishly don't like calling you Useless.)

What he needs is a house fairy who does all the crap and sits quietly in the corner the rest of the time, unless called upon to shower adulation upon him and gratitude and big him up.

What he doesn't seem to have understood is that stuff - while nice to have - is not a replacement for simple, loving, companionship.

i know this nn is awful, i only meant to change it for one post last week when i was a bit hormonal, but it's stuck

I didn't mean to chastise you! I just didn't want to encourage you to think of yourself like that! If you're OK with it then stick with it.

My brother was in the music business, and when he was about 17 he told us (over Sunay lunch) that he needed to change his name because it was such a common name, both Christian name, but particularly surname. For some reason I was furious with him and told him he should be damn proud of his name and if it was a common name then it was up to him to make it uncommon. When he died, it's what so many people said,"common name, incredibly uncommon man". So, names are what you make them. And I bet you're not useless.

Thats ok jux
That's a nice story about your brother

Was feeling very positive last night.figured out all the outside jobs I needed to do.
Now it's raining, and I'm sat outside the gym. Dithering
I need to go and do exercises for my knee
I got DS to phone him this morning so I haven't spoken to him
Fortunately he's used to H being away

show him your list. If he makes no effort whatsoever to change, or denies your POV, then I don't see how you have any choice other than to split up. Life's too short.

PS you could just take the battery out of the phone and have the joy of knowing your head space is free.

i need the phone on now, cos ds in pre-school
he's emailed to tell me he's topped up the jnt account, so at least he's being fair about money

i am going to get together a list of everything he has done/said, or not done, to make me feel this way
because atm he is incredulous, can't believe that i think he does nothing for me.
and when he argues this point, i struggle to remember all the crap things he does, for some reason

Write him a letter, with questions and statements and ask him to go away and write a reply. You don't have to argue face to face that way.

Haven't spoken to him
He's made a doctors appt