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Original poster

am i being naive to think my marriage can survive?

55 replies

lulubellaboozle · 28/06/2012 09:05

My husband, previously vey loving suddenly became distant, and just not himself about 6 weeks ago. I knew he was very worried about money, his employment contract ends tomorrow and he has no new work lined up and we have a huge mortgage. But after pushing pushing him to tell me why he was behaving so oddly towards me (in previous difficult times we have always clung to each other) a whole load of stuff came out, about what I had and hadn't done and how he felt emotionally disconnected from me. He then disappeared off the next day, came back in a fury and after many teary conversations we were trying to get back on track.

I ruined it all last week by going ballistic, feeling the pressure of trying to do the right thing to make him happy again, worry about the future, feeling rejected. I had too much to drink on a day out with friends and was totally out of control, attacked him, accused him of seeing someone else, he says he's not, but a couple of people have asked me if its a possibility because of his behaviour. My behaviour that days was/is totally unacceptable, I felt mortified and embarassed. I have apologised to everyone and over and over again to him. But he is now not sure if he can ever forgive me ...... spent 2 nights sleeping somewhere else but refuses to say where and has just shut down on me completely.

Could this all be driven by the lack of work, money worries, feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities or is it hopeless? I have told him its over, then backtracked, I'm a mess!

OP posts:
sternface · 28/06/2012 09:17

I very much doubt it.

It sounds like he's having an affair and wants to blame you for why the marriage is in such poor shape.

Marriages can survive all kinds of things, but only if the truth comes out.

Stop beating yourself up for 'ruining things'. You only behaved that way because you were frightened and couldn't make any sense of his behaviour.

If anything has been 'ruined' here I suspect it was your husband doing the 'ruining' and manipulating you into thinking your problems are your fault.

Rule this in or out before doing anything else.

whatkungfuthat · 28/06/2012 09:18

I am so sorry you are going through this. If he has been off with you for 6 weeks and blamed your behaviour then I think you are entitled to get rip-roaring drunk and tell him what a twunt he is being.

Sadly, I think if your gut instinct is telling you there is someone else then you could be right. Even more so if he is reacting to stress differently than normal. There are lots of wise women here that will be able to advise you far better than I could but please stop blaming yourself and apologising.

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/06/2012 09:19

There are quite a few red flags in your post Sad

The distance.

Criticising you and blaming you.

Shutting down/emotional disconnection.

Disappearing.

All of these I am afraid point to a possible affair - I would do some snooping around.

Is he possessive with his phone? Has he mentioned any female colleagues or friends recently?

Houseofplain · 28/06/2012 09:19

He's been having an affair. I'll bet you my house.

The distance and mind fuckery have literally drove you nuts, to breaking point. Now you have. I'm not condoning violence. It's never justifiable, ever. But sometimes you see how it happens.

You've been wound up and up and up. Pushed, made to be felt like you've been going insane, like you don't know everything right? So you've snapped.

He's. Ow got perfect reason to leave, as he has done to ow. As you are now the violent, nutty wife, ofc, so he will be telling himself and everyone he was right. I bet now he's at ows. So he dosent have to do the right thing and come clean and tell you he's leaving or got someone else. So he now comes out of it smelling of roses.

Just tell him it's over and stick to it. He sounds a piece of work tbh.

skyebluesapphire · 28/06/2012 09:20

Been through something similar, I thought it was all down to recent stress but H was distant blamed me for everything and walked out. I later found out he was texting his best mates wife excessively and emailing her etc.

Have you checked email records or his phone? Sorry to have to say this but it would explain his behaviour.....

blueglue · 28/06/2012 09:24

He's having an affair.

Stop blami g yourself for any of it - this is classic affair behaviour.

Sorry

Houseofplain · 28/06/2012 09:24

If you can read through my damn iPad typos. The gist is. Sounds like an affair. This probably has provoked you into snapping after feeling so distressed and treated so cruelly. Feeling a bit confused, etc.

He has now a perfect reason to go off with ow. Without taking any blame. Anyone would think he was just waiting for the excuse...

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/06/2012 09:26

He has been very cruel - forcing you to be the perfect submissive apologetic wife trying to please him. This along with his distance must have driven you to snap.

thebabywife · 28/06/2012 09:27

It doesn't sound like any of this is your fault - it sounds very much like he is having an affair, and you don't have to apologise for any of your behaviour

whatkungfuthat · 28/06/2012 09:30

Try and get some proof. If you can't get to his phone is there someone who could follow him from work and see where he goes? Stay angry as that will get you through, but no more attacks just try to be cold and indifferent to him.

Original poster
lulubellaboozle · 28/06/2012 09:37

I won't find anything. Serves me right, but we both left other partners to be with each other, I thought he was my soul mate and the love of my life and left an unhappy marriage. He told me all sorts of stories about his ex-wife, I believed them and did until 6 weeks ago. I was the OW and I know how devious he was with her. He guards his phone, I don't know any passwords to laptops etc - i know how that all sounds!

I guess its pathetic but given all we have been through together and the fact that until 6 weeks ago, he was still telling me that he loved me more than I would ever know, I can't believe he would do that to me. Of course he swears there isn't someone else but then won't actually tell me where he has been.

OP posts:
DamselInTornDress · 28/06/2012 09:39

It's unanimous. He is following the script. He is lying and cheating and handing the guilt over to you because he knows you well enough to know you will blame yourself and he is happy to let you.

He wont say where he is staying?

For one reason only, and that is, he can't tell you he's staying with the OW just yet. He will once you are absolutely convinced that you fucked up this relationship.

Houseofplain · 28/06/2012 09:40

There is someone else. If he did it to his last wife. He can do it to you, without a second glance.

You know all that stuff, about the crazy, evil, nutty exw. He told you? He's doing that right now in ows bed. But the nutty, crazy wife is YOU.

Still believe him?

sternface · 28/06/2012 09:44

You don't need any proof really.

He's doing the same to you as he did to his ex-wife. I bet he behaved so badly that on occasions she appeared to be deranged and off-the-rails too.

So my advice is to tell him that you know he's having an affair and refuse to tell him what proof you have.

Then ask him to leave - and tell all those people you've been apologising to that he was having an affair all along and trying to make you look like you'd lost your mental health.

Original poster
lulubellaboozle · 28/06/2012 09:45

sorry, he is at home not staying away - he went off in a rage after the incident and stayed away 2 nights but came back. He is living here and sometimes I think I see a glimmer of the old person and then he just shuts down again.

The house is going on the market anyway, it is too much of a financial burden. My 2 kids live with us, they are confused about what is happening and I try to reassure them that whatever does happen we will be okay. It is so hard.

Can it really go from good to bad in such a short space of time?

OP posts:
startlife · 28/06/2012 09:47

How long have you been together? Do you have dc's?

Violence is never acceptable but you have taken responsibility for it. You have offered to make amends but you can't do anything unless he is willing to meet with you and discuss the problems.

I agree with others, he's likely to have checked out of the marriage and hasn't been brave enough to tell you.

I

Houseofplain · 28/06/2012 09:49

He's doing to you what he did to his exw. So yes that's why it's gone bad. He's got an excuse now see. To dislike you and distance and eventually leave for good.

See what he did to her? It's what he is doing to you. You were on the other side, so you know exactly what he's doing. So you can play hard ball.

sternface · 28/06/2012 09:50

When someone's having an affair, yes it can really go from good to bad in a short space of time. Your husband sounds like the type who has to vilify the woman he's rejected in favour of the new squeeze. This takes his personality to a whole different level and IMO, is far worse than the offence of making a connection with someone else.

I'd ask him to leave and spend all your energies reassuring your children that despite yet another upheaval in their young lives, they are safe and loved. Do you have a good enough relationship with their Dad to explain what they are going through right now? Could he help?

MissFaversam · 28/06/2012 09:57

Yes, agree with others OP. He's at it alright with a new one.

If I were you, I'd kick him out and concentrate on your lovely children.

Opentooffers · 28/06/2012 09:59

Huge mortgage, no job. Sounds like a real catch for the OW ;-). Let her have him and try to get out of this yourself without financial ruin. He's got form and will likely do this again to the OW, you are better off out of it.
Meanwhile, cut the boozing and maintain as much dignity as poss as you don't want him getting all the understanding and sympathy.

AMumInScotland · 28/06/2012 10:09

Sorry but you are now in the same position as his Ex was - he's decided to trade you in for a newer model, and will make out that it is all your fault, just as he did to her.

You don't need proof that there is an affair - all you need is to be clear in your own mind that this is not working, because of the way he is behaving.

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/06/2012 10:17

At least you will know how he operates and no doubt he will be using the same script as last time so you will be one step ahead of him this time.

Take control.

Tell him you know he is having an affair.

Tell him its over and ask him to pack his bags.

Get legal advice from CAB/solicitor.

Detach - do not get into rows, debates etc with him. Hold your cards close to your chest.

Be calm and dignified.

Original poster
lulubellaboozle · 28/06/2012 10:48

I have asked him to go and he said no and said I could go! with two kids!!! I've told him I am seeing a solicitor and to tell his mum, who I am close to and speak to that it is over. But he hasn't, and he says there is no need to tell the kids yet either ...... I am so confused, I keep wanting to think he wouldn't do that to me and what if it is all stress and anger, will it go if he finds a new job? I know people will say I'm deluded but I need actual proof and I don't know how to get it.

OP posts:
Houseofplain · 28/06/2012 10:53

You are his exw. He's waiting until the time is right to go don't you see? Until he's got a job, got a house with ow, whatever.

Remember what you and he did to the exw. Remember that as that's what's going to happen to you. Time to get strong and protect yourself.

MadAboutHotChoc · 28/06/2012 10:53

Stop servicing him - no cooking, laundry, shopping etc for him

Yes do carry out your threats to see solicitor.

Telling his Mum may backfire as she will always put her son first.

You have no way of getting proof if you can't get into his laptop or phone. You could follow him though. Get a recording device for the car to record conversations. Now that he knows you suspect him, he will cover his tracks ...