"you get the marriage you deserve"

[cod]

discuss

well I must be very deserving then

i must have done something really wrong in a previous life then.

Absolutely not true

not like if oyu arre whacked ,but if you haev an idle dh have you let him get that way
can you change them

True. Have been thinking about this, reading about the 'little' kind things that peoples husbands do for them, thinking DP never does that, but then, when I turn it round, I never do either. I know DP's not silly enough to marry me, but I still think that lots of effort needs to be made.

There is a line in Thelma & Louise, my fave film, that always seemed very true to me: "You get what you settle for."

if you replace the word (the loaded and emotive word cod) 'deserve' with 'expect', 'put up with', 'create' than i agree.

we do co-create our relationships. lots of my friends feel that the amount to dh does is fantastic, but equally i do lots for him (for eg send him off for a weeks hols on his own once a year) that they might not do....

when things are cr*ppy between us we really talk about it and sometimes that is incredibly painful, much more so than if we ignored it....but it means that we resolve the issues rather than them festering away.

however, we choose partners based on lots of conscious stuff but also lots of unconscious stuff and women that weren't lucky enough to have good male role models in their lives are v unlikely to choose a good partner unless they have worked through some of that stuff....blaming them by implying that if they have sh8tty marriages they deserve it isn't constructive as it takes an awful lot to move away from patterns of relating that are set in very early childhood.

imo

i am a firm beliver in what our vicar called the "cherishing" bit of marriage
not being endlessly tit for tat - countign lie ins and so on - just doing nice htings becasue you loev them.

i think leading by expample is good inthat kinda way

yeah I think theres some truth in that - like I happily bitch about DH doing zero housework but never actually force the issue because its easier and quicker if I just get it done instead. And then I get to experiment with seeing how many milk bottles stack up by the sink before he notices and puts them out and stuff like that. I think we all adapt to circs and accept things that maybe aren't ideal.

sophabel are you tellgin off the fish?
:)

I'm very deserving too CD

just pointing out that deserve might not be the most constructive word in that range that are basically saying the same thing...

:)

I know where you are coming from, but i think this says more about men, than women getting what they deserve.

My initial thoughts were, yes you get what you deserve. But then i thought no hang on a minute, why is it that men need to be 'trained' whereas women manage to run a house without a 'trainer'?

I realise this is very stereotypical and obviously not the case for all men and women, but in replying to your question i have a feeling we are looking at the stereotypical roles.

i know a few women who manage to have very equal roles with their husbands, and i know lots and lots and lots of women who have 'idle' husbands. I think the women who are equal have done an 'element' of training to reach that status. But why should it be that way? Why can we not expect equal status as a matter of course?

Btw i put my own relationship somewhere in the middle, and i put the equality down to my 'training'

(DH ironing his shirts while I MN )

yes methinks
my first one was a catastrophy but my fault and should not married him in the first place
'choices' and 'victims' are a couple of words that come to mind
idle husbands are idle because they are allowed to be - eg. no chance in my house, but dh's brother gets away with murder

I think you get the marriage you have been brought up to deserve. We all have expectations of other people's behaviours which are drilled into us from childhood. So if one of your parents was a controlling, manipulative bully then you may well seek out controlling, manipulative bullies because that is your comfort zone - even though that seems like a contradiction in terms!!! There are other factors involved too, but I think we often follow patterns of behaviour prescribed from childhood.

Sophabel is right. There is a world of difference between putting up with less than ideal behaviour such as no help with housework and "deserving" a complete bastard who is systematically unfaithful

But kitegirl, don't you slightly cringe by saying they are allowed to get away with it? Why should it be a wife's responsibility to ensure her husband is not idle??

D'you know what i think i might become idle, and when asked why, i'll let people know, because dp lets me get away with it .

D'you think reaction would be the same?

Cod's point about cherishing is a good one - theres so many threads on here about he never does x or how many times does your dp do whatever... sometimes its easy to keep score rather than remember why you got together in the first place.

Cod I've booked a babysitter and a table for Sat night for dh and me. First time since October. If I end up drunkenly randy and pg after that I'll have to call it Cod.

I agree with everything sophable says

(on this thread that is, not in RL!)

creep

think how we are bringing up our boys and girls is v important in respect of this. do we get boys to do putting out washing? cooking? cleaning?

most toddlers love doing this. and i'm hoping that ds is actually cooking for us a couple of nights a week by the time he is ten or eleven (not in a slave way, but in a creative and fun way) and still helping with all of the chores that we both do round the house until he leaves home.

I like to practise the 'random acts of kindness' thang. It has two advantages a) DH reciprocates from time to time b) it stops me feeling guilty if I have to ask DH to do stuff I don't want to do.

Plus I second Sophable's policy of talking about things as soon as an atmosphere develops. Not that we always manage it, but when we do, it always has such a positive effect, painful as it is at the time.

NO sophable you have that wrong

ds should cook every night and do all the chores while you and dh chill with wine on sofa