BF issues- Calling all especially Muslim Sisters

[AdrianaMaliana]

Name Change here obviously.

I will try to be brief.

We are muslim family. Sister is in early 20, has been at uni and now working. I found out she has been on dating websites to meet guys. I was shocked as she has been the goody two shoes of the family. By that i mean that she has female and male friends but had never gone out with anyone.

Found out she has been messaging this guy for a week, through a dating website. His messages to her were "i want to f**k you hard, it will hurt at first but you will love it etc", you get my drift.

She still goes out to see him, has been in contact with him. She is planning to stay with him for a week and sleep with him. He foned the home telephone, i picked up the call and she did to at the same time. She was telling him i have bought a skirt just like you asked, have bought sexy clothes and bikini wax. To say i was shocked is an understatement. Im sure you would agree to the stupidity of giving the home number where he can call her. Anyone could have heard her, thankfully my parents had gone to bed.

Have talked to her, reasoning with her as to the consequences of just F**king a guy who sends messages like that. She understands him apparently. She is lying to everyone where she is going all the time. I am concerned about her spending a week with him. What can i do ? should i tell someone who could talk to her such as my cousin? She is very tempramental

Also my sis spoke to him on fb and warned him of her. Still has had no effect.

Everybody: This is a religious issue. She is a muslim and wants to remain. In islam sex before marriage is prohibited. So it is an issue. Please do not say she should do what ever she wants as we (sisters and cousins) look out for each other. She is the naivest person in the world and it appears any bit of attention from a guy and she is falling for them.

I dont know what to do. I have looked out for her all my life and now feel so helpless while i watch her mess her life up.

She can do what ever she likes when ever she likes. So she is not restricted if that is what you were asking.

She doesnt meet ppl in real life as she doesnt socialise. She doesnt socialise with the family at events etc. She wants some mates, so she thought joining up to a dating site would be the right place to look. That is naivity. Everyone knows that men only join it to for one thing.

He has shown her some attention that is why she is lapping up to hiim.

DOES ANYONE HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE OF THIS HAPPENING TO THEM/SISTER/DAUGHTER SO I CAN ADVISE HER OF THE RISK

specifically when they start off communication with obscene messages.

I feel as if i do show her the thread she will say that she is in a different situation..

I have a cousin who met a man over the internet with some similarities - not so much the violent subtext, or the ultra-quick arrangements to spend a week together, but the manipulation of - this is what I like sexually/clothes wise etc, and with all sort of excuses why she couldnt visit his home. Despite all the fine words, he was, unsurprisingly, married, it turned out. He was merely a liar and cheat rather than anything more sinister, fortunately.

I think there are 2 issues here:
1)the general religious ideas about sex before marriage and the secular attitude towards these, which I think we will have to agree to disagree with
but
2)the issue of this particular man, who does sound absolutely awful and predatory and possibly dangerous.

she sounds very vulnerable indeed from your description

Don't be too disparaging about those 'i love you babes' - they're par for the course in the first flush of 'lurrrve' and they're obviously meaningful for your disis.

If this was simply a case of your dsis wishing to have a sexual relationship with a man who is not of her faith while continuing to live in the bosom of her family, I would have no hesitation in telling you to keep her confidences/your discoveries to yourself and butt out.

But, from what you've said, it appears that your dsis is an extremely vulnerable young woman and, although she's in her 20's, has attended university and is currently working, there's no indication of her possessing street smarts or the emotional intelligence to see that this man's motives may be questionable.

As ReallyTired has said, in this situation religion is irrelevant. Neverthless, I would have thought the vast majority of adult males in the UK are aware of the value placed on virginity in the Islamic faith and of the possible consequences for Muslim girls/women who come from less liberal families than your own.

If this man's intentions towards her are honourable and they are in a bona fide relationship, I see no reason why they should need conduct their affair in a clandestine manner.

If he's willing to meet your family and court your dsis openly, I'd see no objection should she wish to spend a night, a week, or however long with him under the guise of a work related event.

However, under the circumstances, what I'm finding difficult to believe is that any right minded thinker could view the prospect of your dsis going off to stay with a man whose name and address would appear to be unknown to anyone other than herself, with anything other than fear for her safety and wellbeing.

Far too many young women are exploited by predatory males on a daily basis. The recent publicity given to the trial of Asian men who were engaged in grooming, abusing, and using, young non-Asian girls for sex made no mention of the fact that non-Asian men seek out Asian girls for the same purpose.

Your dsis could find herself featuring on one of the Asian babes porn sites or fall victim to an infinitely worse fate.

If you search the net you'll find many such stories as those here: www.google.co.uk/url?sa=t&rct=j&q=killed%20after%20internet%20meeting&source=web&cd=2&ved=0CFUQFjAB&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.bobparsons.me%2F90%2Fwhy-internet-bad-place-meet-people-murder-virginia-taylor-behl-story.html&ei=bDnrT7GbEMyt8QOmwrzDBQ&usg=AFQjCNH-22DUPnkKRCsesbXfHP-RXq5Tcw&cad=rja

There's also the tragic case of Ashleigh Hall, another naive young girl with low self-esteem.

The name this man's given your dsis may be false; he may be married, he could be anything, and the landline number you've acquired could be a public phone.

Regardless of the sexual intent of your dsis and no matter how charming/plausible he may be in rl, there is no way I could countenance any woman setting out to stay for a week with a stranger she's met on the internet unless she's checked him out thoroughly (met his friends/family etc).

Will your dsis give you his name and address and where she'll be staying so that you can at least attempt to confirm that he is who he says he is, and so that you can contact her should any emergency arise while she is staying with him?

I reckon it's unlikely she's visited his home or the venue for her proposed deflowering; I strongly suspect that if she had, she would no longer be a virgin.

If he's told her that he's whisking her off to some hotel or other for a week, I'd put money on him being married.

Whatever one's religious beliefs, this complete creep 'guy' sounds dangerous to me.
This has nothing to do with sexual scenarios and everything, as 'izzy' says, to do, with meeting an unknown man who is telling her to dress like a prostitute and have a bikini wax!
FFS do not be shy about bringing in the big guns to protect your sister.
If you cannot tell your parents, is there anyone else you could get involved in putting a stop to this'

I agree this has nothing to do with relegion, the same advice would apply regardless The relegious aspect of this just makes the stakes much higher in terms of your sisters's future.

This is not a simple case of boy meets girl that parents would not approve of
It does sound like she is being manipulated by a man who is potentially dangerous or alternatively is being groomed. There are some nasty men (and I presume women) who use internet dating to get close to vulnerable women and it is very easy to create a feeling of intimacy this way as it makes a bubble where it is just the two of them.

You have to assume he is a threat to her safety, whether that is her future via her 'honour' or worse. He has already told her 'it' will hurt at first, he has laid out exactly what he is going to do to her.

Tell her in no uncertain terms his words and requests are not those of a normal good man. No good can come of this. I doubt she will believe you as she has been convinced by him he thinks she is special. This is of course how grooming works.

I suggest you get practical. You may have to gather more information from her and find a way to warn him off make manipulating your sister too much hassle for him to bother with. On no account should you try and tackle this yourself, you may have to get advice from one of the organisations mentioned up thread or enlist the help of a male relative. Ultimately you may have to tell your parents. The consequences of them finding out will be serious, but the alternative could be worse.

OP - your sister does indeed sound vulnerable. I would suggest trying to persuade her to find support for herself from a culturally sensitive counselling agency...because, even if this man is seen off, she knows where to find the next possibility and she may be more secretive next time.

OP, I also have to say, while this man may be a bad 'un, that you are judgemental and insulting about internet dating and the men who use it. No, not all men who net date are only looking for sex and some women choose and enjoy to go on dating sites that are explicitly only for sexual relationships. Of course, it sounds like your sister is not emotionally stable enough to make such choices at the moment if it is true that she has no friends, an eating disorder and no experience of relationships.

Sorry cant write much at the mo as i have a banging headache. I am a muslim and this happened to my sis. Pl pm me so that we can chat on the phone.

Hope you're headache disappears soon, sh77 and I also hope you'll come back and tell us more about your dsis's experience and whether you were able to protect her from herself.

AM, this must be a worrying time for you, and as many say not just for religious reasons. I would be concerned if I found my sister was in the same position.

Is there anyone else whose opinion your sister values and who she would feel she can talk to openly (you say she doesn't have any friends, but maybe a former teacher/colleague, even some of her "just friends" from the dating site)? She may not be listening to you if she feels you have infringed on her privacy (listening to phone calls, warning him off on FB) and judged him already.

Warning her does not seem to be working, so you may need to try something different - could you pretend to be open to getting to know him? If there is someone else she trusts, ask her to let them meet him first. At the very least she must leave details with someone as to where she is and ask her to call/text you daily. Failing that, I would be tempted to use his phone number and facebook profile to do a little detective work to find out who he is and where he lives before she goes! (I don't mean stake outs, just google and BT searches).

I am a criminal barrister and a muslim.I have defended and prosecuted cases where men have used Facebook and internet dating sites to seduce younger girls.Even though your sister is over the age of consent this guy is obviously thinking her lack of experience, means easy target.Don't be too harsh with her tell her you would support her if she met a man in normal circumstances( I understand your reservations but at least she might meet someone who is not a dangerous creep)

wow.

as i see this its not about her religion, its about her welfare. If i were you, i would do absolutely anything to stop her doing this. and i mean anything.

what have you managed to find out about this man? keep his phone number, and get googling. i would also snoop on facebook and see if you can find out where he lives - even make up a new profile and weedle your way in, to find out as much about him as possible.

at the moment, i dont think its a police matter - but it could end up being. Human trafficking is big business, as is porn and prostitution and this is how lots of young women get lured in. They can be drugged, filmed, raped, and if no one is expecting her home for a week a week is a very very long time....

where i work, we had a young woman reported missing the month after i began training.

she was found dead weeks later, she had been groomed for sex from an early age. In fact i regularly get missing person reports from frantic mothers of young women, who are off the rails, i had 5 reports last saturday night, all young women, all out of control, all engaging in horribly risky behaviour.

my point is - this happens - it doesnt matter what religion or colour or creed - she is putting herself in the most vulnerable situation possible. I would also have huge concerns about the motives of this man - he is preying on someone vulnerable, he sounds like an absolute low life, tellling her what to wear and how to wax....i would be very concerned regards his motives ,and i would be questioning what has suddenly caused this sudden loss of all inhibition in your sister.....

youve got few choices, as i see it.

you tell your parents.
you could contact the police for advice, but make sure you tell them everything, see what their advice is.

as a very last resort, if she goes, i would consider reporting her missing, but obviously you parents would need to know if you do this.

oh and look on you tube for cautionary films about the dangers of doing exactly what you sister is looking at doing....

warn her. make her watch these. there are more.

sorry i was under the impression she had not met this man.....has she been seeing him?

if she has, and its a relationship - and if it is indeed a relationship - however much you dis approve of it - you need to butt out.

which is it?

if she is meeting men and engaging in risky behaviour - thats one thing
if she has just met a man on the internet whom she has begun seeing but you and ther rest of the family dont approve of - thats another.

He is a predator. Oh, I hope she comes to her senses.

Firstly please tell your sister he is not normal. Just because most non-muslims are not waiting until marriage it doesnt mean we are

1. Happy to be sent filthy texts by some random we have not met.
2. Happy to risk our safety by lying to our family and friends about our wherabouts for a week.
3. Happy to be told how to dress and how style(?) our gentials by some sleazy random bloke of the internet.

If this bloke had an interest in anything more than shagging/ raping her he would NOT want to overstep the boundaries of her religion he would be saying "lets meet your parents, lets talk about me converting and marrying you".

OP if you cannot convince your sis, I would eiether:

1. Call him pretending to be selling something to get details like name and address.
2. Follow your sister when she goes to meet him

I have heard horror story on another forum about a woman who arranged to meet a man for sex, and was almost bundled into a taxi by 2 men before being saved by a bystander.

OP - Did everything work out well?

bump

Fucking hell. Call the police over a few dirty texts. Can we dial the hysteria down here !
Im with solid and xales here, intrusive snooping into an adults life is not on.