am i being naive to think my marriage can survive?

[lulubellaboozle]

My husband, previously vey loving suddenly became distant, and just not himself about 6 weeks ago. I knew he was very worried about money, his employment contract ends tomorrow and he has no new work lined up and we have a huge mortgage. But after pushing pushing him to tell me why he was behaving so oddly towards me (in previous difficult times we have always clung to each other) a whole load of stuff came out, about what I had and hadn't done and how he felt emotionally disconnected from me. He then disappeared off the next day, came back in a fury and after many teary conversations we were trying to get back on track.

I ruined it all last week by going ballistic, feeling the pressure of trying to do the right thing to make him happy again, worry about the future, feeling rejected. I had too much to drink on a day out with friends and was totally out of control, attacked him, accused him of seeing someone else, he says he's not, but a couple of people have asked me if its a possibility because of his behaviour. My behaviour that days was/is totally unacceptable, I felt mortified and embarassed. I have apologised to everyone and over and over again to him. But he is now not sure if he can ever forgive me ...... spent 2 nights sleeping somewhere else but refuses to say where and has just shut down on me completely.

Could this all be driven by the lack of work, money worries, feeling overwhelmed with responsibilities or is it hopeless? I have told him its over, then backtracked, I'm a mess!

Once a cheat always a cheat.
He cheated on his wife with you, you are not that special that he will not do it to you when something better comes along.
Game over.

Well I'm going to buck the trend. There might be "pointers" but there's no evidence at all that he's having an affair. It's entirely plausible that his recent distant behaviour is down to him being stressed/concerned about his employment and the foreseeable future financially. This may also have led to his meltdown. Which of course, while understandable to a degree, is NOT acceptable.

If this is the case, he should have had the decency to talk to you, not turn it onto you by blaming you etc.

Equally, you are responsible for your blow out which was also unacceptable. For that, you have apologised and that is enough. No need to apologise over and over.

But you do need to sit down and have a frank discussion between you.

Yes, he might be having an affair. But it's not a "given" based on past behaviours.

You know how devious he was with his ex-wife. You know that he was unfaithful to her, and made her out to be nuts to get you into bed. You know how he guards his phone and his passwords.

How exactly do you think you are going to get "proof"? He's got form, and he's behaving the same way again. Plus he's making you doubt your own choices when you are calm enough (or angry enough) to make the decision that you'd be better off without him.

Sel the house, and find yourself somewhere with your children. Honestly, you can do better, and I doubt you will ever be able to trust him again, with or without concrete proof of his infidelity.

If you hang onto him this time, it will only put off the day when you become the "unhappy marriage" he tells his next OW about.

What did he tell you about the ex wife?

This one is a bit too close to home for me. I had been reading about 'The script' a couple of weeks ago.... the one that men follow when they're playing away... and I went cold. I asked my husband that evening whether there was anything he'd like to share with me (following months of emotional and physical distance, and increase in gym visits, a tooth whitening course, new clothes, new friends) and was told that he's not happy with me, not happy with the mundane aspects of family life and wanted to be single (we have 2 DS - 13 and 12). So I asked him to go. He swears that there is nobody else and has since changed his mind twice (more to do with missing his home comforts then seeking a reconcilliation) and has said that technically, he could move back in if he wants to. He didn't want to tell the boys but I think they need to have some sense of what is going on so we have said he's moved to his parents' as we're not getting on very well. He works shifts which means they're quite used to him not being around all the time.

I'm still trying to negotiate what is going to happen long term but oddly, the more cool and detached I am, the less he likes it. I'm trying to be strong for the boys but don't like the threat of him moving into the spare room, which would be a killer.

I too think that it has all gone tits up in such a short space of time that I'm shell-shocked.

Apologies - I realise that this is very me, me me and not a great deal of use for you. Quite cathartic to get it out though...

I'm assuming he's not the children's father and therefore has no legal responsibility to maintain them?

This is why you need some legal advice - and fast.

You can't force him to leave but if you're married you can force the sale of the house and claim up to 50% of any assets, assuming you didn't have any alternative 'contracts' in place.

I understand the advice about stopping any domestic support, but all this is very damaging to children who by the sounds of things have already had a terrible upheaval when you left their dad for this man.

For their sake, try to bring this to a head and if it's necessary, have a clean break.

I also understand why you feel you need 'proof' but apart from giving you some relief that it's not you going mad, it's enough that your husband is making you very unhappy and is staying out at night without telling you where he is or when he'll be back. Look at what this behaviour has done to you - you behaved in a way that was presumably very out of character. Your kids are bearing the brunt of that too - and don't think they don't know that something is desperately wrong.

Act swiftly would be my advice and get some breathing space and more control over the situation, for your sake and your children's.

I'm sorry but he is following the script to the letter :( it's an affair.
You need to try and get evidence. Can you get hold of his laptop? I will be flamed for this but you could install a key logger to get his email or Facebook passwords. If he is cheating you need proof in order to petition for divorce.

He's not the children's father, they are 14 and 12. I get financial support from their dad for them, but I put all assets from the sale of the house from my previous marriage into my new life with my H. He still owns a property with his ex wife as he didn't want to uproot his daughters and make them move out. He pays the full mortgage on the property and has a 48% stake in the equity. So I am hoping I am entitled to half of that as well as half of what we have. However the ex's home can't be sold until his eldest is 18 and she is only 12 now.

I guess I am just in denial despite all the obvious signs, i can't believe he can really be that much of bastard.

Why can't you believe it? He cheated before. He's more than capable.

I know he is capable, he was very good at it. I suppose I can't get my head around someone who has been so loving for so many years just suddenly changes like that. His mum said she could always see there were problems in his last marriage but that with me he always seemed so happy and devoted.

Well either his mum will wise up now or she'll be saying the same about your marriage to the current OW....

Really I would get legal advice and put your children first now. This must be awful for them.

Oh, dear.

This really does illustrate that affairs are just a horrible, destructive thing to do, and not a good foundation to build on.

Do stay calm, remind him that he can negotiate with the bank for a mortgage holiday it isn't all lost.

About the rest - that is how my H behaved when he was having an affair, but I hope it is worry over work.

"I guess I am just in denial despite all the obvious signs, i can't believe he can really be that much of bastard."

But you've always known that about him.

He's really done a number on you property-wise.

You basically gave him half the money that belonged to you and your children.

Notice he wasn't that daft?

I guess I am just in denial despite all the obvious signs, i can't believe he can really be that much of bastard

Well you better start believing it - quicksmart.

Like others, I'm sad and concerned for your kids who have already been through one upheaval - time to get tough, pull yourself together, and protect them as much as possibly emotionally and financially and in terms of stability. They are the innocents in this.

Your 'soulmate' is a ruthless, selfish bastard. But you should have really worked that one out when he was cheating on his wife with you.

Wow he's done you over financially with the house, he's got brains at least. To protect his own kids and property. So where do yours stand?

You need advice pronto, before your kids get upheaved again and end up without a home, that was such a silly thing to do.

He's a cheating bastard op, he's doing to you, what you both were happy to do to his ex wife. The sad thing here, is you've risked your child's security you salvaged from the last break up and can't see it,

I should have worked it out, but i didn't - just had a phone call from school to say my daughter isn't feeling well, they are going to get her to have lunch and I will go and get her if she still isn't feeling better. I think it is a physical reaction to emotional distress. I feel so shit, to put them though this, they are such lovely kids and don't deserve it. My son in particular has been really close to H, sees him as more of a father than his real Dad.

I suppose I am just questioning myself, my judgement, my naiviety everything about myself. Maybe I will feel better tomorrow when I see the solicitor.

I know this is what he did to his ex, believe me, I do know I only have myself to blame .....im not a bad person, I thought we had created a happy home, my kids and his kids love each other, the girls call each other sisters.

I just can't stop crying today, I'm scared of what the future is, I am 46 years old and the thought of starting again is so overwhelming. I know I have to be strong for my kids, I am trying and I will do whatever I need to do to make sure they are provided for.

It's not about blame. It's about wising up to what happened before and using that knowledge to protect your kids.

So you broke up his marriage and when he cheats on you you want to get half of his ex wifes house, so classy

i'm with RabidAnchovy

You break up his first mariage and now you want her house?

i feel sorry for anyone that is cheated on by their patner - men leave their wives because the new woman makes them feel special.

you broke up a marriage because he told you you were special.

you are not special and now someone else is making him feel special

its called karma

it gives me faith in the universe

take all you can but leave his first family out of it

I understood that the OP wanted half of her husband's share of the equity, not half of the whole house..?

I am totally confused, how do some of the posters on here know OP husband is having an affair? His actions sound like a man frustrated by financial problems due to potential lack of income.

Yes the op thinks she might be entitled to half the equity of the house he stills owns with his ex wife. Seeing as they are married that may well be the case.

I think it obvious that a lot of posters are pissed off that the op used to be the ow and feel she is getting what she deserves. But perhaps its time to leave that be now and actually give advice.

Hey, stop being so judgemental - she knows she has done wrong and let's leave it there. She is asking for support and remember her children are the innocent ones here (such a shame her cheating H is getting away with this though!).

Well, her children and his children are the innocent ones here.

And both their exes.