"you get the marriage you deserve"

[cod]

discuss

I think your expectations impact who you marry and your history impacts the way you handle situations. I'm sure more marriages could be salvaged with great emotional intelligence.

BUT people do change and there are things that can happen that you can not forsee and that make the whole thing implode.

I am constantly shocked by the number of mnetters who seem to be happy as larry then overnight uncover the most schocking pieces of news about their partners. Don't think you can judge whether these situations could have been avoided or can be repaired unless you're a mind-reader.

Load of b*llocks.

What Bugsy said.

Also I think saying you get the kind of marriage you deserve is a bit like saying you get the kind of government you deserve. Like you have total control of all factors, when quite patently, you don't.

My Mum has not had a good life, my Dad left her twice whilst she was pregnant with both my sisters but thats another story....it has made me more determined not to repeat the pattern and I think I have been successful as DP is everything my father aint!!!

I grew up believing that men cannot be trusted and never thought I would find someone I could trust but I do trust DP as I have been with him 7 years and he has never once let me down.

I do believe my Mum was stupid for letting my Dad walk all over like he did and believe that I deserve better and thankfully I have got better for myself so do agree with the paths we take to some extent.

I agree to a certain extent that you get the marriage you 'expect' rather than deserve. It never fails to amaze that men still seem to get away with contributing so little running a house and family. I have always expected that DH to take equal share with house and children and he does it willingly. I dont know, may be it is because I came from a single parent family, I never saw women waiting on men, and DH mother died young so he didnt really see it either.(though they did have paid help which i think explains why he cant iorn anything .

Speaking as someone who had a horrifcally cruel first marraige I have to admit ( and it isn;t easy to do that) that I did get the marriage I and everyone else expected and while I did not perhaps deserve what I went through I could have left and I could have done things to prevent it.

I started dating him while he was seeing someone else and knew that he had made her life a misery because he weas chasing me, i therefore should not have been surprised when he did the same to me.

I stopped with him and eventually married him despite having very little in common with him and even disliking much about him - because I placed designer handbags and flash holidays over a loving relationship.

I allowed him to treat me with a complete lack of respect because I had a lover and lots of friends that made up for his behaviour. I selfishly and rather stupidly thought I had a perefect life a man to pay my bills, a man I loved and a great social life. Falling pregnant though meant I had to give up the other man and I had less time for my friends so the emptiness and cruelty that went on within my marriage became glaringly obvious and impossible to love with. But i had allowed that situation to develop and had chosen to marry him so I cannot absolve myself of all blame and responsibility.

I managed to mantain the relationship by telling myself that he would change - only an idiot marries someone hoping he would change - and I was that idiot.

thats so interesting t and p

I now have a very good relationship but that is because I have made it quite clear that wil never allow anyone to treat me or my daughter in such a way and if it were to happen I would be straight out the door.

hmm
i bet you did

:)

I don't think it is that interesting, more like flippin obvious. Everyone kept warning me to leave and that I would end up hurt but I thought I was indestructible and could handle it.I used to be quite a unpleseasant person, so perhaps on that level I deserved it - a bizarre twisted form of karma maybe. I am amazed my friends whom are all lovely put up with me! I often wonder what my life would be like if I hadn't had dd, would I still be there?

well i do!!!! i htink its great you ccan stand back and analyse it and still find dault wiht yourself

very impresive

That has taken years of therapy!

haha! well d oen you

and a mother who loves to say "I told you so!"

oh weall have oneof those

It helps to acknowledge your role in a situation however painful that acknowledgement may be. If I had no part to play in what I went through it may happen again as I have made myself powerless. I could meet another git who could suck me in and it would all happpen again.

But by acknowledging my own fault in the situation I have given myself power to stop it happening again.

Agree completely T&P. You have to have a degree of self awareness to change your own behaviour. A big dollop of self respect goes a long way too. Most women who are treated badly seem to have lost that somewhere along the way - I know I did.

I look back now and think where was my self respect and am quite horrified by my behaviour but at the time I thought I wasa woman in control - but hindsight is a wonderful gift unavailable at the time we are making a complete prick of ourselves.

I can also rememember being quite shocked at my ex telling me how little respect I had ever shown him and that he was not the only one who had behaved badly. He was right though - but I do think we make our mistakes for a reason and that a mistake is only a negative if you don't learn from it.

I read something Nigella Lawson wrote once, about marriage. That if you think yourself into a state of grace, you'll find yourself there. I take this to mean concentrating on the good things and the other person's good qualities. Doing considerate things for the other. Rather than, as Cod says, the endless tit for tat.

I think it's also important to realise that one other person cannot solve all your problems: so that if you hate your job, have a bad relationship with your parents, have terrible self-worth and live in a nasty house - your partner can support you, but they can't make it all better single-handedly.

RZ you talk a lot of sense. It is very important to focus on the positives and to remain civilised.

Thank you.

When I say 'tit for tat', I mean it in a good way, like sorting things out as we go along or admitting that we both have our faults. Perhaps not the correct term really.

To add, the happiest, longest marriages I know, seem to be dominated by one half though.

I think you have to retain sight of your respect for the other person too, rather than allowing familiarity to lull you into a carelessness of speech. I have a friend who got married shortly after I did and they have terrible rows in which they threaten to leave each other, that they regret getting married in the first place, etc. I can't imagine having that sort of conversation with my husband - because once it's out there, you can't draw it back and it could poison your relationship for the future. I've seen too many evil things fall from my mother's mouth in a spirit of vindictiveness, which she then forgets about, but which my father and myself have to live with.

I can remember the point at which this boundary was crossed in a previous relationship and thinking that we lost something special in that moment.