BF issues- Calling all especially Muslim Sisters

[AdrianaMaliana]

Name Change here obviously.

I will try to be brief.

We are muslim family. Sister is in early 20, has been at uni and now working. I found out she has been on dating websites to meet guys. I was shocked as she has been the goody two shoes of the family. By that i mean that she has female and male friends but had never gone out with anyone.

Found out she has been messaging this guy for a week, through a dating website. His messages to her were "i want to f**k you hard, it will hurt at first but you will love it etc", you get my drift.

She still goes out to see him, has been in contact with him. She is planning to stay with him for a week and sleep with him. He foned the home telephone, i picked up the call and she did to at the same time. She was telling him i have bought a skirt just like you asked, have bought sexy clothes and bikini wax. To say i was shocked is an understatement. Im sure you would agree to the stupidity of giving the home number where he can call her. Anyone could have heard her, thankfully my parents had gone to bed.

Have talked to her, reasoning with her as to the consequences of just F**king a guy who sends messages like that. She understands him apparently. She is lying to everyone where she is going all the time. I am concerned about her spending a week with him. What can i do ? should i tell someone who could talk to her such as my cousin? She is very tempramental

Also my sis spoke to him on fb and warned him of her. Still has had no effect.

Everybody: This is a religious issue. She is a muslim and wants to remain. In islam sex before marriage is prohibited. So it is an issue. Please do not say she should do what ever she wants as we (sisters and cousins) look out for each other. She is the naivest person in the world and it appears any bit of attention from a guy and she is falling for them.

I dont know what to do. I have looked out for her all my life and now feel so helpless while i watch her mess her life up.

After reading a bit more of the detail of your posts OP, I think if your Dsis seriously intends to go ahead to this you have to warn her that you will tell your parents and do so.

You cannot watch her put herself in to such a dangerous position. Anything could happen - rape, kidnap, assault of other kinds etc.. If it were me I would want to know I'd done everything I could to prevent her getting potentially seriously harmed.

I have asked DH to have a "word" with the guy but he doesnt feel comfortable doing that which is fair enough.

If i get a male cousin to do the talking, would it be better if he spoke to sister first rather than guy?

I could threaten to tell parents but she will still go ahead. Because she doesnt care. She thinks it will give her a chance to move out! This from the person who doesnt even know how to use a washing machine!!

I would suggest that any conversation should be held with him first and dsis after the event.

However, any 'talk' will carry more weight if it's made clear to the recipient that his name and address are known to the caller.

Personally, having obtained his address, I'd check it out before making any call as it could be anything from a bail hostel to his marital home.

I'm wondering how much your dsis 'doesn't care' because she's away with the fairies under the illusion that she's found 'love' in the shape of a man who'll rescue her from the tedium of living with family expectations when he converts/marries her.

Of course, you could box exceedingly clever by 'accidentally' revealing to your dps in her presence that she has a new boyfriend and suggest that she brings him home to introduce him to the family.

If she demurs, press the point - wave his phone number around and announce that you'll give him a call and invite him yourself.

Desperate times call for desperate measures and I sincerely hope you can save your dsis from herself on this occasion, Adriana.

OP - Am extremely suspicious of this man. He could be an "arranger" for a porn ring. He has established that your DS is a virgin and has persuaded her to "prepare" herself already. She could be drugged on the first day of her stay, explicitly videoed losing her virginity, then be raped by scores of other men in any way they wish for the rest of the week. She could be filmed and photographed and then pitilessly abandoned. The images could then be sold at a vast profit - plenty of people willing to pay for that sort of thing. Your sister's future would be in tatters.

Hypothetical scenario? Yes.
Possible scenario? Yes.

Google the man's number - it may show up - and contact the police.

Good luck and hope that your sister takes heed of all the MN posters who are thinking of her.

Thanks everyone. This has highlighted issues that i hadnt even thought about re grooming etc. Like how he has asked her to buy new clothes etc, waxing.

Its scarry how all this can happen to someone who is so close to you yet very blind to it. Im going to print a few replies off and show them to her.

Would it make things difficult if we warn the guy? what angle would u recommend? something strong that even if she wants to meet him he says no.

If you "warn" the guy very "strongly" you lay yourself open to a charge of threatening behaviour.

I would be extremely worried about about her safety, after a week he could have her on drugs and working for him. He could tell her he is "waiting" to appear respectful then sell her virginity to the highest bidder!.

If you want to keep in the family, don't muck about just tell your parents about it straight up, she will probably hate you for now, but may thank you in years to come.

she could get murdered-never mind losing her virginity
she doesn't know this bloke from adam

Some great advice on here already.

If however she still refuses to listen, please get her on your side and make her give you the details of his mobile number and where she is meeting him.

As a Christian who believes in waiting for marriage, I know how hard it is and how men will promise anything to get you into bed.

I have discovered there are three main types. Those who walk away when they can't get you into bed, those who promise you the world and after sex walk away and those who will understand your beliefs and wait.

You can't ask a man to change, just as you shouldn't ask a woman to. Therefore your sister might not change her mind, but she does need to be safe

i must be getting old, as i cant see this from anyone elses pov but that of a mother.

i have 3 daughters and if 1 of them was planning this and the other 2 didnt tell me- i would be devastated and extremely angry.

she might do it anyway, or hate you all for years but even if he turns out to just be a horny young man with a liking for asian women, it still smacks of a lamb going to the wolf.

Found this by googling

Muslim Youth Helpline: 0808 808 2008 (Area served LONDON), email [email protected], www.myh.org.uk - Helpline providing culturally sensitive support to Muslim youth under the age of 25. Outreach services, including family mediation, face to face counselling and befriending

Still think that you should contact the police; this all sounds so irregular!

On reflection, perhaps the Muslim Youth Helpline would be best. Hope that all works out well, OP.

I am concerned because this woman is an adult and it seems to me that her family are being very controlling. By all means advise her on dating safety, but threatening her and blackmailing her and trying to forbid her from choosing who she wants to see and have sex with: that's very wrong.

is he really a random stranger? Talk about warning him and messaging him on Facebook suggests not

It sounds as if she considers herself to be in a relationship with him.

Why is giving the home phone number stupid-and unless it´s in a room where everyone else is-why could anyone hear her?

You picked up-realised it wasn´t for you-but listened in?

I´m not surprised that she´s secretive!

That said, he doesn´t sound nice at all.

What will your reaction be to her when he has sex & dumps her?

Will you help her through it?

What about family-would they help her?

It sounds extremely dangerous. I want to "fuck you hard" could mean rape and violence.

Religion is almost irrelevent her. What is her self esteem like. Does she have friends.

Her self esteem is very low.

Shes very strict with her diet, issues with her diet. She was annorexic in the past so i suppose that is what would happen when he finishes getting what he wants.

She does consider herself in love with him and in a relationship. Its all " i love you babes" and that rubbish.

Part of me is wondering if showing her this thread isnt going to work, the help lines and the letter other person wrote on first page, then maybe i should let her get on with it, waiting for her to trip up and land on the floor head first.

Try not to be too hard on her.

She sounds as if she needs help.

Do all you can to make sure that she is safe when with him & be there for her when it (hopefully) ends.

I agree with SGB.

This woman went on a dating website to meet guys (plural) of her own accord.

She has already been meeting up with this man.

You have no idea if she has met other guys.

I think you need to leave her to do what she wants and be there as a family to support her if things go wrong.

For the first time ever, the words SHOW HER THIS THREAD have made utter and perfect sense.

The bottom line is, regardless of religion (though appreciate that plays a part) or colour or anything else, this is a young girl who appears to be being played by someone.

But, at the same time, you need her to know what she may be throwing away by persuing this. I am not a Muslim and will not pretend to understand your religion, but I am guessing if she DOES sleep with him and it's found, it will have long term consequences... for you,

jeez Xales and SGB, I wouldnt want to be part of your family.

Letting ppl do what ever they want to even though she is walking in a lions then being there to support her WHEN things go wrong.

I have found out that she has indeed met a few men on the dating websites. Who she met because she wants to be FRIENDS with. But they fizzled out.

This guy sends her a perverted message and she wants to sleep with him. It just doesnt make sense.

There is a problem with supporting family when things go wrong?

If she has already met men from dating sites, lived independently, been to university and already met this man without coming to harm then I assume she has some sense and knows how to look after herself.

People have to live their own lives and make their own mistakes.

You can advise when you think they are heading the wrong way you cannot control them nor should you have the right to.

"Letting ppl do what ever they want to even though she is walking in a lions then being there to support her WHEN things go wrong."

What do you suggest, then?

Not allowing her to leave the house other than for work & abandoning her when she needs you?

Have you given any thought as to why she meets men online & not in real life, why she is so desperate to keep this man that she is considering sleeping with him?