BF issues- Calling all especially Muslim Sisters

[AdrianaMaliana]

Name Change here obviously.

I will try to be brief.

We are muslim family. Sister is in early 20, has been at uni and now working. I found out she has been on dating websites to meet guys. I was shocked as she has been the goody two shoes of the family. By that i mean that she has female and male friends but had never gone out with anyone.

Found out she has been messaging this guy for a week, through a dating website. His messages to her were "i want to f**k you hard, it will hurt at first but you will love it etc", you get my drift.

She still goes out to see him, has been in contact with him. She is planning to stay with him for a week and sleep with him. He foned the home telephone, i picked up the call and she did to at the same time. She was telling him i have bought a skirt just like you asked, have bought sexy clothes and bikini wax. To say i was shocked is an understatement. Im sure you would agree to the stupidity of giving the home number where he can call her. Anyone could have heard her, thankfully my parents had gone to bed.

Have talked to her, reasoning with her as to the consequences of just F**king a guy who sends messages like that. She understands him apparently. She is lying to everyone where she is going all the time. I am concerned about her spending a week with him. What can i do ? should i tell someone who could talk to her such as my cousin? She is very tempramental

Also my sis spoke to him on fb and warned him of her. Still has had no effect.

Everybody: This is a religious issue. She is a muslim and wants to remain. In islam sex before marriage is prohibited. So it is an issue. Please do not say she should do what ever she wants as we (sisters and cousins) look out for each other. She is the naivest person in the world and it appears any bit of attention from a guy and she is falling for them.

I dont know what to do. I have looked out for her all my life and now feel so helpless while i watch her mess her life up.

Also we are not against her having boyfriends. Its just as long as they are respectful of the women it is not an issue. (This would be the same across all religions/cultures)

The guy sent her obscene messages even before she met him. Yet she is still going to sleeep with him

Why is she willing / eager to sleep with this (creepy sounding) man, do you think? Is it lack of self-esteem? Is she just desperate for male attention? Has she been prevented from meeting and dating (normal or nicer) men?
At the end of the day is you.get heavy-handed about what she can and cant do, you may.cause a.Romeo and Juliet situation. Rather than forbid her from sex in some big bossy fashion, why not try to explore what she thinks sex should be like (loving, consensual, between equals, dedicated to mutual pleasure, etc) and ask if this man seems likely to initiate that kind of experience?

Oooooh, this is going to end so badly. WHY is she doing this? Is this man a white guy, or a fellow muslim?

You must be so worried. What to do? I am afraid that if she is determined to rebel like this, you cannot really stop her. Please keep trying to talk to her, but don't betray her to your parents or your cousin.

O.P, if you want religious type advice, might be best to move this thread into the religion section.

Back on topic, he sounds like a total arse.

You've given her all the advice you can, particularly that he is probably not the nicest of people. Really emphasis that she is worth far, far more then some dodgy bloke on the internet. But you can't stop her, unfortunately.

Considering this is probably not going to end well, the best thing to do, is make sure you're parents don't find out and try to talk to her about using a condom.

I know, you probably don't want to get involved in helping her do this, but it's stopping a mistake turning into an even bigger one.

I am Muslim, so I know what a big deal these things are, but sometimes we are all less than perfect. Feel free to P.M me.

Thanks for the replies.

He is white. We have said to her if u guys are soo much in love why dont u get married first?

Apparently he said he will think about converting in the future after she has slept with him.

Well he does sound like a creep but it's perfectly understandable that she wants to sleep with him. She's worth far, far more than being valued only for an intact hymen; as a human being she is entitled to make her own choices. All religious texts are open to a variety of interpretations, and it's possible that someone else will be along who is aware of a more liberal (and less misogynistic) version of Islam and can advise her appropriately.

Is there anyone she pays attention to? A trusted friend or other relative? A mullah?

What would your dps' likely reaction if they discovered what she's planning?

What reason will she be giving for absenting herself from home for a week to stay with this sleazy lowlife man? How old is he? Do you have his address/phone numbers?

Oh no. He just wants a bit of horny asian babe that converting stuff is RUBBISH. He is a disgusting sleazy stranger.

You know he is going to use her, how hard for you to watch! But this is her mistake to make, please don't betray her to your parents/cousin. If it comes out, you know NOTHING.

Should i show her this thread? Maybe that would help?

She is not giving any details about this guy, where he lives, what he does etc. She is telling everyone she is going on a work course. My parents would be devastated if they found out. Esp if they found out what he messaged her before hand.

She is not close to anyone in the family who she would listen to. We have said is it worth it all? And she just said everyone makes mistakes. But this is a mistake that may haunt her.

Talk to her. Point out how dangerous it is for her to plan this with a man she barely knows who obviously just wants to use her for sex. She is very vulnerable and particularly if no one else knows where she is.

If she's allowed boyfriends why doesn't she get to know him more before she sleeps with him? Then, once she knows him better, her first experience could be a nicer one (we know when she gets to know him she'll realise he's horrible).

Anyone who 'is aware of a more liberal (and less misogynistic) version of Islam' is unlikely to make a blind bit of difference to this situation if the OP's dsis's family are not of the same mind, sgb.

How reactionary traditional are your folks, Adriana? What would be the likely consequence for your dsis if she embarks on a sexual relationship before marriage and is caught in the act, so to speak, or after the event?

Would your dps disown her? Would it be considered that she has brought shame to, or dishonoured, your family?

We all would be shocked. More becuase she has put herself in a situation were she is being treated like shit, just so she can be used.

Parents arent that bad, open to talking about marriages. They would be happy for her to bring a guy home and say she wants to get married to him. But this would be their worst nightmare. It would be any parents nightmare if their daughter was hopping into bed with a sleazebag

She is so naieve.

The thing is, there can be relationships that last a fair distance. But when a guy comes up with disgusting filthy language the first time he contacts her, making it clear he is after one thing only, its so hard to watch someone you care fall.

Ive done both talks with her.

She says he has talked to her and she "undertands" why he said that obscene stuff in the begining.! Aparently he was after sex before and now wants a relationship!!!

its disgusting but she calls him babes.

OK if you show her this thread:

Dear Sister. You are going to be making a big, big mistake. There is a saying about internet dating. Internet dating is like looking for diamonds in a sewer.

I understand that you want to live and experience life and so am not going to condemn you. But there are better ways of doing it, than trusting someone you DO NOT KNOW AT ALL before your sister who cares, and keeping it a secret from her?

What happens if you are starting, and he drops all pretense of thinking about you and what feels good for you, just goes for the penetration and DOES f* you roughly? It really, really hurts! The ring around the vagina is small and tight in virgins, and it takes a lot of arousal and slow care, to overcome. And unlike the novels, this tight ring that is being stretched way beyond CONTINUES to hurt all the time he is thrusting, and all the times after that too. It doesn't just 'break' and then all is fine. It hurts! When we get together as girls and talk about 'the first time' over coffee, I promise you the stories are not good! This is because we were with boys who were inexperienced and we were too shy to say what we wanted (take it 100 times slower) - and some were rapes.

What happens if he takes images of you? What happens if you go to his house - which you haven't told anyone about, you walk in, and he is there with 4 of his friends? What will you do then? You know that this happened in reverse, with the little kids in care used by the muslim gangs.

What you are doing is dangerous and you are handing over far, far too much power to a complete stranger.
If I were you, what I would do is buy a rabbit, find out for yourself what you like and turns you on, and then find a nice boy who you can talk to about that stuff and who would want to please you. Boys all want penetration and thrusting because that is what feels good to them, and we have to learn about what caresses we like, and TEACH them. But that takes a man who really cares about you, and who is prepared to put your slow needs over his impatience.

The fact that he has spoken to you like that in text, is not a good sign. This is not what respectful men say. He has actually promised rape. I seriously doubt if he would stop when if you got alarmed or it wasn't happening the way you hoped for and said 'stop'. Believe me, many of us know what that feels like.

Please think about this stuff. I am well over 20 years older than you and I hope talking to you openly and lovingly as though you are my own daughter, about the trials of my friends and my young life, you will listen to. It is a VERY rare man who loves you enough to go so slowly that it is great. And this man is not it. He will hurt you. He will.

You know, it's possible that she's not that naive. She is in her early 20s, has been to university and has a job. She has had the opportunity to meet and talk to people who do not cling to this unpleasant, outdated mindset of women as virgins-until-marriage breeding stock, and it's possible that she has decided for herself that she wants to have a sex life and enjoy it. She has every right to do this. She has every right to reject the family religion without being punished for doing so. If you love her, support her in her choices and be there for her if things go wrong.

It very much sounds as if she's being groomed fallen victim to a predatory male which is one of the worst nightmares that dps can imagine.

Unfortunately, she's over an age where you can report him to the police.

When is this 'work course' due to take place? If he phones your home again can you dial 1471 after the call to check whether or not he's withheld his number?

I can only suggest you tell her that if she intends to put herself at risk in this manner you'll have no alternative but to tell your dps because you'll never forgive yourself, nor will they forgive you, if something untoward happens to her that you could have prevented.

Whether you follow through on this threat is a decison that only you can make but, given her naivety, it's not difficult to imagine other nightmare scenarios that may befall her at the hands of this unscrupulous man.

Thank you Abitwobblynow. She may understand a bit from your post. The problem is she isnt listening to us, it goes over her head so maybe if its black or white she will pay more attention.

SGB: She is very naive. She had her whole uni live to experiment but she didnt because she didnt make friends. She has rights, but as she is a muslim, and wants to remain one, we have to follow Allahs words. We may not follow all of it perfectly, we may even not follow most of it. But this is more than that. Would you allow your sister/daughter to meet such a sleazebag and be happy for it as she has decided for herself that she wants to?

Everyone wants freedom. With that comes responsibility to yourself and ppl around you.

I'd have no problem whatsoever with that scenario sgb, but I would still have serious reservations about a young woman who was making an informed decision to lose her virginity taking herself off for a week with a man she's recently met on the internet without leaving her destination address/his details with a friend/responsible adult.

Izzyizin just read your post, done 1471 and got a landline number. I suppose i could keep it for now. I want to call him and tell him what a dick he is but thats gonna make things better. All he will think is her family knows so it is all cool.

My other sister did fb msg him a while a go warning him off her, but it has had no effect. If anything it would make him more cocky.

I cant believe she gave the house telephone number. Why, would u make such a stupid thing!!! This is what i mean by naive.

In our family, where secret relationships have gone wrong, and the other person had the house telephone number, they have been blackmailed to do things otherwise they would tell the parents. Its like they then have ammunition

Your fear is my fear too, Adriana. This man could establish a hold on her that may last for a very long time.

A reverse search of his landline telephone number may reveal his name and address.

Do you have a trusted male friend/relative who could make a call to warn him off in no uncertain terms?